Caged, Chapter Two
Title: Caged
Rating: PG-13
Centric: Twins
Status: In Progress
Summary: Convicted of murder, Benji pleads his innocence. In the eyes of the state, the jury and even his own twin, however, he deserves twenty-five to life. How does Joel react when his brother’s innocence is proven and he’s forced to face the fact that he was horribly wrong?
The rest of the day is a blur. I remember Josh saying something about me coming over tonight, that Benji would be there and they were throwing him the biggest celebration the state of Maryland had ever seen. But what is there to celebrate, really? I didn’t believe my own brother when he insisted he was completely innocent. I ignored my own twin for fourteen months, which could easily have become fifteen, twenty-five years depending on his sentence.
That day at the jail… I just walked out on him. I was supposed to believe him, I should have believed him. I knew that he could never kill someone, that he wouldn’t lie to me about something like that. I… what would I even say to him? Whose to say he has anything to say to me? I’m worthless, I deserve nothing at this point. I’m drowning in regret and self-pity, but that’s okay. I deserve it right now.
Shaking, I absentmindedly shift through the upper shelf in my closet. At last, my fingers graze the box I was looking for, and I pull it from the shelf, sighing as I plop down in a chair. Placing the box on the ottoman before me, I carefully remove the lid. There sit the letters, in carefully scrawled white envelopes. Swallowing, I shuffle through the letters to put them in the order they came in, the order I was meant to read them in.
Chronologically, I take the first letter in my hand and carefully slid my finger under the flap to break the seal. Closing my eyes, I pull the thin sheet of white paper out. Upon opening it, I can clearly see the prison’s yellow and blue seal in the corner. Breathing deeply, I allow my eyes to graze the words on the paper.
Joel:
I’ve been here two weeks now. I don’t know what to do, honestly, I don’t. I know you don’t believe me. I’m not used to you not believing me, but on some levels I guess I understand why. On others though… I don’t, Joel, really, I don’t. You know me better than that, you know I could never do something like this. You have to know that.
I’m starting to get scared. I had my arraignment a couple days ago and I really thought I’d see you there, but you never came. The judge… he looked at me like he was disgusted in me, like I deserve whatever I get. That scares me Joel… I’ve got a charge of second degree homicide. That’s bad, Joel, really bad.
That day you were here… I never thought you’d actually believe that I had done it. I thought you’d be on my side, fighting along with me. You weren’t, though, and I don’t know what I can say to make you believe me. I’ve never had to make you believe me before…
It’s cold here, really cold. I sleep on a cot with a hard mattress and thin pillow and blanket. Mom and Josh come to visit me every couple of days. They won’t talk about you when I ask, though. You must really hate me.
I guess I’d just be happy if you’d give me a chance… come see me? My first court date is the first of next month… I’ve never been so scared in my life.
- Benj.
Hands shaking, I turn my attention to the second letter.
Joel:
It’s been four months now, and I still haven‘t heard from you. I guess you probably heard… the maximum sentence could be life in prison. Life… I’m only nineteen. Life in prison for something I didn’t even do. No one believes me though, I’m not even sure my lawyer does completely. Mom and Josh… I know they want to believe me, but I can tell that part of them is wondering.
I… Joel, seriously. Seriously, bro. You know me. You know me… you know me well enough, at least, to know I could never do something like this. I’m off the drugs. Maybe it wasn’t completely by choice, but I know it needed to happen and, after I got past the withdrawals, it turned out to be for the best.
I fucking miss you. I’m trying to be patient but I just don’t get it. I don’t, Joel. If you were ever in my place and if even if I knew with all my heart that you were guilty, I’d be there with you. I’d fight for you.
I wish you’d just respond. Write me a letter, tell me how much you hate me… come see me and tell it to my face. Whichever, Joel. It’ll be better than this.
-Benji.
Tears now freely rolling down my face, I turns my focus to the final letter, one dated with our birth date in the upper right corner.
Joel:
So I guess it’s pretty obvious what day it is, the day of our twentieth birthday. I never thought I’d spend a birthday away from you, let alone by myself. But it’s 11:54, the day almost gone, and I’m all alone.
This whole thing has been so surreal to me. It’s so… impossible. So impossible to comprehend. Christmas has come and gone, and everyone came to see me. Except for you. I don’t get it, Joel. Fuck you.
Would it really be that hard? Just to write me? Would it really kill you? I’ve waited so long, the mail coming everyday and still nothing. You don’t care anymore; I see that. But you could at least act like it.
I… I won’t bug you anymore, Joel. It’s obvious that every letter has been some big inconvenience to you, the five minutes it would take you to write back even more so. Haven’t you ever thought about what you’re doing to me?
We’re twins. You’re half of me, you are half of what I am and you don’t want shit to do with me for something I didn’t even do. You hate me for something like that? I didn’t kill that guy. I really don’t understand why you don’t know that, why you don‘t believe me. But I can’t make you believe me.
So I guess all I can really do is tell you happy birthday. I hope you had a great fucking day.
-Benj.
My eyelids squeeze shut, the tears inviting themselves through despite. My God… my God. I hate who I’ve been, what I’ve done. Everything that’s I’ve done in the past several months loans itself to criticism. And I decimate it.
Miserably, I flip past another channel on the TV. It’s 8:30, nearly nine hours since I laid down on the couch, and I’ve barely moved a muscle. I’ve become comfortable in the warmth of the blanket and notched my own little spot in the cushions in which I’ve sunk in.
Josh hasn’t called yet, though the party was supposed to start at six. My twin brother is free, yet I lay alone in this abandoned apartment. The right thing to do would be to go over there and apologize, but I can’t. I’m scared… I’m scared of him rejecting me. I know that, if he is in his right mind in the least bit, he’ll push me away and tell me he never wants to see me again. I know he’d have every right to do that… but still. It’s Benji.
Sighing, I lean my head back on the armrest of the couch. My mind is racing with ideas of how I can make this work, but no ideas seem to come. I can’t work up the nerve to go see him, but I know I can’t just sit here and act like he doesn’t exist. The longer I go, the harder it gets. Maybe I should have thought about that fourteen months ago.
A sudden, shrill noise cutting through the air causes me to jump, the remote to the TV jumping from my stomach to the floor.
“Shit,” I whisper under my breath, reaching for the telephone. The caller ID confirms my suspicions, and in picking it up, I cringe.
“Hello?” I ask, my voice sounding more questioning that it should.
“Joel!” Josh exclaims. “Man, where the hell are you?”
“Josh, you call my house phone and ask where I am?” I snip, not in the mood to deal with him dogging on me. My day has been shitty enough already.
“Yeah, because you said you would come,” he sighs. “So I guess the better question would be why you haven’t come, right?”
“Probably,” I mumble. “I just… can’t.”
“And why can’t you?” he pushes.
“Because, Josh,” I groan. “I just… I can’t.”
“Joel… look, bro, I know this is hard, but-” he begins.
“Hard?” I interrupt in disbelief. “Josh, he hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you,” he reassures with a sigh.
“How couldn’t he?” I exclaim. “I even hate me!”
“It’s not like it’s completely not understandable why you didn’t believe him. He was pretty messed up at the time.”
“Yeah, but I knew damn well he could never hurt anyone, let alone kill a guy,” I insist. “I just… I’m so fucking stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” he sighs. “But, Joel, sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help anyone. Especially not you.”
“I can’t face him, Josh,” my voice drops lower. “I love him so fucking much, but I can’t… I can’t if he hates me.”
“Joel-” Josh begins again.
“No, just… I know, okay?”
“You have to come over,” he says softly.
“What’d he say?” I ask quietly, avoiding the subject, in reference to Benji.
“Not much,” Josh replies. “He asked where you were. I told him I didn’t know and he just kind of nodded.”
“Yeah,” I force a small smile even though he isn’t here to see it.
“But seriously, Joel,” he continues. “The longer you go without talking to him the worst it’s going to be.”
“I know” I snap. “You think I don’t know that? Of course I know that, it’s been fourteen months, how much harder can it get?”
“Well, now you don’t have an excuse. Now you know that he’s innocent and you know you can go see him, so you can’t write it off like that anymore. You can’t just write him off.”
“I haven’t written him off,” I bark. “If I had written him off I wouldn’t be so miserable right now.”
“Look, Joel, you aren’t going to be any good to anyone if you just stay there and feel sorry for yourself. You’re probably just overly-hyping everything in your head. If you just give it a shot, I’m sure it won’t be so bad. He missed you too, you know.”
“Right,” I snort.
“Well, look. I’m coming to pick you up, okay? You better be ready.” I close my eyes.
“Josh…” I start, my tone not exactly happy.
“I’m coming,” he snaps. “I have to get some of the stuff you have of his, anyway.” I can’t argue with that. I got the pick of his stuff when I moved out. It wasn’t like he was going to need it in jail, anyway.
“Sure, fine, whatever,” I roll my eyes. “Get his stuff, but I’m not going over there.”
“We’ll see.” His tone is slightly condescending, rubbing me the wrong way.
“Josh-” I start again.
“I’ll be there in half an hour or so. Bye.” And with a premature click sounds, before introducing me to the dial tone. “Joel, it’ll be fine,” I coach, keeping eye contact with my reflection in the mirror. “It’s not going to be as bad as you think.” Sighing, I try to style my hair after grabbing a quick shower. Taking a huge glob of hair gel, I run my hand through it and style it meticulously.
Wiping my sweaty palms on my pants, I give myself a once over. I chose the only pair of jeans that don’t fit in the “hand-me down” category and a nice blue collared shirt. It’s not something I would wear everyday, but today isn’t exactly everyday. It’s more important than that.
Rating: PG-13
Centric: Twins
Status: In Progress
Summary: Convicted of murder, Benji pleads his innocence. In the eyes of the state, the jury and even his own twin, however, he deserves twenty-five to life. How does Joel react when his brother’s innocence is proven and he’s forced to face the fact that he was horribly wrong?
The rest of the day is a blur. I remember Josh saying something about me coming over tonight, that Benji would be there and they were throwing him the biggest celebration the state of Maryland had ever seen. But what is there to celebrate, really? I didn’t believe my own brother when he insisted he was completely innocent. I ignored my own twin for fourteen months, which could easily have become fifteen, twenty-five years depending on his sentence.
That day at the jail… I just walked out on him. I was supposed to believe him, I should have believed him. I knew that he could never kill someone, that he wouldn’t lie to me about something like that. I… what would I even say to him? Whose to say he has anything to say to me? I’m worthless, I deserve nothing at this point. I’m drowning in regret and self-pity, but that’s okay. I deserve it right now.
Shaking, I absentmindedly shift through the upper shelf in my closet. At last, my fingers graze the box I was looking for, and I pull it from the shelf, sighing as I plop down in a chair. Placing the box on the ottoman before me, I carefully remove the lid. There sit the letters, in carefully scrawled white envelopes. Swallowing, I shuffle through the letters to put them in the order they came in, the order I was meant to read them in.
Chronologically, I take the first letter in my hand and carefully slid my finger under the flap to break the seal. Closing my eyes, I pull the thin sheet of white paper out. Upon opening it, I can clearly see the prison’s yellow and blue seal in the corner. Breathing deeply, I allow my eyes to graze the words on the paper.
Joel:
I’ve been here two weeks now. I don’t know what to do, honestly, I don’t. I know you don’t believe me. I’m not used to you not believing me, but on some levels I guess I understand why. On others though… I don’t, Joel, really, I don’t. You know me better than that, you know I could never do something like this. You have to know that.
I’m starting to get scared. I had my arraignment a couple days ago and I really thought I’d see you there, but you never came. The judge… he looked at me like he was disgusted in me, like I deserve whatever I get. That scares me Joel… I’ve got a charge of second degree homicide. That’s bad, Joel, really bad.
That day you were here… I never thought you’d actually believe that I had done it. I thought you’d be on my side, fighting along with me. You weren’t, though, and I don’t know what I can say to make you believe me. I’ve never had to make you believe me before…
It’s cold here, really cold. I sleep on a cot with a hard mattress and thin pillow and blanket. Mom and Josh come to visit me every couple of days. They won’t talk about you when I ask, though. You must really hate me.
I guess I’d just be happy if you’d give me a chance… come see me? My first court date is the first of next month… I’ve never been so scared in my life.
- Benj.
Hands shaking, I turn my attention to the second letter.
Joel:
It’s been four months now, and I still haven‘t heard from you. I guess you probably heard… the maximum sentence could be life in prison. Life… I’m only nineteen. Life in prison for something I didn’t even do. No one believes me though, I’m not even sure my lawyer does completely. Mom and Josh… I know they want to believe me, but I can tell that part of them is wondering.
I… Joel, seriously. Seriously, bro. You know me. You know me… you know me well enough, at least, to know I could never do something like this. I’m off the drugs. Maybe it wasn’t completely by choice, but I know it needed to happen and, after I got past the withdrawals, it turned out to be for the best.
I fucking miss you. I’m trying to be patient but I just don’t get it. I don’t, Joel. If you were ever in my place and if even if I knew with all my heart that you were guilty, I’d be there with you. I’d fight for you.
I wish you’d just respond. Write me a letter, tell me how much you hate me… come see me and tell it to my face. Whichever, Joel. It’ll be better than this.
-Benji.
Tears now freely rolling down my face, I turns my focus to the final letter, one dated with our birth date in the upper right corner.
Joel:
So I guess it’s pretty obvious what day it is, the day of our twentieth birthday. I never thought I’d spend a birthday away from you, let alone by myself. But it’s 11:54, the day almost gone, and I’m all alone.
This whole thing has been so surreal to me. It’s so… impossible. So impossible to comprehend. Christmas has come and gone, and everyone came to see me. Except for you. I don’t get it, Joel. Fuck you.
Would it really be that hard? Just to write me? Would it really kill you? I’ve waited so long, the mail coming everyday and still nothing. You don’t care anymore; I see that. But you could at least act like it.
I… I won’t bug you anymore, Joel. It’s obvious that every letter has been some big inconvenience to you, the five minutes it would take you to write back even more so. Haven’t you ever thought about what you’re doing to me?
We’re twins. You’re half of me, you are half of what I am and you don’t want shit to do with me for something I didn’t even do. You hate me for something like that? I didn’t kill that guy. I really don’t understand why you don’t know that, why you don‘t believe me. But I can’t make you believe me.
So I guess all I can really do is tell you happy birthday. I hope you had a great fucking day.
-Benj.
My eyelids squeeze shut, the tears inviting themselves through despite. My God… my God. I hate who I’ve been, what I’ve done. Everything that’s I’ve done in the past several months loans itself to criticism. And I decimate it.
Miserably, I flip past another channel on the TV. It’s 8:30, nearly nine hours since I laid down on the couch, and I’ve barely moved a muscle. I’ve become comfortable in the warmth of the blanket and notched my own little spot in the cushions in which I’ve sunk in.
Josh hasn’t called yet, though the party was supposed to start at six. My twin brother is free, yet I lay alone in this abandoned apartment. The right thing to do would be to go over there and apologize, but I can’t. I’m scared… I’m scared of him rejecting me. I know that, if he is in his right mind in the least bit, he’ll push me away and tell me he never wants to see me again. I know he’d have every right to do that… but still. It’s Benji.
Sighing, I lean my head back on the armrest of the couch. My mind is racing with ideas of how I can make this work, but no ideas seem to come. I can’t work up the nerve to go see him, but I know I can’t just sit here and act like he doesn’t exist. The longer I go, the harder it gets. Maybe I should have thought about that fourteen months ago.
A sudden, shrill noise cutting through the air causes me to jump, the remote to the TV jumping from my stomach to the floor.
“Shit,” I whisper under my breath, reaching for the telephone. The caller ID confirms my suspicions, and in picking it up, I cringe.
“Hello?” I ask, my voice sounding more questioning that it should.
“Joel!” Josh exclaims. “Man, where the hell are you?”
“Josh, you call my house phone and ask where I am?” I snip, not in the mood to deal with him dogging on me. My day has been shitty enough already.
“Yeah, because you said you would come,” he sighs. “So I guess the better question would be why you haven’t come, right?”
“Probably,” I mumble. “I just… can’t.”
“And why can’t you?” he pushes.
“Because, Josh,” I groan. “I just… I can’t.”
“Joel… look, bro, I know this is hard, but-” he begins.
“Hard?” I interrupt in disbelief. “Josh, he hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you,” he reassures with a sigh.
“How couldn’t he?” I exclaim. “I even hate me!”
“It’s not like it’s completely not understandable why you didn’t believe him. He was pretty messed up at the time.”
“Yeah, but I knew damn well he could never hurt anyone, let alone kill a guy,” I insist. “I just… I’m so fucking stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” he sighs. “But, Joel, sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help anyone. Especially not you.”
“I can’t face him, Josh,” my voice drops lower. “I love him so fucking much, but I can’t… I can’t if he hates me.”
“Joel-” Josh begins again.
“No, just… I know, okay?”
“You have to come over,” he says softly.
“What’d he say?” I ask quietly, avoiding the subject, in reference to Benji.
“Not much,” Josh replies. “He asked where you were. I told him I didn’t know and he just kind of nodded.”
“Yeah,” I force a small smile even though he isn’t here to see it.
“But seriously, Joel,” he continues. “The longer you go without talking to him the worst it’s going to be.”
“I know” I snap. “You think I don’t know that? Of course I know that, it’s been fourteen months, how much harder can it get?”
“Well, now you don’t have an excuse. Now you know that he’s innocent and you know you can go see him, so you can’t write it off like that anymore. You can’t just write him off.”
“I haven’t written him off,” I bark. “If I had written him off I wouldn’t be so miserable right now.”
“Look, Joel, you aren’t going to be any good to anyone if you just stay there and feel sorry for yourself. You’re probably just overly-hyping everything in your head. If you just give it a shot, I’m sure it won’t be so bad. He missed you too, you know.”
“Right,” I snort.
“Well, look. I’m coming to pick you up, okay? You better be ready.” I close my eyes.
“Josh…” I start, my tone not exactly happy.
“I’m coming,” he snaps. “I have to get some of the stuff you have of his, anyway.” I can’t argue with that. I got the pick of his stuff when I moved out. It wasn’t like he was going to need it in jail, anyway.
“Sure, fine, whatever,” I roll my eyes. “Get his stuff, but I’m not going over there.”
“We’ll see.” His tone is slightly condescending, rubbing me the wrong way.
“Josh-” I start again.
“I’ll be there in half an hour or so. Bye.” And with a premature click sounds, before introducing me to the dial tone. “Joel, it’ll be fine,” I coach, keeping eye contact with my reflection in the mirror. “It’s not going to be as bad as you think.” Sighing, I try to style my hair after grabbing a quick shower. Taking a huge glob of hair gel, I run my hand through it and style it meticulously.
Wiping my sweaty palms on my pants, I give myself a once over. I chose the only pair of jeans that don’t fit in the “hand-me down” category and a nice blue collared shirt. It’s not something I would wear everyday, but today isn’t exactly everyday. It’s more important than that.