Chapter Two, "My Life is Over Now"
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World
Chapter 2, "My Life is Over Now"
Xlormp was not in school the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that, Or the next day. Or the day immediately following that. Nor was he there the next day. My heart felt sad and like it might cry. I wanted to throw a chicken against a wall or something, that seemed like the type of thing to do when one was angry about something.
I mean, how unfair of life was this? To dangle such a perfect being, with luscious green suckers protruding from his head instead of ears, a creature so wonderful even the planet earth could not create him, and then snap him away from me like that?
At school, my stomach was constantly all clenched up. It felt like something heavy had heavily lodged itself into my stomach and made it feel heavy. Steve and Hector were very nice, walking me to classes, bringing me sweet cards saying they loved me, baking me pies and growing flowers in the school yard in the shape of my head, but all I could think about was Xlormp.
Since I couldn't see him or be with him, I chose to annoy everyone around me by asking questions about him.
"Tell me about Xlormp," I asked Lexington one day.
"No," she said. What a freaking jerk, I thought. I think I'll hate her more than the rest of these people.
"Tell me about Xlormp," I said, turning to Tabitha.
"Well, he's from outer space." Tabitha was already cooler than Lexington.
"I know that already," I said quietly. "What else do you know?"
"He's...not from this planet?" Jessica butted in.
"I heard he was adopted," Christopher mentioned.
"Adopted?" I inquired. "By who?"
"By the Winston family," Christopher intoned.
"Hmm...Xlormp Winston..." I rolled the name over my tongue a few times, trying it out. Then, without realizing it, I said, "Frig Winston..."
"Frig!" Jessica cried alarmingly. "I just noticed...you LIKE him!"
I snarked abashedly. "I do not!"
"Yes you do!" Jessica got up and danced stupidly around the table, wagging her fingers in a goofy way. "You like Xlormp! You like Xlormp!"
"Yeah, well, no I don't," I defended.
There was a very awkward pause. Tabitha adjusted her name tag.
"Sooo...any idea if he'll ever come back to school?" I questioned.
"Probably he won't," Jessica announced witheringly. "I bet he went back to his home planet."
My lower lip quivered with pain and fear. "You really think so?" I asked.
"Yes," Jessica said.
I took a bite of pizza. We were eating pizza by the way, and pizza is the only food I like. It's so cheesy and triangular. All I could think was how Xlormp's feet were kind of shaped like pizza. I couldn't help it, the tears began to flow.
That day was the most horrible day ever.
Little did I know that things were about to get much, much more horrible. For some small child in a third world country. Who had no food. And lived off of flies he picked off of his brother, and would soon succumb to influenza. I had no idea it was about to get bad for him because I didn't know him. You understand.
** ** **
I was on the verge of ending it all. Xlormp had not been in school for the past twelve days and my heart could no longer bear it. I was in the middle of composing a letter to Lou about how I was in love with a man who was never coming back from outer space, and probably it was all my fault, and what's the point in living if your one true love is on another planet? I wasn't sure if Lou could read, but that's not the point. I was composing poetry, here.
However, Lou burst into my room wielding a wooden serving spoon, and thwacked it on my bedspread a few times. "Jes' tryin' to rid you of them tallybonkers!" He exclaimed jovially.
I nodded. Sometimes Lou made up enemies to battle, and sometimes those enemies lived in my blankets.
"Oh, and also, wee snausage, I jes' saw a spaceship land in the Winston's back yard, eh?"
My heart skipped a beat. "S-spaceship?"
"Avast, aye, oui." Lou struck a listening stance, arms held in front of him in a cautious manner, spoon at the ready, in case the tallybonkers took that moment to attack.
But I couldn't care less about tallybonkers at that moment. Or Lou, for that matter. Xlormp was back! My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I felt like maybe it would burst right through it and then it would be lying in front of me on the floor, all red and pulsating and it's a good thing our house was made of cardboard because I'd hate to have to clean exploded heart otherwise.
It didn't matter. I could barely wait until the next day at school!
The evening crawled by as if it were something that crawled really, really slowly. I had ripped my suicide note to shreds, since life had meaning again and I think Lou would have just used it for the fireplace anyway. Or as toilet paper.
Finally, as if time actually progressed naturally, it was the next day and time to go to school. I didn't even mind the weather today, it could have been sleeting cockroaches for all I cared, the love of my life had returned! To me! Probably because he realized how he couldn't live without me and stuff.
Steve and Hector were all up in my face as usual, showering me with rose petals everywhere I went, and punching each other in the face when they thought I wasn't looking. Boys, right?
But I didn't care. I could only think about Xlormp. Did you know I'm in love with him? Because it is the truth. "Trufax", as they would say on the Internet.
Magically and somehow, I made it through the day to my Advanced Egyptian class, where I knew I would see Xlormp and it would be awesome and heavenly and I just wanted to weep golden tears of happiness just thinking about it. Steve walked me to the class as usual, and as usual, he sat alone at the table in the back and I took my seat at what was normally an empty table except that today it wasn't because guess who was sitting at it?
If you guessed Xlormp, you are correct! I have to admit that I was nervous, sitting next to this paragon of perfection when I was but a mere human girl with nothing to offer but boring humanity. I was all but shaking, daring only to shoot the swiftest of glances. One of those glances, I noticed that Xlormp was shooting a swift glance at me, too! My heart, it all but imploded.
"Hi," Xlormp said, extending a webbed hand. "I don't think we've met. I'm Xlormp."
"I'm guhhh burrrgh..." I said eloquently, and also offered a hand.
"I'm pretty sure your name is Frig," Xlormp said with an amused chuckle.
"SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU, XLORMP!" Steve shouted from the back of the room.
I blushed a mighty blush, and Xlormp ignored Steve with a wave of his web, saying, "Oh, that wacky Steve!"
I giggled in a girly way.
"So, Frig," Xlormp said in a sexy, inhuman voice, "I hear you moved here from another town."
"That is correct!" I shouted, finding my voice again. "I moved here from another town!"
"Well, I don't mean to pry, but may I ask why?"
Wow. The alien could rhyme, too!
"I moved because my mother fractured her spleen."
Xlormp didn't respond. For a moment, I feared he might hate me with all of his being, but then, his face ruptured into a smile of beauty that radiated through my entire being and I felt like a plastic jewel in the sunshine somehow. "That makes perfect sense!" he said, patting my arm.
When he patted my arm, it felt like my arm was being patted by a cold reptile. But at the same time, it felt awesome. I wanted him to never stop patting my arm ever. But he did, and then I wanted to die inside.
There was a question erupting in me, and I wanted to ask it, but I didn't want to ask it. But I did. But I wasn't sure how. Maybe if I constructed a sentence out of the English language...yes, that was it!
"Xlormp?" I said emphatically.
"Yes?" He said too.
"What was the deal with your buggy eyes the other day?"
Suddenly out of nowhere and unexpectedly, Xlormp slapped me across the face. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Ow!" I shrieked witheringly.
"Ow?"
"You hit me!"
"I did not."
"I'm pretty sure you did."
"But I love you!"
My heart skipped a beat. "What? Really?
"Did I say 'I love you'? I meant 'pass me that textbook'."
My heart plummeted to my feet. I shuffled to get the textbook and felt like I was walking on my heart.
The bell rang, indicating the end of class, which was weird because I was pretty sure class just started, but who was I to argue with the bell?
So I gloomily marched to my car, convinced that Xlormp hated me forever. It was a crappy feeling. I considered picking up that suicide note again.
(If you missed Chapter 1 for some reason, IT IS OVER HERE!)
Chapter 2, "My Life is Over Now"
Xlormp was not in school the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that, Or the next day. Or the day immediately following that. Nor was he there the next day. My heart felt sad and like it might cry. I wanted to throw a chicken against a wall or something, that seemed like the type of thing to do when one was angry about something.
I mean, how unfair of life was this? To dangle such a perfect being, with luscious green suckers protruding from his head instead of ears, a creature so wonderful even the planet earth could not create him, and then snap him away from me like that?
At school, my stomach was constantly all clenched up. It felt like something heavy had heavily lodged itself into my stomach and made it feel heavy. Steve and Hector were very nice, walking me to classes, bringing me sweet cards saying they loved me, baking me pies and growing flowers in the school yard in the shape of my head, but all I could think about was Xlormp.
Since I couldn't see him or be with him, I chose to annoy everyone around me by asking questions about him.
"Tell me about Xlormp," I asked Lexington one day.
"No," she said. What a freaking jerk, I thought. I think I'll hate her more than the rest of these people.
"Tell me about Xlormp," I said, turning to Tabitha.
"Well, he's from outer space." Tabitha was already cooler than Lexington.
"I know that already," I said quietly. "What else do you know?"
"He's...not from this planet?" Jessica butted in.
"I heard he was adopted," Christopher mentioned.
"Adopted?" I inquired. "By who?"
"By the Winston family," Christopher intoned.
"Hmm...Xlormp Winston..." I rolled the name over my tongue a few times, trying it out. Then, without realizing it, I said, "Frig Winston..."
"Frig!" Jessica cried alarmingly. "I just noticed...you LIKE him!"
I snarked abashedly. "I do not!"
"Yes you do!" Jessica got up and danced stupidly around the table, wagging her fingers in a goofy way. "You like Xlormp! You like Xlormp!"
"Yeah, well, no I don't," I defended.
There was a very awkward pause. Tabitha adjusted her name tag.
"Sooo...any idea if he'll ever come back to school?" I questioned.
"Probably he won't," Jessica announced witheringly. "I bet he went back to his home planet."
My lower lip quivered with pain and fear. "You really think so?" I asked.
"Yes," Jessica said.
I took a bite of pizza. We were eating pizza by the way, and pizza is the only food I like. It's so cheesy and triangular. All I could think was how Xlormp's feet were kind of shaped like pizza. I couldn't help it, the tears began to flow.
That day was the most horrible day ever.
Little did I know that things were about to get much, much more horrible. For some small child in a third world country. Who had no food. And lived off of flies he picked off of his brother, and would soon succumb to influenza. I had no idea it was about to get bad for him because I didn't know him. You understand.
** ** **
I was on the verge of ending it all. Xlormp had not been in school for the past twelve days and my heart could no longer bear it. I was in the middle of composing a letter to Lou about how I was in love with a man who was never coming back from outer space, and probably it was all my fault, and what's the point in living if your one true love is on another planet? I wasn't sure if Lou could read, but that's not the point. I was composing poetry, here.
However, Lou burst into my room wielding a wooden serving spoon, and thwacked it on my bedspread a few times. "Jes' tryin' to rid you of them tallybonkers!" He exclaimed jovially.
I nodded. Sometimes Lou made up enemies to battle, and sometimes those enemies lived in my blankets.
"Oh, and also, wee snausage, I jes' saw a spaceship land in the Winston's back yard, eh?"
My heart skipped a beat. "S-spaceship?"
"Avast, aye, oui." Lou struck a listening stance, arms held in front of him in a cautious manner, spoon at the ready, in case the tallybonkers took that moment to attack.
But I couldn't care less about tallybonkers at that moment. Or Lou, for that matter. Xlormp was back! My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I felt like maybe it would burst right through it and then it would be lying in front of me on the floor, all red and pulsating and it's a good thing our house was made of cardboard because I'd hate to have to clean exploded heart otherwise.
It didn't matter. I could barely wait until the next day at school!
The evening crawled by as if it were something that crawled really, really slowly. I had ripped my suicide note to shreds, since life had meaning again and I think Lou would have just used it for the fireplace anyway. Or as toilet paper.
Finally, as if time actually progressed naturally, it was the next day and time to go to school. I didn't even mind the weather today, it could have been sleeting cockroaches for all I cared, the love of my life had returned! To me! Probably because he realized how he couldn't live without me and stuff.
Steve and Hector were all up in my face as usual, showering me with rose petals everywhere I went, and punching each other in the face when they thought I wasn't looking. Boys, right?
But I didn't care. I could only think about Xlormp. Did you know I'm in love with him? Because it is the truth. "Trufax", as they would say on the Internet.
Magically and somehow, I made it through the day to my Advanced Egyptian class, where I knew I would see Xlormp and it would be awesome and heavenly and I just wanted to weep golden tears of happiness just thinking about it. Steve walked me to the class as usual, and as usual, he sat alone at the table in the back and I took my seat at what was normally an empty table except that today it wasn't because guess who was sitting at it?
If you guessed Xlormp, you are correct! I have to admit that I was nervous, sitting next to this paragon of perfection when I was but a mere human girl with nothing to offer but boring humanity. I was all but shaking, daring only to shoot the swiftest of glances. One of those glances, I noticed that Xlormp was shooting a swift glance at me, too! My heart, it all but imploded.
"Hi," Xlormp said, extending a webbed hand. "I don't think we've met. I'm Xlormp."
"I'm guhhh burrrgh..." I said eloquently, and also offered a hand.
"I'm pretty sure your name is Frig," Xlormp said with an amused chuckle.
"SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU, XLORMP!" Steve shouted from the back of the room.
I blushed a mighty blush, and Xlormp ignored Steve with a wave of his web, saying, "Oh, that wacky Steve!"
I giggled in a girly way.
"So, Frig," Xlormp said in a sexy, inhuman voice, "I hear you moved here from another town."
"That is correct!" I shouted, finding my voice again. "I moved here from another town!"
"Well, I don't mean to pry, but may I ask why?"
Wow. The alien could rhyme, too!
"I moved because my mother fractured her spleen."
Xlormp didn't respond. For a moment, I feared he might hate me with all of his being, but then, his face ruptured into a smile of beauty that radiated through my entire being and I felt like a plastic jewel in the sunshine somehow. "That makes perfect sense!" he said, patting my arm.
When he patted my arm, it felt like my arm was being patted by a cold reptile. But at the same time, it felt awesome. I wanted him to never stop patting my arm ever. But he did, and then I wanted to die inside.
There was a question erupting in me, and I wanted to ask it, but I didn't want to ask it. But I did. But I wasn't sure how. Maybe if I constructed a sentence out of the English language...yes, that was it!
"Xlormp?" I said emphatically.
"Yes?" He said too.
"What was the deal with your buggy eyes the other day?"
Suddenly out of nowhere and unexpectedly, Xlormp slapped me across the face. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Ow!" I shrieked witheringly.
"Ow?"
"You hit me!"
"I did not."
"I'm pretty sure you did."
"But I love you!"
My heart skipped a beat. "What? Really?
"Did I say 'I love you'? I meant 'pass me that textbook'."
My heart plummeted to my feet. I shuffled to get the textbook and felt like I was walking on my heart.
The bell rang, indicating the end of class, which was weird because I was pretty sure class just started, but who was I to argue with the bell?
So I gloomily marched to my car, convinced that Xlormp hated me forever. It was a crappy feeling. I considered picking up that suicide note again.
(If you missed Chapter 1 for some reason, IT IS OVER HERE!)