Fanfic: Growing Cold
Title: Growing Cold
Author: stephie_nhbg
Rating: PG13
Fandom: CoN
Type: Fanfiction
Genre and/or Pairing: Angst, Susan/Caspian
Spoilers: none
Warnings: minor bad language
Word Count: 1,003
Disclaimer: None of this amazing world is mine, I just like to play in it.
Summary: And as the months go by, the love I feel grows cold and turns to hate.
Author's Note: Ummm wow, please don't shoot me for this, It's a bit violent, but not in the sense you think, and Susan, well she isn't so nice. Not even close, It's sort of inspired by 1smut_princess but only in that her amazing story kind of threw this plot bunny in my face. It's unbetad so I expect it to have some wonky bits. Leave me some feedback, I don't know how I like it, or even if its good, so tell me if it blows.
"Susan? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Lucy. What do you need now."
"Peter says that he needs to talk to you."
"Fine, Lucy, but later, I can't now, I'm busy."
Sitting on her bed gripping her pillow tightly and sending a withering glare at her younger sisters back, Susan couldn't help but feel trapped. This had been happening a lot in the days since they'd come home for winter break. Every time she'd go away to be alone, someone would come to ask her something, to tell her something, to give her something. It was getting old really fast, because she knew what they were doing. They were checking on her, they couldn't understand why she was so hostile, how she had turned from her complete sadness and not returned to her previous mothering and happiness. The only way her siblings thought they could help her was smothering her.
Well maybe that wasn't the real me, who said that I had to be there to mother them, to baby them, to be there every single time that Peter got into a fight, or when Edmund needed a friend, or when Lucy needed her to hold her while she cried. Who said that I had to do all that? Or that I even should, maybe they should just grow up and realize that life isn't that easy, that it fucking sucks. I am not babying them, fuck it, they can come in here every five minutes for the rest of the week but I'm not giving them the time of day if they keep smothering me.
As the days passed Susan couldn't help but think that they might not be as dense as she thought, and while she was contemplating talking to them again, something happened that she wasn't expecting.
"Susan!"
Choosing to ignore Peter's loud voice, she instead sat cross-legged on her bed with her hands placed firmly on top of her ears, that is until her bedroom door opened with a load crash.
"Susan, this is ridiculous, you've barely left this room and when you do, all you do is fight with everyone. What is wrong, why can't you just talk to us, why do you keep shutting us out, we don't hear from you when you're at school, you've changed, and we don't even know you anymore."
"What is this Peter? An intervention? Why does it matter to you? You haven't stopped smothering me since we got back. So what if I changed, maybe this is who I am now, I'm sick and tired of pretending to be something else for you, Ed, and Lucy. It's not my responsibility to watch your every move, I'm not that person anymore."
"Maybe you need an intervention Su, I know you loved Caspian, but this is ridiculous, why are you pushing this all on us? Why are you turning into a shrew, It was one fucking kiss Susan, it doesn't make sense for you to be so angry all the time. Yes we left Narnia, but that shouldn't mean that you give up on everything, stop being so cynical, if you keep this up, you won't have anyone left, not even me."
"I don't need you Peter!!! It has nothing to do with you, did you ever think that I don't need you guys?" As Susan screamed her hate filled words, traitor tears began to run down her face, but that wouldn't stop her, "And don't you ever talk about Caspian or Narnia to me ever again, you have no idea what you're talking about. I'm leaving, I don't know if I'll be back, don't follow, or I definitely won't be."
Gasping for breath she hurriedly pulled on her shoes and grabbed a jacket. Running down the stairs she could hear someone yelling at her, but she couldn't comprehend what was being said, and she didn't care.
She didn't stopped running until she reached the train station, and then she locked herself in a bathroom stall leaned against the wall, and slid down the side. Placing her chin on her knees she tried to stop crying, after around fifteen minutes more she had calmed down and then began to whisper.
"I loved you, I loved you so much, I made so many mistakes in that short time, because I loved you, we did things that should have waited, and now, every month that goes by, turns my tears of love into tears of hate. I would die for you Caspian, but I can't keep living for you. I can't let you keep hurting me with the dreams that replay in my head, I need to grow up. I need to forget, and I hate you so much for what you've done to me. I was never as good as you, I know that you would have accepted it all in stride, that you would be sad behind closed doors, but wouldn't shut down, I can't do that, I can feel myself turning into someone I shouldn't be, but I don't care anymore. I need to save myself, and the only way I can do that is by forgetting, the only way I can forget is if I don't believe, the only way I can stop believing is if I start believing in someone else. I'm done grasping at straws that once held you and all the things I love. You can only get hurt if you let yourself be vulnerable, I won't let you be my weakness anymore, Goodbye, I won't be seeing you, never again."
When she finished she got up and walked out, determined to never think of him again. She went home, and they never spoke of her leaving again, or of Narnia. She began her steps to forget, and started to do things she used to be against. Years later she would come to regret the decisions she made that fateful night, her plan worked too well. She'd lost everything, and was almost too far gone to even realize it.
Author: stephie_nhbg
Rating: PG13
Fandom: CoN
Type: Fanfiction
Genre and/or Pairing: Angst, Susan/Caspian
Spoilers: none
Warnings: minor bad language
Word Count: 1,003
Disclaimer: None of this amazing world is mine, I just like to play in it.
Summary: And as the months go by, the love I feel grows cold and turns to hate.
Author's Note: Ummm wow, please don't shoot me for this, It's a bit violent, but not in the sense you think, and Susan, well she isn't so nice. Not even close, It's sort of inspired by 1smut_princess but only in that her amazing story kind of threw this plot bunny in my face. It's unbetad so I expect it to have some wonky bits. Leave me some feedback, I don't know how I like it, or even if its good, so tell me if it blows.
"Susan? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Lucy. What do you need now."
"Peter says that he needs to talk to you."
"Fine, Lucy, but later, I can't now, I'm busy."
Sitting on her bed gripping her pillow tightly and sending a withering glare at her younger sisters back, Susan couldn't help but feel trapped. This had been happening a lot in the days since they'd come home for winter break. Every time she'd go away to be alone, someone would come to ask her something, to tell her something, to give her something. It was getting old really fast, because she knew what they were doing. They were checking on her, they couldn't understand why she was so hostile, how she had turned from her complete sadness and not returned to her previous mothering and happiness. The only way her siblings thought they could help her was smothering her.
Well maybe that wasn't the real me, who said that I had to be there to mother them, to baby them, to be there every single time that Peter got into a fight, or when Edmund needed a friend, or when Lucy needed her to hold her while she cried. Who said that I had to do all that? Or that I even should, maybe they should just grow up and realize that life isn't that easy, that it fucking sucks. I am not babying them, fuck it, they can come in here every five minutes for the rest of the week but I'm not giving them the time of day if they keep smothering me.
As the days passed Susan couldn't help but think that they might not be as dense as she thought, and while she was contemplating talking to them again, something happened that she wasn't expecting.
"Susan!"
Choosing to ignore Peter's loud voice, she instead sat cross-legged on her bed with her hands placed firmly on top of her ears, that is until her bedroom door opened with a load crash.
"Susan, this is ridiculous, you've barely left this room and when you do, all you do is fight with everyone. What is wrong, why can't you just talk to us, why do you keep shutting us out, we don't hear from you when you're at school, you've changed, and we don't even know you anymore."
"What is this Peter? An intervention? Why does it matter to you? You haven't stopped smothering me since we got back. So what if I changed, maybe this is who I am now, I'm sick and tired of pretending to be something else for you, Ed, and Lucy. It's not my responsibility to watch your every move, I'm not that person anymore."
"Maybe you need an intervention Su, I know you loved Caspian, but this is ridiculous, why are you pushing this all on us? Why are you turning into a shrew, It was one fucking kiss Susan, it doesn't make sense for you to be so angry all the time. Yes we left Narnia, but that shouldn't mean that you give up on everything, stop being so cynical, if you keep this up, you won't have anyone left, not even me."
"I don't need you Peter!!! It has nothing to do with you, did you ever think that I don't need you guys?" As Susan screamed her hate filled words, traitor tears began to run down her face, but that wouldn't stop her, "And don't you ever talk about Caspian or Narnia to me ever again, you have no idea what you're talking about. I'm leaving, I don't know if I'll be back, don't follow, or I definitely won't be."
Gasping for breath she hurriedly pulled on her shoes and grabbed a jacket. Running down the stairs she could hear someone yelling at her, but she couldn't comprehend what was being said, and she didn't care.
She didn't stopped running until she reached the train station, and then she locked herself in a bathroom stall leaned against the wall, and slid down the side. Placing her chin on her knees she tried to stop crying, after around fifteen minutes more she had calmed down and then began to whisper.
"I loved you, I loved you so much, I made so many mistakes in that short time, because I loved you, we did things that should have waited, and now, every month that goes by, turns my tears of love into tears of hate. I would die for you Caspian, but I can't keep living for you. I can't let you keep hurting me with the dreams that replay in my head, I need to grow up. I need to forget, and I hate you so much for what you've done to me. I was never as good as you, I know that you would have accepted it all in stride, that you would be sad behind closed doors, but wouldn't shut down, I can't do that, I can feel myself turning into someone I shouldn't be, but I don't care anymore. I need to save myself, and the only way I can do that is by forgetting, the only way I can forget is if I don't believe, the only way I can stop believing is if I start believing in someone else. I'm done grasping at straws that once held you and all the things I love. You can only get hurt if you let yourself be vulnerable, I won't let you be my weakness anymore, Goodbye, I won't be seeing you, never again."
When she finished she got up and walked out, determined to never think of him again. She went home, and they never spoke of her leaving again, or of Narnia. She began her steps to forget, and started to do things she used to be against. Years later she would come to regret the decisions she made that fateful night, her plan worked too well. She'd lost everything, and was almost too far gone to even realize it.