Letters, Chapter Three
6. Letters
Rating: PG-13ish
Centric: Twins.
Status: Complete.. Part of the trilogy of the three different stories with the same basic concept.
Summary: The mail had been stacking up for days, almost as if the apartment was vacant. And in a way, it was. The only occupant was curled up on the couch, a pile of Kleenex on the floor below him. Several empty cans of alcohol littered the floor and bags of crackers and chips were scattered about. He hadn't cooked in such a long time the pots and pans had long ago collected dust and the empty bottles of vodka had found a place on top of the stove. That's all there was anymore. Alcohol. And an apathy that was in fact to the contrary. The reason he was so irresponsive and cold was that he did care. So much.
Christmas Eve marks the second anniversary of Joel’s father leaving the family. It marks the beginning of what he considers the end. Before that night, his family was together. Given it was loosely so, but back then he not only had a dad, but he had a twin. And as a result of that night, he has neither.
Benji had changed after that night. That night signaled the beginning of the depression Benji had held before he left. That night, he lost a lot of his innocence. He lost a lot of what made him who he was. It had been hard for Joel to watch, most of the time he hadn’t. He’d simply turned away from the flares, the signals, his brother had been sending. That’s what hurt the most. He looked away.
Eleven o’clock, just an hour from Christmas Day, Joel lies alone in a cold, dark apartment. Billy had left, gone to stay with his family, and Joel stayed behind. Tomorrow he’s supposed to go to a family get-together, but it doesn’t seem right. How’s he supposed to explain to the family that Benji’s not dead, after all? How’s he supposed to spend the day knowing his twin is alone, knowing he could easily find him? How’s he supposed to decide what to do?
Part of him tells him to get in the car and find the address he was given for Benji’s residence. Only he hasn’t gotten any correspondence back and something in the pit of his stomach convinces him to do otherwise. What if the address wasn’t right? If Benj wanted to see him, he’d come see him, right?
Sighing, Joel clicks past another channel on his television. Nothing is on, only old Christmas movies and episodes of sitcoms following the same theme. Before he can settle on a channel, a sudden ring sends him jumping. The doorbell.
Mouth agape, Joel shakily raises into a sitting position, staring at the blackened windows for any sign of the culprit. Slipping his cold feet into an awaiting pair of green plaid slippers on the floor, he raises to his feet. Cautiously making his way over to the door, he grabs the baseball bat sitting in the corner… just in case.
Slowly unlocking the door, he flicks the porch light on before drawing the door open a bit. Looking out onto the wrap around landing of the apartment complex, below-freezing air nips the bare skin of his arms and nose. Drawing in a deep breath, he’s surprised to see no one upon looking around the landing. Just as he’s ready to close the door, however, he notices a package sitting expectantly on the dirtied welcome mat.
Kneeling down, he brushed his fingers against the box. Covered in metallic red and green wrapping paper, a big silver bow sits atop. Memorized by the way the light dances off the metallic surface, Joel purses his lips. Carefully sliding his finger underneath the tape, he begins to dismantle the wrapping, the paper slipping easily past itself as it begins to expose the present beneath.
It’s a small box, black and silver, and he studies it a moment before opening it. Open doing so, he sees the inside, lined in black velvet and housing something very familiar, but all but forgotten. A golden chain sits in contrast to the background, a small dogtag housing the initial of “J” carved eloquently in the gold. When the twins were little, their parents had gotten them respectively initialed necklaces. Neither had ever taken it off, but one night Joel had gone to sleep and awakened without it around his neck. That was the last time he had seen it.
Confused, he looks around for a card, or anything resembling one, explaining the origin of the package, but no such thing is present.
“I pawned it,” a voice jolts Joel from his thoughts. “Or I was going to. I needed the money.”
Gasping, Joel slowly rises himself to his feet. There stands Benji, his brother. The same one who killed himself and the same one who wrote him a letter from the dead, explaining that everything he thought was true held the one-eighty. Blinking, mouth agape, he can’t help but stare and can’t do anything but.
“I found yours on the floor a few days later. The clasp was broken,” he continues, purposely not meeting Joel’s eyes. “I figured that you had already thought you’d lost it, so I could get something out of it.” Joel can’t move his eyes away, can’t breathe.
“I couldn’t do it,” Benji shrugs, clearing his throat. “I don’t have the money to buy anything special, but I thought that maybe you… maybe that would be…”
Watching as Benji babbles on, Joel purses his lips. The words struggling to find their way from his brother’s lips, he finally works up the courage to emote his own.
“I… Benj…” he begins, voice cracking. “I… thanks…”
Shocked tears well in his eyes and he’s relieved when Benji finally meets his. Tears flowing freely, he stumbles forward, Benji meeting him more than halfway as he wraps his arms around him tightly. Choking back a sob himself, Benji holds up Joel’s weight as he collapses against him, grasping for his twin. Long, pained wails escape Joel’s throat and Benji seals his eyes shut, concentrating on his breathing which has since quickened.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, quickly becoming drained. “Joel, I’m so fucking sorry…”
In response, Joel shakes his head in his chest, his fingers entangling themselves further in his brother’s thin shirt. Benji, being the older of the two, rubs his palm in a circular motion between his shoulder blades. Hiccups escape Joel’s throat and soon he’s left gasping for air as he begins to hyperventilate.
“Shhh,” Benji bites his lip, pulling away from his brother slightly, though Joel claws at him to draw him close again. “Joel, buddy, you have to calm down. Breathe… breathe…”
Joel continues to scramble to close the distance, and Benji realizes that upsetting him in such a way isn’t making the situation any better. Drawing him back to his chest, Benji coaches him on his breathing.
“Joel, breathe,” he pleads. “In…” he mimics his own advice. “Out. In… Out.” Repeating the same instructions, Joel’s breathing finally begins to fall into a more normal pattern. Breathing soon quiet, he’s exhausted as he collapses against Benji, crying down to an occasional sniff and an odd hiccup.
“Better?” Benji murmurs, his chin resting atop his brother’s hair, now cold from the winter chill. Joel nods. Pursing his lips, Benji draws back to meet Joel’s eyes.
“I’m sorry, Benj,” he whispers, glancing away.
“Joel, if anyone should be sorry, it’s me,” Benji shakes his head. Licking his lips, Joel meets Benji’s eyes again.
“I missed you,” he whispers, in awe of the sight before him. He knew that Benji was alive, true, but after thinking he had killed himself for so long… it’s still surreal. Benji nods.
“Well, we might as well go in,” Benji offers Joel a hopeful smile, the cold long since having numbed his entire body.
“Yeah, of course,” Joel nods, pushing open the door. He lets Benji ramble in before patting the small box Benji had given him in his pocket.
Upon closing the door, Joel watches as Benji looks about the living room of the apartment, suddenly feeling conscious about its state. The blankets on the couch lay in a jumble, the light of the television blaring over the landscape of the cramped room. A small pile of empty beer cans lie beneath the end table and a pack of cigarettes sit atop.
“Welcome home,” Joel breathes with a slight smile.
“Thanks,” Benji flashes him one of the thousand-megawatt smiles Joel had missed so much. An awkward silence sets in as Benji’s eyes continue to sweep the scene, Joel finally breaking the silence by clearing his throat.
“I haven’t touched your room since… since you left,” he offers shyly. Benji looks at him.
“Billy took my room, I’ve been on the couch,” he continues.
“Why?” Benji asks, furrowing his eyebrows. Joel shrugs.
“Well, thanks,” Benji nods.
“No problem,” Joel says. “I… God, Benj, I’m just so fucking happy you came back. I was going to come find you, but I was worried… I don‘t know what I was worried about, actually. But I just, I missed you so much and I…”
“I missed you too, Joel,” Benji offers a half smile. “And I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry and it was so stupid. So stupid, I fucking missed you to fucking death and I… Joel, you have to know that I’m sorry. If I could go back I would.”
“I know Benj,” tears start to well in Joel’s eyes once again as his twin squeezes his shoulder.
“Anyway, I couldn’t leave you alone on Christmas,” Benji continues. “And today… all I could think about was that night.”
“Me too,” Joel swallows.
“I guess I’ve shut a lot of that night out,” Benji narrows his eyes in thought. “All I remember from that night was Mom and Dad arguing… Dad slamming the door. Mom crying and how we tried to calm her down, but she just left. Then just us. I remember just us.”
“Yeah,” Joel purses his lips. “It was just us. It’s like… I kept thinking about what had happened at different times throughout the day. Like now… now we were in our room.”
“Laying there,” Benji adds. “I remember putting our beds together.”
“And we were both scared as shit, but you told me that everything would be okay.”
“Like I knew,” Benji snorts.
“I believed you,” Joel licks his lips, staring at his twin. Benji meets his brothers eyes and smiles. The corners of his lips upturning awkwardly, Joel reaches around his brother’s neck. Benji looks at him, confused as Joel fumbles with his brother’s necklace, the one identical to his, as he undoes the clasp.
He offers Benji a half smile, fastening it around his own neck before offering Benji his own.
“Joel…” he begins, eyebrows furrowed.
“I’m wearing yours,” he explains. “That way, you can’t leave me again.”
“I’m not going to leave you Joel,” Benji insists, though he fastens Joel’s necklace around his own neck anyway.
Joel yawns tiredly as he sits on the couch, clearing a spot for his brother around the blankets. Benji takes a spot, close to Joel and sighs.
“How about we get some sleep? We can talk more in the morning,” he suggests, Joel nodding, reluctant, but too tired to put up much of a fight.
“Stay with me?” Joel asks, big brown eyes looking to his twin questioningly. Benji nods warmly, scooting to allow Joel room before reaching an arm around him. Joel leans against his brother, snuggling into his hold.
“It’s snowing, Joel,” Benji murmurs. Joel nods sleepily, snuggling further into his brother’s warmth. Benji smiles as Joel’s breathing evens out. Things may not be perfect, but it’s going to get better.
And this time, he’ll stick around to see it out.
Rating: PG-13ish
Centric: Twins.
Status: Complete.. Part of the trilogy of the three different stories with the same basic concept.
Summary: The mail had been stacking up for days, almost as if the apartment was vacant. And in a way, it was. The only occupant was curled up on the couch, a pile of Kleenex on the floor below him. Several empty cans of alcohol littered the floor and bags of crackers and chips were scattered about. He hadn't cooked in such a long time the pots and pans had long ago collected dust and the empty bottles of vodka had found a place on top of the stove. That's all there was anymore. Alcohol. And an apathy that was in fact to the contrary. The reason he was so irresponsive and cold was that he did care. So much.
Christmas Eve marks the second anniversary of Joel’s father leaving the family. It marks the beginning of what he considers the end. Before that night, his family was together. Given it was loosely so, but back then he not only had a dad, but he had a twin. And as a result of that night, he has neither.
Benji had changed after that night. That night signaled the beginning of the depression Benji had held before he left. That night, he lost a lot of his innocence. He lost a lot of what made him who he was. It had been hard for Joel to watch, most of the time he hadn’t. He’d simply turned away from the flares, the signals, his brother had been sending. That’s what hurt the most. He looked away.
Eleven o’clock, just an hour from Christmas Day, Joel lies alone in a cold, dark apartment. Billy had left, gone to stay with his family, and Joel stayed behind. Tomorrow he’s supposed to go to a family get-together, but it doesn’t seem right. How’s he supposed to explain to the family that Benji’s not dead, after all? How’s he supposed to spend the day knowing his twin is alone, knowing he could easily find him? How’s he supposed to decide what to do?
Part of him tells him to get in the car and find the address he was given for Benji’s residence. Only he hasn’t gotten any correspondence back and something in the pit of his stomach convinces him to do otherwise. What if the address wasn’t right? If Benj wanted to see him, he’d come see him, right?
Sighing, Joel clicks past another channel on his television. Nothing is on, only old Christmas movies and episodes of sitcoms following the same theme. Before he can settle on a channel, a sudden ring sends him jumping. The doorbell.
Mouth agape, Joel shakily raises into a sitting position, staring at the blackened windows for any sign of the culprit. Slipping his cold feet into an awaiting pair of green plaid slippers on the floor, he raises to his feet. Cautiously making his way over to the door, he grabs the baseball bat sitting in the corner… just in case.
Slowly unlocking the door, he flicks the porch light on before drawing the door open a bit. Looking out onto the wrap around landing of the apartment complex, below-freezing air nips the bare skin of his arms and nose. Drawing in a deep breath, he’s surprised to see no one upon looking around the landing. Just as he’s ready to close the door, however, he notices a package sitting expectantly on the dirtied welcome mat.
Kneeling down, he brushed his fingers against the box. Covered in metallic red and green wrapping paper, a big silver bow sits atop. Memorized by the way the light dances off the metallic surface, Joel purses his lips. Carefully sliding his finger underneath the tape, he begins to dismantle the wrapping, the paper slipping easily past itself as it begins to expose the present beneath.
It’s a small box, black and silver, and he studies it a moment before opening it. Open doing so, he sees the inside, lined in black velvet and housing something very familiar, but all but forgotten. A golden chain sits in contrast to the background, a small dogtag housing the initial of “J” carved eloquently in the gold. When the twins were little, their parents had gotten them respectively initialed necklaces. Neither had ever taken it off, but one night Joel had gone to sleep and awakened without it around his neck. That was the last time he had seen it.
Confused, he looks around for a card, or anything resembling one, explaining the origin of the package, but no such thing is present.
“I pawned it,” a voice jolts Joel from his thoughts. “Or I was going to. I needed the money.”
Gasping, Joel slowly rises himself to his feet. There stands Benji, his brother. The same one who killed himself and the same one who wrote him a letter from the dead, explaining that everything he thought was true held the one-eighty. Blinking, mouth agape, he can’t help but stare and can’t do anything but.
“I found yours on the floor a few days later. The clasp was broken,” he continues, purposely not meeting Joel’s eyes. “I figured that you had already thought you’d lost it, so I could get something out of it.” Joel can’t move his eyes away, can’t breathe.
“I couldn’t do it,” Benji shrugs, clearing his throat. “I don’t have the money to buy anything special, but I thought that maybe you… maybe that would be…”
Watching as Benji babbles on, Joel purses his lips. The words struggling to find their way from his brother’s lips, he finally works up the courage to emote his own.
“I… Benj…” he begins, voice cracking. “I… thanks…”
Shocked tears well in his eyes and he’s relieved when Benji finally meets his. Tears flowing freely, he stumbles forward, Benji meeting him more than halfway as he wraps his arms around him tightly. Choking back a sob himself, Benji holds up Joel’s weight as he collapses against him, grasping for his twin. Long, pained wails escape Joel’s throat and Benji seals his eyes shut, concentrating on his breathing which has since quickened.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, quickly becoming drained. “Joel, I’m so fucking sorry…”
In response, Joel shakes his head in his chest, his fingers entangling themselves further in his brother’s thin shirt. Benji, being the older of the two, rubs his palm in a circular motion between his shoulder blades. Hiccups escape Joel’s throat and soon he’s left gasping for air as he begins to hyperventilate.
“Shhh,” Benji bites his lip, pulling away from his brother slightly, though Joel claws at him to draw him close again. “Joel, buddy, you have to calm down. Breathe… breathe…”
Joel continues to scramble to close the distance, and Benji realizes that upsetting him in such a way isn’t making the situation any better. Drawing him back to his chest, Benji coaches him on his breathing.
“Joel, breathe,” he pleads. “In…” he mimics his own advice. “Out. In… Out.” Repeating the same instructions, Joel’s breathing finally begins to fall into a more normal pattern. Breathing soon quiet, he’s exhausted as he collapses against Benji, crying down to an occasional sniff and an odd hiccup.
“Better?” Benji murmurs, his chin resting atop his brother’s hair, now cold from the winter chill. Joel nods. Pursing his lips, Benji draws back to meet Joel’s eyes.
“I’m sorry, Benj,” he whispers, glancing away.
“Joel, if anyone should be sorry, it’s me,” Benji shakes his head. Licking his lips, Joel meets Benji’s eyes again.
“I missed you,” he whispers, in awe of the sight before him. He knew that Benji was alive, true, but after thinking he had killed himself for so long… it’s still surreal. Benji nods.
“Well, we might as well go in,” Benji offers Joel a hopeful smile, the cold long since having numbed his entire body.
“Yeah, of course,” Joel nods, pushing open the door. He lets Benji ramble in before patting the small box Benji had given him in his pocket.
Upon closing the door, Joel watches as Benji looks about the living room of the apartment, suddenly feeling conscious about its state. The blankets on the couch lay in a jumble, the light of the television blaring over the landscape of the cramped room. A small pile of empty beer cans lie beneath the end table and a pack of cigarettes sit atop.
“Welcome home,” Joel breathes with a slight smile.
“Thanks,” Benji flashes him one of the thousand-megawatt smiles Joel had missed so much. An awkward silence sets in as Benji’s eyes continue to sweep the scene, Joel finally breaking the silence by clearing his throat.
“I haven’t touched your room since… since you left,” he offers shyly. Benji looks at him.
“Billy took my room, I’ve been on the couch,” he continues.
“Why?” Benji asks, furrowing his eyebrows. Joel shrugs.
“Well, thanks,” Benji nods.
“No problem,” Joel says. “I… God, Benj, I’m just so fucking happy you came back. I was going to come find you, but I was worried… I don‘t know what I was worried about, actually. But I just, I missed you so much and I…”
“I missed you too, Joel,” Benji offers a half smile. “And I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry and it was so stupid. So stupid, I fucking missed you to fucking death and I… Joel, you have to know that I’m sorry. If I could go back I would.”
“I know Benj,” tears start to well in Joel’s eyes once again as his twin squeezes his shoulder.
“Anyway, I couldn’t leave you alone on Christmas,” Benji continues. “And today… all I could think about was that night.”
“Me too,” Joel swallows.
“I guess I’ve shut a lot of that night out,” Benji narrows his eyes in thought. “All I remember from that night was Mom and Dad arguing… Dad slamming the door. Mom crying and how we tried to calm her down, but she just left. Then just us. I remember just us.”
“Yeah,” Joel purses his lips. “It was just us. It’s like… I kept thinking about what had happened at different times throughout the day. Like now… now we were in our room.”
“Laying there,” Benji adds. “I remember putting our beds together.”
“And we were both scared as shit, but you told me that everything would be okay.”
“Like I knew,” Benji snorts.
“I believed you,” Joel licks his lips, staring at his twin. Benji meets his brothers eyes and smiles. The corners of his lips upturning awkwardly, Joel reaches around his brother’s neck. Benji looks at him, confused as Joel fumbles with his brother’s necklace, the one identical to his, as he undoes the clasp.
He offers Benji a half smile, fastening it around his own neck before offering Benji his own.
“Joel…” he begins, eyebrows furrowed.
“I’m wearing yours,” he explains. “That way, you can’t leave me again.”
“I’m not going to leave you Joel,” Benji insists, though he fastens Joel’s necklace around his own neck anyway.
Joel yawns tiredly as he sits on the couch, clearing a spot for his brother around the blankets. Benji takes a spot, close to Joel and sighs.
“How about we get some sleep? We can talk more in the morning,” he suggests, Joel nodding, reluctant, but too tired to put up much of a fight.
“Stay with me?” Joel asks, big brown eyes looking to his twin questioningly. Benji nods warmly, scooting to allow Joel room before reaching an arm around him. Joel leans against his brother, snuggling into his hold.
“It’s snowing, Joel,” Benji murmurs. Joel nods sleepily, snuggling further into his brother’s warmth. Benji smiles as Joel’s breathing evens out. Things may not be perfect, but it’s going to get better.
And this time, he’ll stick around to see it out.