Fic: You're the one I'm dreaming of - Chapter 8 + 9
Title: You're the one I'm dreaming of
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: N14+ for later Chapters
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, only the idea and words of this fanfiction. They belong to my thoughts and my heart.
Chapter 8 - Lightning striking (Part a)
(Arizona's pov)
Memories are just like dreams.
There are good and bad dreams, dreams that leaves you breathless and praying to something invisible. Good dreams are there to let you think about the things you had, but lost. Bad dreams are simply revealing what is missing and what you can't stop thinking about.
And with her it's just the same. Good Memories are turning into bad memories, because there's nothing I can do about. I can't go back and change what happened. I can't change what made the good memories to bad once.
I just sit there, smiling and crying, thinking about what could have been if we met each other in another time and at another place.
I wish I could build up other good memories with her…
Because no one ever loved me like she does.
And I never loved someone as much as I love her…
And I wished there could be a happily ever after…
After I said goodbye I promised myself I'd try
to get my mind off you and back to reality
Sometimes people are misjudging a situation.
They don't follow their hearts… they; instead, follow their heads, their responsibilities. They think too much and feel less. The only thing they can feel is pain and sorrow. But they never think what they are doing to themselves and to others, they only calculate. And I'm one of them.
While my heart is screaming out for her I only sit there on a small wing in the near of our house where I used to sit when I was a small girl. I got here to think, to cry, and to be with myself when I couldn't be with someone else. And so I sit there now again, knowing I'm the most stupid person in the world, because I push her away from me when she is all I ever wanted, all I ever longed for. But still I can't something is stopping me, something inside of me, but I don't know what it is.
I already lost myself in her, but still I'm trying to think about something else, I'm trying to escape my dream, the world she build up for me. Instead I'm trying to get back into reality, not knowing what I'm afraid of. Am I afraid of what the people say and think? Am I afraid that things are going to change? Am I afraid of finally becoming happy?
"Zona…?" I finally hear a soft voice, calling out for me and immediately I wished it would be her, freeing my from my freeze, taking all the fears away from me. But how could she know I'm here? Only one person really knows where I am, when I'm feeling like this…
And even I need to say so much, so much left to figure out, I remain in silence, because actually there's nothing to say now. But I know he thinks differently as he is sitting down in the other swing, his blue accusation and with worry tainted eyes are never leaving me. We both need time to compose ourselves for the conversation we finally are going to have. I know he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I know that he wants to help, that he wants to talk, but I also know that he's waiting for me until I'm ready to do the final step called confession.
"I'm in love…" I finally say, hushed, almost whispering like the wind is hardly audible blowing.
"I know…"
"What…?"
"I know you well enough to saw that you're in love, Zona."
"How?" I whisper shyly. Am I that obviously? Is it so easy to see that Calliope put her spell upon me?
"I have never seen you that happy, insecure and sad at the same time like you have been the past few weeks, since you met that girl… how's her name?"
"Calliope…"
It rolls so easily over my tongue and it comes so quickly, but still passionately and desperate, over my lips. That's when I know I want to say her name forever… Sometimes it's the only thing I want to say. Sometimes she's all I can think about.
But when did it happen? When was the point, I couldn't imagine myself without her around me? Was it when I first saw her? Did she capture my heart when she first kissed me secretly, thinking I wouldn't recognize it?
Was it the day we spent together? When she looked into my eyes like I'm the most beautiful creature n the world? Or when she stepped in front of Steve to help me?
When I think about it there hasn't been a clear moment I realized I was falling in love with her… There were only moments, pieces that formed a picture, now so clearly and pure. Finally capturing my attention.
The last piece was taken when we kissed in a dirty bathroom. Back then I realized I never felt that way by kissing someone; feeling the urge to never stop. I never felt so lost and desperate to turn around and never leave, when I left the room, left her behind.
But now the picture is completed, by her invisible and strong hands, and what I see in front of my eyes is taking my breath away…
It's the future.
A future we could have.
A future we might never experience.
"What's your problem, Ari?"
I look up, but I don't answer, because there's no answer. No answer I can give.
"I know you are scared. I know that, because I know you too well. You are scared of mom and dad and how they would react. You are scared about what the people say and you don't even know what happened to you. You are scared of doing the right thing, because that's mean all you ever thought about yourself was wrong. But Ari… don't try to lie to yourself and pretend you are happy. You can't flash me your giant dimples and believe I'm going to take it… She makes you happy, doesn't she? She makes you laugh and cry at the same time. You can talk to her or enjoy the silence with her… She makes you feel better and everything seems greater with her… Isn't it that way?"
But only lightning striking me, shaking me up could ever do that trick
Caught up in your love
Caught up in your love
Everything he said is simply true. He is reading the sites of my soul and my heart like an open book so I can't hide it anymore behind locked and safe bars, and with a pencil in his hands he wants to help me to rewrite Calliope's and mine story - for me, with me.
"When… When I see her… my heart starts to beat faster… and sometimes when we talk I just want to sit there and watch her, because she's so beautiful… In and outside… When she laughs, she lightens the room and I want to laugh with her… I want to be the reason she is laughing. When she cries I want to hold her and when she's thoughtful I want to know what's on her mind… and when she's smiling I want to be the one she's smiling at…"
Words are finally leaving my mouth; words I never thought I would say, but it's all I ever wanted to say. It's a simple love confession, telling him how I truly felt, how she captured my mind and my heart within weeks… It's always her, whatever I do and I hate myself for going away from her.
But when I'm sitting there, close to tears, he is only smiling, not judging.
"Do you love her?"
A simple question asks for a simple answer and so I say: "Yes… I love her…"
And then he laughs, his laughter filling the afternoon air.
"So why don't you be with her? God… Are all girls always as complicated as you are? Ari… you love her and the way she was looking at you she's totally in love with you, too. Don't care what people say or what mom and dad think about it. Give a damn that you're both girls. Don't let her go if you love her. Don't le her go, because of that. Love isn't something that follows rules, Ari. Love only follows one thing: your heart."
When I look up into his honest eyes I finally nod, realizing something I always had in me: I'm in love with her and that's all that matters.
And maybe…. Maybe the talk would be good…
But in the end it doesn't matter what the people say… it only matter what our heart say.
And I know: We would be good…
I was halfway home on a jet airplane, halfway between joy and pain
Thinking about walking with you by the evergreens
(Calliope's pov)
Whenever people fall in love and Cupid is knocking on their door they say they have never been in love like that before.
With me, love wasn't knocking; It came rushing in, unannounced, and I guessed Cupid just like to tease me and show me what I can't have.
And I always thought I couldn't have a bigger crush and I always howled like a threatened dog, like a lonely wolf, like a lost girl, desperately and madly in love.
But this time I can say I've never been in love like that without telling a lie, without overreacting.
Never a love tear me apart like this love, never a girl made me howl and lick my wounds like that, and if I could give myself away to be with her I'd do, immediately.
I would do anything and everything at all.
It's not just a small crush, it's not just a simple 'I like you' I'd send her way if I could.
It's a painful addiction, it's a growing fire that makes my body crumble and my heart ache, it's an honest 'I'm in love with you'.
And still I can't believe that she kissed me again; I can hardly grasp that we kissed just a few hours ago and when I touch my lips now with my trembling fingers, they are still burning.
In a dirty bathroom I captured her lips and she captured me in her hands - forever.
We kissed passionately, hungry and desperately, because we knew, before it even started, that this, between us, would find an end.
No, it wasn't just a kiss, it was desire. It was the beginning of us; at least it was for me…
And now when I walk down the street, being nowhere at all, I wish I could hate her.
I wish I could fill my body with madness and rage.
I wish I could push her out of my thoughts and out of my heart, like she pushed me away from her.
But I can't… no matter how hard I'm really trying she's still there.
And whatever is happening, whatever already happened and whatever will happen tomorrow, I could never forget her smile. I could never forget her touch or her words. I could never forget how beautiful she is; in the inside and on the outside.
And after I walked for what felt like hours I finally reach a door I'm always ending when I'm feeling like this. And today… it's just worse and I hardly recognize the white door opening and her standing in front of me, because an encompassing haze of tears made it impossible to see anything else than her, Arizona's, face.
"Hey…" I simply say, not able to say something else, and I have to gulp hard to get those few letters out of my dry mouth.
"Come in…" She says, reaching out for me and I knew there isn't anything else needed to be said. She understands how much I need her now. She understands without asking and everything she has done before I was coming, unannounced, doesn't matter anymore.
Minutes later I lie on top of her bed, where I use to lie very often, talking to her, laughing, putting my mind on ease and maybe, even, like now, crying.
"Why do I always end here when I'm feeling like this?" I mumble, tears still running down my red cheeks.
"Because I'm your person…" She replies softly as she's snuggling into my side, comforting me as much as she can and I'm thankful for that, but still only a small part of my heart is warmed by her strong and caring hands. The rest needs to be touched by her hands, her hands I'm desperately aching for.
And I ask myself how long I need to lay her to finally be able to breath without a aching heart, without her name, silently called out, by my lips, without my tears floating down the map of my broken heart.
And so I wait…
Wait for the pain to go away…
And secretly I wait…
I wait for her.…
Chapter 9 - Caught up in your love (part b)
"Do you love her?"
A simple question asks for a simple answer and so I say: "Yes… I love her…"
And then he laughs, his laughter filling the afternoon air.
"So why don't you be with her? God… Are all girls always as complicated as you are? Ari… you love her and the way she was looking at you she's totally in love with you, too. Don't care what people say or what mom and dad think about it. Give a damn that you're both girls. Don't let her go if you love her. Don't le her go, because of that. Love isn't something that follows rules, Ari. Love only follows one thing: your heart."
When I look up into his honest eyes I finally nod, realizing something I always had in me: I'm in love with her and that's all that matters.
And maybe…. Maybe the talk would be good…
But in the end it doesn't matter what the people say… it only matter what our heart say.
And I know: We would be good…
The way that light struck your eye, captured your face, nestled in my memory
Caught up in your love
A changing process needs a lot of time and space. Changing yourself means changing how you live and it means development. It always takes very long and it's a hard journey for someone who always lived the same way.
But sometimes there's a short moment, maybe something someone said to you or a look, a simple glance, a simple and soft gesture. And then you realize what you have to do and sometimes it doesn't take you long to know what and how and to develop.
When I stood up with my wings quickly growing and the pain fading away I realized it's never too late to change your life and yourself. It's never ever too late to become the person you want to be. It's never too late to do the right thing. It's never too late to love.
2 weeks passed after I talked to my brother and in two single weeks my old life crumbled and a new life, I wasn't even sure how it would be, started. I broke up with Steve in no time, because I just couldn't stay with him when Calliope was capturing my mind and when he first raised his hand and I closed my eyes, scared of the pain that'd rush through me body soon, I realized he wasn't the one for me and he has never really been. We both started to go out without loving each other. We both were pretending, thinking maybe there would be something. And even we both knew it was never meant to be he insisted and he pleaded for me to give him another chance. But I couldn't. Now… I never could.
In two single weeks I wasn't only breaking up with Steve, but also breaking up with my old friends and with my career as a cheerleader. I never realized it was so important with whom you hang out and with whom you get together or break up, but for them it was a reason to first try to make me get back to him and then dumb me, after I made it clear that I'd never get back with him… Still they try to convert me and make me believe that love is like that, but for me love isn't about pretending and hoping or wishing maybe there will be feelings. It isn't about doing what other people expect you to love and who.
And beside that I walked around in school, hoping I'd see Calliope again. I hoped and I still hope that we see each other in the hall or she still uses to sit under her favourite tree, but she was good in avoiding me. She was good in spinning around whenever she saw me, she was good at not looking at me, when she was everything I could and wanted to see. I'd even go on the rooftops and scream her name into the sky for everyone to know and her to see what's going on inside of me; but when I see her my knees are too weak and my mouth is dry so I can't speak. I can't forget what I did to her and how I treated her. I can't forget my mistakes and whenever I think about that I don't find the strength to do the final step.
And when I stood in front of her door, raising my hand to ring the bell I couldn't. I stood there half an hour, sitting on the porch without even moving, hoping I'd find the strength to ring and see her face again; to be strong enough to look her in the face and finally confess.
And I sat there for what felt like an eternity, but like she did in my imagination, she didn't come and I couldn't go.
So I sat there for a while, thinking, until I stood up, feeling lost like never before and wishing I could turn back the time were things were changeable.
You know, sometimes after you made a mistake you are not able to say sorry, ashamed of what you did. Instead you're hiding your heart away, hiding yourself in the darkest place.
Until, you sometimes, find yourself where memories are silently but surely, captured and you can't deny the beauty and the pureness that lies behind these long gone moments, whispering the undeniable truth into your ears.
And sometimes you realize there's still hope and there isn't time for giving up.
I'm looking out my window at blue skies above
Caught up in your love
(Calliope's pov)
When you were falling down for days and when you are falling but abruptly hit the ground you unlearn to smile so easily.
You think to know how it feels, because you read about it in books, you've seen it in movies, you heard about it in songs and your favourite poetries contains topics of a broken heart and disdained love. And because you occupy yourself a lot with it, you really believe you know everything about it, don't you?
How naive… how naïve you are… how naïve I've been…
A broken heart is first a broken heart after it got broken by a person you love. It screams loudly, it aches fervently, and you can even hear it howl, cry and whisper if you listen intentionally enough. And when your heart is falling apart for the first time you realize that the description in the books, movies, songs and poetries were a simple "good - night - story" compared to the emptiness you're feeling.
Yeah, people may think I'm a little bit overdramatic, but I… I say, go and meet her, run and look her into the eyes, chase after her and touch you're her lips and then fall not in love with her. Try not to fall in love and tell me how you did it, because I tried the impossible. I tried… and failed… and so I howled and crumbled and I'm feigning my death whenever I'm looking into her direction.
Yes, I tried so hard to forget about it and Anna helped me a lot. She held me when I cried and she kicked my ass when I was right before giving myself up. She was helping me so much and I don't know where I'd be without her now, but still a heart can't be healed within two weeks. It can't heal over and I can't smile without being happy.
I'm still as broken as I've been before and I still cry as much as I did 2 weeks ago, because I met her, and not loving her is impossible. It's the hardest thing to do, because whenever I close my eyes she's always there… always…
…...
Maybe it's wrong.
Maybe it's wrong, but it feels so good. It feels better than anything that I experienced before. I don't know how we got here, how we ended up like this, but with her head laying on top of my lap my finger found its way easily to her exposed skin.
And even I know it's toxic, she's toxic for me, I don't suppress the things I want.
And what I want is to touch her, show her exactly how she makes me feel whenever I see her and whenever she's around, so close. My fingers are gracing her milky skin like she's my work of art, and she truly is. She's mesmerizing. When she starts to move I'm scared I did too much, but she just shifts closer in her sleep, her eyes still closed with her lips still smiling.
And even I know it's the wrong thing to do I couldn't care less about society, about rules and behaving the right way, about falling in love with a girl you could and should never have.
And even I know it will leave me back heart broken I lean down and press my lips on hers for the first time. That's when I realize that I want her lips to touch mine… forever.
I don't know how it really happened, because I don't even realized how I drifted off to sleep and I don't even know how we ended up like this, but when I opened my eyes again the movie was already over and I could feel her warm breath on my face; her face just an inch away from mine and I could almost taste her caramel lips again. It was the only thing I wanted to do. Kissing, tasting, touching her more firmly, again and for the first time.
But I… I want to be able to do all of these things when she's aware of it, I want her to look at me the way I look at her, but before I do something stupid again, I try to stand up, cause it's not just very hard to contain my feelings, but it's also quiet late now.
But as soon as I'm trying to stand up I feel her hands softly grabbing for my shirt and even it feels desperate for me, knowing maybe she isn't thinking of me when she's trying to keep me in place while she's sleeping, I also feel contained like never before.
And when I lay down again she snuggles near me, breathing softly, like she's trying to breathe myself in and that's what I'm doing too…
Holding her in my arms is the only thing I want to do. She's the only one I want to be with.
…...
The worst thing is everyone can see… even if you try to hide your eyes are an open book and it was just a matter of time until I heard their voices getting me back to reality, where I belong, but don't want to be.
"What?" I look up from my meal, which I didn't even touch, no bite, no real glance. How easily you can forget to eat.
"Everything's alright?" My mom asks concerned and I can feel all their glances piercing through my body.
"Yeah, 'course…" I mumble, feeling trapped, but maybe a fake smile is going to help.
"You haven't touched your meal yet, sweetheart. Isn't it your favourite meal anymore?"
I look down… Yeah typical Spain Tapas. Tell me one Spaniard who doesn't like that…
"No no… everything's just perfect, Mom. It's delicious!"
"And how do you know that without even eating?"
"I ate." I insist putting the rule you shouldn't lie aside for a minute. God forgive.
"If you mean eating by looking at the food on your plate and poke with your spoon... Come on, mija… What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I lie again "Everything is just perfect…" and laugh dryly, cause everything is far away from perfect and that's what my dad already realized.
"Don't lie to your mother, Calliope, I've taught you something else! We clearly see that something is wrong with you, but if you don't want to talk it's your decision, but your mother and I decided that a change would be good for you right now… we are going to talk to your teachers… It's just one simple week before the summer vacation so that won't be a problem…"
Weeks ago I would have said no.
Weeks ago I maybe would have yelled and said that I don't need a change. I'd have said they are crazy and they can't just decide what's best for me, without even talking to me. But now… now… I couldn't care less.
I shrug and drop my shoulders afterwards again.
And I nod, before I drop my head and before a simple and small and burning drop is leaving my eyes… before I get back into another world where I remember her…
And I'm having all these thoughts too wild to speak of
Caught up in your love
(Arizona's pov)
I don't know how long I needed to prepare this speech. As Colonel Daniel Robbins daughter I'm totally used to speeches. I even believe he did a speech while my mom was giving birth. So you can really say I was born with this special gift and I never get tired of talking, rambling, doing speeches. But this time I sat there for days in my room and I laid awake to think about what to say to her. I prepared a speech in which I say sorry, in which I tell her how she captured my mind from the first day I saw her, and how she changed everything that has been... But I also want to tell her that it feels better… it feels right.
I want to tell her how she turned my world upside down like no one ever before. I want to tell her that I felt save in her arms, the night we watched a movie; that I felt her light kiss and how she hovered over my skin with her soft and long fingers and that I all I wanted was her, continuing. I need her to know how desperately my heart was aching, and my lips were screaming for her, silently, and tears were leaving my eyes, because of her, when I pulled away in the bathroom.
And I need to tell her that I'm going to do everything to be able to be with her. I'm going to be a good man in the storm for her…
But I'm… I'm not telling her, because I can't, because for the first time I'm not strong enough. She makes me weak; she makes my knees buckle and my heart I pounding furiously in my chest.
So long I waited, waited to be able to breath again, stop regretting the latest and biggest mistake I've made. And so I wait there, where I stood the past passing weeks, watching her.
And when the bell rings my heart beats faster.
So long I've waited for this moment to come, finally, talking to her again, asking her to meet me this afternoon and being able to tell her, finally, all the things I need her to know.
But when the classroom door opens, where she should have been the last 2 hours I'm not recognizing her, so I walk up to the big room where I met her for the first time, where I, at least, listened to her hypnotizing voice, but she's… she's not there.
Intentionally I ask myself where she could be, furiously looking around.
Maybe I just oversight her? No… I never could oversight her beautiful curves and her dark brown eyes.
Maybe she is sick? But it's the last school day before summer vacation and she also once told me she never get's really sick and yesterday she just seems to be totally perfect… And no, I'm not stalking…
But immediately I start to worry… immediately, immediately, immediately …
I recognize a face in the crowd and I start to run, need to reach her, call out for her, but she first knows that I mean her when I touch her shoulder and try to stop her.
I don't care if it's foolish to feel this way
I will take my chances with you despite what people say
Everyone around is looking confused, frowning and maybe I look pretty stupid right now, breathing heavily when I finally reached her, but I couldn't care less, cause that's what love made out of me… A fool.
And to be exactly I like to be a fool, I like what love made out of me and I don't care what they are going to say about me. I just don't care like I shouldn't have cared weeks ago when her lips crashed against mine, but it's never too late.
Love is never fading away, like hope is never leaving broken hearts.
"What do you want?" She asks me, looking totally pissed when she's recognizing who called out for her, and who touched her shoulder, and who is now standing in her way… and who is, in her opinion, the most awful person in her World, to say it how she would say it: An total idiot. But she's the only one I can ask, she's Calliope's best friend and if someone knows what's going on she has to and so I'm get out of the scary being afraid place, take a step forward and try my best in erasing the bloody stupid thing I have done.
"I need to know where Calliope is!" Maybe not the best way to start a conversation, but now I can't seem to find the will to wait anymore.
She laughs dryly as if I have said something that doesn't fit my personality. She looks at me intentionally, with anger in her eyes.
"Why would you like to know where she is?"
"Because I… I…" I look around, avoiding her gaze, because it's much more difficult to confess in front of someone you have never talked to before. It's not her I want to tell all of those things, but Calliope.
"Because you what?"
"Because I need to talk to her…"
"About what?"
Okay… she's pretty protective and somehow I'm lucky for Calliope that she has someone, a friend like her, who loves her just the way she is and who tries to be there for her, no matter what is happening, but though, it'd be easier for me without answering all these questions.
I breath in and out deeply, looking her in the eyes to let her know that all I'm going to say is filled with the truth, filled with the emotions of my heart.
"About how stupid I have been; about how much I want her, how much I need her… Listen, I don't know you, but I appreciate how protective you are and I sense Calliope means a lot to you, but I… I need a second chance… Yes, I made a mistake and it took me long enough to find the courage and stand up for how I feel… but I… I just need to talk to her and tell her how I feel; I need her to need me back, because thanks to her I'm going insane…"
She starts to smile, her face lighting up each passing moment like I've fulfilled her biggest wish; her wish to see her best friend finally happy again.
"…and without her I really do… I need to tell her how awesome she is and how awesome we would be and I need to tell her all of that right now, cause I… I don't seem to be able to think normal, let alone breathing normally again… I just need to know it's not too late… so please… please, just tell me where she is…"
And suddenly she tries to avoid looking at me, but though I try to search her eyes for a sign of hope, but there's just sadness, compassion…
"Maybe it is…" She whispers hardly audible, taking me into the empty classroom to be able to talk to me in private.
"What do you…What do you mean?" My heart is trembling, my voice is aching, my body is crumbling. My eyes are trying to listen and my mouth is watching her lips moving while my world is spinning madly, never stopping. Just the thought of loosing her, of being the one who said no in the first place, of letting her move on, is tearing my heart apart.
"Well… after all that has been in the last weeks her parents decided to take her to Spain during the summer vacation to free her mind again and they… they are leaving today…"
Okay… that's something I don't like to her, something I don't even want to think about. About all the possibilities, about what's going to happen while she's away and about what's going to be when she's finally back again. But summer vacation is too long to wait. I'm going to burst, I'm going to punish myself for letting her go and so I just ask.
"They are going to leave today?"
"Yeah…"
"When exactly?"
"Around 11 o'clock…" she replies and I look furiously around, searching the clock on the wall and when my glance is crossing the white disc and when my eyes are reading the black numbers, hope is starting to rise within seconds.
20 minutes left… 20 minutes until she's going to leave.
"Thank you!" I say to her, smiling, hope lets wings grow, hope and love are ignoring all the rules.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to stop her!" I call out, almost laughing like I'm on drugs… and I really, truly, purely am.
"Are you serious? We have…" She's frowning, even I now she likes the idea of someone fighting for her friend. That what love is: keep fighting.
School? Rules? I'm going to get in a lot of trouble if I'm just going now?
"I know… but… I don't care… Wish me luck!"
And finally she smiles widely and then I hear her voice: "Good Luck! Go get girl!"
People say, "Pay no mind, you don't want to waste your time
Loving one when there's so much more for you to see."
My lungs are burning and air became second best when my car got a flat in the middle of the way to her house and I just kept running, knowing why I trained all the years and stopping finally in front of her house.
Five. Minutes. Left.
But it is too quiet. Her house lies quiet in front of me like a lake on a warm summer day, the sun cascading on the surface, telling a wonderful and calming story. But this quietness isn't telling me the story of something wonderful, it is telling me the story of a departure, leaving me back, knocking on the white wooden door.
I don't know how long I stood there, knocking and begging and pleading for someone to open this damn door and leading me to Calliope, but nothing was happening, instead of sadness capturing my eyes like it was capturing my whole body.
And when I stood there, still knocking I leaned my head against the hard wooden door, tears leaving my lonely eyes. How stupid I was. How stupid I could have possibly been? Stupid, stupid, stupid and alone, the memories still burned down like a tattoo on my mind. How could I ever let her go? I would do anything for love. I'd do anything to hear her calling out my name once more, I'd…
"Arizona?"
Immediately I spin around, immediately recognizing her voice.
And there she is standing in front of me in a simple black top and blue jeans, her hair tied up in a messy ponytail. And her brown eyes are hypnotizing me and I can't look away, even I'd have to, I couldn't.
"What… What are you doing here… I thought… I thought you're away?"
So, let's talk about preparing speeches right now…
"I… I forgot something…" She replies, just rambling as much as I do, and if we are just at the point where rambling is unavoidable I continue right away.
"Calliope…" I'm taking a step forward with my now crystal blue eyes from all the crying.
"Please… please don't go. I just ask you one thing… don't go… I know I've made a lot mistakes… I know you might hate me right now and I understand, I really do, but all what happened… I'd take it back, because I need you near me… If you're not there it feels like something is missing. I can't think clearly and all I think about is being with you… There's a lot I need to say and I need time to tell you. I need time to make you believe me, trust me and listen to me. I need time to tell you how sorry I am… I need time to show you how much you mean to me… So please… don't go now and stay… Please…"
But they don't got what I've got, the jackpot, fits me like a glove
Caught up in your love
I look her in the eyes, but I can't read her completely.
Different emotions are gracing her face, but most important her brown orbs. Anger, Sadness, Pain. Maybe even Love, Maybe even Forgiveness.
But what I clearly see are simple tears she tries to hold back as she's gulping and asking something I hardly understand.
"Why, Arizona, Why? Why should I stay?" She asks with a whisper.
"Because I'm in love with you." A few words are leaving my mouth finally and as soon as they are reaching her ears and her eyes her expression is slowly changing into an unbelievable glance.
"You are?"
And the first time I'm standing in front of her I'm able to smile and nod.
"I am."
Grinning like a fool, like a fool in love, I stand there, smiling, nodding insuring, reassuringly.
And there it is… a simple reply that's changing everything.
"I'm in love with you, too…" She says softly and before I can even think I find her lips on mine.
It's desperate, but not filled with lust, but instead filled with passion and unbelievably love. Our lips are moulding perfectly and I never felt that way about kissing someone before and even it's just slow and not hungry, our lips parting and sensual touching, our tongues are not playing another game.
It's not about fulfilling a desire, but instead about commitment, about strengthens the already said words; and when my lips are massaging hers and I feel her soft and strong hands on my cheeks my heart is bursting because of the beauty I feel right now, about the joy that's rushing through my whole body.
Cause I'm looking out my window at blue skies above caught up in your love
And I'm having all these thoughts too wild to speak of caught up in your love
But suddenly we both get surprised by warm rain drops cascading our already hot skin and after we part, we look up into the sky and I can clearly say no moment has been better than this; soft rain capturing our bodies like the sun is still reflecting in our eyes.
"I don't go to Spain with my parents." She finally says when we look into each others eyes.
"But you said you forgot something?"
"Yeah… cause I was heading off to Anna who isn't even knowing about her luck yet, and because she's still at school I was heading home to get a few other things to sleep at her place tonight, before I'm back here tomorrow again…" She explains, but I still have one question.
"Why were you not going?"
She smiles, without answering yet. Instead she kisses me again and again and again, until my lips are hurting in the best possibly way, but then she's pulling away, again, while the rain is still falling.
"I was not leaving, because I still hoped you'd come by and if this moment would have come I needed to be there…"
Not just tear drops are rolling down my cheeks, but also tear, telling her how deeply I feel for her.
She believed in me, she still believes in us when everything seemed to be over; and here I am. Here we are, kissing again, and before I can react she pulled me up in a bear hug and I'm floating in her strong arms, while she's still kissing me, but also twisting.
And while I'm up there, feeling safe and loved I start to believe this is my own Hollywood movie.
My own happy end.
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: N14+ for later Chapters
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, only the idea and words of this fanfiction. They belong to my thoughts and my heart.
Chapter 8 - Lightning striking (Part a)
(Arizona's pov)
Memories are just like dreams.
There are good and bad dreams, dreams that leaves you breathless and praying to something invisible. Good dreams are there to let you think about the things you had, but lost. Bad dreams are simply revealing what is missing and what you can't stop thinking about.
And with her it's just the same. Good Memories are turning into bad memories, because there's nothing I can do about. I can't go back and change what happened. I can't change what made the good memories to bad once.
I just sit there, smiling and crying, thinking about what could have been if we met each other in another time and at another place.
I wish I could build up other good memories with her…
Because no one ever loved me like she does.
And I never loved someone as much as I love her…
And I wished there could be a happily ever after…
After I said goodbye I promised myself I'd try
to get my mind off you and back to reality
Sometimes people are misjudging a situation.
They don't follow their hearts… they; instead, follow their heads, their responsibilities. They think too much and feel less. The only thing they can feel is pain and sorrow. But they never think what they are doing to themselves and to others, they only calculate. And I'm one of them.
While my heart is screaming out for her I only sit there on a small wing in the near of our house where I used to sit when I was a small girl. I got here to think, to cry, and to be with myself when I couldn't be with someone else. And so I sit there now again, knowing I'm the most stupid person in the world, because I push her away from me when she is all I ever wanted, all I ever longed for. But still I can't something is stopping me, something inside of me, but I don't know what it is.
I already lost myself in her, but still I'm trying to think about something else, I'm trying to escape my dream, the world she build up for me. Instead I'm trying to get back into reality, not knowing what I'm afraid of. Am I afraid of what the people say and think? Am I afraid that things are going to change? Am I afraid of finally becoming happy?
"Zona…?" I finally hear a soft voice, calling out for me and immediately I wished it would be her, freeing my from my freeze, taking all the fears away from me. But how could she know I'm here? Only one person really knows where I am, when I'm feeling like this…
And even I need to say so much, so much left to figure out, I remain in silence, because actually there's nothing to say now. But I know he thinks differently as he is sitting down in the other swing, his blue accusation and with worry tainted eyes are never leaving me. We both need time to compose ourselves for the conversation we finally are going to have. I know he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I know that he wants to help, that he wants to talk, but I also know that he's waiting for me until I'm ready to do the final step called confession.
"I'm in love…" I finally say, hushed, almost whispering like the wind is hardly audible blowing.
"I know…"
"What…?"
"I know you well enough to saw that you're in love, Zona."
"How?" I whisper shyly. Am I that obviously? Is it so easy to see that Calliope put her spell upon me?
"I have never seen you that happy, insecure and sad at the same time like you have been the past few weeks, since you met that girl… how's her name?"
"Calliope…"
It rolls so easily over my tongue and it comes so quickly, but still passionately and desperate, over my lips. That's when I know I want to say her name forever… Sometimes it's the only thing I want to say. Sometimes she's all I can think about.
But when did it happen? When was the point, I couldn't imagine myself without her around me? Was it when I first saw her? Did she capture my heart when she first kissed me secretly, thinking I wouldn't recognize it?
Was it the day we spent together? When she looked into my eyes like I'm the most beautiful creature n the world? Or when she stepped in front of Steve to help me?
When I think about it there hasn't been a clear moment I realized I was falling in love with her… There were only moments, pieces that formed a picture, now so clearly and pure. Finally capturing my attention.
The last piece was taken when we kissed in a dirty bathroom. Back then I realized I never felt that way by kissing someone; feeling the urge to never stop. I never felt so lost and desperate to turn around and never leave, when I left the room, left her behind.
But now the picture is completed, by her invisible and strong hands, and what I see in front of my eyes is taking my breath away…
It's the future.
A future we could have.
A future we might never experience.
"What's your problem, Ari?"
I look up, but I don't answer, because there's no answer. No answer I can give.
"I know you are scared. I know that, because I know you too well. You are scared of mom and dad and how they would react. You are scared about what the people say and you don't even know what happened to you. You are scared of doing the right thing, because that's mean all you ever thought about yourself was wrong. But Ari… don't try to lie to yourself and pretend you are happy. You can't flash me your giant dimples and believe I'm going to take it… She makes you happy, doesn't she? She makes you laugh and cry at the same time. You can talk to her or enjoy the silence with her… She makes you feel better and everything seems greater with her… Isn't it that way?"
But only lightning striking me, shaking me up could ever do that trick
Caught up in your love
Caught up in your love
Everything he said is simply true. He is reading the sites of my soul and my heart like an open book so I can't hide it anymore behind locked and safe bars, and with a pencil in his hands he wants to help me to rewrite Calliope's and mine story - for me, with me.
"When… When I see her… my heart starts to beat faster… and sometimes when we talk I just want to sit there and watch her, because she's so beautiful… In and outside… When she laughs, she lightens the room and I want to laugh with her… I want to be the reason she is laughing. When she cries I want to hold her and when she's thoughtful I want to know what's on her mind… and when she's smiling I want to be the one she's smiling at…"
Words are finally leaving my mouth; words I never thought I would say, but it's all I ever wanted to say. It's a simple love confession, telling him how I truly felt, how she captured my mind and my heart within weeks… It's always her, whatever I do and I hate myself for going away from her.
But when I'm sitting there, close to tears, he is only smiling, not judging.
"Do you love her?"
A simple question asks for a simple answer and so I say: "Yes… I love her…"
And then he laughs, his laughter filling the afternoon air.
"So why don't you be with her? God… Are all girls always as complicated as you are? Ari… you love her and the way she was looking at you she's totally in love with you, too. Don't care what people say or what mom and dad think about it. Give a damn that you're both girls. Don't let her go if you love her. Don't le her go, because of that. Love isn't something that follows rules, Ari. Love only follows one thing: your heart."
When I look up into his honest eyes I finally nod, realizing something I always had in me: I'm in love with her and that's all that matters.
And maybe…. Maybe the talk would be good…
But in the end it doesn't matter what the people say… it only matter what our heart say.
And I know: We would be good…
I was halfway home on a jet airplane, halfway between joy and pain
Thinking about walking with you by the evergreens
(Calliope's pov)
Whenever people fall in love and Cupid is knocking on their door they say they have never been in love like that before.
With me, love wasn't knocking; It came rushing in, unannounced, and I guessed Cupid just like to tease me and show me what I can't have.
And I always thought I couldn't have a bigger crush and I always howled like a threatened dog, like a lonely wolf, like a lost girl, desperately and madly in love.
But this time I can say I've never been in love like that without telling a lie, without overreacting.
Never a love tear me apart like this love, never a girl made me howl and lick my wounds like that, and if I could give myself away to be with her I'd do, immediately.
I would do anything and everything at all.
It's not just a small crush, it's not just a simple 'I like you' I'd send her way if I could.
It's a painful addiction, it's a growing fire that makes my body crumble and my heart ache, it's an honest 'I'm in love with you'.
And still I can't believe that she kissed me again; I can hardly grasp that we kissed just a few hours ago and when I touch my lips now with my trembling fingers, they are still burning.
In a dirty bathroom I captured her lips and she captured me in her hands - forever.
We kissed passionately, hungry and desperately, because we knew, before it even started, that this, between us, would find an end.
No, it wasn't just a kiss, it was desire. It was the beginning of us; at least it was for me…
And now when I walk down the street, being nowhere at all, I wish I could hate her.
I wish I could fill my body with madness and rage.
I wish I could push her out of my thoughts and out of my heart, like she pushed me away from her.
But I can't… no matter how hard I'm really trying she's still there.
And whatever is happening, whatever already happened and whatever will happen tomorrow, I could never forget her smile. I could never forget her touch or her words. I could never forget how beautiful she is; in the inside and on the outside.
And after I walked for what felt like hours I finally reach a door I'm always ending when I'm feeling like this. And today… it's just worse and I hardly recognize the white door opening and her standing in front of me, because an encompassing haze of tears made it impossible to see anything else than her, Arizona's, face.
"Hey…" I simply say, not able to say something else, and I have to gulp hard to get those few letters out of my dry mouth.
"Come in…" She says, reaching out for me and I knew there isn't anything else needed to be said. She understands how much I need her now. She understands without asking and everything she has done before I was coming, unannounced, doesn't matter anymore.
Minutes later I lie on top of her bed, where I use to lie very often, talking to her, laughing, putting my mind on ease and maybe, even, like now, crying.
"Why do I always end here when I'm feeling like this?" I mumble, tears still running down my red cheeks.
"Because I'm your person…" She replies softly as she's snuggling into my side, comforting me as much as she can and I'm thankful for that, but still only a small part of my heart is warmed by her strong and caring hands. The rest needs to be touched by her hands, her hands I'm desperately aching for.
And I ask myself how long I need to lay her to finally be able to breath without a aching heart, without her name, silently called out, by my lips, without my tears floating down the map of my broken heart.
And so I wait…
Wait for the pain to go away…
And secretly I wait…
I wait for her.…
Chapter 9 - Caught up in your love (part b)
"Do you love her?"
A simple question asks for a simple answer and so I say: "Yes… I love her…"
And then he laughs, his laughter filling the afternoon air.
"So why don't you be with her? God… Are all girls always as complicated as you are? Ari… you love her and the way she was looking at you she's totally in love with you, too. Don't care what people say or what mom and dad think about it. Give a damn that you're both girls. Don't let her go if you love her. Don't le her go, because of that. Love isn't something that follows rules, Ari. Love only follows one thing: your heart."
When I look up into his honest eyes I finally nod, realizing something I always had in me: I'm in love with her and that's all that matters.
And maybe…. Maybe the talk would be good…
But in the end it doesn't matter what the people say… it only matter what our heart say.
And I know: We would be good…
The way that light struck your eye, captured your face, nestled in my memory
Caught up in your love
A changing process needs a lot of time and space. Changing yourself means changing how you live and it means development. It always takes very long and it's a hard journey for someone who always lived the same way.
But sometimes there's a short moment, maybe something someone said to you or a look, a simple glance, a simple and soft gesture. And then you realize what you have to do and sometimes it doesn't take you long to know what and how and to develop.
When I stood up with my wings quickly growing and the pain fading away I realized it's never too late to change your life and yourself. It's never ever too late to become the person you want to be. It's never too late to do the right thing. It's never too late to love.
2 weeks passed after I talked to my brother and in two single weeks my old life crumbled and a new life, I wasn't even sure how it would be, started. I broke up with Steve in no time, because I just couldn't stay with him when Calliope was capturing my mind and when he first raised his hand and I closed my eyes, scared of the pain that'd rush through me body soon, I realized he wasn't the one for me and he has never really been. We both started to go out without loving each other. We both were pretending, thinking maybe there would be something. And even we both knew it was never meant to be he insisted and he pleaded for me to give him another chance. But I couldn't. Now… I never could.
In two single weeks I wasn't only breaking up with Steve, but also breaking up with my old friends and with my career as a cheerleader. I never realized it was so important with whom you hang out and with whom you get together or break up, but for them it was a reason to first try to make me get back to him and then dumb me, after I made it clear that I'd never get back with him… Still they try to convert me and make me believe that love is like that, but for me love isn't about pretending and hoping or wishing maybe there will be feelings. It isn't about doing what other people expect you to love and who.
And beside that I walked around in school, hoping I'd see Calliope again. I hoped and I still hope that we see each other in the hall or she still uses to sit under her favourite tree, but she was good in avoiding me. She was good in spinning around whenever she saw me, she was good at not looking at me, when she was everything I could and wanted to see. I'd even go on the rooftops and scream her name into the sky for everyone to know and her to see what's going on inside of me; but when I see her my knees are too weak and my mouth is dry so I can't speak. I can't forget what I did to her and how I treated her. I can't forget my mistakes and whenever I think about that I don't find the strength to do the final step.
And when I stood in front of her door, raising my hand to ring the bell I couldn't. I stood there half an hour, sitting on the porch without even moving, hoping I'd find the strength to ring and see her face again; to be strong enough to look her in the face and finally confess.
And I sat there for what felt like an eternity, but like she did in my imagination, she didn't come and I couldn't go.
So I sat there for a while, thinking, until I stood up, feeling lost like never before and wishing I could turn back the time were things were changeable.
You know, sometimes after you made a mistake you are not able to say sorry, ashamed of what you did. Instead you're hiding your heart away, hiding yourself in the darkest place.
Until, you sometimes, find yourself where memories are silently but surely, captured and you can't deny the beauty and the pureness that lies behind these long gone moments, whispering the undeniable truth into your ears.
And sometimes you realize there's still hope and there isn't time for giving up.
I'm looking out my window at blue skies above
Caught up in your love
(Calliope's pov)
When you were falling down for days and when you are falling but abruptly hit the ground you unlearn to smile so easily.
You think to know how it feels, because you read about it in books, you've seen it in movies, you heard about it in songs and your favourite poetries contains topics of a broken heart and disdained love. And because you occupy yourself a lot with it, you really believe you know everything about it, don't you?
How naive… how naïve you are… how naïve I've been…
A broken heart is first a broken heart after it got broken by a person you love. It screams loudly, it aches fervently, and you can even hear it howl, cry and whisper if you listen intentionally enough. And when your heart is falling apart for the first time you realize that the description in the books, movies, songs and poetries were a simple "good - night - story" compared to the emptiness you're feeling.
Yeah, people may think I'm a little bit overdramatic, but I… I say, go and meet her, run and look her into the eyes, chase after her and touch you're her lips and then fall not in love with her. Try not to fall in love and tell me how you did it, because I tried the impossible. I tried… and failed… and so I howled and crumbled and I'm feigning my death whenever I'm looking into her direction.
Yes, I tried so hard to forget about it and Anna helped me a lot. She held me when I cried and she kicked my ass when I was right before giving myself up. She was helping me so much and I don't know where I'd be without her now, but still a heart can't be healed within two weeks. It can't heal over and I can't smile without being happy.
I'm still as broken as I've been before and I still cry as much as I did 2 weeks ago, because I met her, and not loving her is impossible. It's the hardest thing to do, because whenever I close my eyes she's always there… always…
…...
Maybe it's wrong.
Maybe it's wrong, but it feels so good. It feels better than anything that I experienced before. I don't know how we got here, how we ended up like this, but with her head laying on top of my lap my finger found its way easily to her exposed skin.
And even I know it's toxic, she's toxic for me, I don't suppress the things I want.
And what I want is to touch her, show her exactly how she makes me feel whenever I see her and whenever she's around, so close. My fingers are gracing her milky skin like she's my work of art, and she truly is. She's mesmerizing. When she starts to move I'm scared I did too much, but she just shifts closer in her sleep, her eyes still closed with her lips still smiling.
And even I know it's the wrong thing to do I couldn't care less about society, about rules and behaving the right way, about falling in love with a girl you could and should never have.
And even I know it will leave me back heart broken I lean down and press my lips on hers for the first time. That's when I realize that I want her lips to touch mine… forever.
I don't know how it really happened, because I don't even realized how I drifted off to sleep and I don't even know how we ended up like this, but when I opened my eyes again the movie was already over and I could feel her warm breath on my face; her face just an inch away from mine and I could almost taste her caramel lips again. It was the only thing I wanted to do. Kissing, tasting, touching her more firmly, again and for the first time.
But I… I want to be able to do all of these things when she's aware of it, I want her to look at me the way I look at her, but before I do something stupid again, I try to stand up, cause it's not just very hard to contain my feelings, but it's also quiet late now.
But as soon as I'm trying to stand up I feel her hands softly grabbing for my shirt and even it feels desperate for me, knowing maybe she isn't thinking of me when she's trying to keep me in place while she's sleeping, I also feel contained like never before.
And when I lay down again she snuggles near me, breathing softly, like she's trying to breathe myself in and that's what I'm doing too…
Holding her in my arms is the only thing I want to do. She's the only one I want to be with.
…...
The worst thing is everyone can see… even if you try to hide your eyes are an open book and it was just a matter of time until I heard their voices getting me back to reality, where I belong, but don't want to be.
"What?" I look up from my meal, which I didn't even touch, no bite, no real glance. How easily you can forget to eat.
"Everything's alright?" My mom asks concerned and I can feel all their glances piercing through my body.
"Yeah, 'course…" I mumble, feeling trapped, but maybe a fake smile is going to help.
"You haven't touched your meal yet, sweetheart. Isn't it your favourite meal anymore?"
I look down… Yeah typical Spain Tapas. Tell me one Spaniard who doesn't like that…
"No no… everything's just perfect, Mom. It's delicious!"
"And how do you know that without even eating?"
"I ate." I insist putting the rule you shouldn't lie aside for a minute. God forgive.
"If you mean eating by looking at the food on your plate and poke with your spoon... Come on, mija… What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I lie again "Everything is just perfect…" and laugh dryly, cause everything is far away from perfect and that's what my dad already realized.
"Don't lie to your mother, Calliope, I've taught you something else! We clearly see that something is wrong with you, but if you don't want to talk it's your decision, but your mother and I decided that a change would be good for you right now… we are going to talk to your teachers… It's just one simple week before the summer vacation so that won't be a problem…"
Weeks ago I would have said no.
Weeks ago I maybe would have yelled and said that I don't need a change. I'd have said they are crazy and they can't just decide what's best for me, without even talking to me. But now… now… I couldn't care less.
I shrug and drop my shoulders afterwards again.
And I nod, before I drop my head and before a simple and small and burning drop is leaving my eyes… before I get back into another world where I remember her…
And I'm having all these thoughts too wild to speak of
Caught up in your love
(Arizona's pov)
I don't know how long I needed to prepare this speech. As Colonel Daniel Robbins daughter I'm totally used to speeches. I even believe he did a speech while my mom was giving birth. So you can really say I was born with this special gift and I never get tired of talking, rambling, doing speeches. But this time I sat there for days in my room and I laid awake to think about what to say to her. I prepared a speech in which I say sorry, in which I tell her how she captured my mind from the first day I saw her, and how she changed everything that has been... But I also want to tell her that it feels better… it feels right.
I want to tell her how she turned my world upside down like no one ever before. I want to tell her that I felt save in her arms, the night we watched a movie; that I felt her light kiss and how she hovered over my skin with her soft and long fingers and that I all I wanted was her, continuing. I need her to know how desperately my heart was aching, and my lips were screaming for her, silently, and tears were leaving my eyes, because of her, when I pulled away in the bathroom.
And I need to tell her that I'm going to do everything to be able to be with her. I'm going to be a good man in the storm for her…
But I'm… I'm not telling her, because I can't, because for the first time I'm not strong enough. She makes me weak; she makes my knees buckle and my heart I pounding furiously in my chest.
So long I waited, waited to be able to breath again, stop regretting the latest and biggest mistake I've made. And so I wait there, where I stood the past passing weeks, watching her.
And when the bell rings my heart beats faster.
So long I've waited for this moment to come, finally, talking to her again, asking her to meet me this afternoon and being able to tell her, finally, all the things I need her to know.
But when the classroom door opens, where she should have been the last 2 hours I'm not recognizing her, so I walk up to the big room where I met her for the first time, where I, at least, listened to her hypnotizing voice, but she's… she's not there.
Intentionally I ask myself where she could be, furiously looking around.
Maybe I just oversight her? No… I never could oversight her beautiful curves and her dark brown eyes.
Maybe she is sick? But it's the last school day before summer vacation and she also once told me she never get's really sick and yesterday she just seems to be totally perfect… And no, I'm not stalking…
But immediately I start to worry… immediately, immediately, immediately …
I recognize a face in the crowd and I start to run, need to reach her, call out for her, but she first knows that I mean her when I touch her shoulder and try to stop her.
I don't care if it's foolish to feel this way
I will take my chances with you despite what people say
Everyone around is looking confused, frowning and maybe I look pretty stupid right now, breathing heavily when I finally reached her, but I couldn't care less, cause that's what love made out of me… A fool.
And to be exactly I like to be a fool, I like what love made out of me and I don't care what they are going to say about me. I just don't care like I shouldn't have cared weeks ago when her lips crashed against mine, but it's never too late.
Love is never fading away, like hope is never leaving broken hearts.
"What do you want?" She asks me, looking totally pissed when she's recognizing who called out for her, and who touched her shoulder, and who is now standing in her way… and who is, in her opinion, the most awful person in her World, to say it how she would say it: An total idiot. But she's the only one I can ask, she's Calliope's best friend and if someone knows what's going on she has to and so I'm get out of the scary being afraid place, take a step forward and try my best in erasing the bloody stupid thing I have done.
"I need to know where Calliope is!" Maybe not the best way to start a conversation, but now I can't seem to find the will to wait anymore.
She laughs dryly as if I have said something that doesn't fit my personality. She looks at me intentionally, with anger in her eyes.
"Why would you like to know where she is?"
"Because I… I…" I look around, avoiding her gaze, because it's much more difficult to confess in front of someone you have never talked to before. It's not her I want to tell all of those things, but Calliope.
"Because you what?"
"Because I need to talk to her…"
"About what?"
Okay… she's pretty protective and somehow I'm lucky for Calliope that she has someone, a friend like her, who loves her just the way she is and who tries to be there for her, no matter what is happening, but though, it'd be easier for me without answering all these questions.
I breath in and out deeply, looking her in the eyes to let her know that all I'm going to say is filled with the truth, filled with the emotions of my heart.
"About how stupid I have been; about how much I want her, how much I need her… Listen, I don't know you, but I appreciate how protective you are and I sense Calliope means a lot to you, but I… I need a second chance… Yes, I made a mistake and it took me long enough to find the courage and stand up for how I feel… but I… I just need to talk to her and tell her how I feel; I need her to need me back, because thanks to her I'm going insane…"
She starts to smile, her face lighting up each passing moment like I've fulfilled her biggest wish; her wish to see her best friend finally happy again.
"…and without her I really do… I need to tell her how awesome she is and how awesome we would be and I need to tell her all of that right now, cause I… I don't seem to be able to think normal, let alone breathing normally again… I just need to know it's not too late… so please… please, just tell me where she is…"
And suddenly she tries to avoid looking at me, but though I try to search her eyes for a sign of hope, but there's just sadness, compassion…
"Maybe it is…" She whispers hardly audible, taking me into the empty classroom to be able to talk to me in private.
"What do you…What do you mean?" My heart is trembling, my voice is aching, my body is crumbling. My eyes are trying to listen and my mouth is watching her lips moving while my world is spinning madly, never stopping. Just the thought of loosing her, of being the one who said no in the first place, of letting her move on, is tearing my heart apart.
"Well… after all that has been in the last weeks her parents decided to take her to Spain during the summer vacation to free her mind again and they… they are leaving today…"
Okay… that's something I don't like to her, something I don't even want to think about. About all the possibilities, about what's going to happen while she's away and about what's going to be when she's finally back again. But summer vacation is too long to wait. I'm going to burst, I'm going to punish myself for letting her go and so I just ask.
"They are going to leave today?"
"Yeah…"
"When exactly?"
"Around 11 o'clock…" she replies and I look furiously around, searching the clock on the wall and when my glance is crossing the white disc and when my eyes are reading the black numbers, hope is starting to rise within seconds.
20 minutes left… 20 minutes until she's going to leave.
"Thank you!" I say to her, smiling, hope lets wings grow, hope and love are ignoring all the rules.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to stop her!" I call out, almost laughing like I'm on drugs… and I really, truly, purely am.
"Are you serious? We have…" She's frowning, even I now she likes the idea of someone fighting for her friend. That what love is: keep fighting.
School? Rules? I'm going to get in a lot of trouble if I'm just going now?
"I know… but… I don't care… Wish me luck!"
And finally she smiles widely and then I hear her voice: "Good Luck! Go get girl!"
People say, "Pay no mind, you don't want to waste your time
Loving one when there's so much more for you to see."
My lungs are burning and air became second best when my car got a flat in the middle of the way to her house and I just kept running, knowing why I trained all the years and stopping finally in front of her house.
Five. Minutes. Left.
But it is too quiet. Her house lies quiet in front of me like a lake on a warm summer day, the sun cascading on the surface, telling a wonderful and calming story. But this quietness isn't telling me the story of something wonderful, it is telling me the story of a departure, leaving me back, knocking on the white wooden door.
I don't know how long I stood there, knocking and begging and pleading for someone to open this damn door and leading me to Calliope, but nothing was happening, instead of sadness capturing my eyes like it was capturing my whole body.
And when I stood there, still knocking I leaned my head against the hard wooden door, tears leaving my lonely eyes. How stupid I was. How stupid I could have possibly been? Stupid, stupid, stupid and alone, the memories still burned down like a tattoo on my mind. How could I ever let her go? I would do anything for love. I'd do anything to hear her calling out my name once more, I'd…
"Arizona?"
Immediately I spin around, immediately recognizing her voice.
And there she is standing in front of me in a simple black top and blue jeans, her hair tied up in a messy ponytail. And her brown eyes are hypnotizing me and I can't look away, even I'd have to, I couldn't.
"What… What are you doing here… I thought… I thought you're away?"
So, let's talk about preparing speeches right now…
"I… I forgot something…" She replies, just rambling as much as I do, and if we are just at the point where rambling is unavoidable I continue right away.
"Calliope…" I'm taking a step forward with my now crystal blue eyes from all the crying.
"Please… please don't go. I just ask you one thing… don't go… I know I've made a lot mistakes… I know you might hate me right now and I understand, I really do, but all what happened… I'd take it back, because I need you near me… If you're not there it feels like something is missing. I can't think clearly and all I think about is being with you… There's a lot I need to say and I need time to tell you. I need time to make you believe me, trust me and listen to me. I need time to tell you how sorry I am… I need time to show you how much you mean to me… So please… don't go now and stay… Please…"
But they don't got what I've got, the jackpot, fits me like a glove
Caught up in your love
I look her in the eyes, but I can't read her completely.
Different emotions are gracing her face, but most important her brown orbs. Anger, Sadness, Pain. Maybe even Love, Maybe even Forgiveness.
But what I clearly see are simple tears she tries to hold back as she's gulping and asking something I hardly understand.
"Why, Arizona, Why? Why should I stay?" She asks with a whisper.
"Because I'm in love with you." A few words are leaving my mouth finally and as soon as they are reaching her ears and her eyes her expression is slowly changing into an unbelievable glance.
"You are?"
And the first time I'm standing in front of her I'm able to smile and nod.
"I am."
Grinning like a fool, like a fool in love, I stand there, smiling, nodding insuring, reassuringly.
And there it is… a simple reply that's changing everything.
"I'm in love with you, too…" She says softly and before I can even think I find her lips on mine.
It's desperate, but not filled with lust, but instead filled with passion and unbelievably love. Our lips are moulding perfectly and I never felt that way about kissing someone before and even it's just slow and not hungry, our lips parting and sensual touching, our tongues are not playing another game.
It's not about fulfilling a desire, but instead about commitment, about strengthens the already said words; and when my lips are massaging hers and I feel her soft and strong hands on my cheeks my heart is bursting because of the beauty I feel right now, about the joy that's rushing through my whole body.
Cause I'm looking out my window at blue skies above caught up in your love
And I'm having all these thoughts too wild to speak of caught up in your love
But suddenly we both get surprised by warm rain drops cascading our already hot skin and after we part, we look up into the sky and I can clearly say no moment has been better than this; soft rain capturing our bodies like the sun is still reflecting in our eyes.
"I don't go to Spain with my parents." She finally says when we look into each others eyes.
"But you said you forgot something?"
"Yeah… cause I was heading off to Anna who isn't even knowing about her luck yet, and because she's still at school I was heading home to get a few other things to sleep at her place tonight, before I'm back here tomorrow again…" She explains, but I still have one question.
"Why were you not going?"
She smiles, without answering yet. Instead she kisses me again and again and again, until my lips are hurting in the best possibly way, but then she's pulling away, again, while the rain is still falling.
"I was not leaving, because I still hoped you'd come by and if this moment would have come I needed to be there…"
Not just tear drops are rolling down my cheeks, but also tear, telling her how deeply I feel for her.
She believed in me, she still believes in us when everything seemed to be over; and here I am. Here we are, kissing again, and before I can react she pulled me up in a bear hug and I'm floating in her strong arms, while she's still kissing me, but also twisting.
And while I'm up there, feeling safe and loved I start to believe this is my own Hollywood movie.
My own happy end.