Chapter Thirteen, "Distractions"
The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos
Chapter 13, "Distractions"
CHRISTOPHER
"What the heck are you doing?" I shouted, my voice echoing off of the kitchen walls.
The fork stopped just before it entered Frig's mouth. "Oh, hey, Christopher!" she said happily, green goo dripping off of her alienified cheeks. "I thought I told you to get out?"
I realized that the name-tag crew was right behind me, and they had no idea that Frig had practically transformed overnight into an alien. Perhaps I could have warned them about that particular detail, as they all seemed rather stunned to be finding out this way.
Frig noticed them at about that moment, too. "Oh my gosh!" she shrieked, throwing the fork at Xlormp, who absorbed it into his disgusting body with no second thought. "How have you been? I can't believe it! Can you believe it?" She pointed at her large and slimy belly.
The other girls just stared. I couldn't blame them at all. Number one, Frig was actually happy to see them. Number two, Frig resembled her former self in no way other than looking a little more feminine (and fat) than Xlormp. I kind of wish I'd been forced to stay away. This was too much for me.
Clearly, it was too much for everyone else as well, because they didn't say a dang word. They just stared, freaked-outedness apparent upon every one of their faces.
Xlormp slithered closer to Frig. "She was just about to eat some llama intestines," he said, as if that was supposed to explain everything.
"What?" Jessica managed to force out, her tone drenched like a wet t-shirt in disgust.
"Frig," I spoke calmly, "you don't eat llama intestines. You're human." Even as I said it, I felt the lack of truth and the knowledge stung.
"I know, but I just wanted some! It's crazy! Isn't it crazy?" She pointed at her belly again and rolled her eyes (five of them now), as if to say, "Babies. What's up with them?"
Tabitha, finally regaining some coherency, said, "So, Frig, Christopher told us you were pregnant."
"I know, right?" Frig said, pointing at her belly. This time, Xlormp also pointed.
"Well...um...when are you due?" Endless kudos to Tabitha for knowing how to turn this craziness into a legit conversation.
"I have no idea," Frig said, making her way to a bucket sitting on the kitchen counter, a bucket clearly labelled "FRESH LLAMA INTESTINES". "It's made of liquid, so I might just pee it out any day now!"
Pee it out. What.
I watched as Frig scooped herself another plate of llama intestines.
"Hey, maybe we could go to another room and let you eat in peace?" I suggested, more for my benefit than for hers.
"No, no!" she insisted, jamming a forkful into her face. "Stay!" As she said it, we could see the mashed up guts rolling around in her still mostly-human mouth. I felt another barf coming on, but I did my best to keep it down, since someone still needed to clean up the first mess. It sure wasn't going to be me.
It may have been in that very instant, seeing the innards of another creature getting masticated by a very pregnant and very alien Frig, that I began to lose my affection for her. Don't think less of me for it. She was a freaking alien now, for pete's sake. Imagine if the person you loved turned into an alien. And then ate llama intestines in front of you. And was having an alien baby. There's a limit, people, and I'd reached mine.
I held up my hand and left the room. I think the name-tag crew tried to stop me, but I couldn't really hear their protests. I was too busy trying to get the crap out of this house for the last time. At the door, Charlie tried to hand me back my invisible coat, but I would have none of it. I did have the presence of mind to recommend he take a mop to the kitchen floor, and then I forced open the door.
I was unable to walk through, however, because on the other side were two aliens, one wearing a hat that said "Mr. Leader" and the other I recognized as Schmeertz. Mr. Leader held one slimy tentacle aloft, as though he were about to ring the doorbell had I not interrupted.
"Oh," he said, alarmed, lowering said tentacle. "Does the human Friggen' Gorgeous live here? We need to kill her."
And that's why I decided to wait. See, even though I was in no mood to watch the love of my life turn into a grotesque alien, it would take much more than that for me to offer her up to be murdered. Especially by other aliens. I still had some pride in my work.
"No," I said. "There is no human by that name here." And it was mostly true by this point.
"Oh," the hatted alien said, turning to Schmeertz. "I thought you said they lived here!"
"They do, but you can't have them!" I turned to see who had said that. It was Klaxie! I didn't even realize he was here! I guess I'd only been here a few minutes, really. How could I have known?
"It's just that it is terribly important that we do," Mr. Leader said. "She's become a little bit too much of a distraction to our cause."
"Right, well, I'm afraid you have the wrong house," Tabitha piped up, butting in front of me and shooting a "why-would-you-even-tell-them-Frig-lives-here" glare at Klaxie.
Now Mr. Leader seemed really confused. "Who are you? And why is Klaxie here if she is not?"
Lexington picked up the slack there. "He hired us. We're prostitutes." The other girls took a few seconds to digest this information, while Klaxie shot Mr. Leader a wide grin and shrugged.
"Yeah," Jessica piped up. "And anyway, even if we knew where Frig was, we wouldn't tell you. She's our friend."
I gawked at her words. Since when did Jessica like Frig so much?
Mr. Leader seemed flustered. "You're absolutely sure that Frig does not live here, and that Klaxie has only hired you to fulfill some of his weird human-loving desires?"
Tabitha nodded. "Yup. We're totally sure."
"Well, ok then," Mr. Leader sighed. "I guess we'll keep looking." And with that, he closed the door.
Tabitha and Lexington high-fived each other and Klaxie, who wrapped a tentacle around each of them, thanking them profusely. But I could not take my eyes off of Jessica, who remained stoically outside of the high-fiving.
"Hey," I said to her. "When did you decide Frig was your friend?"
She shrugged. "Well, look at her. She's not prettier than me anymore, is she?" She flashed me a wicked smile. Which is about when I noticed that one of her eyes was a little greener than the other.
And that's when I decided to stay.
Finally, a chapter list!
Chapter 13, "Distractions"
CHRISTOPHER
"What the heck are you doing?" I shouted, my voice echoing off of the kitchen walls.
The fork stopped just before it entered Frig's mouth. "Oh, hey, Christopher!" she said happily, green goo dripping off of her alienified cheeks. "I thought I told you to get out?"
I realized that the name-tag crew was right behind me, and they had no idea that Frig had practically transformed overnight into an alien. Perhaps I could have warned them about that particular detail, as they all seemed rather stunned to be finding out this way.
Frig noticed them at about that moment, too. "Oh my gosh!" she shrieked, throwing the fork at Xlormp, who absorbed it into his disgusting body with no second thought. "How have you been? I can't believe it! Can you believe it?" She pointed at her large and slimy belly.
The other girls just stared. I couldn't blame them at all. Number one, Frig was actually happy to see them. Number two, Frig resembled her former self in no way other than looking a little more feminine (and fat) than Xlormp. I kind of wish I'd been forced to stay away. This was too much for me.
Clearly, it was too much for everyone else as well, because they didn't say a dang word. They just stared, freaked-outedness apparent upon every one of their faces.
Xlormp slithered closer to Frig. "She was just about to eat some llama intestines," he said, as if that was supposed to explain everything.
"What?" Jessica managed to force out, her tone drenched like a wet t-shirt in disgust.
"Frig," I spoke calmly, "you don't eat llama intestines. You're human." Even as I said it, I felt the lack of truth and the knowledge stung.
"I know, but I just wanted some! It's crazy! Isn't it crazy?" She pointed at her belly again and rolled her eyes (five of them now), as if to say, "Babies. What's up with them?"
Tabitha, finally regaining some coherency, said, "So, Frig, Christopher told us you were pregnant."
"I know, right?" Frig said, pointing at her belly. This time, Xlormp also pointed.
"Well...um...when are you due?" Endless kudos to Tabitha for knowing how to turn this craziness into a legit conversation.
"I have no idea," Frig said, making her way to a bucket sitting on the kitchen counter, a bucket clearly labelled "FRESH LLAMA INTESTINES". "It's made of liquid, so I might just pee it out any day now!"
Pee it out. What.
I watched as Frig scooped herself another plate of llama intestines.
"Hey, maybe we could go to another room and let you eat in peace?" I suggested, more for my benefit than for hers.
"No, no!" she insisted, jamming a forkful into her face. "Stay!" As she said it, we could see the mashed up guts rolling around in her still mostly-human mouth. I felt another barf coming on, but I did my best to keep it down, since someone still needed to clean up the first mess. It sure wasn't going to be me.
It may have been in that very instant, seeing the innards of another creature getting masticated by a very pregnant and very alien Frig, that I began to lose my affection for her. Don't think less of me for it. She was a freaking alien now, for pete's sake. Imagine if the person you loved turned into an alien. And then ate llama intestines in front of you. And was having an alien baby. There's a limit, people, and I'd reached mine.
I held up my hand and left the room. I think the name-tag crew tried to stop me, but I couldn't really hear their protests. I was too busy trying to get the crap out of this house for the last time. At the door, Charlie tried to hand me back my invisible coat, but I would have none of it. I did have the presence of mind to recommend he take a mop to the kitchen floor, and then I forced open the door.
I was unable to walk through, however, because on the other side were two aliens, one wearing a hat that said "Mr. Leader" and the other I recognized as Schmeertz. Mr. Leader held one slimy tentacle aloft, as though he were about to ring the doorbell had I not interrupted.
"Oh," he said, alarmed, lowering said tentacle. "Does the human Friggen' Gorgeous live here? We need to kill her."
And that's why I decided to wait. See, even though I was in no mood to watch the love of my life turn into a grotesque alien, it would take much more than that for me to offer her up to be murdered. Especially by other aliens. I still had some pride in my work.
"No," I said. "There is no human by that name here." And it was mostly true by this point.
"Oh," the hatted alien said, turning to Schmeertz. "I thought you said they lived here!"
"They do, but you can't have them!" I turned to see who had said that. It was Klaxie! I didn't even realize he was here! I guess I'd only been here a few minutes, really. How could I have known?
"It's just that it is terribly important that we do," Mr. Leader said. "She's become a little bit too much of a distraction to our cause."
"Right, well, I'm afraid you have the wrong house," Tabitha piped up, butting in front of me and shooting a "why-would-you-even-tell-them-Frig-lives-here" glare at Klaxie.
Now Mr. Leader seemed really confused. "Who are you? And why is Klaxie here if she is not?"
Lexington picked up the slack there. "He hired us. We're prostitutes." The other girls took a few seconds to digest this information, while Klaxie shot Mr. Leader a wide grin and shrugged.
"Yeah," Jessica piped up. "And anyway, even if we knew where Frig was, we wouldn't tell you. She's our friend."
I gawked at her words. Since when did Jessica like Frig so much?
Mr. Leader seemed flustered. "You're absolutely sure that Frig does not live here, and that Klaxie has only hired you to fulfill some of his weird human-loving desires?"
Tabitha nodded. "Yup. We're totally sure."
"Well, ok then," Mr. Leader sighed. "I guess we'll keep looking." And with that, he closed the door.
Tabitha and Lexington high-fived each other and Klaxie, who wrapped a tentacle around each of them, thanking them profusely. But I could not take my eyes off of Jessica, who remained stoically outside of the high-fiving.
"Hey," I said to her. "When did you decide Frig was your friend?"
She shrugged. "Well, look at her. She's not prettier than me anymore, is she?" She flashed me a wicked smile. Which is about when I noticed that one of her eyes was a little greener than the other.
And that's when I decided to stay.
Finally, a chapter list!