Fic: You're the one I'm dreaming of - Chapter 10
Title: You're the one I'm dreaming of
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: N14+ for later Chapters
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, only the idea and words of this fanfiction. They belong to my thoughts and my heart.
You're the one I'm dreaming of - Part 2
Chapter 12 - I'm a good man in the storm
(Arizona's pov)
Is love alive? I always asked myself those sorts of questions, my mind drifting from one place to another, I was searching for an answer in every face I saw and in every lips that graced mine.
But when I met her my question was answered immediately and I never start to disbelief again.
Weeks passed in which we got nearer to each other, no one was able to part us, each and every single day I drove to her or she came over and we talked, laughed, went to the beach and made out. We never got bored of each others company and I never seemed to get bored of her touch, of her full lips.
And so after one week just hanging around and meeting her friends I started to think about taking a step forward in our new rising relationship. Not a big step, just a small one, cause each evening I hated to say goodbye to her. Whenever we lay down in her or my bed and we kissed each other, touched each other more intimately or just snuggled together I hated to let her go. I hated to kiss her goodbye and say "See you tomorrow".
So instead I said: "Please stay tonight", half sleeping, half awake. She looked me in the eyes, frowning, if it was really okay for my parents to let her sleep there, but I just said, they don't know yet and tough I couldn't care less what they say about her sleeping here with me. I just needed her that night, holding me in my sleep, staying there with me, her breath caressing my half naked shoulder.
And so she kissed me the first time good-night, instead of goodbye.
This night has been one and a half week ago and since then I wasn't sleeping without her, because with her, with her arms around my torso and her body pressed against my back and her head laying on my shoulder I never slept that good, and I never want to miss her scent or how she looks like in the morning.
Each single morning I try to wake up earlier than her to be able to watch the morning light cascading over her beautiful olive skin. I lay on my side, my head backed up with my hand and so I sit there, watching her chest rise and fall, her eyes closed and her lips opened a little bit to breath slightly.
And when I sit there for almost half an hour just watching her I realize how happy and joyful I feel right now. Never, not in months or in years, it felt like I do right now… and in my world I feel super awesome with her by my side. How magical it so to realize you are in love with someone. But not just the "few months" being in love, the "let's see what's going to happen" love or the thing I had with Steve.
No… when I lay here it's her I want to see now, and tomorrow and forever. I want her to fill my world with love and joy. I want her to be a part of my life, laughing when I'm pouting, hugging me tightly when I'm complaining about her laughing when I'm putting, or her touching me every opportunity she gets and being impatiently when she can't. Or how she's looking right into my direction like she has never seen something more beautiful… but more important how she seems to need to be in contact with me whenever we are sleeping, and even now, I feel her arms sneaking out for me, searching some sort of body contact and so I crawl nearer, touching her arm with my fingers only and immediately I see her full lips curling into a soft and satisfied smile until she opens her eyes, staring into mine, frowning and smiling intentionally.
"You're already awake?" She asks, yawning, and I can see that she's still half asleep.
I simply nod, not able to say a word. I just watch her and smile while she's crawling nearer, shifting until she's able to touch me a little bit more. It's just our hands, but this small gesture is meaning more than the entire world I'd like to say to her.
"You were watching me?" And I nod again; proud of myself, how I was able to wake up that early even we had a hot kissing session last night until we finally got able to drift of to sleep. And she seems to be surprised too, and though she was always complaining about me watching her, she's still smiling tiredly now, before she finally asks. "Everything's alright, Ari?", because I haven't said a word until now.
I nod, again, intentionally.
"It's perfect…" I reply before I move forward to meet her In a quick but soft good morning kiss, and after I pulled away she starts to ramble about everything and nothing at all like almost each single morning, explaining me what she has planned for us to do today and even I'd love to listen I can't be completely attentive right now, but it's her fault, because she's so beautiful I can't concentrate.
And then I finally open my mouth, because realization hit me so often the past few days I finally realized what I have… what I want to do.
"I'm going to tell my parents." I cut her off, ignoring the fact that she's still talking and her eyes are growing wide.
"What?"
"I'm going to tell them about us…" I say, nodding reassuringly like it's the most natural thing in the world, but for us it's not. We decided to not tell anybody of our relationship except of Anna, because we wanted time to prepare each other before we tell the whole world about us. And what I am saying right now means more than the first "I love you", we haven't even said. It means commitment. It means seriousness, trusting her and trusting myself, believing in our relationship and in our love.
"Really?" She asks in a whisper like she can't believe what I said right now and I just reply :
" Really…" before I kiss her again, this time longer and this time switching position until I'm on top of her, my legs on either side of her hips and my hands beside her head while I'm slowly and passionately kissing her, her fingers tangled in my hair and just when I'm pressing myself into her we both hear the knock on the door and as we pull apart immediately and shocked, I fall to the ground. Not that changed my mind about telling my parents, but it wouldn't be the best way if they find out their daughter is gay by opening the door and seeing her make out with her new school friend and so I just throw a croaky "Yeah?" to my father, who uses to wake us with a door knock each single morning.
"Morning, girls! Breakfast is waiting for you!"
"Thanks, Dad! We are coming…" I reply, slightly annoyed while she can't stop laughing.
"Stop laughing, Calliope or no kissing for you!" I hiss and immediately she stops, her head almost bursting and so I start laughing about how easily it is to shut her up, and she's joining me without hesitating.
As if I'd be able to not kiss those lips…
…...
The morning was just perfect, filled with kissing and snuggling in my bed until we both knew it was time for her to leave and time for me to do what I decided earlier. She said she could stay and help me get through this, but I also knew it needed to be done by no one else but me. And so I thanked her for being there for me, before she squeezed my hand supportive and kissed me a last time before I closed the door behind her.
But before I could go in the living room where Daniel, Dakota, mom and dad already waited I paced up and down, my whole body in fire.
I already knew a coming out wouldn't be like a simple walk on a beautiful summer day, and I really wanted to do this for Calliope and me, but I never thought it'd be that hard.
After 5 more minutes of pacing and unusable soliloquizing I went in there, paralyzed, but still ready for the final confession to make and immediately I felt like a stupid monkey in zoo, the way they looked into my direction.
"You wanted to tell us something?"
My Dad started in his official and normal Colonel Robbins voice and I was startled… super startled. And when I looked around into all these waiting faces it wasn't getting better. Only Daniel smiled my way, already knowing what I was going to say, proud that I wanted to come out of my protective shell and finally making Calliope to a real part of my life instead of hiding her.
"Yes I… I wanted to tell you something very important…" I started like weeks ago when I announced that I broke up with Steve. But back then everyone was doing the happy dance, even my dad, finally happy that I dumped him. But what would they do now? I didn't really expect another happy dance; instead the "how far can you get the hell out of my house" - speech.
But even I was scared it was, though, everything I wanted. I wanted Calliope to be known as my girlfriend, as the person I love, and not just as someone I simply hang out with. I wanted us to be accepted and I wanted my parents to accept me for who I am, because in my opinion it's the way it should be.
"Well… I… Calliope and I are together…" I finally blurt out, earning wide glances, until my mother starts to laugh.
"Oh sweetie pie, we already know you go with Calliope together to school." She laughs and I almost turn read. Well okay… that was not the right thing to say… maybe I need to be a little bit clearer?
"No… I mean… Calliope and I… we are a couple… we love each other…"
Never I felt that small, but why should I? Why should I feel small or scared what they say? Why should I embarrassed and afraid of love? Love is nothing I should be scared about, nothing I should have to hide. Love should give strength; it should be accepted without asking any questions. Love is Calliope. Everything I think about love I see her in front of my eyes, I feel her; I also taste her and smell her. She's unique like love and love, Calliope, is something I am proud of; and so I stand up straight, bearing the silence, waiting what's going to happen next.
And when my dad finally looks up, directly into my eyes, navy blue eyes meeting mine and like all the others in the room who weren't saying anything I was anxious to hear what he was going to say.
"Are you still who I raised you to be?" Was the only question he was asking and I couldn't answer. I wanted to say all the things he already knew, but I was not able to say anything else, instead I started crying, my eyes filled with different emotions, all my anxious fading away when he finally smiled and stood up to take me into his arms and kissed the top of my head like he also did when I was a little girl, now, still being one.
"You're still my daughter if you worry about that and I still love you the same. If she makes you happy, and I have the feeling she does, she's welcome. She seems to be a nice girl." And with that I can't hide my sobs and I can't stop until I feel all of their arms around me.
The Robbins Clan is alive and we stand up, strong, for each other, and something like this is not changing everything. Not a single thing.
…...
I waited another few hours, until I finally heard the bell ring and immediately I ran downstairs, almost falling while I was running, charged with immeasurable energy and love for the girl, now, in front of me and all I could do was kissing her. I didn't even waited for her to say anything, because with one single I kiss I had so much to tell and when I finally pulled away, because air got a problem for both of us.
"I guess it went very well…" she says smiling while I can't stop grinning like a fool and I just nod.
"It went perfect… I never thought it'd be that good. I mean, yes I always thought and hoped they'd accept me for who I am and for who I love, but I was scared though, but now it feels just…" Once I started rambling it's hard for me to stop again, but when I look her into the eyes I realize something isn't right and so I stop, asking her instead what's wrong with her, because she wasn't really listening and that's not how she normally is.
"Calliope… What's wrong?"
She tries to avoid my gaze and take a step backwards, though, she's still holding my hand to give me the feeling that's nothing between us and immediately I calm down a little bit.
"My parents are going to be at home tomorrow again…"
"What? We have 3 more weeks of our vacation left I thought they would stay in Spain until the end?"
"That's what I thought, too. But they phoned me when I was at home and they told me they are going to be back tomorrow…" She says in a sad voice, but I don't realize what's wrong. Of course we can't be that freely at her place how we used to be the past 3 weeks, but we still have my room and we still have each other…
And there it comes… the reason she didn't want them to come back… After I came out to my parents today she might think she has to do the same thing to strength our relationship, though we both know she isn't ready yet.
So I take both of her hands in mine and rub the palm of her hand with my thumb, caressing her skin to calm her down a little bit and take her guilty glance away.
"You don't have to tell them, you know?" I say and she looks like I've read her mind.
"I will still stay with you and I'll still love you the same way even if you decide to not tell them about us, yet. I completely understand and I'm able to wait, okay? Don't worry about that, Calliope."
"Really?" She looks into my eyes with a hopeful glance of her brown orbs.
"Really…" I nod, kissing her softly another time.
"So it won't be a problem I'm no going to sleep over here tonight?" She asks and then I'm startled. Well we haven't talked about that…
"Well… I hate to say it, but I want to be there when they arrive and because I don't know when exactly I'm going to head home and wait for them to arrive. But tomorrow I'm just going to be here again, kay?"
A night without Calliope sounds awful, at most cause today was the day I told my parents and I imagined to celebrate with her a little bit, but it sounds logical and so I nod and let her go with one sweet kiss. "Okay, no problem. So I guess it's a "good bye" kiss tonight, isn't it?" I say unlucky about the latest revelation, until she smirks and kisses me once again.
"Not yet... I want my snuggle - portion now if I can't have it tonight… Accepted?"
I start to laugh… "Full accepted"
"Thanks Ma'am…" She says like she used to call my mother, the same way she still calls my Dad Colonel Robbins or Sir and I kind of think it's sweet, though, everything is going to change pretty soon as her, being a real part of our family now.
I take her hand while she's closing the door behind us and I drag her into my room where I fall on the bed and just wait for her to come down to me and take me into her arms.
I look her into the eyes one last time, smile and kiss her twice, before I drift of to sleep, and the next thing I remember is waking up to an empty bed, a short note on her side of the bed and the sun caressing my skin in the morning, instead of her soft breath and her capturing scent.
…...
The first time you realize you are really addicted to someone is the moment when you lay in bed the whole night, not really able to find peace and close my eyes. I shifted around, tried to close the gap between her and me until I realized every time freshly that she's not where she used to be the last weeks. The place where I desperately need her to be.
And when I stood up the next day it felt strange sitting on the kitchen counter eating our usual morning cereal and when I sat there I just thought about her laughter and smiled intentionally knowing it'd be like that tomorrow and the day after tomorrow… It'd be like that for a long time and I couldn't wait future to come.
The whole day I couldn't banish my smile and I also couldn't wait her to come and tell her everything I thought of, but hour by hour passed by and I waited for her. I waited until the door finally rang and I again I ran down to greet her with open arms, kissing her, letting her know how much I missed her, but when I opened the door I saw her standing her, looking like never before.
Tears were streaming down her face and right after I opened the door I immediately found her in my arms sobbing. And I held her, tightly, asking her what's wrong, and I dragged her into my room where we sat down on the edge of my bed, my hands on her cheeks and her tears on my hands. And then she kissed me, fervently, shortly, determined, but her tears and her sobs made it unable for both of us to continue. Her heart was broken and I couldn't even tell what it was, until she finally said: "I cut the off." and escaped in my embrace, clinging onto me for life.
I looked up, my hands still on her cheeks as I tried to make her look me into the eyes.
"What happened?" I whisper and she looks back, biting her lips and… crying her heart out…
…...
(Calliope's pov)
When you found yourself walking alone through the desert, thirsty and tired, for years, you suddenly stop believing. It's a calculated decision you make some night after another sleepless night. It's something realistic after you saw what the unfulfilled hope did to you.
You decided to walk further on, still desperate to find a place to rest and drink holy water, but though you are not hoping anymore… Because it always disappoints you… it always does.
But I'd say clearly: That's not right, folk.
Someday, a long time after you gave up, hope is knocking on your door calling out:
"Sorry, I know I'm a little bit late, but there was a BIG jam on the road of life, but here I am, finally, and looked who I brought with me; look who I've found on my way to you! Love really looked forward to meet you and when I told you I was on my way to you she didn't even hesitate to join me! And look who's next to join the party: Satisfaction! And over there's old joy, hey Joy come over here he can' wait to see you! And there's also happiness, Joy's little sister who started a campaign against loneliness! We were all coming just for you!"
And you will realize hope and love, satisfaction, joy and happiness; they were always there, they just needed time to find you like you needed time to be found and wait
But they will come. I promise
I know that, because I waited long enough, but it was all worth it.
When I open my eyes now I don't see waves of brown sand in front of them, I don't think about the desert anymore. I don't think about how thirsty and how desperate I have been.
I just think about the joy that is running through my veins, playing funny games with satisfaction, happiness and cheesiness in my stomach.
When I was younger I laughed about the thought of being addicted to someone, it's cornier than I ever wanted to be. But now I welcome it with open arms and when I wake up I want to call her and tell her everything I realized, but though I'm keep lying there in a room I have barely seen without her the past days.
I wait for my parents to arrive, but I don't know what to do, what to say and what to tell. I want to tell them everything, because I don't want to hide the best thing that ever happened to me and after Arizona told her parents about me, even I know how scared she was, I feel like a hopeless creep, sitting in my room and thinking what to do and how to hide our relationship. I feel awful, because I can't stand up for her and when I hear the voices of my parents hours ago after I finally managed to stand up and clean the house before they were coming back, I still feel the same. Or maybe… just worse… I embraced them and laughed with them, I listened to their voices, but while they were taking all the time all I could think about how much I needed to tell them… How much I needed to clarify my love for her.
It's about commitment and even we are together for one month, at least in 2 days, it's something I want to do for her and for us… Love is something beautiful; she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but though I can't tell… I can't tell…
"How was your vacation?" And then the answer I could reply with honesty. And they stand there; looking at me with shining and big eyes like they are waiting for something big, like a big revelation is coming up and it is…
"I met someone…" and they smile broadly.
"Actually I'm in a relationship…" I say, my heart not stopping to pound furiously.
And then their mouths hang open and a simple "Wow!" filled the room once… and twice and a thousand times in my head. And then there was silence.
"So… when are we going to meet the young man?" My dad finally said, smiling. But it wasn't the truth; his smile was a fake, because he doesn't knew that he was actually a she.
"I… Dad… Mom… I… you met Arizona before?" My voice is shaking, but they simply nod.
"Yeah, of course… but why? Is she coming over later?"
"Yes.. I mean no… I… I don't know… what I meant is… she is who I'm dating now… she is the one I'm with…"
Then their mouths drop again, but this time they are more than surprised. They are shocked, petrified, their eyes… terrified, just like my heart.
She didn't need me to tell them, she would accept everything, every part of me. But though I did it, because I… I love her.
"I never planned it, Mom… I never asked for it, but then she suddenly entered my life and I… we love each other… we really do and she makes me happy."
They don't look at me. No one. Mom is crying silent tears and my Dad is silent, not crying, but I can see how he is trembling, inwardly.
"You are not going to see her again." He says, pressured and I can't believe what he is saying. I wasn't expecting them to laugh and smile and tell me how happy they are for me, but I never expected them, my father, to do that… to misjudge love, to adjudge my love.
"Dad! You can't do that, it's my life and you can't tell me what to do! I'm going to see her! Of course I am! We are together and I love her and I don't care if you don't want it! Maybe you think it's a sin, but it's not, Dad! Why should it be? There's nothing more pure than love! And we… Dad… she loves me and she treats me well… we are happy…"
But he doesn't care if I'm happy… he just thinks about what's right and what's wrong in his eyes… and this isn't right…
"Leviticus - Thou shall not lie with a man as one lies with a female, it's an abomination…"
He starts intentionally looking into my eyes like he has to get the devil out of my body. But how could he ever act like she's devil?
I look at my mother, but she's silent… no words are leaving her trembling lips, that's when I know that I have to fight this fight on my own.
"Don't do that, Daddy! Don't quote the bible at me." I try to stop him, but he seems to be in rage.
"The outcry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and the sin is exceedingly grave."
And now I can't even stop myself from rambling.
"Jesus - a new commandment that I give unto you, that you love another."
It's starts to be a fight between to kind of people who believe in a different love. My love is unlimited. My love doesn't know any gender, any age, any fence. My love doesn't bend and so doesn't his point of view and he throw lines of the bible at me like I'm not his daughter he is talking to. Like I'm a stranger he tries to convince, not the daughter he should love and respect.
"Romans - But we know that laws…"
"Jesus! He is who is without sin among you; let him cast the first stone!"
"So you admit it's a sin…"
And it sinks in painfully, but though I stay there, no tears are leaving my eyes, but the sound of my voice is telling something undeniable. Tears are finding their way, from my heart to my olive skin.
"Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy! Jesus - Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see god! Jesus - Blessed are those who have been persecuted for righteousness sake. For theirs is the kingdom of heaven!"
I breathe in deeply, silent tears are tracing down a burning line on my cheek before I burst out loud:
"Jesus is my saviour, Daddy, NOT YOU!"
The last part I breathe out, before I spin around and ran out of the house, running through the streets, past all the wicked houses, past all the people and the trees and cars and buildings, until I'm reaching her house, needing her scent to crawl into my nose, needing to feel her arms wrapped around me, her lips finding mine, letting me know she's my mercy.
…...
(Arizona's pov)
I don't know how long she cried and spent there in my arms, hugging me tightly, clinging onto me like she would die without me touching her. I don't know how long she captured me whole body, tangled in hers and I don't know when she drifted of to sleep, but I know that I laid awake the half night, stroking her hair in the softest way, kissing her hot and wet cheeks or her silent lips to know that she's okay. To le her know that I'm going to be there, forever.
The next day I lost all my sense of time when we laid in front of each other, not moving, not talking, only our hands were touching simply and we were breathing the same air. And that was all we needed today. All we needed was the love we felt without talking, without truly touching, just by looking and realizing sometimes you don't need to move your mouth to communicate.
And I hate to stand up and leave her alone but after my parents and my brothers left for a party and there's nothing at home to eat I decided to get to my favourite pizza restaurant and get us delicious pizza. I left her here to clear her head for a little bit and it was already afternoon when I left. Maybe she needed a little bit time for herself after last night and so I left, just a little bit.
But when I was standing there, waiting for my pizza I felt like cancelling the pizza and instead running back to my room and instead snuggling with her. Rather snuggling than waiting… I could forget that I'm starving... no problem with that… but I can't forget that I'm starving for her…
No, Arizona, stop the dirty thoughts that kept rushing through your mind since you first met her… maybe it's not time… even I want to touch her in a way only I can… even I want to show her how much I want her and how much she captured my mind… I don't think she even knows how beautiful she is…
And then when a smile is crossing my face it's soon fading when I see the man who is also waiting, standing at the store window looking outside and looking lost. I don't know what to do, maybe I want to hit him with a brick, cause even he is the father of the girl I love, or maybe because he is her father I want to clear his head. Maybe he doesn't even know how broken she truly is because of him.
But when I walk up to him I just think of her and how much she means to me, how much I want her to be happy and she deserves to be loved by her parents…
I walk up to him without saying anything and I don't even know what to say when he looks up at me, frowning, looking at me with disrespect.
"I don't know you well enough to talk about my daughter…" He says angrily, dryly.
And then, out of the blue I realize what I need to say… and maybe it's not changing everything, but I need to do something. I need to stand up for her…
"Most people think that I was named for the state, but it's not true. I was named for a battleship. The USS Arizona." I explain simply and he doesn't know what I want to say with that… I don't know either. I just know that I love her and I will stand up for her, whatever it takes.
"My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and he saved… nineteen men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised to love my country, love my family and protect the things I love. When my father, Colonel Daniel Robbins of the United States Marine Corps heard that I was a lesbian, he said he only had one question. I was prepared for; 'how fast can you get the hell out of my house?' But instead… it was, 'are you still who I raised you to be?' My father believes in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me, because I'm his daughter. I'm a good man in a storm. I love your daughter. And I protect the things I love, not that I need to, she doesn't need it. She's strong and caring and honorable. And she's who you, raised her to be."
I smile last time while the knot in my throat grew bigger with each sentence. But though I feel better than ever before.
I just wish he would see how wonderful she is… And I hope he is going to see that very soon.
…...
After 2 long hours waiting there I finally come home and when I open the door I call out for her, knowing I did the right thing, because whatever is happening… we are in this together.
"Calliope?" I call out, smiling broadly, running up the stairs into my room, and when I finally open the door I see something I never thought off tonight and she stands there already waiting for me. And she's smiling too.
"You're finally back…" She says simply.
Author's Note: Ohh thanks to all who commented again. I'm so glad you like it and you all review :)
All my best wishes to you!!
Sun
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: N14+ for later Chapters
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, only the idea and words of this fanfiction. They belong to my thoughts and my heart.
You're the one I'm dreaming of - Part 2
Chapter 12 - I'm a good man in the storm
(Arizona's pov)
Is love alive? I always asked myself those sorts of questions, my mind drifting from one place to another, I was searching for an answer in every face I saw and in every lips that graced mine.
But when I met her my question was answered immediately and I never start to disbelief again.
Weeks passed in which we got nearer to each other, no one was able to part us, each and every single day I drove to her or she came over and we talked, laughed, went to the beach and made out. We never got bored of each others company and I never seemed to get bored of her touch, of her full lips.
And so after one week just hanging around and meeting her friends I started to think about taking a step forward in our new rising relationship. Not a big step, just a small one, cause each evening I hated to say goodbye to her. Whenever we lay down in her or my bed and we kissed each other, touched each other more intimately or just snuggled together I hated to let her go. I hated to kiss her goodbye and say "See you tomorrow".
So instead I said: "Please stay tonight", half sleeping, half awake. She looked me in the eyes, frowning, if it was really okay for my parents to let her sleep there, but I just said, they don't know yet and tough I couldn't care less what they say about her sleeping here with me. I just needed her that night, holding me in my sleep, staying there with me, her breath caressing my half naked shoulder.
And so she kissed me the first time good-night, instead of goodbye.
This night has been one and a half week ago and since then I wasn't sleeping without her, because with her, with her arms around my torso and her body pressed against my back and her head laying on my shoulder I never slept that good, and I never want to miss her scent or how she looks like in the morning.
Each single morning I try to wake up earlier than her to be able to watch the morning light cascading over her beautiful olive skin. I lay on my side, my head backed up with my hand and so I sit there, watching her chest rise and fall, her eyes closed and her lips opened a little bit to breath slightly.
And when I sit there for almost half an hour just watching her I realize how happy and joyful I feel right now. Never, not in months or in years, it felt like I do right now… and in my world I feel super awesome with her by my side. How magical it so to realize you are in love with someone. But not just the "few months" being in love, the "let's see what's going to happen" love or the thing I had with Steve.
No… when I lay here it's her I want to see now, and tomorrow and forever. I want her to fill my world with love and joy. I want her to be a part of my life, laughing when I'm pouting, hugging me tightly when I'm complaining about her laughing when I'm putting, or her touching me every opportunity she gets and being impatiently when she can't. Or how she's looking right into my direction like she has never seen something more beautiful… but more important how she seems to need to be in contact with me whenever we are sleeping, and even now, I feel her arms sneaking out for me, searching some sort of body contact and so I crawl nearer, touching her arm with my fingers only and immediately I see her full lips curling into a soft and satisfied smile until she opens her eyes, staring into mine, frowning and smiling intentionally.
"You're already awake?" She asks, yawning, and I can see that she's still half asleep.
I simply nod, not able to say a word. I just watch her and smile while she's crawling nearer, shifting until she's able to touch me a little bit more. It's just our hands, but this small gesture is meaning more than the entire world I'd like to say to her.
"You were watching me?" And I nod again; proud of myself, how I was able to wake up that early even we had a hot kissing session last night until we finally got able to drift of to sleep. And she seems to be surprised too, and though she was always complaining about me watching her, she's still smiling tiredly now, before she finally asks. "Everything's alright, Ari?", because I haven't said a word until now.
I nod, again, intentionally.
"It's perfect…" I reply before I move forward to meet her In a quick but soft good morning kiss, and after I pulled away she starts to ramble about everything and nothing at all like almost each single morning, explaining me what she has planned for us to do today and even I'd love to listen I can't be completely attentive right now, but it's her fault, because she's so beautiful I can't concentrate.
And then I finally open my mouth, because realization hit me so often the past few days I finally realized what I have… what I want to do.
"I'm going to tell my parents." I cut her off, ignoring the fact that she's still talking and her eyes are growing wide.
"What?"
"I'm going to tell them about us…" I say, nodding reassuringly like it's the most natural thing in the world, but for us it's not. We decided to not tell anybody of our relationship except of Anna, because we wanted time to prepare each other before we tell the whole world about us. And what I am saying right now means more than the first "I love you", we haven't even said. It means commitment. It means seriousness, trusting her and trusting myself, believing in our relationship and in our love.
"Really?" She asks in a whisper like she can't believe what I said right now and I just reply :
" Really…" before I kiss her again, this time longer and this time switching position until I'm on top of her, my legs on either side of her hips and my hands beside her head while I'm slowly and passionately kissing her, her fingers tangled in my hair and just when I'm pressing myself into her we both hear the knock on the door and as we pull apart immediately and shocked, I fall to the ground. Not that changed my mind about telling my parents, but it wouldn't be the best way if they find out their daughter is gay by opening the door and seeing her make out with her new school friend and so I just throw a croaky "Yeah?" to my father, who uses to wake us with a door knock each single morning.
"Morning, girls! Breakfast is waiting for you!"
"Thanks, Dad! We are coming…" I reply, slightly annoyed while she can't stop laughing.
"Stop laughing, Calliope or no kissing for you!" I hiss and immediately she stops, her head almost bursting and so I start laughing about how easily it is to shut her up, and she's joining me without hesitating.
As if I'd be able to not kiss those lips…
…...
The morning was just perfect, filled with kissing and snuggling in my bed until we both knew it was time for her to leave and time for me to do what I decided earlier. She said she could stay and help me get through this, but I also knew it needed to be done by no one else but me. And so I thanked her for being there for me, before she squeezed my hand supportive and kissed me a last time before I closed the door behind her.
But before I could go in the living room where Daniel, Dakota, mom and dad already waited I paced up and down, my whole body in fire.
I already knew a coming out wouldn't be like a simple walk on a beautiful summer day, and I really wanted to do this for Calliope and me, but I never thought it'd be that hard.
After 5 more minutes of pacing and unusable soliloquizing I went in there, paralyzed, but still ready for the final confession to make and immediately I felt like a stupid monkey in zoo, the way they looked into my direction.
"You wanted to tell us something?"
My Dad started in his official and normal Colonel Robbins voice and I was startled… super startled. And when I looked around into all these waiting faces it wasn't getting better. Only Daniel smiled my way, already knowing what I was going to say, proud that I wanted to come out of my protective shell and finally making Calliope to a real part of my life instead of hiding her.
"Yes I… I wanted to tell you something very important…" I started like weeks ago when I announced that I broke up with Steve. But back then everyone was doing the happy dance, even my dad, finally happy that I dumped him. But what would they do now? I didn't really expect another happy dance; instead the "how far can you get the hell out of my house" - speech.
But even I was scared it was, though, everything I wanted. I wanted Calliope to be known as my girlfriend, as the person I love, and not just as someone I simply hang out with. I wanted us to be accepted and I wanted my parents to accept me for who I am, because in my opinion it's the way it should be.
"Well… I… Calliope and I are together…" I finally blurt out, earning wide glances, until my mother starts to laugh.
"Oh sweetie pie, we already know you go with Calliope together to school." She laughs and I almost turn read. Well okay… that was not the right thing to say… maybe I need to be a little bit clearer?
"No… I mean… Calliope and I… we are a couple… we love each other…"
Never I felt that small, but why should I? Why should I feel small or scared what they say? Why should I embarrassed and afraid of love? Love is nothing I should be scared about, nothing I should have to hide. Love should give strength; it should be accepted without asking any questions. Love is Calliope. Everything I think about love I see her in front of my eyes, I feel her; I also taste her and smell her. She's unique like love and love, Calliope, is something I am proud of; and so I stand up straight, bearing the silence, waiting what's going to happen next.
And when my dad finally looks up, directly into my eyes, navy blue eyes meeting mine and like all the others in the room who weren't saying anything I was anxious to hear what he was going to say.
"Are you still who I raised you to be?" Was the only question he was asking and I couldn't answer. I wanted to say all the things he already knew, but I was not able to say anything else, instead I started crying, my eyes filled with different emotions, all my anxious fading away when he finally smiled and stood up to take me into his arms and kissed the top of my head like he also did when I was a little girl, now, still being one.
"You're still my daughter if you worry about that and I still love you the same. If she makes you happy, and I have the feeling she does, she's welcome. She seems to be a nice girl." And with that I can't hide my sobs and I can't stop until I feel all of their arms around me.
The Robbins Clan is alive and we stand up, strong, for each other, and something like this is not changing everything. Not a single thing.
…...
I waited another few hours, until I finally heard the bell ring and immediately I ran downstairs, almost falling while I was running, charged with immeasurable energy and love for the girl, now, in front of me and all I could do was kissing her. I didn't even waited for her to say anything, because with one single I kiss I had so much to tell and when I finally pulled away, because air got a problem for both of us.
"I guess it went very well…" she says smiling while I can't stop grinning like a fool and I just nod.
"It went perfect… I never thought it'd be that good. I mean, yes I always thought and hoped they'd accept me for who I am and for who I love, but I was scared though, but now it feels just…" Once I started rambling it's hard for me to stop again, but when I look her into the eyes I realize something isn't right and so I stop, asking her instead what's wrong with her, because she wasn't really listening and that's not how she normally is.
"Calliope… What's wrong?"
She tries to avoid my gaze and take a step backwards, though, she's still holding my hand to give me the feeling that's nothing between us and immediately I calm down a little bit.
"My parents are going to be at home tomorrow again…"
"What? We have 3 more weeks of our vacation left I thought they would stay in Spain until the end?"
"That's what I thought, too. But they phoned me when I was at home and they told me they are going to be back tomorrow…" She says in a sad voice, but I don't realize what's wrong. Of course we can't be that freely at her place how we used to be the past 3 weeks, but we still have my room and we still have each other…
And there it comes… the reason she didn't want them to come back… After I came out to my parents today she might think she has to do the same thing to strength our relationship, though we both know she isn't ready yet.
So I take both of her hands in mine and rub the palm of her hand with my thumb, caressing her skin to calm her down a little bit and take her guilty glance away.
"You don't have to tell them, you know?" I say and she looks like I've read her mind.
"I will still stay with you and I'll still love you the same way even if you decide to not tell them about us, yet. I completely understand and I'm able to wait, okay? Don't worry about that, Calliope."
"Really?" She looks into my eyes with a hopeful glance of her brown orbs.
"Really…" I nod, kissing her softly another time.
"So it won't be a problem I'm no going to sleep over here tonight?" She asks and then I'm startled. Well we haven't talked about that…
"Well… I hate to say it, but I want to be there when they arrive and because I don't know when exactly I'm going to head home and wait for them to arrive. But tomorrow I'm just going to be here again, kay?"
A night without Calliope sounds awful, at most cause today was the day I told my parents and I imagined to celebrate with her a little bit, but it sounds logical and so I nod and let her go with one sweet kiss. "Okay, no problem. So I guess it's a "good bye" kiss tonight, isn't it?" I say unlucky about the latest revelation, until she smirks and kisses me once again.
"Not yet... I want my snuggle - portion now if I can't have it tonight… Accepted?"
I start to laugh… "Full accepted"
"Thanks Ma'am…" She says like she used to call my mother, the same way she still calls my Dad Colonel Robbins or Sir and I kind of think it's sweet, though, everything is going to change pretty soon as her, being a real part of our family now.
I take her hand while she's closing the door behind us and I drag her into my room where I fall on the bed and just wait for her to come down to me and take me into her arms.
I look her into the eyes one last time, smile and kiss her twice, before I drift of to sleep, and the next thing I remember is waking up to an empty bed, a short note on her side of the bed and the sun caressing my skin in the morning, instead of her soft breath and her capturing scent.
…...
The first time you realize you are really addicted to someone is the moment when you lay in bed the whole night, not really able to find peace and close my eyes. I shifted around, tried to close the gap between her and me until I realized every time freshly that she's not where she used to be the last weeks. The place where I desperately need her to be.
And when I stood up the next day it felt strange sitting on the kitchen counter eating our usual morning cereal and when I sat there I just thought about her laughter and smiled intentionally knowing it'd be like that tomorrow and the day after tomorrow… It'd be like that for a long time and I couldn't wait future to come.
The whole day I couldn't banish my smile and I also couldn't wait her to come and tell her everything I thought of, but hour by hour passed by and I waited for her. I waited until the door finally rang and I again I ran down to greet her with open arms, kissing her, letting her know how much I missed her, but when I opened the door I saw her standing her, looking like never before.
Tears were streaming down her face and right after I opened the door I immediately found her in my arms sobbing. And I held her, tightly, asking her what's wrong, and I dragged her into my room where we sat down on the edge of my bed, my hands on her cheeks and her tears on my hands. And then she kissed me, fervently, shortly, determined, but her tears and her sobs made it unable for both of us to continue. Her heart was broken and I couldn't even tell what it was, until she finally said: "I cut the off." and escaped in my embrace, clinging onto me for life.
I looked up, my hands still on her cheeks as I tried to make her look me into the eyes.
"What happened?" I whisper and she looks back, biting her lips and… crying her heart out…
…...
(Calliope's pov)
When you found yourself walking alone through the desert, thirsty and tired, for years, you suddenly stop believing. It's a calculated decision you make some night after another sleepless night. It's something realistic after you saw what the unfulfilled hope did to you.
You decided to walk further on, still desperate to find a place to rest and drink holy water, but though you are not hoping anymore… Because it always disappoints you… it always does.
But I'd say clearly: That's not right, folk.
Someday, a long time after you gave up, hope is knocking on your door calling out:
"Sorry, I know I'm a little bit late, but there was a BIG jam on the road of life, but here I am, finally, and looked who I brought with me; look who I've found on my way to you! Love really looked forward to meet you and when I told you I was on my way to you she didn't even hesitate to join me! And look who's next to join the party: Satisfaction! And over there's old joy, hey Joy come over here he can' wait to see you! And there's also happiness, Joy's little sister who started a campaign against loneliness! We were all coming just for you!"
And you will realize hope and love, satisfaction, joy and happiness; they were always there, they just needed time to find you like you needed time to be found and wait
But they will come. I promise
I know that, because I waited long enough, but it was all worth it.
When I open my eyes now I don't see waves of brown sand in front of them, I don't think about the desert anymore. I don't think about how thirsty and how desperate I have been.
I just think about the joy that is running through my veins, playing funny games with satisfaction, happiness and cheesiness in my stomach.
When I was younger I laughed about the thought of being addicted to someone, it's cornier than I ever wanted to be. But now I welcome it with open arms and when I wake up I want to call her and tell her everything I realized, but though I'm keep lying there in a room I have barely seen without her the past days.
I wait for my parents to arrive, but I don't know what to do, what to say and what to tell. I want to tell them everything, because I don't want to hide the best thing that ever happened to me and after Arizona told her parents about me, even I know how scared she was, I feel like a hopeless creep, sitting in my room and thinking what to do and how to hide our relationship. I feel awful, because I can't stand up for her and when I hear the voices of my parents hours ago after I finally managed to stand up and clean the house before they were coming back, I still feel the same. Or maybe… just worse… I embraced them and laughed with them, I listened to their voices, but while they were taking all the time all I could think about how much I needed to tell them… How much I needed to clarify my love for her.
It's about commitment and even we are together for one month, at least in 2 days, it's something I want to do for her and for us… Love is something beautiful; she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but though I can't tell… I can't tell…
"How was your vacation?" And then the answer I could reply with honesty. And they stand there; looking at me with shining and big eyes like they are waiting for something big, like a big revelation is coming up and it is…
"I met someone…" and they smile broadly.
"Actually I'm in a relationship…" I say, my heart not stopping to pound furiously.
And then their mouths hang open and a simple "Wow!" filled the room once… and twice and a thousand times in my head. And then there was silence.
"So… when are we going to meet the young man?" My dad finally said, smiling. But it wasn't the truth; his smile was a fake, because he doesn't knew that he was actually a she.
"I… Dad… Mom… I… you met Arizona before?" My voice is shaking, but they simply nod.
"Yeah, of course… but why? Is she coming over later?"
"Yes.. I mean no… I… I don't know… what I meant is… she is who I'm dating now… she is the one I'm with…"
Then their mouths drop again, but this time they are more than surprised. They are shocked, petrified, their eyes… terrified, just like my heart.
She didn't need me to tell them, she would accept everything, every part of me. But though I did it, because I… I love her.
"I never planned it, Mom… I never asked for it, but then she suddenly entered my life and I… we love each other… we really do and she makes me happy."
They don't look at me. No one. Mom is crying silent tears and my Dad is silent, not crying, but I can see how he is trembling, inwardly.
"You are not going to see her again." He says, pressured and I can't believe what he is saying. I wasn't expecting them to laugh and smile and tell me how happy they are for me, but I never expected them, my father, to do that… to misjudge love, to adjudge my love.
"Dad! You can't do that, it's my life and you can't tell me what to do! I'm going to see her! Of course I am! We are together and I love her and I don't care if you don't want it! Maybe you think it's a sin, but it's not, Dad! Why should it be? There's nothing more pure than love! And we… Dad… she loves me and she treats me well… we are happy…"
But he doesn't care if I'm happy… he just thinks about what's right and what's wrong in his eyes… and this isn't right…
"Leviticus - Thou shall not lie with a man as one lies with a female, it's an abomination…"
He starts intentionally looking into my eyes like he has to get the devil out of my body. But how could he ever act like she's devil?
I look at my mother, but she's silent… no words are leaving her trembling lips, that's when I know that I have to fight this fight on my own.
"Don't do that, Daddy! Don't quote the bible at me." I try to stop him, but he seems to be in rage.
"The outcry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and the sin is exceedingly grave."
And now I can't even stop myself from rambling.
"Jesus - a new commandment that I give unto you, that you love another."
It's starts to be a fight between to kind of people who believe in a different love. My love is unlimited. My love doesn't know any gender, any age, any fence. My love doesn't bend and so doesn't his point of view and he throw lines of the bible at me like I'm not his daughter he is talking to. Like I'm a stranger he tries to convince, not the daughter he should love and respect.
"Romans - But we know that laws…"
"Jesus! He is who is without sin among you; let him cast the first stone!"
"So you admit it's a sin…"
And it sinks in painfully, but though I stay there, no tears are leaving my eyes, but the sound of my voice is telling something undeniable. Tears are finding their way, from my heart to my olive skin.
"Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy! Jesus - Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see god! Jesus - Blessed are those who have been persecuted for righteousness sake. For theirs is the kingdom of heaven!"
I breathe in deeply, silent tears are tracing down a burning line on my cheek before I burst out loud:
"Jesus is my saviour, Daddy, NOT YOU!"
The last part I breathe out, before I spin around and ran out of the house, running through the streets, past all the wicked houses, past all the people and the trees and cars and buildings, until I'm reaching her house, needing her scent to crawl into my nose, needing to feel her arms wrapped around me, her lips finding mine, letting me know she's my mercy.
…...
(Arizona's pov)
I don't know how long she cried and spent there in my arms, hugging me tightly, clinging onto me like she would die without me touching her. I don't know how long she captured me whole body, tangled in hers and I don't know when she drifted of to sleep, but I know that I laid awake the half night, stroking her hair in the softest way, kissing her hot and wet cheeks or her silent lips to know that she's okay. To le her know that I'm going to be there, forever.
The next day I lost all my sense of time when we laid in front of each other, not moving, not talking, only our hands were touching simply and we were breathing the same air. And that was all we needed today. All we needed was the love we felt without talking, without truly touching, just by looking and realizing sometimes you don't need to move your mouth to communicate.
And I hate to stand up and leave her alone but after my parents and my brothers left for a party and there's nothing at home to eat I decided to get to my favourite pizza restaurant and get us delicious pizza. I left her here to clear her head for a little bit and it was already afternoon when I left. Maybe she needed a little bit time for herself after last night and so I left, just a little bit.
But when I was standing there, waiting for my pizza I felt like cancelling the pizza and instead running back to my room and instead snuggling with her. Rather snuggling than waiting… I could forget that I'm starving... no problem with that… but I can't forget that I'm starving for her…
No, Arizona, stop the dirty thoughts that kept rushing through your mind since you first met her… maybe it's not time… even I want to touch her in a way only I can… even I want to show her how much I want her and how much she captured my mind… I don't think she even knows how beautiful she is…
And then when a smile is crossing my face it's soon fading when I see the man who is also waiting, standing at the store window looking outside and looking lost. I don't know what to do, maybe I want to hit him with a brick, cause even he is the father of the girl I love, or maybe because he is her father I want to clear his head. Maybe he doesn't even know how broken she truly is because of him.
But when I walk up to him I just think of her and how much she means to me, how much I want her to be happy and she deserves to be loved by her parents…
I walk up to him without saying anything and I don't even know what to say when he looks up at me, frowning, looking at me with disrespect.
"I don't know you well enough to talk about my daughter…" He says angrily, dryly.
And then, out of the blue I realize what I need to say… and maybe it's not changing everything, but I need to do something. I need to stand up for her…
"Most people think that I was named for the state, but it's not true. I was named for a battleship. The USS Arizona." I explain simply and he doesn't know what I want to say with that… I don't know either. I just know that I love her and I will stand up for her, whatever it takes.
"My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and he saved… nineteen men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised to love my country, love my family and protect the things I love. When my father, Colonel Daniel Robbins of the United States Marine Corps heard that I was a lesbian, he said he only had one question. I was prepared for; 'how fast can you get the hell out of my house?' But instead… it was, 'are you still who I raised you to be?' My father believes in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me, because I'm his daughter. I'm a good man in a storm. I love your daughter. And I protect the things I love, not that I need to, she doesn't need it. She's strong and caring and honorable. And she's who you, raised her to be."
I smile last time while the knot in my throat grew bigger with each sentence. But though I feel better than ever before.
I just wish he would see how wonderful she is… And I hope he is going to see that very soon.
…...
After 2 long hours waiting there I finally come home and when I open the door I call out for her, knowing I did the right thing, because whatever is happening… we are in this together.
"Calliope?" I call out, smiling broadly, running up the stairs into my room, and when I finally open the door I see something I never thought off tonight and she stands there already waiting for me. And she's smiling too.
"You're finally back…" She says simply.
Author's Note: Ohh thanks to all who commented again. I'm so glad you like it and you all review :)
All my best wishes to you!!
Sun