Comments | x_jerseygirl: Because, by God, I couldn't help myself.

x_jerseygirl

Because, by God, I couldn't help myself.

Jan 28, 2008 13:42

Title: Heartache
Author: Jennie
Characters: Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews (Taser) of the Chicago Blackhawks, and Andrew Coglino and Sam Gagner of the Edmonton Oilers.
Rating: PG-13, if only for plot line.
Summary: Heartache? More like heart attack. A conversation among the Blackhawks token teens.
A/N: Sam and Pat played for the London Knights of the ( Read more... )

fic

Comments 20

voldemortistxx January 28 2008, 19:01:56 UTC

jflsknglwkekrj!!

That means I love it. You should definatly keep going with this. :D

x_jerseygirl January 28 2008, 21:06:14 UTC

:D :D! Thanks!

I'll see what I can do. :)

tremblay88 January 28 2008, 19:38:45 UTC

YES PATRICK KANE AND JONATHAN TOEWSS STORRRYYY!!!
this was so cute, i loved it.
greattt job<3

x_jerseygirl January 28 2008, 21:06:46 UTC

*giggles* Sam and Pat just had to be written. :P

tremblay88 January 29 2008, 05:31:21 UTC

aw yess!
they are way to cute to not be writtenn abouttt.
when i seen them together at the youngstar game
aw, my heart melteddd!!

amyvand25 January 28 2008, 20:05:00 UTC

Just a bit of constructive criticism. Patrick Kane has never played for Team Canada...he's American, born in Buffalo NY.

x_jerseygirl January 28 2008, 20:49:49 UTC

Oh, whoops! I totally forgot! :P Does that interfere with the story much, though?

amyvand25 January 28 2008, 20:59:43 UTC

No...just an FYI in case you plan to use them again and the subject comes up.

And I second what crankygeek said. I think the opening would be much stronger as internal rather than dialogue.

x_jerseygirl January 28 2008, 21:07:37 UTC

Okay, I fixed up the opening and would like your opinion on it.

crankygeek January 28 2008, 20:50:01 UTC

Hee. Not going to lie: I have appreciation for these babies; this conversation was awfully cute. The last line makes me smiiiile. :)

Just one small thing - and of course, this is only my own opinion - I like the opening segment, I do. Just not particularly as dialogue; it's kind of long-winded, you know? Personally, I think your story would be even stronger if the opening monologue weren't speech but, rather, an internal monologue. So instead of starting the quote at the very beginning, maybe start the dialogue at Have you ever experienced heartache? and leave the rest as the build-up to the conversation (as an introduction to the conversation, almost). I think, that way, it will still work, you can still use the opening monologue, and it will prevent your character from running out of breath, so to speak! ;)

x_jerseygirl January 28 2008, 21:01:35 UTC

See, that's what I was wrestling with the most. Originally, this was going to be all in 2nd person, just a reflection by Pat about heartache. But then, I read about the boys going out to dinner together when Edmonton played the Hawks, and I just couldn't resist. I didn't really think about breaking it up into a few different series of..quotes by Pat, persay, but now, looking back on that, I think I could make it work. The only thing was that I was trying to make it seem like Jon was uninterested in what Pat was saying because it was so long, and really only paid attention to the last bits. But maybe I should have looked at all of my options before posting it, eh? :P Anyways, thank you dearly for the concrit! I can't tell you how much it's appreciated. :)

x_jerseygirl January 28 2008, 21:05:16 UTC

Okay, I added, rearranged, and would like your opinion. :)

crankygeek January 29 2008, 06:23:34 UTC

I still really like the idea of the opening paragraph, and I like that his speaking parts are now cut up and more evenly distributed. It's just...okay. You know how there's a difference between what people say and how they feel? I think you have the emotions bang on - that is exactly how it feels to have your heart break. It's just that it strikes me as something one would think, rather than say.

In other news, it's entirely possible that I'm crazy and have no idea what I'm talking about: since the dialogue is the opening to the conversation of the story, the fic works the way it is now, too.

Also, I don't think I told you the first time around, but I am quite charmed by your Toews' voice: I like that he cares but tries to hide it behind sounding matter-of-fact. :)

Thread 7

xsavedbygracex January 29 2008, 05:11:42 UTC

I love this. Sam/Patrick is love. And that fact that you threw Johnny and Andrew in there, my GOD woman, words cannot even describe my love for you right now.

Write. More. Please.

And thank you.

-K

x_jerseygirl January 29 2008, 21:36:20 UTC

*giggles* Thank you! They're irresistable. :)