more than i can be
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
Yunho is the sweetest man on the planet.
He’s kind. Caring. Compassionate. Anything you would think of the perfect person being. And he’s so much more.
Despite what the camera might show, he’s everything.
It’s obvious. Changmin knows, and he watches and his heart feels so full it might burst. He watches as Yunho sits down beside Ye Eun. Watches as he holds her hands, talks to her in a voice so patient and gentle it almost breaks him.
“Minah.” JaeJoong nudges his shoulder, gaze concerned until he follows with his eyes, and then he smiles.
“Ahh. Yunhoah.” He sighs fondly, spoon resting lightly against his lips. “So good with kids.”
“Mm.” Changmin nods absently, and JaeJoong shuffles closer.
“He doesn’t hold it against you, Minah.” His voice is light enough so that nobody else will overhear. Junsu laughs loudly and Changmin looks over to see his arm wrapped around Yoochun’s neck, perfectly happy.
Always happy. They never wanted kids.
“I know,” Changmin mumbles, almost reluctantly. “But he’s so happy.”
JaeJoong grins, just barely, and pokes his cheek.
“He’s happy with you, Minah.”
Changmin tries not to smile, but it’s impossible when Yunho is laughing and the warmth is tingling along his nerves again.
“There it is.” JaeJoong nods, satisfied, and then sighs, placing his hands on his hips. “Now, help me find the cooking oil. We’re not getting anywhere.”
//
Changmin’s good at covering it up.
He doesn’t show it, doesn’t let Yunho see the way that his heart constricts and doesn’t want to release again all through dinner. He tries not to stare too hard at the way that Yunho’s feeding her. He looks so happy.
It doesn’t slip, not even when Ye Eun is running her hands over Yunho’s face and he holds onto her hands for just a beat too long before they leave.
Changmin swallows hard, and feels Yunho’s arm around his waist as they walk back towards the hotel, fingers slipping into his back pocket.
A kiss pressed against the side of his head, and he tries not to cry.
“You okay, baby?” Yunho’s voice is soft, eyes concerned as he leans forwards slightly, trying to see Changmin’s expression. Changmin tilts his head back slightly, giving half a smile that melts Yunho’s heart.
“Fine. Just tired.”
He leans into Yunho as much as he can while walking, and feels Yunho’s hold on him tighten.
He glances back once.
“She’s really amazing, isn’t she?”
“Mm.” Changmin hums in agreement, and Yunho doesn’t say anything else.
//
A week later, Changmin feels his heart breaking all over again.
He can’t really help it. Ye Eun looks so pretty in her red dress, and Yunho looks beautiful watching her. Gentle. Patient. Everything.
He’s more than conscious of the way Yunho sings. So softly, voice fading when she starts and he can’t look away.
He wants to. He doesn’t. So, so happy.
It’s an effort to force down the lump in his throat, to focus on the little girl in front of him as he sings the last verse. He sings it directly to Yunho, whether the older man realizes it or not.
And then it’s over, and he watches as Yunho picks her up without even a moment’s hesitation.
He can see the amazement in his eyes. The love. And he makes a silent decision that he hopes will never fade.
//
Years later, and they’re together, anxiously in the waiting room of the hospital.
Such a long process. Applying and filling out paperwork and meeting with couple after couple and finally everything was solidified. Finally everything worked out, and now they’re going to have their own little girl straight from birth.
Changmin is shaking slightly, and Yunho can’t stop pacing.
It feels like hours before the doctor finally comes out of the room and lets them in. Changmin swears he sees tears in Yunho’s eyes whenever they let him see her. Hold her. And her mother is smiling the whole time though her own tears. It’s the right decision, and she knows it the moment she sees Yunho’s expression.
He names her Hanuel, because she’s everything he imagines heaven could ever look like.
They’re back at the same hospital a week later.
“I don’t understand,” Changmin tells the doctor in a soft voice, fingers stroking against her cheek lightly. “It’s like she can’t focus on anything, even if she tries.”
It’s obvious, really. More than that, and when the doctor finally turns to them with a serious expression, Changmin’s half expecting it.
“She can’t see,” he whispers gently, and Yunho stares at him.
“She’s blind.”
//
The years pass, difficult at first, but easier as it goes along.
The others are more than willing to help, and it isn’t uncommon for Jae to appear on a rainy afternoon because he’s itching to cook a big meal, or for Yoochun and Junsu to come sit in their living room floor, laughing and playing for a few hours.
Changmin leans against the wall, watching as Yoochun pulls Hanuel into his lap in front of the keyboard, lets her feel the keys and guides her fingers to make melodies.
Yunho’s arms circle around his waist, warm, and he smiles, leaning back into the touch.
“Reminds you of Ye Eun, doesn’t it?” he murmurs gently, feeling a tug in his heart at the small memory. The little girl who made him realize what he wanted.
“Nah. Hanuel’s different,” Yunho whispers into his neck.
Changmin laughs lightly and is just about to ask him how when a familiar chord makes the both of them freeze.
Yoochun’s voice, low and smooth and Yunho knows he’s heard this song before.
Changmin’s fingers slide over his own, squeezing slightly, and he closes his eyes whenever he hears her little voice joining in. Trying. Completely tone deaf, but it doesn’t matter.
His heart is breaking all over again, but he smiles whenever Yunho sings along into his ear, softly, and rocks them back and forth.
He’s sure then that this is the best decision he’s ever made, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. Either of them.
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
Yunho is the sweetest man on the planet.
He’s kind. Caring. Compassionate. Anything you would think of the perfect person being. And he’s so much more.
Despite what the camera might show, he’s everything.
It’s obvious. Changmin knows, and he watches and his heart feels so full it might burst. He watches as Yunho sits down beside Ye Eun. Watches as he holds her hands, talks to her in a voice so patient and gentle it almost breaks him.
“Minah.” JaeJoong nudges his shoulder, gaze concerned until he follows with his eyes, and then he smiles.
“Ahh. Yunhoah.” He sighs fondly, spoon resting lightly against his lips. “So good with kids.”
“Mm.” Changmin nods absently, and JaeJoong shuffles closer.
“He doesn’t hold it against you, Minah.” His voice is light enough so that nobody else will overhear. Junsu laughs loudly and Changmin looks over to see his arm wrapped around Yoochun’s neck, perfectly happy.
Always happy. They never wanted kids.
“I know,” Changmin mumbles, almost reluctantly. “But he’s so happy.”
JaeJoong grins, just barely, and pokes his cheek.
“He’s happy with you, Minah.”
Changmin tries not to smile, but it’s impossible when Yunho is laughing and the warmth is tingling along his nerves again.
“There it is.” JaeJoong nods, satisfied, and then sighs, placing his hands on his hips. “Now, help me find the cooking oil. We’re not getting anywhere.”
//
Changmin’s good at covering it up.
He doesn’t show it, doesn’t let Yunho see the way that his heart constricts and doesn’t want to release again all through dinner. He tries not to stare too hard at the way that Yunho’s feeding her. He looks so happy.
It doesn’t slip, not even when Ye Eun is running her hands over Yunho’s face and he holds onto her hands for just a beat too long before they leave.
Changmin swallows hard, and feels Yunho’s arm around his waist as they walk back towards the hotel, fingers slipping into his back pocket.
A kiss pressed against the side of his head, and he tries not to cry.
“You okay, baby?” Yunho’s voice is soft, eyes concerned as he leans forwards slightly, trying to see Changmin’s expression. Changmin tilts his head back slightly, giving half a smile that melts Yunho’s heart.
“Fine. Just tired.”
He leans into Yunho as much as he can while walking, and feels Yunho’s hold on him tighten.
He glances back once.
“She’s really amazing, isn’t she?”
“Mm.” Changmin hums in agreement, and Yunho doesn’t say anything else.
//
A week later, Changmin feels his heart breaking all over again.
He can’t really help it. Ye Eun looks so pretty in her red dress, and Yunho looks beautiful watching her. Gentle. Patient. Everything.
He’s more than conscious of the way Yunho sings. So softly, voice fading when she starts and he can’t look away.
He wants to. He doesn’t. So, so happy.
It’s an effort to force down the lump in his throat, to focus on the little girl in front of him as he sings the last verse. He sings it directly to Yunho, whether the older man realizes it or not.
And then it’s over, and he watches as Yunho picks her up without even a moment’s hesitation.
He can see the amazement in his eyes. The love. And he makes a silent decision that he hopes will never fade.
//
Years later, and they’re together, anxiously in the waiting room of the hospital.
Such a long process. Applying and filling out paperwork and meeting with couple after couple and finally everything was solidified. Finally everything worked out, and now they’re going to have their own little girl straight from birth.
Changmin is shaking slightly, and Yunho can’t stop pacing.
It feels like hours before the doctor finally comes out of the room and lets them in. Changmin swears he sees tears in Yunho’s eyes whenever they let him see her. Hold her. And her mother is smiling the whole time though her own tears. It’s the right decision, and she knows it the moment she sees Yunho’s expression.
He names her Hanuel, because she’s everything he imagines heaven could ever look like.
They’re back at the same hospital a week later.
“I don’t understand,” Changmin tells the doctor in a soft voice, fingers stroking against her cheek lightly. “It’s like she can’t focus on anything, even if she tries.”
It’s obvious, really. More than that, and when the doctor finally turns to them with a serious expression, Changmin’s half expecting it.
“She can’t see,” he whispers gently, and Yunho stares at him.
“She’s blind.”
//
The years pass, difficult at first, but easier as it goes along.
The others are more than willing to help, and it isn’t uncommon for Jae to appear on a rainy afternoon because he’s itching to cook a big meal, or for Yoochun and Junsu to come sit in their living room floor, laughing and playing for a few hours.
Changmin leans against the wall, watching as Yoochun pulls Hanuel into his lap in front of the keyboard, lets her feel the keys and guides her fingers to make melodies.
Yunho’s arms circle around his waist, warm, and he smiles, leaning back into the touch.
“Reminds you of Ye Eun, doesn’t it?” he murmurs gently, feeling a tug in his heart at the small memory. The little girl who made him realize what he wanted.
“Nah. Hanuel’s different,” Yunho whispers into his neck.
Changmin laughs lightly and is just about to ask him how when a familiar chord makes the both of them freeze.
Yoochun’s voice, low and smooth and Yunho knows he’s heard this song before.
Changmin’s fingers slide over his own, squeezing slightly, and he closes his eyes whenever he hears her little voice joining in. Trying. Completely tone deaf, but it doesn’t matter.
His heart is breaking all over again, but he smiles whenever Yunho sings along into his ear, softly, and rocks them back and forth.
He’s sure then that this is the best decision he’s ever made, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. Either of them.
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.