Confessions [one-shot]
Title: Confessions (one-shot)
Author: xlolitsnozomix
Pairing: Kameda
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst and (upcoming fluff)
Warnings: I'm human. i make mistakes. and therefore my point is...beware of horrible GRAMMAR. this is unbeta-ed cuz im in a hurry to post it up before the day ends
Disclaimer: yeah. i dont own them; they own me<3
a/n: for
bachiari's bitrhday because i promised this and because i love her to death<33
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE~~!(:
-----------------------------------------------
It wouldn’t really matter now, would it? It would probably be too late. Not like it would make much of a difference. Not like anything would make much of a difference. It didn’t have to be like this…but it was. Kame turned over on to his side-restless and frustrated. The summer heat didn’t help-instead sweat was breaking out on his forehead and he didn’t care to wipe it away. He would have preferred to just lay there and rot for all that it mattered. The pain was there-constantly nabbing at him every single second of every minute of every day until… it had hurt so badly that everything numbed out. And nothing subsided; it was just pushed into the back of his mind. Every moment he wished he could fall asleep-shutting the world out for once-for good. He didn’t cry. Kame never cried. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. So he made sure it stayed like that. But then again. Did anything stay the way it was supposed to? No. no, it didn’t. So why should he care? He turned to the other side again, staring at the blank wall. Please, just let me sleep…forever.
---
On the first day of spring, the sun was shining so brightly they actually needed sunglasses and sunscreen when they left the building. It was just the two of them-Kame and Ueda. It had been so easy then. So relaxed and casual. And perfect. Kame took Ueda’s hand and led him through the tall grove of far-stretching evergreen trees. It got denser and denser as they went deeper and deeper into the woods. The sunshine was peaking though at the canopy of the trees-and there was small shadows cast across the forest floor. “I brought lunch,” Kame said eagerly with a cheerful smile. He was brighter than the sun. Only a few months ago, that simple gesture of holding hands was just out of mere friendship and affection. It had been nothing else. But even then…something…
Something so small-so miniscule had already began its way to growing into something greater. Something grand and fragile and dangerous.
“Lunch? Sounds really good right now,” Ueda clapped his hands together with a sparkle in his eyes. He had always been lively and cheerful. Always laughing and smiling. It occurred to Kame that Ueda had always been a kid at heart and his view of the world was so naïve and innocent. Maybe that was why he loved him.
“I brought your favorite! Grilled cheese sandwich and turkey. Oh and my favorite…lemonade!” Kame cried with enthusiasm and another smile lit up his face. The sunshine seemed to lift his mood with every passing minute. “How far are we going?” Ueda asked curiously looking a bit lost and throwing Kame a glance that showed a hint of anxiousness. Kame tightened his grasp on Ueda’s hand and said softly, “Don’t worry we’re almost there.” Still leading, Kame walked on confidently with Ueda clinging to his hand tightly and looking frantically around them with fearful glances. He had a fear of unfamiliar places-agoraphobia and it angered him to react that way to things that were nowhere near dangerous. But sometimes, he could just not help it. So he closed his eyes, took in a few deep breaths and breathed out. When he opened his eyes again, he found they were enveloped in bright yellow sunshine and the clearest blue sky ever. The sigh became one of relief and the sudden apprehension instantly washed away. There was nothing to be afraid of. And as if reading Ueda’s thoughts Kame chimed in, “See? Tat-chan? Nothing can hurt you here.” He looked at Ueda with a concerned look and was relieved to find Ueda smiling at him with his eyes. But he was silent-as if stunned by the beauty of the tulip field. Kame didn’t blame him; it was truly beautiful after all and he hadn’t been there since last spring. He couldn’t help it and found himself grinning. The familiarity of the flowers in full bloom and the sun shining brightly above them made him feel at home. They stood in peace for a long while just taking in everything. The bees buzzing busily and darting from flower to flower. The freshness of the air cleansed their lungs and ruffled their hair with a soft tousle. The grass smelling of sweetness and fresh dew. Suddenly their peace was disturbed and they jumped a bit when Kame’s irritating ring tone came on full volume. Ueda chuckled nervously and looked a little shaken, “I think you should pick that up?”
Kame nodded reluctantly and reached into his pocket to fish out the phone. He answered it to find Jin on the other line. He was rambling about how nice the weather was and how it was such a beautiful day and they all had to waste it staying inside. “Jin, stop beating around the bush and just tell me what you want already…” Kame sighed with annoyance. Jin could be such a mood killer. “Anou…me and the other guys wanna join you and Tat-chan for lunch…Is that okay with you?” Kame was stunned. Why did the other guys want to come all of a sudden? They were such city people anyways and never cared much for the outdoors. They weren’t doing this just to ruin his mood did they? He wanted to be mad but he didn’t know if he had enough proof to be. So he settled with sighing inwardly and handing the phone to Ueda. This didn’t look like it was heading in such a good direction.
“Hello?” said Ueda as he took the phone from Kame’s hand and putting it against his ear.
After a few more painful moments, he finally a hung up and was drilled with Kame asking what the plan was. “They’re coming right now…that’s okay with you right? They just wanted some lunch with us before they had to go back to work again,” Ueda smiled brightly. Kame forced a tight smile and his voice came out hoarse, “Yeah, of course, it’s perfectly fine.”
However, he couldn’t help it when a wave of disappointment hit him. He had been looking forward to having a nice lunch after all. But the thing that got his mind in a twist was asking himself who exactly had he been wanting to share that moment with.
---
How long would this go on? Kame hated it. He wished he could have just not said anything at all. But he just had to go and open his big stupid mouth and blurt everything out. He even expected everything to be okay. Like somehow everything would work out perfectly. But nothing ever worked out for him. He surprised himself by actually thinking that something-anything, would finally go his way. But now he knew better. It never did. And never would. That was just the harsh truth. He would learn to deal with it. Wouldn’t he?
Kame walked into the KAT-TUN dressing room to find Taguchi and Koki hunched over a video game shouting loudly and completing their obsession with moronic, overly-animated gestures. Jin was in the corner looking at himself in the mirror. Okay, more like checking out his ass. Kame sighed with irritation. Then he remembered what an egotistical, self-absorbed idiot Jin was and he just rolled his eyes at him. Jin, sill looking in the mirror caught this and gave him a quizzical look. Then as if trying to protect his image, he said quite loudly with a smirk, “Hey! Kame, look I know you’re jealous, but you don’t have to stare like that,” causing Junno and Koki to peer up with curiosity lasting a few seconds then turning their attention back to the game again. Kame looked at Jin with annoyance and spit, “You are probably the last thing on earth I would be jealous of, Jin. Please stop flattering yourself.”
Jin gasped dramatically and brought his hand to his chest saying, “Ugh! You are so harsh all the time Kame! What a mood killer!” He then threw a frustrated pout and stomped to where Junno and Koki were sitting, a scowl on his face the whole time. The reality was quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. Kame was so completely envious of Jin, it made him sick. Only a few days after the incident, Jin and Ueda had grown suspiciously close in nearly no amount of time at all. And in the last week or so, they were nearly inseparable-always by each other’s side. Just seeing them together made Kame sick with rage. It was so unfair and cruel; it was like in the time of a week, Jin had replaced Kame and everything that he thought he meant to Ueda. His heart was aching again. Stupid, stupid heart. Kame closed his eyes and sighed again. A loud, deep frustrated one. He had never felt more alone. And just when he thought things couldn’t possibly get any more exasperating, Ueda walked in. He had on a thin, black collared shirt and the buttons where halfway buttoned up-leaving a nice, long sliver of his impeccably smooth skin showing. Kame was nearly literally green with envy that Ueda put everything on display like that so everyone could see. It was like he didn’t care who saw it. It drove Kame mad-thinking about how other people could just have the simple pleasure of staring at his neck and skin and chest. The painful, selfish truth was that Kame just wanted it all to himself. But obviously, no one cared what he wanted because it was unreasonable and no one wanted to hear him complain about something so trivial.
“Morning guys!” Ueda chirped up. Kame narrowed his eyes at him and bitter thoughts entered his mind. How could he just act so fake like nothing’s wrong? Like nothing’s been wrong? Maybe the truth was he didn’t give a damn after all.
Actually, he had a right, unlike Kame; it wasn’t everyday that your closest friend was confessing his undying love for you. And on top of that, it wasn’t everyday that the best friend turned out to be a guy.
Oh, please.
Kame shut his eyes and tried to drown out that stupid, stupid velvety smooth voice.
He groaned. The voices in his head joined in with the princess’s voice.
Please, just shut up?
Fuck you, heart. Fuck you.
---
“I-I…have something I need to tell you, Ueda” Kame stuttered solemnly and a nervous breath caught in his throat. He took a deep gulp of air and told himself, “Just do it. Just get it over with.”
With a deep exhale, he opened his eyes and his gaze locked with Ueda’s perplexed stare.
“Yes, Kazu-chan?” he said with mild curiosity.
“Uhm…uhm…y-you…wanna go for a smoothie?” Kame could literally stab himself right then and there. Why couldn’t he just spit it out? It was the perfect moment too. And what was up with the smoothie excuse? Kame mentally smacked himself on the forehead for saying such a lame excuse. One that, not to mention, Ueda saw right through.
Ueda narrowed his eyes and looked suspiciously at Kame, “No…I don’t want a smoothie…you were going to tell me something? Go on.”
“Uh-uhm…it’s nothing…don’t worry about it…”
Shit, what am I gonna do now??
“Just spill it, Kame. Obviously something is going on…” Ueda narrowed his eyes again and studied Kame’s reaction-making him squirm uncomfortably under the intense gaze.
Finally, he broke. He couldn’t take it anymore and with one breath blurted everything out, “OkayIknowwe’refriendsandeverythingandyou’reliketheclosestfriendI’veeverhadbutIthinkIlove
youmorethanjustasafriend.”
Loud exhale. Kame closed his eyes and tried to avoid Ueda’s eyes; he took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. I did it. And now he was faced with the most difficult part of it all, learning Ueda’s reaction…
When Kame finally looked up again, he saw that Ueda was not looking at him either, instead he looked at the ground like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen.
It killed Kame-he hated it when Ueda got all silent because then he couldn’t read his expression and he couldn’t know what he was thinking.
It also meant something was wrong.
Kame braced himself for some type of rejection; he clenched his fists.
God, what have I done?
Ueda looked like he was in pain-the worry clearly visible in his eyes. And Kame instantly regretted his words. He had ruined their friendship…maybe for good. He wanted so badly to draw back those impulsive words. But it was too late. Sometimes, things just happen that way; sometimes life just toys around with you-seeing how long it can torture you. Kame closed his eyes and wished he could disappear. Nothing would be the same now, right?
The long, aching silence was broken with Ueda’s soft, calm whisper, “Kazuya…I-I…I’ll see you inside, okay?” And with that, he turned around in one swift twist and lithely sauntered away. His back to Kame was the most heartbreaking sight that day. It was like he was too disgusted to answer with words…his actions showed Kame how he felt better than any words could. And then he knew. He had already seen it coming-so why did he still say it?
Because he loved him.
And that was the truth.
The raw, bare truth.
He shut his eyes again as regret washed over him.
---
Before he knew it, Kame was running. Running at full speed. Into the blistering winds that were mercilessly blowing, he ran. From what? From Ueda? From the truth? What was he supposed to be hiding from? Maybe his last scrap of dignity. The one that he had just thrown behind at the Kat-tun dressing room. And Kame fretted-what a lame place to leave behind your last bit of pride. But he just couldn’t help it-after all, humans were known for acting with their hearts, not their minds, and if he could, he would’ve sued his heart right then and there. What a stupid heart it was. He ran all the way into the woods. Past the tall grove of evergreens that seemed to stretch on forever. He wanted to get away. And when he got there. To the tulip field…he sighed with a huge sigh of relief and collapsed among the butterflies sucking honey from the rainbow flowers. The heat was starting to burn through his jeans and his cotton t-shirt was slowly getting soaked with perspiration. He sort of actually hated summer right then. It was supposed to be his favorite season too. And then he thought, this field and my life-it’s all like a big huge ironic contradiction.
---
Rocking himself with his arms wrapped so tightly around his knees that his knuckles turned white, Kame stared out the window. The bleak, gray sky stared back at him-it was perfectly matching with his mood. With everything. His friends didn’t really notice of course-they were too wrapped up in their own worlds to realize that every time he acted happy and cheerful in front of them that the smile was fake and dull and dead. There was really no smile at all. They hadn’t realized that the entire week his eyes were coated with pain and remorse and detest. And Ueda himself didn’t seem like he could care less. Perhaps that was his truth.
Sighing had seemed to become a favorite hobby of Kame’s lately. And sitting by himself thinking the whole world was against him had also become another preferred one. Every day, he would pick up the phone; stare at it, with only one number in his mind. Then every time he was tempted to dial that number, he would stop himself. So in the end, he would end up gaping at it for 10 minutes or more until the tone came on. He hated that tone. It made him feel dead. Maybe he was dead. Just a walking soulless, lifeless hollow shell. Yeah, it was probably like that. And even though he knew full well that Ueda couldn’t care much less about him, he still hoped and a feeling of expectance lingered on. Every time his eyes accidently met with Ueda-it seemed that Kame’s mind made him want to believe that there was still something there. Most of the time, he did believe it. But his right mind knew better-Ueda was simply trying to act civil towards him by not screaming names and throwing thing at him. He was a princess after all. An ice queen was more like it. Kame found himself actually preferring Ueda to start shouting at him and throwing a tantrum because that meant he would have finally stopped ignoring him. It would have stood a good chance of lessening the pain from him.
---
A few more days passed-though it all felt like one huge blur of numbness to Kame. The next day in the lounge again, he saw Jin and Maru messing around with each other’s hair as they sat next to the mirror. Suddenly, Junno and Koki ran past him so fast that he thought the world was ending. He actually saw his life flash before his eyes. When he realized it was just the two idiots chasing each other, he let out a weak chuckle-smothered with nervousness. He actually found himself cracking a smile for the first time in over a week. Perhaps, things were starting to look up after all… He let himself crack another grin when Koki tackled Junno to the ground and started tickling him-making Junno scream in delight. It was definitely a sight to see. Suddenly, Kame’s mood shifted once again when a familiar voice rang out from behind him. He twirled around to find it being none other than Ueda. He was even more stunning than the day before-his caramel locks with golden highlights intensified by the sun’s rays was ruffled up and a few strands fell over one eye. He had always been beautiful. But Kame came to realize that every passing day ever since the incident, Ueda had become more and more gorgeous. It was inexplicable. Like the affection for him multiplied even though he had broken his heart. The world was just so damn ironic. When Kame looked up to meet Ueda’s gaze, he found Ueda staring at him-a strange expression on his face. Kame managed a weak smile. Then he headed towards the exit; the atmosphere somehow became smothering. When he walked past Ueda, he turned his head down again so that he was staring at the ground instead of Kame. It almost seemed like he was ashamed to be caught looking at him. Kame walked out silently and somberly with a grim frown. It would always be this way…wouldn’t it? He had officially screwed things up-nothing could be done now. Kame slowly wandered to the men’s restroom, tears threatening to spill out. I can’t cry now…I can’t cry. But he couldn’t help it and for the first time in years, he let himself go as a feeling of completely helplessness and desolation prevailed over him. It couldn’t be helped. Then suddenly he wished he could be sleeping again-and never having to wake up.
-----------------------------------------------end Kameda----------------------------------------------
a/n: sorry for so much angst DDDD: i didnt want it to be so angsty since its a birthday fic but like i erm was feeling so sad yesterday so it just came out like this. and not that i want anyone to pity me or anything but i was crying this morn' so that's why when i finished it, it was so angsty too ;_; GOMEN JESSIE D: but i promise i'm going to write a happy sequel because i cant STAND SAD ENDINGS T^T so well thanks for reading and i promise to write a fluffy sequel. oh and Kameda again because Uebo is very very sexy lately XD and cuz Kame...what else is there to say? i dont think i need any more words to explain why(: one big reason is because ive grown to love him mroe than life itlself. and that, for me, is saying alot. so please comment? thanks<33 oh and just fyi, your comments can help take away all this angstiness in this day T______________________T;
mucho love, guys<3
oh one more thing...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE<3
and here is the photoshopped pic/banner that i promised:
click for full size<3
Author: xlolitsnozomix
Pairing: Kameda
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst and (upcoming fluff)
Warnings: I'm human. i make mistakes. and therefore my point is...beware of horrible GRAMMAR. this is unbeta-ed cuz im in a hurry to post it up before the day ends
Disclaimer: yeah. i dont own them; they own me<3
a/n: for
bachiari's bitrhday because i promised this and because i love her to death<33
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE~~!(:
-----------------------------------------------
It wouldn’t really matter now, would it? It would probably be too late. Not like it would make much of a difference. Not like anything would make much of a difference. It didn’t have to be like this…but it was. Kame turned over on to his side-restless and frustrated. The summer heat didn’t help-instead sweat was breaking out on his forehead and he didn’t care to wipe it away. He would have preferred to just lay there and rot for all that it mattered. The pain was there-constantly nabbing at him every single second of every minute of every day until… it had hurt so badly that everything numbed out. And nothing subsided; it was just pushed into the back of his mind. Every moment he wished he could fall asleep-shutting the world out for once-for good. He didn’t cry. Kame never cried. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. So he made sure it stayed like that. But then again. Did anything stay the way it was supposed to? No. no, it didn’t. So why should he care? He turned to the other side again, staring at the blank wall. Please, just let me sleep…forever.
---
On the first day of spring, the sun was shining so brightly they actually needed sunglasses and sunscreen when they left the building. It was just the two of them-Kame and Ueda. It had been so easy then. So relaxed and casual. And perfect. Kame took Ueda’s hand and led him through the tall grove of far-stretching evergreen trees. It got denser and denser as they went deeper and deeper into the woods. The sunshine was peaking though at the canopy of the trees-and there was small shadows cast across the forest floor. “I brought lunch,” Kame said eagerly with a cheerful smile. He was brighter than the sun. Only a few months ago, that simple gesture of holding hands was just out of mere friendship and affection. It had been nothing else. But even then…something…
Something so small-so miniscule had already began its way to growing into something greater. Something grand and fragile and dangerous.
“Lunch? Sounds really good right now,” Ueda clapped his hands together with a sparkle in his eyes. He had always been lively and cheerful. Always laughing and smiling. It occurred to Kame that Ueda had always been a kid at heart and his view of the world was so naïve and innocent. Maybe that was why he loved him.
“I brought your favorite! Grilled cheese sandwich and turkey. Oh and my favorite…lemonade!” Kame cried with enthusiasm and another smile lit up his face. The sunshine seemed to lift his mood with every passing minute. “How far are we going?” Ueda asked curiously looking a bit lost and throwing Kame a glance that showed a hint of anxiousness. Kame tightened his grasp on Ueda’s hand and said softly, “Don’t worry we’re almost there.” Still leading, Kame walked on confidently with Ueda clinging to his hand tightly and looking frantically around them with fearful glances. He had a fear of unfamiliar places-agoraphobia and it angered him to react that way to things that were nowhere near dangerous. But sometimes, he could just not help it. So he closed his eyes, took in a few deep breaths and breathed out. When he opened his eyes again, he found they were enveloped in bright yellow sunshine and the clearest blue sky ever. The sigh became one of relief and the sudden apprehension instantly washed away. There was nothing to be afraid of. And as if reading Ueda’s thoughts Kame chimed in, “See? Tat-chan? Nothing can hurt you here.” He looked at Ueda with a concerned look and was relieved to find Ueda smiling at him with his eyes. But he was silent-as if stunned by the beauty of the tulip field. Kame didn’t blame him; it was truly beautiful after all and he hadn’t been there since last spring. He couldn’t help it and found himself grinning. The familiarity of the flowers in full bloom and the sun shining brightly above them made him feel at home. They stood in peace for a long while just taking in everything. The bees buzzing busily and darting from flower to flower. The freshness of the air cleansed their lungs and ruffled their hair with a soft tousle. The grass smelling of sweetness and fresh dew. Suddenly their peace was disturbed and they jumped a bit when Kame’s irritating ring tone came on full volume. Ueda chuckled nervously and looked a little shaken, “I think you should pick that up?”
Kame nodded reluctantly and reached into his pocket to fish out the phone. He answered it to find Jin on the other line. He was rambling about how nice the weather was and how it was such a beautiful day and they all had to waste it staying inside. “Jin, stop beating around the bush and just tell me what you want already…” Kame sighed with annoyance. Jin could be such a mood killer. “Anou…me and the other guys wanna join you and Tat-chan for lunch…Is that okay with you?” Kame was stunned. Why did the other guys want to come all of a sudden? They were such city people anyways and never cared much for the outdoors. They weren’t doing this just to ruin his mood did they? He wanted to be mad but he didn’t know if he had enough proof to be. So he settled with sighing inwardly and handing the phone to Ueda. This didn’t look like it was heading in such a good direction.
“Hello?” said Ueda as he took the phone from Kame’s hand and putting it against his ear.
After a few more painful moments, he finally a hung up and was drilled with Kame asking what the plan was. “They’re coming right now…that’s okay with you right? They just wanted some lunch with us before they had to go back to work again,” Ueda smiled brightly. Kame forced a tight smile and his voice came out hoarse, “Yeah, of course, it’s perfectly fine.”
However, he couldn’t help it when a wave of disappointment hit him. He had been looking forward to having a nice lunch after all. But the thing that got his mind in a twist was asking himself who exactly had he been wanting to share that moment with.
---
How long would this go on? Kame hated it. He wished he could have just not said anything at all. But he just had to go and open his big stupid mouth and blurt everything out. He even expected everything to be okay. Like somehow everything would work out perfectly. But nothing ever worked out for him. He surprised himself by actually thinking that something-anything, would finally go his way. But now he knew better. It never did. And never would. That was just the harsh truth. He would learn to deal with it. Wouldn’t he?
Kame walked into the KAT-TUN dressing room to find Taguchi and Koki hunched over a video game shouting loudly and completing their obsession with moronic, overly-animated gestures. Jin was in the corner looking at himself in the mirror. Okay, more like checking out his ass. Kame sighed with irritation. Then he remembered what an egotistical, self-absorbed idiot Jin was and he just rolled his eyes at him. Jin, sill looking in the mirror caught this and gave him a quizzical look. Then as if trying to protect his image, he said quite loudly with a smirk, “Hey! Kame, look I know you’re jealous, but you don’t have to stare like that,” causing Junno and Koki to peer up with curiosity lasting a few seconds then turning their attention back to the game again. Kame looked at Jin with annoyance and spit, “You are probably the last thing on earth I would be jealous of, Jin. Please stop flattering yourself.”
Jin gasped dramatically and brought his hand to his chest saying, “Ugh! You are so harsh all the time Kame! What a mood killer!” He then threw a frustrated pout and stomped to where Junno and Koki were sitting, a scowl on his face the whole time. The reality was quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. Kame was so completely envious of Jin, it made him sick. Only a few days after the incident, Jin and Ueda had grown suspiciously close in nearly no amount of time at all. And in the last week or so, they were nearly inseparable-always by each other’s side. Just seeing them together made Kame sick with rage. It was so unfair and cruel; it was like in the time of a week, Jin had replaced Kame and everything that he thought he meant to Ueda. His heart was aching again. Stupid, stupid heart. Kame closed his eyes and sighed again. A loud, deep frustrated one. He had never felt more alone. And just when he thought things couldn’t possibly get any more exasperating, Ueda walked in. He had on a thin, black collared shirt and the buttons where halfway buttoned up-leaving a nice, long sliver of his impeccably smooth skin showing. Kame was nearly literally green with envy that Ueda put everything on display like that so everyone could see. It was like he didn’t care who saw it. It drove Kame mad-thinking about how other people could just have the simple pleasure of staring at his neck and skin and chest. The painful, selfish truth was that Kame just wanted it all to himself. But obviously, no one cared what he wanted because it was unreasonable and no one wanted to hear him complain about something so trivial.
“Morning guys!” Ueda chirped up. Kame narrowed his eyes at him and bitter thoughts entered his mind. How could he just act so fake like nothing’s wrong? Like nothing’s been wrong? Maybe the truth was he didn’t give a damn after all.
Actually, he had a right, unlike Kame; it wasn’t everyday that your closest friend was confessing his undying love for you. And on top of that, it wasn’t everyday that the best friend turned out to be a guy.
Oh, please.
Kame shut his eyes and tried to drown out that stupid, stupid velvety smooth voice.
He groaned. The voices in his head joined in with the princess’s voice.
Please, just shut up?
Fuck you, heart. Fuck you.
---
“I-I…have something I need to tell you, Ueda” Kame stuttered solemnly and a nervous breath caught in his throat. He took a deep gulp of air and told himself, “Just do it. Just get it over with.”
With a deep exhale, he opened his eyes and his gaze locked with Ueda’s perplexed stare.
“Yes, Kazu-chan?” he said with mild curiosity.
“Uhm…uhm…y-you…wanna go for a smoothie?” Kame could literally stab himself right then and there. Why couldn’t he just spit it out? It was the perfect moment too. And what was up with the smoothie excuse? Kame mentally smacked himself on the forehead for saying such a lame excuse. One that, not to mention, Ueda saw right through.
Ueda narrowed his eyes and looked suspiciously at Kame, “No…I don’t want a smoothie…you were going to tell me something? Go on.”
“Uh-uhm…it’s nothing…don’t worry about it…”
Shit, what am I gonna do now??
“Just spill it, Kame. Obviously something is going on…” Ueda narrowed his eyes again and studied Kame’s reaction-making him squirm uncomfortably under the intense gaze.
Finally, he broke. He couldn’t take it anymore and with one breath blurted everything out, “OkayIknowwe’refriendsandeverythingandyou’reliketheclosestfriendI’veeverhadbutIthinkIlove
youmorethanjustasafriend.”
Loud exhale. Kame closed his eyes and tried to avoid Ueda’s eyes; he took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. I did it. And now he was faced with the most difficult part of it all, learning Ueda’s reaction…
When Kame finally looked up again, he saw that Ueda was not looking at him either, instead he looked at the ground like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen.
It killed Kame-he hated it when Ueda got all silent because then he couldn’t read his expression and he couldn’t know what he was thinking.
It also meant something was wrong.
Kame braced himself for some type of rejection; he clenched his fists.
God, what have I done?
Ueda looked like he was in pain-the worry clearly visible in his eyes. And Kame instantly regretted his words. He had ruined their friendship…maybe for good. He wanted so badly to draw back those impulsive words. But it was too late. Sometimes, things just happen that way; sometimes life just toys around with you-seeing how long it can torture you. Kame closed his eyes and wished he could disappear. Nothing would be the same now, right?
The long, aching silence was broken with Ueda’s soft, calm whisper, “Kazuya…I-I…I’ll see you inside, okay?” And with that, he turned around in one swift twist and lithely sauntered away. His back to Kame was the most heartbreaking sight that day. It was like he was too disgusted to answer with words…his actions showed Kame how he felt better than any words could. And then he knew. He had already seen it coming-so why did he still say it?
Because he loved him.
And that was the truth.
The raw, bare truth.
He shut his eyes again as regret washed over him.
---
Before he knew it, Kame was running. Running at full speed. Into the blistering winds that were mercilessly blowing, he ran. From what? From Ueda? From the truth? What was he supposed to be hiding from? Maybe his last scrap of dignity. The one that he had just thrown behind at the Kat-tun dressing room. And Kame fretted-what a lame place to leave behind your last bit of pride. But he just couldn’t help it-after all, humans were known for acting with their hearts, not their minds, and if he could, he would’ve sued his heart right then and there. What a stupid heart it was. He ran all the way into the woods. Past the tall grove of evergreens that seemed to stretch on forever. He wanted to get away. And when he got there. To the tulip field…he sighed with a huge sigh of relief and collapsed among the butterflies sucking honey from the rainbow flowers. The heat was starting to burn through his jeans and his cotton t-shirt was slowly getting soaked with perspiration. He sort of actually hated summer right then. It was supposed to be his favorite season too. And then he thought, this field and my life-it’s all like a big huge ironic contradiction.
---
Rocking himself with his arms wrapped so tightly around his knees that his knuckles turned white, Kame stared out the window. The bleak, gray sky stared back at him-it was perfectly matching with his mood. With everything. His friends didn’t really notice of course-they were too wrapped up in their own worlds to realize that every time he acted happy and cheerful in front of them that the smile was fake and dull and dead. There was really no smile at all. They hadn’t realized that the entire week his eyes were coated with pain and remorse and detest. And Ueda himself didn’t seem like he could care less. Perhaps that was his truth.
Sighing had seemed to become a favorite hobby of Kame’s lately. And sitting by himself thinking the whole world was against him had also become another preferred one. Every day, he would pick up the phone; stare at it, with only one number in his mind. Then every time he was tempted to dial that number, he would stop himself. So in the end, he would end up gaping at it for 10 minutes or more until the tone came on. He hated that tone. It made him feel dead. Maybe he was dead. Just a walking soulless, lifeless hollow shell. Yeah, it was probably like that. And even though he knew full well that Ueda couldn’t care much less about him, he still hoped and a feeling of expectance lingered on. Every time his eyes accidently met with Ueda-it seemed that Kame’s mind made him want to believe that there was still something there. Most of the time, he did believe it. But his right mind knew better-Ueda was simply trying to act civil towards him by not screaming names and throwing thing at him. He was a princess after all. An ice queen was more like it. Kame found himself actually preferring Ueda to start shouting at him and throwing a tantrum because that meant he would have finally stopped ignoring him. It would have stood a good chance of lessening the pain from him.
---
A few more days passed-though it all felt like one huge blur of numbness to Kame. The next day in the lounge again, he saw Jin and Maru messing around with each other’s hair as they sat next to the mirror. Suddenly, Junno and Koki ran past him so fast that he thought the world was ending. He actually saw his life flash before his eyes. When he realized it was just the two idiots chasing each other, he let out a weak chuckle-smothered with nervousness. He actually found himself cracking a smile for the first time in over a week. Perhaps, things were starting to look up after all… He let himself crack another grin when Koki tackled Junno to the ground and started tickling him-making Junno scream in delight. It was definitely a sight to see. Suddenly, Kame’s mood shifted once again when a familiar voice rang out from behind him. He twirled around to find it being none other than Ueda. He was even more stunning than the day before-his caramel locks with golden highlights intensified by the sun’s rays was ruffled up and a few strands fell over one eye. He had always been beautiful. But Kame came to realize that every passing day ever since the incident, Ueda had become more and more gorgeous. It was inexplicable. Like the affection for him multiplied even though he had broken his heart. The world was just so damn ironic. When Kame looked up to meet Ueda’s gaze, he found Ueda staring at him-a strange expression on his face. Kame managed a weak smile. Then he headed towards the exit; the atmosphere somehow became smothering. When he walked past Ueda, he turned his head down again so that he was staring at the ground instead of Kame. It almost seemed like he was ashamed to be caught looking at him. Kame walked out silently and somberly with a grim frown. It would always be this way…wouldn’t it? He had officially screwed things up-nothing could be done now. Kame slowly wandered to the men’s restroom, tears threatening to spill out. I can’t cry now…I can’t cry. But he couldn’t help it and for the first time in years, he let himself go as a feeling of completely helplessness and desolation prevailed over him. It couldn’t be helped. Then suddenly he wished he could be sleeping again-and never having to wake up.
-----------------------------------------------end Kameda----------------------------------------------
a/n: sorry for so much angst DDDD: i didnt want it to be so angsty since its a birthday fic but like i erm was feeling so sad yesterday so it just came out like this. and not that i want anyone to pity me or anything but i was crying this morn' so that's why when i finished it, it was so angsty too ;_; GOMEN JESSIE D: but i promise i'm going to write a happy sequel because i cant STAND SAD ENDINGS T^T so well thanks for reading and i promise to write a fluffy sequel. oh and Kameda again because Uebo is very very sexy lately XD and cuz Kame...what else is there to say? i dont think i need any more words to explain why(: one big reason is because ive grown to love him mroe than life itlself. and that, for me, is saying alot. so please comment? thanks<33 oh and just fyi, your comments can help take away all this angstiness in this day T______________________T;
mucho love, guys<3
oh one more thing...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE<3
and here is the photoshopped pic/banner that i promised:
click for full size<3