snake skin pt i; jaejoong/jonghyun, jonghyun/key
Snake Skin
Jaejoong/Jonghyun, Jonghyun/Key, Jaejoong/Yoochun
NC-17; 10,975 w.
It was an accident the first time Jonghyun saw Jaejoong naked. He never would have imagined the consequences
It was an accident the first time Jonghyun saw Jaejoong naked. He’d been wandering around backstage, toweling his hair and winding down from their post-performance high, when he first heard the muffled moans coming from the dressing room.
In his exhaustion, he thought someone had gotten hurt. It wasn’t until he was about to open the door that he heard Jaejoong’s voice groan, “Shut up. Do you want to get us caught?”
Jonghyun heard it then: the slick sound of skin slapping against skin, the harsh pants of someone other than Jaejoong.
He flushed. Jonghyun was no stranger to sex, but it was a little bit awkward to listen to his sunbae having sex with a girl.
Before he could stop himself, his curiosity got the best of him, and he carefully opened the door. He’d opened it no more than a few centimeters, but it was enough for Jonghyun to see Jaejoong, his narrow hips moving back and forth, thrusting into someone who was bent over the vanity.
Jonghyun’s eyes bore into their point of connection, barely visible from his vantage point. Jaejoong’s testicles were only a few shades darker than his skin, and beneath them Jonghyun could see-
He froze, eyes wide in shock. Jaejoong was having sex with another man! He thought he was probably imagining the other pair; surely his view point distorted the actual image.
Jaejoong dispelled his thoughts with the moan of a name, barely audible over the steady slap of skin.
“Yoochun,” he breathed.
If Jonghyun had been surprised by the revelation that Jaejoong was gay, he was in absolute shock at the fact that both Jaejoong and Yoochun were gay, and they were together.
Jonghyun had only ever been with one girl before, and it had been awkward and unpleasant, and Jonghyun had finished embarrassingly fast. She had told him afterward that he was the worst lay she’d ever had, which cracked Jonghyun’s ego twice: he was neither a smoother charmer for getting her into bed (she’d been too easy to persuade, he thought afterward) or particularly good in bed.
He’d never imagined two guys could ever-and enjoy it! But now that he thought about it, they were older, much more experienced, and it wasn’t like Jonghyun knew what it was like with a guy; it could be better than a girl, for all he knew.
His thoughts were interrupted by Yoochun’s almost embarrassingly loud moan. He saw Jaejoong reach out and cover Yoochun’s mouth as his hips moved faster, and the slapping sound became louder and quicker in tempo.
Jonghyun’s eyes followed what he could see of their coupling. For a moment, he imagined himself bent over the vanity and how Jaejoong’s cock would feel, sliding in and out of him wetly.
He jerked away in surprise; he had not just been fantasizing about Jaejoong! He walked away in a daze, painfully aware of his raging erection.
As soon as he could, he ducked into a closet. Leaning against the door, he unfastened his pants and reached in to pull out his cock almost mechanically. Jonghyun curled into himself as his hand jerked roughly over his flesh.
An image of Jaejoong rose uninhibited in his mind, but he was too far-gone to stop himself, or demonstrate the proper amount of disgust at being attracted to another man. All he could think of was the planes of smooth flesh and Jaejoong’s jerky, yet fluid movements, of how Jaejoong’s body would slide against his, slick with sweat and rough and dirty-
And then Jaejoong was around him, body curling into his, his hot skin molded into Jonghyun’s, and he was moaning breathlessly, a chant of Jonghyun’s name and ohyesyesplease!
Jonghyun came with a garbled sound in his throat, spilling heavily into his palm. It might have sounded something like Jaejoong’s name, but he would never admit it.
All of a sudden, Jonghyun was disgusted with himself. He wasn’t gay; it was just his natural reaction to sex. Maybe it was the smell, the musk of two bodies sliding together, of Jaejoong-
He sobbed then, body sliding down the door with his hand still curled around his cock. He had never felt so ashamed.
--
He immediately tried to dispel the notion that he was gay. Jonghyun was straight! He liked girls with their soft curves and gentle voices and how they felt beneath his hands.
So in the dead of night, when he was sure no one else was awake, Jonghyun took his laptop to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He was still a teenage boy, after all. If he was caught, the others had to understand.
He propped himself against the bathtub, hand curled around his limp cock and turned on the video. It was muted, but the images were graphic enough: a woman straddling a male, his abnormally large cock pushing in and out of her. But Jonghyun was not watching the bouncing of her breasts or the folds of her vagina; he was watching the cock moving inside her and the strong hands that guided her hips in their rocking motion.
He fumbled with his ear buds. Surely he just needed to hear it! But once Jonghyun turned on the sounds, he found himself annoyed with the woman’s exaggerated moans and uninhibited shrieks and instead focusing on the man’s quiet sounds: a small occasional moan, soft panting, a ragged cry of her name.
And Jonghyun started to hear Jaejoong’s smooth voice again, his breathless cries of Jonghyun’s name, the slick sound of skin on skin.
“Fuck,” Jonghyun cursed, and he shoved away his laptop.
His hands curled into his hair and tugged sharply. He was gay, wasn’t he? A fucking faggot. How could this happen to him! They’d be ruined, all because of something he couldn’t control.
He thought of Jaejoong again, and his relief briefly overcame his irritation. He and Yoochun were together, weren’t they? And they were okay. They were more than ok. The shining stars of Korea, weren’t they? Gods rising from the east?
He immediately felt better. They’d be alright too. He’d be alright. No one had to know.
--
Jonghyun decided to test it on Kibum. If anyone would understand, it’d be Kibum. Kibum was eccentric and colorful, girly even. And they were best friends, weren’t they? Just like-
Just like Jaejoong and Yoochun. It was only half the reason it had to be him.
They’d been sitting at the table eating breakfast, and Kibum had been talking about something or other. In fact, he wouldn’t stop. So Jonghyun leaned over, grabbed Kibum’s face, and planted a kiss on Kibum’s mouth.
They’d all stared at him incredulously for several long moments. And then Kibum furiously wiped his mouth with his arm.
“What the hell?!” Kibum cried indignantly, looking vaguely horrified.
“You wouldn’t shut up,” Jonghyun said easily, the words falling off his tongue like acid.
“That crosses the line,” Kibum sneered. “I’m not a fag.”
Kibum could not have been more obvious. The message was clear.
“It didn’t mean anything,” Jonghyun assured, though it really did. “If I had known you’d be like this, I wouldn’t have done it.” And it was true. He thought Kibum would understand.
Kibum let it go, but Jonghyun wouldn’t-couldn’t- forget. Kibum had been disgusted, but Jonghyun had liked it.
--
“I know you may not think I’m a very good leader,” Jinki said. “But I notice things.”
“Okay,” Jonghyun acknowledged coolly, though inside he was burning with unease.
“You kissed Kibum,” Jinki said frankly.
Jonghyun’s heart dropped. “So? It was just a joke.” Just a lie, his mind chanted.
So maybe it wasn’t okay. Maybe he couldn’t keep his secret. He wondered if Jaejoong and Yoochun were exclusive to their group.
“It wasn’t,” Jinki insisted.
Jinki was right; Jonghyun had never thought Jinki was this perceptive. Maybe telling him wouldn’t be so bad; it was Jinki after all. He was incapable of hate.
“No,” Jonghyun admitted reluctantly. “It wasn’t.”
“It’s okay,” Jinki said tactfully, albeit somewhat awkwardly. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re gay.”
Jonghyun knew it was coming, but he still couldn’t prevent his heart from freezing.
“Is it?” Jonghyun murmured. “I don’t think it is.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Jinki insisted. “It doesn’t make you a bad person, or anything. I mean-you’re no different from the rest of us.”
“Yeah, except that whole ‘socially unaccepted’ part,” Jonghyun snapped.
Jinki winced. “I’m not going to tell anyone,” he said quietly. “I just want you to know you’re not alone.” He quickly backtracked once he realized how his sentence could be construed. “I mean-I’m here for you, if you need to talk, or something. Yeah.”
Jonghyun was actually a little grateful, and more than a little relieved, though he’d never admit it.
“Yeah, okay.”
--
Jonghyun saw Jaejoong naked again, nearly two months after the first time. It had been post-performance again, and Jonghyun had been two exhilarated to notice he was in the wrong hallway. He’d opened the door to what he thought was their own dressing room, then stood frozen in the doorway.
Jaejoong’s back was turned to him, and he was clearly in the middle of undressing. Jonghyun could see every stretch of skin, every smoothly-muscled plane of his back, and the ink carved into his skin, painting beauty and loyalty and love.
Staying away from Jaejoong had almost convinced him that it was just a fluke, just a misunderstanding, but everything Jonghyun had felt before came back like a tidal wave, drowning him.
“Oh, you’re back,” Jaejoong said without turning. His hands fumbled with his pants. “Toss me those clothes, will you?”
Jonghyun stammered out an apology. “I didn’t mean to-”
Jaejoong glanced over his shoulder. “That’s okay,” he assured with a smile. “Why don’t you come in?”
Jonghyun stood frozen in place. Jaejoong chuckled and turned around. He wore only his boxer shorts (Calvin Klein, Jonghyun noted) and his easygoing smile, and Jonghyun’s couldn’t help but let his gaze wander over Jaejoong’s broad shoulders, toned abdomen, the sparsely thin trail of hair leading from his belly button down past the band of his boxers, and the muscles in his thighs.
Jaejoong’s hand fell heavily onto Jonghyun’s shoulder as he pulled Jonghyun inside the room. He urged Jonghyun toward the sofa, where a pile of clothes lay innocently.
Jaejoong snatched them up and moved away, slipping the remainder of his clothing off shamelessly.
Jonghyun could see Jaejoong’s flaccid cock resting against his thigh, and he shifted awkwardly. It was bigger than his own, but he wasn’t surprised. Jaejoong was older than him after all. His view was blocked when Jaejoong turned and slipped on his clothes.
“How are your activities?” Jaejoong asked as he dressed.
“Good,” Jonghyun replied blankly.
“Only good?”
He hesitated. “We’re having fun,” he continued.
“That’s good,” Jaejoong said as he zipped up his pants. “We’re going out to dinner,” he added. “You want to come?”
“I don’t know if I’m allowed,” Jonghyun admitted.
“I’ll speak to your manager.”
Jonghyun made a face. Jaejoong laughed.
“He won’t say no,” Jaejoong assured. “Why don’t you find your members and invite them?”
Jonghyun knew a dismissal when he heard it. “Ok,” he murmured, standing up.
Jaejoong tossed him a smile. “We’ll meet you in the back.”
--
“I saw you and Yoochun-hyung,” Jonghyun slurred into Jaejoong’s shoulder.
If he’d been in a proper mindset, he would have been appalled at his behavior. As it was, Yoochun and Jaejoong had been pushing soju on him all night, and he was too buzzed to realize what he was doing. He barely registered Jinki’s concerned glances.
“Did you?” Jaejoong asked in amusement, lifting his glass to his mouth.
Jonghyun nodded, then hiccoughed and said, “In the dressing room. Having sex.”
It was a good thing no one was paying attention to them because Jonghyun had been nothing but loud in his declaration.
“Really?” Jaejoong murmured nonchalantly, though his shoulders were suddenly stiff with tension.
“I wondered,” Jonghyun muttered thickly.
“Wondered what?”
“Wondered-I wondered what it would feel like.”
Jaejoong’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “You weren’t, say, disgusted?”
“I-at myself-I-” He hiccoughed again, and Jaejoong wrapped his arm around him comfortingly. “I don’t want to be gay,” Jonghyun half-sobbed into his shoulder. “I want to be normal.”
Jaejoong was tactfully silent.
“It’s not-not right. I’m supposed to like girls!”
“You think that because it’s been taught to you,” Jaejoong murmured softly. “But, really, does it feel wrong to you?”
Jonghyun shook his head mutely.
“No one can ever tell you who you are,” Jaejoong soothed, fingers running through Jonghyun’s messy hair. “No one can tell you who to love. Don’t try to change yourself.”
“I-I want to know,” Jonghyun hiccoughed. “Will you show me?”
There was a long pause. “Someday,” Jaejoong acquiesced.
Jonghyun nodded into Jaejoong’s shoulder. “I’m gonna be in trouble.”
“I’ll protect you,” Jaejoong assured.
“You’re a good sunbae,” Jonghyun murmured.
Jaejoong stiffened beneath him. “I suppose I am.”
--
When Jonghyun woke up to the shrill sound of his phone alarm, he threw it across the room angrily, clutching his head in despair. Jonghyun was almost disappointed. He’d half-hoped that Jaejoong would’ve taken advantage of his intoxicated state, but he was all intact, aside from his intense headache.
Then he felt disgusted at himself. Jaejoong was his sunbae! He shouldn’t be feeling this way about him. He didn’t think it odd that he wasn’t concerned with Jaejoong’s sex any longer.
His manager released a loud expletive from outside the door. “He’s not even really legal!”
Jonghyun rolled out of bed.
“That was very irresponsible, Jaejoong-sshi,” his manager continued. “Jonghyun is not old enough for your excursions. You promised you’d take care of them!”
Jonghyun nearly tripped over his feet in his haste to the door. His manager was at the end of the hall, leaning against the window.
“Is that Jaejoong-hyung?!” Jonghyun shrieked. He immediately winced and clutched his head.
His manager glanced at him sternly.
“I mean-Can I talk to him?” Jonghyun asked sheepishly.
His manager sighed, pushing himself off the glass and taking several quick strides toward Jonghyun. He handed him the phone and tapped his watch meaningfully before wandering away.
Jonghyun tentatively brought the phone to his ear.
“…Hey, hyung,” he croaked.
There was a long silence. Jonghyun pulled the phone away from his ear to stare at the screen. He was still on the line.
“…Hey, kid,” Jaejoong said eventually.
Jonghyun’s cheeks flushed. Kid? Was that all he was?
“How’s your head?” he continued.
Jonghyun made a strangled noised in his throat.
“Sorry about that,” Jaejoong said, and he really did sound apologetic. “We shouldn’t have let you drink.”
“I’m not,” Jonghyun croaked quietly. “Sorry, I mean.”
Jaejoong didn’t say anything.
“Are you going to stick to your word?” Jonghyun asked eventually.
His manager wandered back down the hall with a glass of water. He handed it to Jonghyun and slipped two pills into Jonghyun’s palm, watching him with a critical eye.
Jonghyun’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment, cradling the phone between his cheek and shoulder as he swallowed the pills.
“What word?” Jaejoong murmured.
Jonghyun handed the glass back to his manager, who tapped his wrist again. Shaking his head, Jonghyun switched the phone between his hands and held up the other, palm out.
He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he held up four fingers suggestively.
Jonghyun nodded, waiting for him to walk away before mumbling quietly, “You said you’d show me.”
“Someday,” Jaejoong corrected.
“You said you would.”
Jaejoong didn’t answer.
“You said you would,” Jonghyun repeated firmly.
“You’re too young,” Jaejoong said quickly, sounding embarrassed.
“Not young enough to drink, apparently.”
“I said I was sorry,” Jaejoong defended.
“Doesn’t change the fact,” Jonghyun grumbled angrily. “I’m old enough. And you said you would.”
“I didn’t think you’d remember,” Jaejoong admitted sheepishly.
“Is it because-” Jonghyun slipped back into their bedroom and glanced around quickly. “-because you’re not attracted to me?”
“…I don’t know,” Jaejoong admitted.
“You don’t know.”
“You’re too young,” Jaejoong said again.
“I’m old enough to consent,” Jonghyun insisted quietly.
“It’s a moral thing.”
“So you’d never sleep with Changmin-hyung?” he asked, moving toward their dresser.
“He’s older than you.”
“Two years,” Jonghyun pointed out, phone cradled against his cheek as he pulled out a black t-shirt.
“Which makes our gap four years,” Jaejoong argued.
“And I’m still old enough to consent.”
There was silence.
“I’m not going to sleep with you,” Jaejoong said.
“Fine,” Jonghyun snapped, staring at the wall angrily. “Maybe I’ll just go out and pick up some random-” He couldn’t say it.
“You wouldn’t do that,” Jaejoong said softly.
“You don’t know,” Jonghyun said hotly, slipping the phone into his hand. “I could.”
“You won’t,” Jaejoong said, this time louder. “Not for your first time.”
“Who said it was my first time?” he barked.
Jaejoong exhaled sharply. “This conversation is over.”
Jonghyun flushed in embarrassment. “Whatever,” he bit out angrily. “I’ll see you later, hyung.”
He hung up before he got an answer.
--
It was months before they saw each other again, and Jonghyun had become dull and lethargic when not on camera, resentful of his failed conversation with Jaejoong. They all noticed, but no one was brave enough to question why he was so disagreeable, even Kibum. He was volatile enough as it was.
When they next saw Dong Bang Shin Ki, the SHINee members collectively held their breath for the inevitable explosion. But Jonghyun was nothing if not cordial, and it was obvious who was the cause of the tension when Jonghyun completed ignored Jaejoong, who wouldn’t even look at him.
They avoided each other at all costs. At one point when they were on stage, they bumped into each other. When they realized who they’d collided with, their plastic smiles fell off their faces. There was a long moment in which they stared at each other stormily. Then, Jonghyun plastered on an even more plastic smile and hugged Jaejoong enthusiastically before skipping off.
A part of Jonghyun was disappointed in himself and his behavior. The other part was angry and embarrassed that Jaejoong had rejected him. He wasn’t a child, and he certainly wasn’t new to sex. Maybe to sex with a man, but Jonghyun knew the basic mechanics, and it generally worked in the same manner.
Somewhere in his subconscious, he thought that if he had sex with Jaejoong, the thoughts would go away, and the attraction would dissipate. He thought, maybe it’s just a phase; maybe I just need to get it out of my system.
But at the same time, he knew he was going about it the wrong way. Coercing Jaejoong would have to take time and patience, especially since Jaejoong would be busy in Japan.
He set about to apologize to him after the SM concert. He found Jaejoong backstage, resting on a sofa as he played idly with the bracelet around Yoochun’s wrist and spoke to him in soft, dulcet tones.
Jonghyun’s heart dropped. In his eagerness, he’d forgotten about Yoochun and his relationship with Jaejoong. He couldn’t come between that, and he certainly didn’t want to be responsible for a rift in their relationship.
He approached them slowly, giving them enough time to tactfully end their conversation.
“Sorry,” he murmured, bowing his head. “But could I speak to you for a moment, Jaejoong-hyung?”
Yoochun gave Jaejoong a pointed look as he slid to his feet. Jaejoong said something to him in Japanese and squeezed Yoochun’s wrist as the other man pulled away.
Jaejoong smiled and patted the spot next to him. Nervously, Jonghyun slid into the seat and wrung his hands anxiously.
“I just, um, wanted to apologize for my behavior,” he said quietly. “On the phone. It was disrespectful, and I-” He swallowed and glanced at Jaejoong. “-and I shouldn’t have tried to push you into something you didn’t want.”
Jaejoong placed a warm hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “Jonghyun-ah, I don’t want you to feel like you’re not attractive because I don’t want to have sex with you. It’s just-” Jaejoong sighed. “I don’t think it would be right for us to have sex because you’re still young and confused. There are other people you can experiment with.”
Jonghyun looked mildly horrified. “I-I couldn’t.”
“I’m sure there’s someone you trust,” Jaejoong continued.
“N-no, I-” He bit his lip. “They don’t know,” he murmured thickly, avoiding Jaejoong’s gaze. “And even if they did, they’re not okay with it.”
“You know,” Jaejoong said almost nonchalantly. “Yoochun and I, it just kind of made sense. But to the others, they didn’t understand. Yunho and Junsu anyway. Changmin really wasn’t interested in our love lives.”
“But they-they support you, don’t they?” Jonghyun asked.
“Sort of,” Jaejoong amended. “They still don’t think it’s right, but they care about us, and they want us to be happy, and as long as it doesn’t get in the way of Dong Bang Shin Ki, it’s okay.”
Jonghyun nodded at the floor. “Did you… always know?”
Jaejoong shrugged. “I noticed other guys, but I never really though much into it. Yoochun was one who wanted to try.” He glanced up and cursed. “Listen, I have to go,” he said quickly. “Give me your phone.”
Jonghyun complied quietly.
Jaejoong dialed a bunch of numbers and handed it back to Jonghyun. “Call me if you need to talk, okay?”
“Thanks, hyung,” he murmured, bowing his head.
Jaejoong smiled and patted his shoulder before jogging toward his members, who were waiting patiently at the end of the hall.
Jonghyun glanced at his phone. He nearly blushed when he read the name.
♥Jaejoongie-hyung♥
--
Jonghyun was lying on his bed, plugged into his music and tapping his foot rhythmically against the wall, when Kibum came in, an oddly blank expression on his face.
He stood up on Jinki’s bed and poked Jonghyun’s side until the older boy obligingly sat up and removed one ear bud.
“Can I come up?” Kibum asked politely.
Jonghyun frowned and shut off his mp3 player. “Since when do you ask?” he muttered, patting the space beside him.
Kibum hauled himself up and sat next to him, feet dangling off the edge.
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said quietly.
“Sure,” Jonghyun replied. “I’m listening.”
“You know, a couple weeks ago, when you kissed me?” Kibum muttered, avoiding his gaze. Jonghyun’s heart dropped. “I know you said you didn’t mean it, but did you?”
“Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun said quietly, voice caught in his throat.
Kibum continued, “I mean, I know you guys probably think I’m gay because of the way I act, but the truth is: I never thought about it before. I didn’t think that I came off that way because it was natural to me.”
“Are you-” Jonghyun paused. “Are you worried?”
Kibum glanced up at him, and Jonghyun could finally see his mouth was almost quivering.
“I started thinking about it after you kissed me,” Kibum admitted almost inaudibly, looking away. “It was only a second, but I started wondering what it would be like. And-and I’m sorry for how I reacted. I was afraid.”
“Come here,” Jonghyun said thickly, tugging Kibum into his arms.
Kibum clung back to him.
“We used to do this all the time,” Kibum murmured. “I miss this.”
Jonghyun pulled away. “Come on,” he said, tugging his blankets up. He climbed under them with Kibum, lying on their sides and facing each other.
“The truth is, Kibum-ah, I was experimenting,” Jonghyun admitted, fists curled up by his head. “I saw-I saw our hyung-deul together, having sex, and I started thinking. I couldn’t stop thinking, wondering what it would be like.”
He swallowed nervously and continued, “So I kissed you because I wanted to know if I was really gay.”
Kibum’s eyes were large and beautiful. “And?”
Jonghyun started picking at his sheets. “And it felt right,” he said. “And I tried-” He inhaled sharply. “I tried to have sex with Jaejoong-hyung.”
“Oh,” Kibum said dumbly. “Tried?”
Jonghyun laughed sadly. “He said he wouldn’t. That I was young and confused and I needed to experiment with someone else.”
“Oh,” Kibum repeated, eyes falling to the sheets. “Do you-I mean, we could try?”
Jonghyun swallowed thickly. “Do you want to?”
He paused for a moment before looking up at Jonghyun and nodding. “I trust you,” Kibum whispered.
Jonghyun slid forward carefully, touching Kibum’s waist gently. Kibum met him halfway, lips already half-parted as he kissed him.
Kibum’s lips were soft like a girl’s, but it felt nothing alike. The movements were the same, but the feeling was different, maybe because Jonghyun knew Kibum was a boy.
Once the initial awkwardness dissipated, Kibum slid his hands up and cupped Jonghyun’s face, tilting his head and parting his lips for Jonghyun’s tongue. He was pliant and at the same time aggressive, unafraid as he delved deeper into Jonghyun’s soul.
Jonghyun shifted closer, craving heat and skin. He slipped his fingers beneath the hem of Kibum’s shirt and gently stroked the skin there, hesitant.
Kibum moaned quietly, and Jonghyun’s hand froze.
He pulled away slowly, short of breath, and asked, “Is this okay?”
Kibum gripped his face and kissed him again. “I’d tell you if it wasn’t,” he replied, breath hot on Jonghyun’s lips.
Jonghyun smiled and closed the distance between them, hand sliding over Kibum’s back. Jonghyun knew then he was gay; kissing a girl had never felt like this, so raw and primal and hot. He could get lost in Kibum’s arms.
“Hey guys, did you see my-ow!” There was a loud banging noise.
They pulled apart from each other slowly. Kibum threw his head back against the pillow and sighed.
“Jinki, we’re having a moment here,” Kibum snapped.
“Sorry,” Jinki muttered sheepishly, rubbing his hip where he’d hit it against the door. “But have you guys seen my hoodie? The one with the stripes and the big…thing?”
Jonghyun glanced at Kibum, who looked extremely irritated. He bit his lip to stifle his laugh as Kibum sat up and growled down at Jinki, “You left it in the bathroom. Now go away.”
“Oh,” Jinki said blankly, finally looking up them. He smiled goofily. “Thanks.” And then he shuffled out and shut the door behind him.
Jonghyun couldn’t hold it back anymore, and he started laughing loudly. “Way to scare him off.”
Kibum flopped back down onto his back. “He’s hopeless,” Kibum lamented.
“You know, he probably knew exactly what was going on,” Jonghyun said. “He’s smarter than he acts.”
“I don’t believe you,” Kibum accused.
Jonghyun poked him in the side, pushing himself up on his elbows. He paused. “Actually, I wouldn’t believe myself either. Onew-hyung is pretty ridiculous.”
Kibum laughed and reached up to grasp Jonghyun’s upper arms. The older boy leaned down and kissed him again, softer, lips parted naturally.
“We’re still friends, right?” Kibum murmured against his lips, sliding his hand around to cup the back of Jonghyun’s neck. His eyes were half-lidded, and his lips were swollen, and Jonghyun had never seen someone so beautiful.
“Best friends,” Jonghyun assured.
“With benefits?” Kibum continued almost shyly.
Jonghyun laughed. “If that’s what you want to call it,” he said, running his fingers down Kibum’s cheek.
Kibum smiled in satisfaction. “Good.” And he pulled Jonghyun back down and kissed him.
--
Jonghyun flipped his phone around in his fingers as he sat on the sofa and waited for his hair to dry.
Is it easy for you two?
Then up to here~
Ten seconds later, his phone vibrated in his hand.
Relationships are never easy. It’s just worth it.
Jonghyun bit his lip.
Kibum and I are together.
Then up to here~
Jaejoong texted him back promptly. That’s good. You’ll do well together.
Jonghyun frowned. He couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Sure, he had Kibum, but a part of him still wondered about Jaejoong and how he would feel.
“I can see the appeal,” Kibum had said to him, resting his head on Jonghyun’s stomach. “He’s really attractive, and he’s older, and he has that kind of mysterious thing going on.”
“Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun had muttered.
“I’m just saying,” Kibum had defended. “I wouldn’t blame you if slept with him.”
Jonghyun had looked mortified. “I haven’t even slept with you!”
Kibum had grinned lasciviously. “Yet.”
I still think about it, Jonghyun typed, wondering if he was being too cryptic. Then up to here~
You shouldn’t, Jaejoong texted back. You’re with Key now.
It’s not like I can help it. And he said he was okay with it.
Then up to here~
Jonghyun waited impatiently for several minutes, but there was no reply. Finally, his stylist summoned him to finish his hair, so he tucked his phone into his pocket and tried to forget about it.
--
Jonghyun was toweling off his hair in the bathroom, wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist, when Kibum walked in with a dark expression.
“Did you need the bathroom?” Jonghyun asked.
Kibum locked the door behind him and advanced on the older boy slowly, like a predator. He pushed Jonghyun against the wall and slid against his body. Glancing at him coyly, he hooked a finger into the knot holding Jonghyun’s towel up and tugged sharply, delighting in the way the towel pooled at his feet.
He grabbed Jonghyun’s face in his hands and pulled him into a kiss as he aligned their bodies. Jonghyun fumbled to drop the towel he was holding and grabbed Kibum’s hips, pulling the other boy closer. He felt like a magnet, uncontrollably attracted to Kibum and unable to pull away.
“What brought this on?” Jonghyun murmured thickly.
Kibum trailed his fingers down Jonghyun’s chest. “I wanted to try something,” he said coyly, wrapping his fingers around Jonghyun’s length.
Jonghyun felt himself harden under Kibum’s gentle touch.
“It’s different,” Kibum mused quietly, spreading the pre-come gathered on the tip.
“Of course it’s different,” Jonghyun breathed, clenching his fists against the wall. “Key-”
Kibum smiled and slid his hand up and down slowly. “Do you mind?”
“Do I mind?” Jonghyun repeated incredulously. He moaned quietly and slid his hand around to grasp the buckle of Kibum’s belt. “Do I get to reciprocate?”
Kibum grinned. “Of course,” he cooed easily, flirtatiously, as he increased his pace.
Jonghyun fumbled with Kibum’s pants, distracted by the steady rhythm of Kibum’s hand on his cock. He released a small cry of success when he unfastened his pants and then moaned quietly as Kibum’s fingers squeezed him carefully.
He pulled Kibum’s erection out and ran his thumb over the head teasingly, delighting in the way Kibum shuddered and pressed his forehead against his chest.
“Jonghyun,” he breathed.
Jonghyun moved his free hand from Kibum’s hip and ran it through the younger boy’s hair affectionately. He grabbed a fistful and brought Kibum’s head closer to him, connecting their mouths fiercely.
Kibum reciprocated in kind, increasing the pace of his hand as he delved deeper into Jonghyun’s mouth. His lips were warm and wet and comforting, and Jonghyun just wanted to bury himself deeper, so he’d never have to let go.
“Ah,” Kibum gasped softly, pulling away suddenly. He shuddered in Jonghyun’s hands as he came, tightening the ring of his fingers until Jonghyun exhaled sharply and spilled too.
“Jonghyun,” Kibum breathed after a moment. He tilted his head for a kiss, moaning softly when Jonghyun met him halfway, tongues lethargic in their post-coital bliss.
Kibum pulled away and shot him another coy look before he lifted his hand and slowly licked the mess off his fingers experimentally.
Jonghyun groaned. “Look what you’re doing to me.”
Kibum grinned lasciviously. “Looks like you need another shower, hyung.”
--
Jonghyun was dozing on the sofa with Kibum curled up next to him when he checked his phone.
Are you still interested? This is a one-time thing.
Jonghyun stared at his phone blankly. The text was timed at two hours ago.
What are you saying? he typed. Aren’t you guys in Japan? Then up to here~
At the press of buttons, Kibum stirred next to him. “What’s going on?” he murmured thickly.
Jonghyun bit his lip and showed him Jaejoong’s text. Kibum blinked at his phone, tilting his head to the side cutely.
His phone vibrated. We’re filming a commercial. And I’m saying we do this once, and that’s it. And then you’ll drop this.
Kibum’s lips thinned. “You should go for it,” he said.
“What?”
“I mean-I’d feel better if you got it off your chest,” Kibum muttered. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re thinking about him.”
“Not when we-”
“But you think about him,” Kibum corrected. “And, I mean, you could always learn from him.”
“You’d be okay with this,” Jonghyun deadpanned. “Me being with Jaejoong-hyung for my first time with a guy.”
Kibum grinned weakly and reached up to wrap his arms around Jonghyun. “As long you make my first time worth it,” he said quietly, shyly, as he pressed a kiss to Jonghyun’s jaw. “And it’s just an experiment, right?”
“Are you sure?” Jonghyun asked.
“I trust you,” Kibum whispered, burying his face in Jonghyun’s neck. “Just make sure you come back to me in one piece.”
Jonghyun picked up his phone with shaking hands.
Alright.
Fifteen seconds later, his phone was vibrating. We’ll be outside in five minutes. Wear something incognito.
“Kibum-ah,” he whispered. “They’re coming now.”
Kibum glanced up and kissed him. “Have fun then,” he said shakily.
Jonghyun kissed him back. “Hey, Kibum-ah, I really, really like you, okay?”
He laughed softly. “I love you too.”
“I’ll be back, promise.”
Kibum held out his hand. Jonghyun linked pinkies with him, pressed their thumbs together and then leaned over to kiss Kibum again.
part ii
Jaejoong/Jonghyun, Jonghyun/Key, Jaejoong/Yoochun
NC-17; 10,975 w.
It was an accident the first time Jonghyun saw Jaejoong naked. He never would have imagined the consequences
It was an accident the first time Jonghyun saw Jaejoong naked. He’d been wandering around backstage, toweling his hair and winding down from their post-performance high, when he first heard the muffled moans coming from the dressing room.
In his exhaustion, he thought someone had gotten hurt. It wasn’t until he was about to open the door that he heard Jaejoong’s voice groan, “Shut up. Do you want to get us caught?”
Jonghyun heard it then: the slick sound of skin slapping against skin, the harsh pants of someone other than Jaejoong.
He flushed. Jonghyun was no stranger to sex, but it was a little bit awkward to listen to his sunbae having sex with a girl.
Before he could stop himself, his curiosity got the best of him, and he carefully opened the door. He’d opened it no more than a few centimeters, but it was enough for Jonghyun to see Jaejoong, his narrow hips moving back and forth, thrusting into someone who was bent over the vanity.
Jonghyun’s eyes bore into their point of connection, barely visible from his vantage point. Jaejoong’s testicles were only a few shades darker than his skin, and beneath them Jonghyun could see-
He froze, eyes wide in shock. Jaejoong was having sex with another man! He thought he was probably imagining the other pair; surely his view point distorted the actual image.
Jaejoong dispelled his thoughts with the moan of a name, barely audible over the steady slap of skin.
“Yoochun,” he breathed.
If Jonghyun had been surprised by the revelation that Jaejoong was gay, he was in absolute shock at the fact that both Jaejoong and Yoochun were gay, and they were together.
Jonghyun had only ever been with one girl before, and it had been awkward and unpleasant, and Jonghyun had finished embarrassingly fast. She had told him afterward that he was the worst lay she’d ever had, which cracked Jonghyun’s ego twice: he was neither a smoother charmer for getting her into bed (she’d been too easy to persuade, he thought afterward) or particularly good in bed.
He’d never imagined two guys could ever-and enjoy it! But now that he thought about it, they were older, much more experienced, and it wasn’t like Jonghyun knew what it was like with a guy; it could be better than a girl, for all he knew.
His thoughts were interrupted by Yoochun’s almost embarrassingly loud moan. He saw Jaejoong reach out and cover Yoochun’s mouth as his hips moved faster, and the slapping sound became louder and quicker in tempo.
Jonghyun’s eyes followed what he could see of their coupling. For a moment, he imagined himself bent over the vanity and how Jaejoong’s cock would feel, sliding in and out of him wetly.
He jerked away in surprise; he had not just been fantasizing about Jaejoong! He walked away in a daze, painfully aware of his raging erection.
As soon as he could, he ducked into a closet. Leaning against the door, he unfastened his pants and reached in to pull out his cock almost mechanically. Jonghyun curled into himself as his hand jerked roughly over his flesh.
An image of Jaejoong rose uninhibited in his mind, but he was too far-gone to stop himself, or demonstrate the proper amount of disgust at being attracted to another man. All he could think of was the planes of smooth flesh and Jaejoong’s jerky, yet fluid movements, of how Jaejoong’s body would slide against his, slick with sweat and rough and dirty-
And then Jaejoong was around him, body curling into his, his hot skin molded into Jonghyun’s, and he was moaning breathlessly, a chant of Jonghyun’s name and ohyesyesplease!
Jonghyun came with a garbled sound in his throat, spilling heavily into his palm. It might have sounded something like Jaejoong’s name, but he would never admit it.
All of a sudden, Jonghyun was disgusted with himself. He wasn’t gay; it was just his natural reaction to sex. Maybe it was the smell, the musk of two bodies sliding together, of Jaejoong-
He sobbed then, body sliding down the door with his hand still curled around his cock. He had never felt so ashamed.
--
He immediately tried to dispel the notion that he was gay. Jonghyun was straight! He liked girls with their soft curves and gentle voices and how they felt beneath his hands.
So in the dead of night, when he was sure no one else was awake, Jonghyun took his laptop to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He was still a teenage boy, after all. If he was caught, the others had to understand.
He propped himself against the bathtub, hand curled around his limp cock and turned on the video. It was muted, but the images were graphic enough: a woman straddling a male, his abnormally large cock pushing in and out of her. But Jonghyun was not watching the bouncing of her breasts or the folds of her vagina; he was watching the cock moving inside her and the strong hands that guided her hips in their rocking motion.
He fumbled with his ear buds. Surely he just needed to hear it! But once Jonghyun turned on the sounds, he found himself annoyed with the woman’s exaggerated moans and uninhibited shrieks and instead focusing on the man’s quiet sounds: a small occasional moan, soft panting, a ragged cry of her name.
And Jonghyun started to hear Jaejoong’s smooth voice again, his breathless cries of Jonghyun’s name, the slick sound of skin on skin.
“Fuck,” Jonghyun cursed, and he shoved away his laptop.
His hands curled into his hair and tugged sharply. He was gay, wasn’t he? A fucking faggot. How could this happen to him! They’d be ruined, all because of something he couldn’t control.
He thought of Jaejoong again, and his relief briefly overcame his irritation. He and Yoochun were together, weren’t they? And they were okay. They were more than ok. The shining stars of Korea, weren’t they? Gods rising from the east?
He immediately felt better. They’d be alright too. He’d be alright. No one had to know.
--
Jonghyun decided to test it on Kibum. If anyone would understand, it’d be Kibum. Kibum was eccentric and colorful, girly even. And they were best friends, weren’t they? Just like-
Just like Jaejoong and Yoochun. It was only half the reason it had to be him.
They’d been sitting at the table eating breakfast, and Kibum had been talking about something or other. In fact, he wouldn’t stop. So Jonghyun leaned over, grabbed Kibum’s face, and planted a kiss on Kibum’s mouth.
They’d all stared at him incredulously for several long moments. And then Kibum furiously wiped his mouth with his arm.
“What the hell?!” Kibum cried indignantly, looking vaguely horrified.
“You wouldn’t shut up,” Jonghyun said easily, the words falling off his tongue like acid.
“That crosses the line,” Kibum sneered. “I’m not a fag.”
Kibum could not have been more obvious. The message was clear.
“It didn’t mean anything,” Jonghyun assured, though it really did. “If I had known you’d be like this, I wouldn’t have done it.” And it was true. He thought Kibum would understand.
Kibum let it go, but Jonghyun wouldn’t-couldn’t- forget. Kibum had been disgusted, but Jonghyun had liked it.
--
“I know you may not think I’m a very good leader,” Jinki said. “But I notice things.”
“Okay,” Jonghyun acknowledged coolly, though inside he was burning with unease.
“You kissed Kibum,” Jinki said frankly.
Jonghyun’s heart dropped. “So? It was just a joke.” Just a lie, his mind chanted.
So maybe it wasn’t okay. Maybe he couldn’t keep his secret. He wondered if Jaejoong and Yoochun were exclusive to their group.
“It wasn’t,” Jinki insisted.
Jinki was right; Jonghyun had never thought Jinki was this perceptive. Maybe telling him wouldn’t be so bad; it was Jinki after all. He was incapable of hate.
“No,” Jonghyun admitted reluctantly. “It wasn’t.”
“It’s okay,” Jinki said tactfully, albeit somewhat awkwardly. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re gay.”
Jonghyun knew it was coming, but he still couldn’t prevent his heart from freezing.
“Is it?” Jonghyun murmured. “I don’t think it is.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Jinki insisted. “It doesn’t make you a bad person, or anything. I mean-you’re no different from the rest of us.”
“Yeah, except that whole ‘socially unaccepted’ part,” Jonghyun snapped.
Jinki winced. “I’m not going to tell anyone,” he said quietly. “I just want you to know you’re not alone.” He quickly backtracked once he realized how his sentence could be construed. “I mean-I’m here for you, if you need to talk, or something. Yeah.”
Jonghyun was actually a little grateful, and more than a little relieved, though he’d never admit it.
“Yeah, okay.”
--
Jonghyun saw Jaejoong naked again, nearly two months after the first time. It had been post-performance again, and Jonghyun had been two exhilarated to notice he was in the wrong hallway. He’d opened the door to what he thought was their own dressing room, then stood frozen in the doorway.
Jaejoong’s back was turned to him, and he was clearly in the middle of undressing. Jonghyun could see every stretch of skin, every smoothly-muscled plane of his back, and the ink carved into his skin, painting beauty and loyalty and love.
Staying away from Jaejoong had almost convinced him that it was just a fluke, just a misunderstanding, but everything Jonghyun had felt before came back like a tidal wave, drowning him.
“Oh, you’re back,” Jaejoong said without turning. His hands fumbled with his pants. “Toss me those clothes, will you?”
Jonghyun stammered out an apology. “I didn’t mean to-”
Jaejoong glanced over his shoulder. “That’s okay,” he assured with a smile. “Why don’t you come in?”
Jonghyun stood frozen in place. Jaejoong chuckled and turned around. He wore only his boxer shorts (Calvin Klein, Jonghyun noted) and his easygoing smile, and Jonghyun’s couldn’t help but let his gaze wander over Jaejoong’s broad shoulders, toned abdomen, the sparsely thin trail of hair leading from his belly button down past the band of his boxers, and the muscles in his thighs.
Jaejoong’s hand fell heavily onto Jonghyun’s shoulder as he pulled Jonghyun inside the room. He urged Jonghyun toward the sofa, where a pile of clothes lay innocently.
Jaejoong snatched them up and moved away, slipping the remainder of his clothing off shamelessly.
Jonghyun could see Jaejoong’s flaccid cock resting against his thigh, and he shifted awkwardly. It was bigger than his own, but he wasn’t surprised. Jaejoong was older than him after all. His view was blocked when Jaejoong turned and slipped on his clothes.
“How are your activities?” Jaejoong asked as he dressed.
“Good,” Jonghyun replied blankly.
“Only good?”
He hesitated. “We’re having fun,” he continued.
“That’s good,” Jaejoong said as he zipped up his pants. “We’re going out to dinner,” he added. “You want to come?”
“I don’t know if I’m allowed,” Jonghyun admitted.
“I’ll speak to your manager.”
Jonghyun made a face. Jaejoong laughed.
“He won’t say no,” Jaejoong assured. “Why don’t you find your members and invite them?”
Jonghyun knew a dismissal when he heard it. “Ok,” he murmured, standing up.
Jaejoong tossed him a smile. “We’ll meet you in the back.”
--
“I saw you and Yoochun-hyung,” Jonghyun slurred into Jaejoong’s shoulder.
If he’d been in a proper mindset, he would have been appalled at his behavior. As it was, Yoochun and Jaejoong had been pushing soju on him all night, and he was too buzzed to realize what he was doing. He barely registered Jinki’s concerned glances.
“Did you?” Jaejoong asked in amusement, lifting his glass to his mouth.
Jonghyun nodded, then hiccoughed and said, “In the dressing room. Having sex.”
It was a good thing no one was paying attention to them because Jonghyun had been nothing but loud in his declaration.
“Really?” Jaejoong murmured nonchalantly, though his shoulders were suddenly stiff with tension.
“I wondered,” Jonghyun muttered thickly.
“Wondered what?”
“Wondered-I wondered what it would feel like.”
Jaejoong’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “You weren’t, say, disgusted?”
“I-at myself-I-” He hiccoughed again, and Jaejoong wrapped his arm around him comfortingly. “I don’t want to be gay,” Jonghyun half-sobbed into his shoulder. “I want to be normal.”
Jaejoong was tactfully silent.
“It’s not-not right. I’m supposed to like girls!”
“You think that because it’s been taught to you,” Jaejoong murmured softly. “But, really, does it feel wrong to you?”
Jonghyun shook his head mutely.
“No one can ever tell you who you are,” Jaejoong soothed, fingers running through Jonghyun’s messy hair. “No one can tell you who to love. Don’t try to change yourself.”
“I-I want to know,” Jonghyun hiccoughed. “Will you show me?”
There was a long pause. “Someday,” Jaejoong acquiesced.
Jonghyun nodded into Jaejoong’s shoulder. “I’m gonna be in trouble.”
“I’ll protect you,” Jaejoong assured.
“You’re a good sunbae,” Jonghyun murmured.
Jaejoong stiffened beneath him. “I suppose I am.”
--
When Jonghyun woke up to the shrill sound of his phone alarm, he threw it across the room angrily, clutching his head in despair. Jonghyun was almost disappointed. He’d half-hoped that Jaejoong would’ve taken advantage of his intoxicated state, but he was all intact, aside from his intense headache.
Then he felt disgusted at himself. Jaejoong was his sunbae! He shouldn’t be feeling this way about him. He didn’t think it odd that he wasn’t concerned with Jaejoong’s sex any longer.
His manager released a loud expletive from outside the door. “He’s not even really legal!”
Jonghyun rolled out of bed.
“That was very irresponsible, Jaejoong-sshi,” his manager continued. “Jonghyun is not old enough for your excursions. You promised you’d take care of them!”
Jonghyun nearly tripped over his feet in his haste to the door. His manager was at the end of the hall, leaning against the window.
“Is that Jaejoong-hyung?!” Jonghyun shrieked. He immediately winced and clutched his head.
His manager glanced at him sternly.
“I mean-Can I talk to him?” Jonghyun asked sheepishly.
His manager sighed, pushing himself off the glass and taking several quick strides toward Jonghyun. He handed him the phone and tapped his watch meaningfully before wandering away.
Jonghyun tentatively brought the phone to his ear.
“…Hey, hyung,” he croaked.
There was a long silence. Jonghyun pulled the phone away from his ear to stare at the screen. He was still on the line.
“…Hey, kid,” Jaejoong said eventually.
Jonghyun’s cheeks flushed. Kid? Was that all he was?
“How’s your head?” he continued.
Jonghyun made a strangled noised in his throat.
“Sorry about that,” Jaejoong said, and he really did sound apologetic. “We shouldn’t have let you drink.”
“I’m not,” Jonghyun croaked quietly. “Sorry, I mean.”
Jaejoong didn’t say anything.
“Are you going to stick to your word?” Jonghyun asked eventually.
His manager wandered back down the hall with a glass of water. He handed it to Jonghyun and slipped two pills into Jonghyun’s palm, watching him with a critical eye.
Jonghyun’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment, cradling the phone between his cheek and shoulder as he swallowed the pills.
“What word?” Jaejoong murmured.
Jonghyun handed the glass back to his manager, who tapped his wrist again. Shaking his head, Jonghyun switched the phone between his hands and held up the other, palm out.
He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he held up four fingers suggestively.
Jonghyun nodded, waiting for him to walk away before mumbling quietly, “You said you’d show me.”
“Someday,” Jaejoong corrected.
“You said you would.”
Jaejoong didn’t answer.
“You said you would,” Jonghyun repeated firmly.
“You’re too young,” Jaejoong said quickly, sounding embarrassed.
“Not young enough to drink, apparently.”
“I said I was sorry,” Jaejoong defended.
“Doesn’t change the fact,” Jonghyun grumbled angrily. “I’m old enough. And you said you would.”
“I didn’t think you’d remember,” Jaejoong admitted sheepishly.
“Is it because-” Jonghyun slipped back into their bedroom and glanced around quickly. “-because you’re not attracted to me?”
“…I don’t know,” Jaejoong admitted.
“You don’t know.”
“You’re too young,” Jaejoong said again.
“I’m old enough to consent,” Jonghyun insisted quietly.
“It’s a moral thing.”
“So you’d never sleep with Changmin-hyung?” he asked, moving toward their dresser.
“He’s older than you.”
“Two years,” Jonghyun pointed out, phone cradled against his cheek as he pulled out a black t-shirt.
“Which makes our gap four years,” Jaejoong argued.
“And I’m still old enough to consent.”
There was silence.
“I’m not going to sleep with you,” Jaejoong said.
“Fine,” Jonghyun snapped, staring at the wall angrily. “Maybe I’ll just go out and pick up some random-” He couldn’t say it.
“You wouldn’t do that,” Jaejoong said softly.
“You don’t know,” Jonghyun said hotly, slipping the phone into his hand. “I could.”
“You won’t,” Jaejoong said, this time louder. “Not for your first time.”
“Who said it was my first time?” he barked.
Jaejoong exhaled sharply. “This conversation is over.”
Jonghyun flushed in embarrassment. “Whatever,” he bit out angrily. “I’ll see you later, hyung.”
He hung up before he got an answer.
--
It was months before they saw each other again, and Jonghyun had become dull and lethargic when not on camera, resentful of his failed conversation with Jaejoong. They all noticed, but no one was brave enough to question why he was so disagreeable, even Kibum. He was volatile enough as it was.
When they next saw Dong Bang Shin Ki, the SHINee members collectively held their breath for the inevitable explosion. But Jonghyun was nothing if not cordial, and it was obvious who was the cause of the tension when Jonghyun completed ignored Jaejoong, who wouldn’t even look at him.
They avoided each other at all costs. At one point when they were on stage, they bumped into each other. When they realized who they’d collided with, their plastic smiles fell off their faces. There was a long moment in which they stared at each other stormily. Then, Jonghyun plastered on an even more plastic smile and hugged Jaejoong enthusiastically before skipping off.
A part of Jonghyun was disappointed in himself and his behavior. The other part was angry and embarrassed that Jaejoong had rejected him. He wasn’t a child, and he certainly wasn’t new to sex. Maybe to sex with a man, but Jonghyun knew the basic mechanics, and it generally worked in the same manner.
Somewhere in his subconscious, he thought that if he had sex with Jaejoong, the thoughts would go away, and the attraction would dissipate. He thought, maybe it’s just a phase; maybe I just need to get it out of my system.
But at the same time, he knew he was going about it the wrong way. Coercing Jaejoong would have to take time and patience, especially since Jaejoong would be busy in Japan.
He set about to apologize to him after the SM concert. He found Jaejoong backstage, resting on a sofa as he played idly with the bracelet around Yoochun’s wrist and spoke to him in soft, dulcet tones.
Jonghyun’s heart dropped. In his eagerness, he’d forgotten about Yoochun and his relationship with Jaejoong. He couldn’t come between that, and he certainly didn’t want to be responsible for a rift in their relationship.
He approached them slowly, giving them enough time to tactfully end their conversation.
“Sorry,” he murmured, bowing his head. “But could I speak to you for a moment, Jaejoong-hyung?”
Yoochun gave Jaejoong a pointed look as he slid to his feet. Jaejoong said something to him in Japanese and squeezed Yoochun’s wrist as the other man pulled away.
Jaejoong smiled and patted the spot next to him. Nervously, Jonghyun slid into the seat and wrung his hands anxiously.
“I just, um, wanted to apologize for my behavior,” he said quietly. “On the phone. It was disrespectful, and I-” He swallowed and glanced at Jaejoong. “-and I shouldn’t have tried to push you into something you didn’t want.”
Jaejoong placed a warm hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “Jonghyun-ah, I don’t want you to feel like you’re not attractive because I don’t want to have sex with you. It’s just-” Jaejoong sighed. “I don’t think it would be right for us to have sex because you’re still young and confused. There are other people you can experiment with.”
Jonghyun looked mildly horrified. “I-I couldn’t.”
“I’m sure there’s someone you trust,” Jaejoong continued.
“N-no, I-” He bit his lip. “They don’t know,” he murmured thickly, avoiding Jaejoong’s gaze. “And even if they did, they’re not okay with it.”
“You know,” Jaejoong said almost nonchalantly. “Yoochun and I, it just kind of made sense. But to the others, they didn’t understand. Yunho and Junsu anyway. Changmin really wasn’t interested in our love lives.”
“But they-they support you, don’t they?” Jonghyun asked.
“Sort of,” Jaejoong amended. “They still don’t think it’s right, but they care about us, and they want us to be happy, and as long as it doesn’t get in the way of Dong Bang Shin Ki, it’s okay.”
Jonghyun nodded at the floor. “Did you… always know?”
Jaejoong shrugged. “I noticed other guys, but I never really though much into it. Yoochun was one who wanted to try.” He glanced up and cursed. “Listen, I have to go,” he said quickly. “Give me your phone.”
Jonghyun complied quietly.
Jaejoong dialed a bunch of numbers and handed it back to Jonghyun. “Call me if you need to talk, okay?”
“Thanks, hyung,” he murmured, bowing his head.
Jaejoong smiled and patted his shoulder before jogging toward his members, who were waiting patiently at the end of the hall.
Jonghyun glanced at his phone. He nearly blushed when he read the name.
♥Jaejoongie-hyung♥
--
Jonghyun was lying on his bed, plugged into his music and tapping his foot rhythmically against the wall, when Kibum came in, an oddly blank expression on his face.
He stood up on Jinki’s bed and poked Jonghyun’s side until the older boy obligingly sat up and removed one ear bud.
“Can I come up?” Kibum asked politely.
Jonghyun frowned and shut off his mp3 player. “Since when do you ask?” he muttered, patting the space beside him.
Kibum hauled himself up and sat next to him, feet dangling off the edge.
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said quietly.
“Sure,” Jonghyun replied. “I’m listening.”
“You know, a couple weeks ago, when you kissed me?” Kibum muttered, avoiding his gaze. Jonghyun’s heart dropped. “I know you said you didn’t mean it, but did you?”
“Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun said quietly, voice caught in his throat.
Kibum continued, “I mean, I know you guys probably think I’m gay because of the way I act, but the truth is: I never thought about it before. I didn’t think that I came off that way because it was natural to me.”
“Are you-” Jonghyun paused. “Are you worried?”
Kibum glanced up at him, and Jonghyun could finally see his mouth was almost quivering.
“I started thinking about it after you kissed me,” Kibum admitted almost inaudibly, looking away. “It was only a second, but I started wondering what it would be like. And-and I’m sorry for how I reacted. I was afraid.”
“Come here,” Jonghyun said thickly, tugging Kibum into his arms.
Kibum clung back to him.
“We used to do this all the time,” Kibum murmured. “I miss this.”
Jonghyun pulled away. “Come on,” he said, tugging his blankets up. He climbed under them with Kibum, lying on their sides and facing each other.
“The truth is, Kibum-ah, I was experimenting,” Jonghyun admitted, fists curled up by his head. “I saw-I saw our hyung-deul together, having sex, and I started thinking. I couldn’t stop thinking, wondering what it would be like.”
He swallowed nervously and continued, “So I kissed you because I wanted to know if I was really gay.”
Kibum’s eyes were large and beautiful. “And?”
Jonghyun started picking at his sheets. “And it felt right,” he said. “And I tried-” He inhaled sharply. “I tried to have sex with Jaejoong-hyung.”
“Oh,” Kibum said dumbly. “Tried?”
Jonghyun laughed sadly. “He said he wouldn’t. That I was young and confused and I needed to experiment with someone else.”
“Oh,” Kibum repeated, eyes falling to the sheets. “Do you-I mean, we could try?”
Jonghyun swallowed thickly. “Do you want to?”
He paused for a moment before looking up at Jonghyun and nodding. “I trust you,” Kibum whispered.
Jonghyun slid forward carefully, touching Kibum’s waist gently. Kibum met him halfway, lips already half-parted as he kissed him.
Kibum’s lips were soft like a girl’s, but it felt nothing alike. The movements were the same, but the feeling was different, maybe because Jonghyun knew Kibum was a boy.
Once the initial awkwardness dissipated, Kibum slid his hands up and cupped Jonghyun’s face, tilting his head and parting his lips for Jonghyun’s tongue. He was pliant and at the same time aggressive, unafraid as he delved deeper into Jonghyun’s soul.
Jonghyun shifted closer, craving heat and skin. He slipped his fingers beneath the hem of Kibum’s shirt and gently stroked the skin there, hesitant.
Kibum moaned quietly, and Jonghyun’s hand froze.
He pulled away slowly, short of breath, and asked, “Is this okay?”
Kibum gripped his face and kissed him again. “I’d tell you if it wasn’t,” he replied, breath hot on Jonghyun’s lips.
Jonghyun smiled and closed the distance between them, hand sliding over Kibum’s back. Jonghyun knew then he was gay; kissing a girl had never felt like this, so raw and primal and hot. He could get lost in Kibum’s arms.
“Hey guys, did you see my-ow!” There was a loud banging noise.
They pulled apart from each other slowly. Kibum threw his head back against the pillow and sighed.
“Jinki, we’re having a moment here,” Kibum snapped.
“Sorry,” Jinki muttered sheepishly, rubbing his hip where he’d hit it against the door. “But have you guys seen my hoodie? The one with the stripes and the big…thing?”
Jonghyun glanced at Kibum, who looked extremely irritated. He bit his lip to stifle his laugh as Kibum sat up and growled down at Jinki, “You left it in the bathroom. Now go away.”
“Oh,” Jinki said blankly, finally looking up them. He smiled goofily. “Thanks.” And then he shuffled out and shut the door behind him.
Jonghyun couldn’t hold it back anymore, and he started laughing loudly. “Way to scare him off.”
Kibum flopped back down onto his back. “He’s hopeless,” Kibum lamented.
“You know, he probably knew exactly what was going on,” Jonghyun said. “He’s smarter than he acts.”
“I don’t believe you,” Kibum accused.
Jonghyun poked him in the side, pushing himself up on his elbows. He paused. “Actually, I wouldn’t believe myself either. Onew-hyung is pretty ridiculous.”
Kibum laughed and reached up to grasp Jonghyun’s upper arms. The older boy leaned down and kissed him again, softer, lips parted naturally.
“We’re still friends, right?” Kibum murmured against his lips, sliding his hand around to cup the back of Jonghyun’s neck. His eyes were half-lidded, and his lips were swollen, and Jonghyun had never seen someone so beautiful.
“Best friends,” Jonghyun assured.
“With benefits?” Kibum continued almost shyly.
Jonghyun laughed. “If that’s what you want to call it,” he said, running his fingers down Kibum’s cheek.
Kibum smiled in satisfaction. “Good.” And he pulled Jonghyun back down and kissed him.
--
Jonghyun flipped his phone around in his fingers as he sat on the sofa and waited for his hair to dry.
Is it easy for you two?
Then up to here~
Ten seconds later, his phone vibrated in his hand.
Relationships are never easy. It’s just worth it.
Jonghyun bit his lip.
Kibum and I are together.
Then up to here~
Jaejoong texted him back promptly. That’s good. You’ll do well together.
Jonghyun frowned. He couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Sure, he had Kibum, but a part of him still wondered about Jaejoong and how he would feel.
“I can see the appeal,” Kibum had said to him, resting his head on Jonghyun’s stomach. “He’s really attractive, and he’s older, and he has that kind of mysterious thing going on.”
“Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun had muttered.
“I’m just saying,” Kibum had defended. “I wouldn’t blame you if slept with him.”
Jonghyun had looked mortified. “I haven’t even slept with you!”
Kibum had grinned lasciviously. “Yet.”
I still think about it, Jonghyun typed, wondering if he was being too cryptic. Then up to here~
You shouldn’t, Jaejoong texted back. You’re with Key now.
It’s not like I can help it. And he said he was okay with it.
Then up to here~
Jonghyun waited impatiently for several minutes, but there was no reply. Finally, his stylist summoned him to finish his hair, so he tucked his phone into his pocket and tried to forget about it.
--
Jonghyun was toweling off his hair in the bathroom, wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist, when Kibum walked in with a dark expression.
“Did you need the bathroom?” Jonghyun asked.
Kibum locked the door behind him and advanced on the older boy slowly, like a predator. He pushed Jonghyun against the wall and slid against his body. Glancing at him coyly, he hooked a finger into the knot holding Jonghyun’s towel up and tugged sharply, delighting in the way the towel pooled at his feet.
He grabbed Jonghyun’s face in his hands and pulled him into a kiss as he aligned their bodies. Jonghyun fumbled to drop the towel he was holding and grabbed Kibum’s hips, pulling the other boy closer. He felt like a magnet, uncontrollably attracted to Kibum and unable to pull away.
“What brought this on?” Jonghyun murmured thickly.
Kibum trailed his fingers down Jonghyun’s chest. “I wanted to try something,” he said coyly, wrapping his fingers around Jonghyun’s length.
Jonghyun felt himself harden under Kibum’s gentle touch.
“It’s different,” Kibum mused quietly, spreading the pre-come gathered on the tip.
“Of course it’s different,” Jonghyun breathed, clenching his fists against the wall. “Key-”
Kibum smiled and slid his hand up and down slowly. “Do you mind?”
“Do I mind?” Jonghyun repeated incredulously. He moaned quietly and slid his hand around to grasp the buckle of Kibum’s belt. “Do I get to reciprocate?”
Kibum grinned. “Of course,” he cooed easily, flirtatiously, as he increased his pace.
Jonghyun fumbled with Kibum’s pants, distracted by the steady rhythm of Kibum’s hand on his cock. He released a small cry of success when he unfastened his pants and then moaned quietly as Kibum’s fingers squeezed him carefully.
He pulled Kibum’s erection out and ran his thumb over the head teasingly, delighting in the way Kibum shuddered and pressed his forehead against his chest.
“Jonghyun,” he breathed.
Jonghyun moved his free hand from Kibum’s hip and ran it through the younger boy’s hair affectionately. He grabbed a fistful and brought Kibum’s head closer to him, connecting their mouths fiercely.
Kibum reciprocated in kind, increasing the pace of his hand as he delved deeper into Jonghyun’s mouth. His lips were warm and wet and comforting, and Jonghyun just wanted to bury himself deeper, so he’d never have to let go.
“Ah,” Kibum gasped softly, pulling away suddenly. He shuddered in Jonghyun’s hands as he came, tightening the ring of his fingers until Jonghyun exhaled sharply and spilled too.
“Jonghyun,” Kibum breathed after a moment. He tilted his head for a kiss, moaning softly when Jonghyun met him halfway, tongues lethargic in their post-coital bliss.
Kibum pulled away and shot him another coy look before he lifted his hand and slowly licked the mess off his fingers experimentally.
Jonghyun groaned. “Look what you’re doing to me.”
Kibum grinned lasciviously. “Looks like you need another shower, hyung.”
--
Jonghyun was dozing on the sofa with Kibum curled up next to him when he checked his phone.
Are you still interested? This is a one-time thing.
Jonghyun stared at his phone blankly. The text was timed at two hours ago.
What are you saying? he typed. Aren’t you guys in Japan? Then up to here~
At the press of buttons, Kibum stirred next to him. “What’s going on?” he murmured thickly.
Jonghyun bit his lip and showed him Jaejoong’s text. Kibum blinked at his phone, tilting his head to the side cutely.
His phone vibrated. We’re filming a commercial. And I’m saying we do this once, and that’s it. And then you’ll drop this.
Kibum’s lips thinned. “You should go for it,” he said.
“What?”
“I mean-I’d feel better if you got it off your chest,” Kibum muttered. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re thinking about him.”
“Not when we-”
“But you think about him,” Kibum corrected. “And, I mean, you could always learn from him.”
“You’d be okay with this,” Jonghyun deadpanned. “Me being with Jaejoong-hyung for my first time with a guy.”
Kibum grinned weakly and reached up to wrap his arms around Jonghyun. “As long you make my first time worth it,” he said quietly, shyly, as he pressed a kiss to Jonghyun’s jaw. “And it’s just an experiment, right?”
“Are you sure?” Jonghyun asked.
“I trust you,” Kibum whispered, burying his face in Jonghyun’s neck. “Just make sure you come back to me in one piece.”
Jonghyun picked up his phone with shaking hands.
Alright.
Fifteen seconds later, his phone was vibrating. We’ll be outside in five minutes. Wear something incognito.
“Kibum-ah,” he whispered. “They’re coming now.”
Kibum glanced up and kissed him. “Have fun then,” he said shakily.
Jonghyun kissed him back. “Hey, Kibum-ah, I really, really like you, okay?”
He laughed softly. “I love you too.”
“I’ll be back, promise.”
Kibum held out his hand. Jonghyun linked pinkies with him, pressed their thumbs together and then leaned over to kiss Kibum again.
part ii