Finding You Chapter 30
Title: Finding You
Chapters: 30/?
Pairing: HyukHae
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, only the weird plot.
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Hyukjae learns about Donghae’s past
Note: This is written from Hyukjae and Donghae’s point of view.
Donghae’s P.O.V.
“How badly did he hurt you?” Hyukjae asked when his arms where wrapped securely around my waist. I tightened my grip around his neck, pulling myself closer into his embrace. It wasn’t for fear of the question but fear that I would run away from it. Hyukjae deserved the answers to the questions he had been kind enough not to ask until now and I would give him those answers no matter how much it scared me.
I opened my mouth to answer but no words came out. I could barely breathe. I was afraid that if I told Hyukjae about my past he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I know that he says he loves me and that he would never leave me but what if he found out how much I had loved Kibum? Would he still feel the same? Would he stay?
I tried again to answer his question but my voice was trapped in my throat. I snuggled deeper into Hyukjae’s neck, breathing in his sent and it sent a wave of calm through my body. I opened my mouth again but only hot air came out.
We sat there in silence. Me trying to find the words that were lost in my body somewhere, and him offering me comfort as he waited patiently for me to speak.
As we sat there I became blatantly aware I was not wearing a shirt.
All of a sudden I felt too hot, too cold, too vulnerable. So I pushed out of Hyukjae’s arms and climbed off the bed. I found my shirt lying on the floor so I picked it up and quickly put it on.
I had my back towards Hyukjae; there was nothing I could do to calm my heart. I was nervous but I still had to answer so I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes.
“A lot…he hurt me a lot” I breathed out, I wasn’t even sure it was audible.
Hyukjae’s P.O.V.
Donghae had pushed away from my embrace so quickly I didn’t have time to react. He was off the bed in seconds quickly pulling his shirt over his head.
He had his back towards me but I could see that he was wrapping his arms around his chest and he was shivering slightly like he was cold.
I wanted to get up and comfort him but I knew he needed his space, knew he needed a minute to breathe.
Then I heard it, it was soft and if the room wasn’t completely silent I would have missed it.
“A lot…he hurt me a lot” he said, his voice almost unrecognizable.
I was standing behind him before my mind could even register my movements. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling his back close to my chest needing to feel him against me, needing to feel his warmth.
“Its okay” I said, what else was there to say?
He moved his hands up to touch my arms leaning his head against my shoulder. He did not say anything.
We just stood there for countless minutes. Doing nothing. Saying nothing. Until Donghae breaks the silence
“Come with me” he says
“Where?” I ask
“I’ll tell you our story…but…not in here” he says turning to face me.
“Then where?” I ask. I didn’t want to force him to tell me but I really wanted to know.
“My room” he says taking my hand and leading me out of Kibum’s room.
We walk slowly, hands held so loosely that the slightest nudge could break it. I forced myself not to tighten the hold; if Donghae wanted to run away I would let him.
Donghae’s P.O.V.
I was walking slow, trying to delay the talk as long as possible. My hand was loose in Hyukjae’s, fingers barely curved. You probably couldn’t even call it hand holding, it was more like hands touching. I wondered why Hyukjae wasn’t trying to tighten the hold. Was he also afraid of what was to come?
I look down at our barely linked hands. If there was anything I wanted more in this world it was for Hyukjae to tighten his hold, to pull me to my room quicker, to force me to tell him the story. But he didn’t, it was like he was giving me the chance to run away, the chance to back out, it was like he…like he didn’t care at all.
That thought scared me more than the thought of having to tell Hyukjae about Kibum and me. Did he care? I looked up at his face. He wasn’t showing any emotion, just blankly staring ahead as I led him forward. I bit my lip and thought about how I wished I could read his mind-if only for a minute-so I could know what he was thinking.
I let my fingers curl around his hand a little more-testing his reaction. ‘Just tighten your hold’ I thought ‘just tighten your hold and I’ll know you care’
Hyukjae’s P.O.V.
I felt Donghae’s gaze on me before I felt his finger tighten around mine. I looked at him and when his eyes locked with mine I could see him pleading for something. Some internal question he was holding in that he would never voice out, a question he wanted me to answer.
I tightened my hold and smiled at him. It was a small reassuring smile and then I turned my head back to the front hoping it was the answer he wanted.
I felt reassured that I had given him what he wanted because even though I wasn’t looking at him I knew he was smiling and he had picked up his pace.
Before I knew it we were standing in front of his bedroom door. He turned the knob slowly after letting go of my hand. The door opened in slow motion, like trying to take up more time and my heart started to feel a little uneasy. Did I really want to know about Donghae’s past? Did I really want to know about his first love? The love that made him so skeptical of everything I did. I’m no stranger to heartbreak but it seems Kibum hurt Donghae more than Junsu and I used to hurt each other.
I get pulled from my thoughts when Donghae turns to face me, pulling me from my reverie.
“Come on” he says extending his hand for me to take.
I reach forward and take his hand, letting him pull me into the room. Once inside his room he lets go of my hand and shuts the door. He then turns around scanning the room.
“The bed” he says breaking the silence and some of the tension that filled the room.
“What?” I ask unsure of what was going on.
He just smiles and grabs my hand pulling me to the bed. He lets go of my hand when we reach the bed.
“It will be easier if I don’t have to face you” he admits, honesty laced in his voice and he crawls onto the bed and lays down patting the spot next to him.
“Come on” he says with a smile “I won’t jump you” and I smile as a reply before I climb into bed on the opposite side of Donghae.
We lay there side by side for a minute before Donghae starts to talk
“We met when we were six…”
Donghae’s P.O.V.
“We met when we where six…he moved in next door”
*****Flashback*****
“Mommy who’s that?” I ask walking home from my first day at school.
“Hae it’s not nice to point” my Mother scolds me; I’m only six so I forget the proper politeness etiquette.
“Sorry” I say “but…who is that?” I ask again pointing at a kid standing in the lawn of the house next to mine.
She sighs and then says “I don’t know baby he’s probably the new neighbors kid”
“REALLY?” I scream causing said boy and everyone in the vicinity to look at me.
“Hae how many times have I told you not to be so loud?” she scolds
“Sorry” I say with my best puppy eyes and she instantly smiles
“It’s okay just remember for next time”
“Okay” I say “now can I go play with my new best friend?”
“Who’s your new best friend?” My mother asks
“Him” I say pointing at the boy who was still staring at me
“Uhh Hae you’ve never met him before” she says trying to calm me down but it was no use, once I wanted something It’d usually be mine by the end of the day.
“Doesn’t matter” I said running towards my new best friend.
“Hello” I said as soon as I was standing in front of the boy “you’re my new best friend” and then I hugged him as tight as I could.
“Hae” my mother scolded again. I reluctantly pulled away and turned to face her
“What?” I asked not understanding why she was mad.
“You can’t just run up to strangers and hug them” she said to me and then turned to another woman who was standing beside her “I’m so sorry. My son can be a bit much”
“It’s okay my son is just shy. I think it’s cute he made a friend so fast…” they continued to talk but I couldn’t care less about their conversation when my best friend was next to me.
“What’s your name?” I asked turning back to the boy with the dark hair and even darker eyes “My name is Donghae. Lee Donghae. Don’t forget it. We are going to be best friends forever. I can tell because my heart beat really fast when I first saw you. See…” I said grabbing his hand and placing it on my chest “feel that? That means we’re going to be together forever”
“Awwww how cute” the woman I don’t know said but as soon as she said it the boy ran into his house.
“Hey. Wait. DON’T RUN AWAY FROM ME!” I yelled at his retreating back. I turned around with a pout. “My best friend just ran away and he didn’t even tell me his name” I said to the two women standing there looking at me.
“His name is Kim Kibum and he is going to be in your class so take good care of him okay” the woman who I assumed was Kibum’s mother said to me. I smiled up at her, my most genuine smile
“Don’t worry I’ll love him forever”
*****End of Flashback*****
“He ran away from me from the very beginning” I said with a chuckle staring up at the ceiling. I took a breath before I continued, closing my eyes before I spoke “he always ran away but he always came back…”
*****Flashback*****
“Why do you always runaway?” I finally asked when we’re 10 and like always I was met by silence.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it” I replied answering his unspoken statement “but just tell me anyways. You know you can trust me”
He just sighed. He has always been mature for his age; he was more mature than both our mothers. But he was also pained by something, I could always sense it but he never told me what it was although I did have my theories.
“Is it because of your dad?” I asked. It was a touchy subject. His dad abandoned his mother and him to run off to America and start a new family. I remember he cried the day he told me this. I feel hopeless when he’s suffering, I wish we could switch hearts so I could bare his pain and he could be happy.
He was silent for a minute before he spoke “Just leave it alone” and then he took off, leaving me behind with a broken heart. When he hurt I hurt. But I knew it would be okay. Tomorrow he would return and apologize, he always did.
*****End of Flashback*****
“I think I always loved him. From the first time I saw him at six years old…but I didn’t realize those feeling until I was 14” I admitted. I had never said that before but it felt oddly right “I…he helped me when…when I only felt pain…he pulled me out of the darkness…” I said with tears stinging my eyes.
*****Flashback*****
“H-h-h-he’s g-g-g-gone” I cried. I haven’t been able to breathe properly since he died. He was my best friend, my mentor, my father. Without him the world was dark, empty, it was too hard to continue. I haven’t got out of bed in days and I can’t even remember the last time I ate. My vision was blurred around the edges and I was tired but I couldn’t go to sleep because every time I closed my eyes I would see it. My father’s body pale and fragile hooked up to all those machines and I shuddered at the thought.
“I know” a voice said it sounded so far away, so unreachable. I was in the darkness all alone with only my tears to accompany me; the world had ceased to exist.
I sat there for minutes or days-time had no meaning anymore-unaware of any presence in my room. Until I felt a hand on my shoulder and I could see the tiny cracks of light trying to burst trough. Then I felt the hand move to my cheek and the light got more intense. I wasn’t alone. Maybe there was hope.
“It will be okay” the voice said and I believed it. I let the person wrap me in his arms and hold me tight. I needed him. I needed his comfort. “I won’t leave you” it was Kibum and for the first time in days I felt a tiny bit of happiness.
Tomorrow would be just as hard but Kibum never left. He stayed and I fell in love with him.
*****End of Flashback*****
I felt the tears fall from my eyes as I talked about my father. Even though he died 3 years ago I still had tears for him. I felt the tightening in my chest; I didn’t think I’d be able to continue if it wasn’t for Hyukjae. He grabbed my hand and held it. I turned to look at him but he wasn’t looking at me, he was staring up at the ceiling and I was thankful. If I had to look into his eyes I’m not sure I could have continued.
I turned away from Hyukjae looking back up at the ceiling “It took awhile but eventually things got better…”
*****Flashback*****
“I have a surprise for you” Kibum said and I just halfheartedly smiled I haven’t really said much since my dad died but Kibum didn’t care. He never made me want to fake my emotions for him-like I did for my mother-with him I could be myself. If I wanted to hurt he let me hurt. If I wanted to scream he let me scream. If I wanted silence he wouldn’t even move. He was everything I needed in my life, everything I could ever want.
“Come on” he said taking my hand. He led me to an enclosed field, it was surrounded by trees. We lay down by one on the trees and looked up at the sky, watching as the clouds shifted as the wind blew. I felt safe in that field, it was like a second home and a tiny-yet genuine-smile graced my face.
*****End of Flashback*****
“Kibum must have noticed because he brought me back to that field every day until I my smile returned for real”
“Is that why you like fields?” Hyukjae asked, and it scared me because he had been so silent during the story that I was a little taken aback “because they remind you of Kibum?”
I had to think for a minute. I had never put that together. Did fields remind me of Kibum? I closed my eyes and thought of all the fields I had been to and I found my answer
“No... I like fields because…it feels like I’m close to heaven…I don’t know how to explain it. They just feel like home” I tried to get him to understand but it was impossible. A field to me was like… safety.
“They make you feel safe” Hyukjae said and I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Yeah. They do” I admitted, happy that at least he understood. And then the silence filled to room again, I needed to continue.
“I confessed to him all the time” I said with a smile “but he never accepted it as genuine. I beat him with a stick one time when he said I was too stupid to know what love was” I laughed remembering running around chasing him with a stick.
“He made me wait forever before he confessed” I said with a pout “I cried because I thought something was wrong…but then he said he loved me and kissed me…and we were so happy. I thought it was true love…you know fairytale ‘we’ll be together forever’ type love…but then…his mom got sick…and it got hard…it reminded me of my father…but it was worse for him…he didn’t have anyone else…she was his only family…and when she…when she died he was alone…and not even our love could fix that. I was so confused…I couldn’t help him. He didn’t want my help. He just…he retreated from the world…from me…I couldn’t bring him back. He brought me back but I…” my voice broke and I couldn’t hold in my tears. The insecurity I felt back then came rushing back, the helplessness, the fear it was all still there.
I felt Hyukjae squeeze my hand. It was comforting, to an extent. But the feelings were still there. It was only a year ago.
“His dad found out” I continued “and he said he wanted Kibum to go to America…Kibum was so conflicted…he hated his father for abandoning him and his mom…but it was his dad…his only family…he cried, he…punched the wall. Broke things…it was bad…I couldn’t help him. I just…I had to watch as his whole world came crashing down on him…” I didn’t want to continue but I knew I had to. I had started this story so I needed to finish it. I took a deep breath and continued
“I didn’t see him for a few days…he wasn’t anywhere…he just left…I was used to him running away, he always came back. But…I mean it was days…no one had seen or heard from him. Well no one but me and my mom were looking for him…no one cared…he didn’t have anyone…except me…and my mom…but I guess it wasn’t enough…” my tears were coming so hard. Hyukjae pulled me into a hug; my back was pressed against his chest.
“You don’t have to continue” he said but it was too late. I wanted him to know. I wanted to get it out there so Hyukjae could be the only one in my heart.
“No it’s okay” I said after a minute “Just don’t let go” with Hyukjae holding me I felt like I could do anything.
“I won’t” he said
“He came back a week later…and I was so…to many emotions. I was happy and sad…scared. It was a confusing time…but then he said…he…he made his choice…”
*****Flashback*****
“I’m leaving” Kibum says, there is no emotion in his voice, no emotion on his face and my heart breaks. Didn’t he love me?
“Why?” I whisper in a small voice, my world was dying and even if I wanted to scream I didn’t have the strength.
“I just have to” he says in a monotone. How could he do this to me? To us?
“Why?” I couldn’t say anything else
“It’s just something I have to do” he says still hiding all emotion. Didn’t I mean anything to him?
“W...hy?” I barely have the strength to ask.
There is silence and I can’t hold my tears any longer. I try to stop, try to hold it together until he leaves but I know it’s impossible.
“Hae…” he says, finally showing the emotions I knew he was bottling up inside. I need to be strong for him. I couldn’t be selfish. He needed to be with the only family he had left. It wasn’t my place to make him stay.
I take my remaining strength and get myself to stop crying and put a smile on my face “It’s o…okay…I…I’ll b…be…f...fine” I fake through ragged breath. Why am I so bad at this? I need him to feel no regret about leaving. I couldn’t have that on my conscience.
“Hae…” he says again, tears now falling from his eyes.
“Don’t” I say. It will only hurt more when you leave “P…please”
You walk over to me and kiss my lips; it’s desperate and needy, not like any kisses we’ve shared before.
Even though I know I shouldn’t, even though I know it will hurt more I kiss you back with the same amount of desperation.
I know where this is leading; I was going to give myself completely to you.
*****End of Flashback*****
“I did it because I was scared…because deep down I think I knew…I knew he wasn’t coming back…and I just…I wanted…I don’t know. A piece of him or for him to remember me…a reason to come back to me or something…he always came back…and I waited…but I knew…and it got bad…and I wasn’t getting better…and my mom was scared…and I knew he wasn’t coming back…and I had to let it go…for her…for me” I cried as I remembered my mom sitting on my bed trying to get me out of it, trying to get me to eat. I had put her through a lot. I could feel Hyukjae holding me tighter and I smiled.
“It got better…and then one day I didn’t think about him at all. And I could smile and I could laugh…a couple of months later my mom got a job in a new town and I told her we should go…because even though it was better everything reminded me of Kibum. I just wanted to forget about Kibum…and I did…I didn’t think about him at all…and then I found you…and you…you made me feel things I never felt with Kibum…and then he came back…and I hate myself. Because I’m happy with you…happier than I ever was with him…but he brought back those emotions. And I try to bury them but they keep coming up…and I feel weak…and scared…and I just assume you’re going to leave me…because I’m me and…people always leave…” I let my words die because if I kept talking I knew I would start thinking, thinking about Hyukjae leaving.
“I won’t leave you Donghae…I love you too much” Hyukjae says pulling me away from those scary thoughts.
“You say that now… but you can’t know that” I admit sadly
“I know…because I never felt such a pull towards someone before. I loved you before I even met you” he says and I laugh.
“That’s impossible” I say feeling a little bit better. Hyukjae turns me around and I can see the tears in his eyes so I wipe them away.
“It’s not impossible” he says with a knowing smile “and I will never leave you. I’d rather die first” and then he kisses me on the forehead.
I feel myself getting tired and I snuggle closer into Hyukjae’s embrace.
“Sleep” he says “I won’t leave”
I do just that. I let myself drift away to the sound of Hyukjae’s strong heart and consistent breath. Before I know it I’m lost in slumber.
Hyukjae’s P.O.V.
I felt it when Donghae fell asleep. His breath evened out and his grip around me loosed a little, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Donghae had loved Kibum a lot, and Kibum had caused a lot of issues for Donghae. Issues Donghae was too young to be able to handle. Issues he was probably too young to even realize he had and I vowed to myself that I would help him overcome those issues. I just hoped Kibum wouldn’t add to those issues before I could fix Donghae.
I feel asleep cradling Donghae in my arms.
****
sorry this took so long to post. my first draft of this got erased :( so i hope this turned out okay.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday :D