Back At One
-continued from ' What You Don't Know'- play this while you read.
Click to viewI can’t let you go.
It was as though time had stood still, freezing the both of them into place. The sounds around them faded into grey, and the people disappeared into black. In that moment, it was just the two of them; just Jung Yunho and Shim Changmin.
I can’t let you go.
Each word, like a weight, sinking deep into the depths of Changmin’s soul.
He stares at Yunho’s eyes, as though he is searching for a hidden trick, a deception. Maybe he was dreaming.
Nope, he isn’t. There is that pair of familiar eyes. Watching him, hoping to hold onto him just by its gaze alone. A hand along the banister, clenched into a fist, trying not to reach out and grab Changmin. As if he knows Changmin wants to run. And he does.
Changmin feels his feet move before his mind can comprehend his next step, and he turns, running up the rest of the steps.
Just as the night air outside hits his face, he feels himself pulled sharply to the side and pushed hard against the brick wall in the alleyway, outside the club.
‘Changmin. Please. Stop running, please. Just stop.’ Yunho’s voice is soft and pleading. His hand grasping Changmin’s wrist, forcing himself to keep a little distance and not just hold onto Changmin for eternity.
Changmin still cannot bring himself to respond. His eyes flicker back and forth across Yunho’s worried face. His mind is a whirl of confusion, of thoughts. His heart is a mess of emotion, pain flicking back and forth with every breath.
I can’t let you go.
But you did. You did, Yunho. You let me go, Changmin thinks.
He does not say it out though, it is as though his voice has shrivelled up by the sheer surreality of the situation now. One moment he was all ready to move on and celebrate Christmas with his friends, then he had spotted Yunho and Boa, and then.. and then Yunho and him now.
The silence between the two, the empty space filled with tension. One half propelled by emotion; one half propelled by hurt.
‘Why?’ Changmin breaks the silence. One word. A demand. Changmin needs to know why.
‘Don’t, please. Just don’t. Stop running. I’m sorry.’
‘You don’t owe me anything, and I don’t owe you anything either. Go back and have fun with her.’ The image from just now surfaces again, drowning Changmin’s other thoughts and feelings. A blank look replaces the initial sadness that had been on his face. A need to protect himself once again, against this man who had hurt him once more.
‘No. It isn’t what you think it is. I tried, Changmin. I tried. I tried to let you go. I tried to forget you. Even 5 minutes ago, I was trying to forget you.’
‘By making out with someone else.’ says Changmin. Bluntly. Numbly.
‘Y..es. Yes. That’s Boa. She’s a good friend. We are just friends.’
‘I know who she is. I see. Friends who make out.’
‘We.. we’re just good friends who are lonely because work has always been our life. Tonight was just that. A stupid thing to do, I know. I’m sorry.’
..
‘Changmin. I realised some things. Please. Hear me out.’
..
‘Someone. A wise man, wiser than I’ll ever be, made me realise that I was being stupid. I was living a lie. I was trying to deny the truth. Deny what I felt. Deny.. you. I thought it was for the best, that we just end. All my adult life, I’ve said goodbye to people who couldn’t love me enough to stick around. To put up with my work demands. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to say goodbye to you. So I thought, I should just stay away.’
‘Without a word? Without an explanation? Wow, U-Know. Real mature.’ Changmin cannot help it, the sarcasm cuts through. It helps him cope. He wants to escape, to forget, to leave. But Yunho will not let him go.
‘Stop. Please. I’m me now. I’m Yunho. U-Know is me too, but he isn’t who I am. Right now, the man standing here in front of you. Is just Jung Yunho.’ And Changmin’s wall cracks. Slightly. His eyes return to the forlorn face in front of him. Their eyes lock once again.
‘I don’t even know if I know you. Or who the person I met in Rome was.’ Changmin’s honesty cuts like ice through Yunho’s heart. He wants to convince Changmin of his sincerity. He needs to.
‘That was Yunho. I didn’t tell you who I was because I wanted you to treat me normally. To.. like me. For who I am. I know it’s gonna be hard work but please, let me win you back.’
‘Why?’
Why? Yunho hesitates briefly. And then he breathes the answer out.
‘Because I love you.’
Changmin’s eyes freeze. And then they search, almost frantically. Searching Yunho’s own for truth, for honesty.
‘Changmin?’
Changmin breaks. His fragility breaks and crumbles. And it is just him, the him from November standing in front of the man who came into his life and turned it upside down in two weeks. The man who broke him and loved him. Left him and came back.
Changmin closes his eyes and leans heavily against the wall, his arms hanging by his side. Yunho has still not let go of his grasp on his wrist. He looks up at the sky, the Seoul night hanging over their heads. If this was a game, Fate indeed had a cruel sense of humour. But his heart had already surrendered and Changmin knows it before he speaks.
‘One chance, Yunho. You have one chance to not break my heart again. It was hell. I’m only willing to risk it again one more time.’
--
Yunho grabs him by the neck and presses a kiss hungrily upon him. Desperately. Wanting to taste him, to feel him, to know that this was real. Changmin.
Changmin does not respond at first. But then the rush of emotion that Yunho’s mouth ignites from him pushes through, and he opens his mouth, returning the kiss. Like a broken dam, he holds onto Yunho tightly, kissing back hard. Yunho. He feels tears welling up.
Pain and happiness intertwining into a dance around their hearts, joining and uniting. Back At One.
--
Yunho breaks the kiss, leaning his forehead against Changmin’s.
‘Hey, want to go to the Han River for a walk?’
‘Why?’
‘Wise Man. Guess I owe him a thank you.’
‘Ah, maybe he can give me some perspective too. Talk me out of something stupid that I just did.’
Yunho halts, hurt flicking through his eyes. Changmin pauses, recognising it but not saying anything in comfort. Yunho quickly shakes it off, knowing he has to earn his forgiveness.
They leave the alleyway, Yunho’s hand on the small of Changmin’s back, nose a sniff away from his hair. He still cannot believe he is with Changmin now. That Changmin had given him another chance. They continue in silence for a bit.
‘So what happens if U-Know becomes an ass and forgets about me?’ Changmin suddenly mutters, just as they near the River.
‘Knowing you, I am confident you can remind him.’ Yunho smiles, making a mental note to not screw this up, Jung.
‘I can punish you?’
‘Anything you want.’
Finally a smile appears on Changmin’s face. A genuine, happy smile that lights up his face, turning his eyes into mismatched beacons of joy that radiate around him. Yunho’s heart jumps at the sight, he has missed this so fucking much.
‘Hey Changdola?’ He tries his luck with the pet name.
Changmin glances at him, still smiling.
‘I thought this Christmas would be my suckiest ever. You just made it the happiest. Merry Christmas.’ He cups Changmin’s face with his hand, thumb caressing his cheek gently.
Changmin leans into his touch, eyes still turned up in a mismatched way.
‘Merry Christmas.’
-continues to ' Ti Amo: Interlude' -
---
a/n: this took awhile because it came from a -deep- place. i approached this drabble differently by writing the dialogue first and then the rest of the story around it. i hoped that by doing so, you could see the inner turmoil that both characters (not just one, it always takes two to tango in a relationship) feel. this made me both want to tear my heart out and then smile. i hope you feel the same.