Finding You Chapter 40

[xlr8myheart]

Title: Finding You
Chapters: 40/?
Pairing: HyukHae, Past!Kihae
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, only the weird plot.
Rating: PG-13
Summary:  Visit to the Hospital

Note: This is written from Kibum’s and Donghae’s point of view.


Kibum’s P.O.V.

“Thank you” Donghae said before he entered his room. I turned around to look at the closed door, after a minute of standing in the hall I sighed and started to walk to my room.

Donghae was a very emotional person; he felt every emotion to the extent that it physically affected him. I’ve seen it too many times before and Donghae was showing all the signs of giving up.

Opening the door to my room I walked in and lay on the bed. I knew Donghae; I knew when he was closing himself off from reality. He feels things too strongly and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to hurt himself. When Donghae’s father died, Donghae refused to eat for days; he locked himself in his room and refused to go on with his life. It took awhile but eventually I was able to break through to him, but even now I can still see how his father’s death affected him.

The second time-when my mother died-he was a little better, probably because he was trying to be strong for me. Even though he was putting on a good act I could still see how her death reminded him of his father.

I can’t even think about how Donghae was when I left, having to deal with my mother’s death and me leaving all on his own.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but every time I would start to drift off my mind would flash images of Donghae in the Hospital. It was different then it was before, Donghae had given up before he even knew how Hyukjae was doing.

All I could think about was the look on Donghae’s face; if Hyukjae died I don’t think Donghae would be able to get over it.

It was going to be a long night.

***

My night was pretty restless, every time I was almost asleep, I would think about Donghae and how he was feeling. At 4 A.M. I gave up trying to fall asleep all together and walked over to Donghae’s room. I slid down his door and sat in the dark, closing my eyes and listening to the silence.

I must have fallen asleep because the next time I opened my eyes it was 5:30 so I decided to get up and make breakfast, unsure if Donghae would even eat.

I walked downstairs and went into the kitchen “What should I make?” I asked no one. I wanted to make something that was easy to eat; I looked in the fridge and decided to make soup. I took out all the ingredients and started to make the soup.

Half an hour later the soup was finished. It was 6 o’clock and I was starting to wonder why Donghae had yet to wake up. I placed some soup in a bowl and decided to give it to him in bed.

I walked up the stairs, carefully holding a tray with Donghae’s soup and a glass of water on it. When I reached Donghae’s door I knocked softly waiting for him to answer.

After a minute of standing there and still no answer I opened his door.

Donghae was curled up in his blankets, and I would have found it very cute if it wasn’t for the fact that he was moaning out in pain.

I rushed over towards him and placed the tray on his nightstand. I moved my hand to his forehead, he was running a fever.

“Hae?” I called and I got a moan in reply “Hae, I think you’re sick” I said and he curled into a ball more.

I pushed away the sweaty hair that stuck to his forehead “I’m going to get you some medicine” I said before I stood up and went to fetch the medicine.

When I returned Donghae had buried himself in his comforter. I pulled away the blanket; trying to find his head so I could feed him his medicine “Donghae you need to take medicine” I said when he tried to burry himself again.

I continued trying to feed Donghae his medicine but he was being stubborn, he always was when he was sick. He needed to take his medicine, he was running a fever and he was in pain.

Eventually I forced the pills into Donghae’s mouth, then I handed him the glass of water that was on the nightstand. When he had finished swallowing the pills he looked up at me with glassy clouded eyes

“Hyukjae?” he asked and my heart clenched in pain, I couldn’t answer him so I just shook my head.

He lay back down, staring up at the ceiling as the tears started to fall from his eyes.

“S-sorry” he mumbled after some time and all I could do to answer was nod my head.

“You need to eat” I said as he continued to stare at the ceiling, he was showing no sign that he even registered my presence anymore.

“Hae” I said when he made no attempt to answer me

I grabbed one of Donghae’s hands and gently pulled him into a sitting position. He didn’t fight me; he only sat there silently staring at the wall in front of him.

I picked up the bowl of soup and moved the spoon up to Donghae’s mouth. He didn’t open his mouth so I pushed the spoon in myself.

I continued to feed him, although he made no attempt to help me. When the soup was halfway gone he refused to even allow me to force the spoon in, so I decided he had eaten enough. When I put the bowl down that is when Donghae finally decided to speak.

“Hospital?” he said, I knew what he was asking but it was impossible, we both knew that.

“They don’t allow sick people to go into the rooms of patients that have just come out of surgery” I said, remembering the words the Doctors told Donghae when he had gotten sick and they refused to let him in to see his dying father.

“I know” Donghae said, the tears streaming down his cheek. We sat there in silence; I couldn’t look at Donghae crying so I stared at my hands instead. I didn’t even notice that Donghae was looking at me until he spoke

“You have to go” he said and my head shot up as I looked at him in disbelieve. He wanted me to go? To go to the hospital without him?

“Please” he begged when he could see the hesitation in my eyes.

“Okay” I said and he smiled as the tears continued to fall down his face “I have to go get ready” I said before I stood up “You have to rest so you can get better” I said before I exited his room.

After I closed his door I let out a sigh, what had I gotten myself into?

Donghae’s P.O.V.

I know it was wrong, I know it was selfish. But I had to ask him, I needed some connection to Hyukjae, I needed Hyukjae to know that I wanted to come but couldn’t.

I could see the hesitation and the hurt in Kibum’s eyes, but I had to push that aside, I would feel bad about it later when Kibum left. I knew he would agree, and I selfishly exploited that fact. I needed to know how Hyukjae was; I needed to know so badly that I was willing to hurt someone I love to find out.

I was a bad person, but that didn’t matter right now, all that mattered was Hyukjae.

I closed my eyes and lay down, my head was throbbing and the tears weren’t helping any. It felt like the room was spinning, I felt like I was going to throw up but it didn’t matter, all that mattered was Hyukjae.

Kibum’s P.O.V.

I had finished getting ready and was standing in front of Donghae’s door. I needed to tell him I was going to the hospital but I couldn’t bring myself to knock on the door.

Could I really do what Donghae was asking me to do? Could I really show up to the hospital without him?

I sighed as I weighed the pros and cons of going to the hospital without Donghae. Everyone would know that I was the ex-boyfriend, but even the awkwardness of that wouldn’t outweigh the sadness Donghae would feel if I didn’t go.

I made up my mind; I would go to see Hyukjae. Even though I had no right to go, I would go for Donghae.

I knocked on the door and then opened it. Donghae was lying in the center of his bed, curled up into a little ball. I walked to his bed and placed my hand on his shoulder and he stirred awake.

“I’m leaving now” I said to him and he gave me a teary eyed smile

“Thank you” he whispered and I nodded my head

“Do…do you want me to tell him anything?” I hesitantly asked, I knew what he would want me to say and even though it would hurt me I would say it if he asked me to.

“I…I…I c-cant ask you to s-say that” he said sadly

“Just ask me and I’ll do it” I told him honestly, I knew he really wanted me to say it

“Can you tell him that I…that I l-love him” he said quietly

“Yes” I said with a smile “I’ll tell him”

“Thank you” he said as the tears fell down his face, I genteelly whipped them away

“I have to go” I said before I stood up and walked towards the door.

“Thank you” I heard Donghae whisper right before I shut the door.

When I closed the door I leaned on it, needing to catch my breath, my chest felt tight and my heart was beating painfully fast.

“You can do this” I told myself before I pushed myself off the door and down the stairs.

The hospital was too far away for me to walk and still make it to school; I had to drive, so I picked up my keys and headed to my car.

“You can do this” I said as I started the engine.

The drive to the hospital felt too short, I remember it seeming a lot longer last night.

When I parked my car and turned off the engine I couldn’t get out.

“You can do this” I said but I still couldn’t move

“You have to do this” I told myself “You have to do this for Donghae” and as if that was the magic words I finally felt like I could move again.

As I made my way towards the hospital I started to regret my decision of getting out of the car. I’m not good with words, or groups of people, and what I was about to do dealt with both.

I sighed when I reached the hospital door; it was too late to make a run for it.

I entered the Hospital and made my way towards the waiting room, which is where we had agreed to meet. Everyone was already there and I felt guilty for making them wait for me.

I bowed when I entered “Where’s Donghae?” asked the man who had found Donghae yesterday.

“He’s sick” I answered

“I knew I should have made him come inside when I found him” The man pouted

“It’s not your fault” I offered “Donghae is old enough to know not to be so stupid….” I said but started to trail off when I realized how harsh my words were. I wasn’t angry at Donghae; I just really didn’t want to be here “Sorry” I apologized

“It’s okay” the man said with a smile “Umm…did you want to see Hyukjae? Or did you just come to tell us Donghae was sick?” the man asked.

“I…Uhh…Donghae wanted me to tell him something…so I guess I came to see him” I stuttered though my words.

“Do you want me to tell him?” Ryeowook asked and I was grateful for the gesture

“I think I should do it…it’s…it should be me” I said, why was it so hard to talk?

Ryeowook just nodded his head in acceptance of my words.

“They only let two people in at a time” Yesung informed “I think we should let Wookie and Kibum go first since they are still in High School”

Everyone agreed and then Ryeowook and I made our way towards Hyukjae’s room.

When we were standing in front of the door I noticed Ryeowook’s hesitation to enter.

“Are you okay?” I asked

“I…I don’t think I can do this” Ryeowook said as his tears started to fall from his eyes

I just stared at him for a second, how could I help comfort him? I barely knew him.

“He…” I started but trailed off when he turned to me “I know it’s hard” I said instead “but you’ll feel worse if you don’t go in”

Ryeowook’s tears continued to fall as he nodded his head in agreement with my words

“But how do I do it?” he was pleading with me, trying to get me to give him the answers that I didn’t posses.

“It’s hard” I said, trying to choose my words carefully “when someone you love is…hurt…you just have to be stronger than your fear, because it might be the last time you get to see them” I said, I hated talking about these things. It only reminded me of the past; back when Donghae’s father and my mother died.

“I’m afraid” Ryeowook admitted and I just looked at him

“I know” I said as I took his hand. He looked down at our linked hands for a minute before he started to talk

“Thank you” He said and I nodded my head in acknowledgement of his words

“We should go in” I said when I noticed Ryeowook wasn’t making a move

“I know” He admitted “But I can’t move”

“I won’t leave you” I offered with a kind smile and Ryeowook just looked at me with a shocked expression.

We stood in the hall for another minute before he gave my hand a squeeze and I knew he was asking me to drag him into the room. So I complied with his wish as I tightened my hold on his hand and opened the door to Hyukjae’s room.

I had to pull him along, because true to his word he wasn’t moving. Once we were inside we could see a bed in the center of the room, there were multiple machines around the bed and there was a steady hum and beep coming from some of them.

As we walked closer Hyukjae came into view.

The sight was enough to make my heart stop beating and I felt Ryeowook tense beside me.

I squeezed his hand trying to comfort him, but it really looked bad. I had to thank god Donghae wasn’t here, there’s no way he would be able to handle this.

Hyukjae had tubes running in his nose and mouth, tubes to help him breathe. He had a neck brace on and half his face was covered by bandages. His left arm was broken and bandaged all the way up his arm. His left leg-which I assume was the one he nearly lost-was wrapped in bandage with pins sticking out the side. There were scrapes all over his body and from the shaky way his chest was moving, I would say he wasn’t breathing on his own.

Even I, who had no relationship to Hyukjae, felt the tears trying to fall from my eyes. I had to compose myself but the sight in front of me was making it very hard. I needed to be strong for Ryeowook.

I looked over at him, he was shaking and looked on the verge of passing out. I boldly stepped towards him and wrapped my arms around him, bringing him into a hug.

What could I say? “It will be okay” just didn’t seem like the words to use, seeing as Hyukjae looked far from okay.

“He’s still alive” I said instead, it was stupid but I couldn’t come up with anything else.

I held Ryeowook in my embrace for 5 minutes; it took that long for him to calm down enough to pull away from the hug.

“Thank you” he mumbled when he was no longer in my arms. I just nodded my head as a reply.

Ryeowook turned to face Hyukjae and was silent for a minute before he spoke

“What do I say?” He asked me

“I don’t know” I answered honestly “Just say what’s in your heart”

Ryeowook went silent as he thought about my words

“But all that’s in my heart is pain, and anger and sadness” he said turning to me as if I could somehow change this situation.

“Then tell him that” I said “It’s okay to be angry with him” I told him honestly “I was angry at my mom when she died”

“I-I’m s-sorry” He stuttered and I smiled weakly at him

“You can’t change how you feel…you can only be there for them” I said and Ryeowook nodded his head with tears still streaming down his face.

He turned his attention back towards Hyukjae

“I’m scared” he admitted

“I know” I said “I’ll give you some privacy”

“NO” Ryeowook yelled slightly “Don’t leave me” he said while grabbing onto the sleeve of my shirt

“I wasn’t going to leave” I said with a smile “I was only going to give you some space so you could speak your heart”

Ryeowook nodded shyly and released my sleeve

“Sorry” he mumbled and I sent him a smile before I went to sit in the chair by the window. I needed to give him his privacy.

I tried my hardest not to stare at Ryeowook as he talked to his cousin but I kept stealing glances their way. It was a hard scene to watch, as Ryeowook kept bringing his hand up to Hyukjae’s but then pulling away before he touched him. He was probably afraid of hurting the older man more.

I had to turn my head away from the scene when Ryeowook started talking, the way his tears flowed out his eyes and the way he desperately wanted the situation to change was too familiar to me. It was bringing up memories from when Donghae’s father and my mother died.

I stared out the window and thought about Donghae. How was he going to handle this?

I must have been lost in my musings because I jumped slightly when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and was met by the teary face of my classmate.

“I-It’s your t-turn” He said and I nodded. I looked around Ryeowook to look at Hyukjae. How was I going to do this? How was I going to say those words to Hyukjae?

“You can do it” Ryeowook said making me look up at him “Just say what’s in your heart” he offered me a smile and I nodded.

I took a deep breath before I stood up from the chair and walked over to Hyukjae’s bed.

When I got there I was at a loss for words, so I looked back and saw Ryeowook give me a reassuring smile. You can do this; I thought when I turned back around to face Hyukjae.

“Hello” I started but I felt stupid the moment the word left my mouth.

“I don’t know if you remember me…or even if you can hear me, but…I just wanted to tell you that Donghae…That Donghae needs you” I Said as the tears welled in my eyes “I’ve never seen him so…so in love before” I spoke and the words stung just as much, if not more than the tears that were falling from my eyes “He loves you” I continued “he loves you more than he ever loved me…I can see it…the way he looks at you…it’s something he’s never done with me” I whipped the tears off my cheeks before I continued to speak

“I know that I have no right to ask you this…but…you have to wake up…not for yourself, but for Donghae. I just don’t think he’ll survive if you die. If you love him even a fraction of how much he loves you, you’ll fight to wake up…I know you can do it” I said as I brought my hand up to touch his “Donghae wanted to be here” I said “but…he got sick…sitting out in the rain like an idiot…because he thinks the rain means someone is going to die” I stopped talking when I realized how harsh my words were starting to sound “I’m sorry” I apologized

“It’s just…that kid is really innocent…he just…he’s just a very emotional person and if you don’t wake up I’m afraid of what he will do to himself” I had to stop talking because a lump was forming in my throat. What would Donghae do to himself?

“He wanted me to tell you something” I said after a minute of silence “he…Donghae he wanted me to tell you…” it was hard to speak, it felt like the room was getting smaller, that the oxygen in the room was disappearing “Donghae he said to tell you that he l…that he lo-love’s you” once the words left my mouth my tears started to fall more freely. I tried to wipe them away but they were falling to fast for me to keep up.

Ryeowook walked over to me and embraced me in a back hug; I let him pull me close to his chest as I whipped the tears away.

“That was really brave of you” he said “you’re a very good person”

I just nodded my head because my voice was lost.

After a few minutes I had finally calmed down.

“Are you ready to leave?” I asked when I regained my composure and he nodded his head

He took my hand as we started to walk away from Hyukjae’s bed, looking back right as we reached the door

“Everything feels so different now” Ryeowook admitted as he stared at Hyukjae’s body lying on the hospital bed.

“I know” I said and he turned to look at me, gave my hand a squeeze and I opened the door as we walked back out.

We walked back to the waiting room with our hands still linked. When we got there everyone stood up to greet us but didn’t say anything when they noticed our solemn faces.

Ryeowook gave my hand a squeeze before he released it and ran towards Yesung. Yesung instantly wrapped his arms around the younger boy when they touched.

I looked at the scene for a second before I spoke

“I have to go check on Donghae before I go to school” I said and everyone looked at me, I felt like I was under a microscope with everyone’s gaze on me. And then my eyes landed on a kid who probably wasn’t that much older than me. When my eyes locked with his I instantly felt a rush of calmness flow through my body. I remembered his face from last night; he was the boy who came with Junsu and Yoochun.

“Maybe Wookie should go with you” Yesung said and I turned to look at him, losing the feeling of calm.

I just stared at him and he continued to talk “You both go to the same school, and I don’t want him to miss anymore school”

I nodded my head in agreement. Ryeowook said his goodbyes and then we both started to walk towards the exit. My eyes landing on the man that made me feel calm, he smiled at me but I didn’t return it I just continued walking completely ignoring the hammering in my heart.

“Do you want me to drop you off at school first, or do you want to come with me to check on Donghae?” I asked Ryeowook when we were sitting in my car.

“If you don’t mind, I would like to come with you to see Donghae” he said and I nodded my head as I started the engine and drove off in the direction of Donghae.

When I pulled into the driveway of Donghae’s house I turned off the engine and smiled when both Ryeowook and I sighed at the same time.

“Ready?” I asked

“No” Ryeowook admitted “but maybe he’ll be so knocked out from sickness he won’t ask about Hyukjae” I nodded in agreement, Donghae would certainly ask about Hyukjae’s condition but how were we suppose to answer that?

With another simultaneous sigh and shared smiles we exited the car. We walked up to the front door and I unlocked it before we stepped inside.

We walked up toward Donghae’s bedroom and I knocked on the door when we arrived. Not receiving an answer, I opened the door and we stepped inside.

Donghae was asleep and we both released a sigh of relief. I refilled his glass of water and lay some medicine and a note saying to take the pills when he woke up.

We left the house after Ryeowook asked if we could come back and check on him at lunch time, I agreed and we made our way towards the school.

It was a short drive and when I pulled up to the school, it didn’t have the same feeling it used to.

“This is weird” Ryeowook admitted and I agreed

“Well we better get this over with” I said before I exited the car, Ryeowook fallowing suit.

We walked into the school and then into the office where we explained our situation and were given a slip that said it was okay for being late and for leaving during lunch time.

Class was boring and long, all I wanted was for the lunch bell to ring so we could go check on Donghae.

Just a few more hours to wait, I looked out the window but quickly looked away when the image of the man from the hospital flashed in my mind.

I shook my head and started to pay attention to the teacher, in a few hours I could go check on Donghae.

I am so so so sorry this took so long to write, I was having writer’s block and I just couldn’t find the right words. If this sucks please forgive me because I forced myself to write it, so it might seem rushed and uninteresting. But I promise the next chapter will be better, maybe XD thank you for being so patient with me <3