Call My Name in the Storm; yoosu
Call My Name in the Storm
PG-13
Yoosu
2,877 words
A/N: many choppy scenes, may be confusing
"Junsu - Junsu, I can't breathe."
And Junsu doesn't move, doesn't move for a long time even though Yoochun is all uneven breaths and short gasps on the ground; on all fours and arms shaking. Yoochun heaves, hand moving to clutch his chest before he falls to his side. His body is so disgusting like that, all convulsing on the ground, twitching. Junsu wants it to stop.
‘He's having an attack. Are you going to help him?’
Junsu only realizes there are tears in his eyes when he blinks.
"Yoochun!" He rushes over to the man and presses his hand on his chest. The flesh underneath feels abnormally tight, the breathing rhythm unnatural. He unbuttons Yoochun's dress shirt, trying to figure out a way to help, do something - he has to do something. The skin around his ribs looks like it's being sucked in, hollowed where there’s no bone and tight where there is. "Yoochun, please please please don't do this."
The skin pulls tighter.
Yoochun can't even feel it when Junsu's tears start falling.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
//
The five gods rising in the east are broken down dolls backstage, waiting to be dusted and wound for another performance, spilling their hearts and twisting their guts to vomit long, cut notes that the fans will scream over. And the fans are going to ask for more, always more. Those sadists.
Encore, encore.
Junsu starts to wonder when the pain became bearable; when singing and dancing mindlessly to a SM-style song became routine instead of labor. Starved arms and concave stomachs become a norm even with all the food they ingest; it's not that they're not eating, it's just that for every bite there's another fifty dance steps they have to do. He's done catching his breath when Changmin comes over, patting him on the back, saying Junsu-hyung, the coordi wants to fix your hair.
Micky Yoochun is still sitting, uneven rise and falls of his chest trying to take in oxygen to his lungs. And Xiah Junsu thinks that's pathetic.
He does it because he loves it.
//
"Junsu, let's make Donghae cry."
Junsu smiles devilishly at Hyukjae, glad that they share a similar sense of humor. The newer-than-they-are-kid Donghae is their latest target of affection. This Donghae character is hyper, but also hyper-sensitive. Someone heard rumors about him debuting soon. The kid isn't that great, Junsu doesn't think so. They open the door to the dance studio where they've gotten used to practicing, expecting Donghae to be there and, as expected, he is.
Hyukjae speaks first. "Donghae, you're going to change. You're going to forget all about us."
Junsu is barely holding back giggles when he sees the frown start to form on Donghae's face. "Yeah, you're just going to become some snobby celebrity."
Dnghae's attempts to laugh it off die little by little and are replaced by the appearance softly wrinkled brows and stiff lips. He excuses himself and leaves to the bathroom. Hyukjae and Junsu exchange looks, but they don’t say anything. Junsu thinks that maybe he should feel bad, but he doesn’t feel anything. Hyukjae leads them to go find Donghae; the two of them stop at the door of the bathroom when they hear muffled sobbing. Hyukjae knocks on the door and Junsu just tries to hold in his giggles.
"I'm not gonna change!" Donghae punches the door from the inside; Junsu bursts out laughing while Hyukjae is trying not to laugh and apologize (sort of).
//
Yoochun starts wheezing, trying to catch oxygen in his lungs. And there's a glimmer in Junsu's eyes that he recognizes but doesn't know. And it's the Junsu that's on stage, the Junsu at practice, and not the Junsu Yoochun invited to join him tonight. Yoochun braces himself against the car, tries to concentrate on a point. His inhaler, it's at home; he was so stupid to leave it at home. "Jun-"
His words are cut off by a hand around his neck.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
"Do what?"
"You know what."
//
"...and it won’t have to happen again."
Yoochun hears Junsu’s voice when he’s walking in the hallway at hours way passed midnight and too close to dawn. He’s used to being the only one up with the exception of Yunho, who’s only up trying to get him to go to sleep. When he looks into the room, Yunho and Changmin are asleep in their beds, blankets half falling off their bodies. Junsu has opened his window and his mouth is still moving, whispering and Yoochun can’t make out the words.
"Who are you talking to?"
There is a long pause; Junsu is still staring out the window. His eyebrows relax when he finally looks at Yoochun and he answers.
"...God."
Yoochun walks in, notices when Junsu flinches at first, and fixes Yunho and Changmin’s blankets. “Well, I’m going to sleep - you should too.”
//
"Yoochunnie looks so cute with his skin all flushed like that. I wonder - when do you think it turns blue?" His hand tightens around the neck and Yoochun's Adam’s apple pushes against his palm. It bothers him, bothers him a lot and he pushes more, wants to make it go away. He hears Yoochun trying to say something, feels it vibrating against his palm. Junsu, he thinks Yoochun wants to say, wants to scream. But his hand just presses harder against the man’s throat, tries to close all the way. Yoochun's body begins to shake, and that’s annoying as hell; his wheezing has turned into silent gasps and opencloseopenclose motions of his mouth.
And he wants to end it.
“Kim Junsu.” Yoochun sounds like he's tearing his voice from his throat.
Junsu's eyebrows wrinkle together, confused when he feels his grip loosening.
"Junsu - Junsu, I can't breathe."
Junsu lets go, dropping Yoochun to the ground.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
"Do what?"
"You know what."
"I don't know. He makes me feel -"
"Don't let him do it again."
//
A pillow lands on his face - or more like slams onto it.
"Stop singing." Yoochun says between chuckles while Junsu is coughing into the pillow. He's lying next to Junsu on the floor, way too exhausted after practice to actually move into their bedrooms; and the shower has been occupied by faster runners and longer legs. "Don't you think we did enough of that today?"
Practice was the usual - torture, but Junsu is slightly crazy and loves it. And he knows Yoochun does too; a contract isn’t enough to hold them down like this.
"It has to be perfect." Junsu says, pushing the pillow off his face. He sees that Yoochun's face is trying to hold back a frown. "I have to practice to make up for the mediocre arrangements."
And finally, Junsu gets what he wants - a smile.
"You aren't doing a very good job then. I don't know why people would pay for dying dolphin sounds."
There's a challenge in Junsu's eyes and he starts to sing-
--but Yoochun saves his voice for him with his lips.
//
Hyukjae has been running in the 3 block radius of the SM building. So much for congratulating Junsu on the debut; he started looking for Junsu as soon as he heard (He thought that, as Junsu’s best friend, he would be getting the first phone call). He can barely believe it’s finally going to happen, to Junsu, after all these years. But Junsu isn't anywhere to be found. His mom is worrying about him, and Junsu doesn't make his mom worry. He just doesn't and Hyukjae knows this.
It's already getting dark out when he finds Junsu at the soccer field at their high school, more than 3 blocks away and familiar enough for Hyukjae to know he should have looked there first. Junsu is still in the thin shirt and sweatpants he wore to dance class, sitting on the bleachers, face in his hands and legs folded to his chest. Hyukjae is about to approach him when he hears another voice.
"But I promised Hyukjae." He almost doesn't catch what Junsu says; it sounds like the boy had been sobbing.
"Forget him. Your sweat and tears are your own, Junsu." Hyukjae doesn’t know who it is but he sounds like Junsu so much that it's eerie; the only difference is that the voice is deeper, smoother, and more swallowed.
"That's not the point. We were in this together."
"You are so stupid, Junsu."
"How could you be so heartless?"
"You made me that way."
The short silence that follows tells Hyukjae to come out of hiding, walking up to the other boy. When Junsu looks up and sees Hyukjae, he thinks Hyukjae has figured it out, or he's trying to.
"Hyukjae." There is no one else there. "Hyuk-" Junsu cuts himself off, choking back a cry.
And it's one of those rare moments when Hyukjae isn't going to call Junsu a crybaby, isn't going to provoke him, and isn't looking for an insult to throw. It's one of those moments where he can hold Junsu, hold the shaking boy in his arms and want to make it better. He was so proud before.
"Hyukjae, don't tell anyone." Junsu mumbles into Hyukjae's shirt, which Hyukjae finds disgusting from the tears and snot rubbed on it, but he doesn't say anything.
"I won't, Junsu. I won't."
"His name is Xiah."
"Oh."
//
"Don't mess up now, Junsu."
"I mess up as many times as you don't cry."
"I don't always cry." Yoochun pokes at Junsu's ribcage while Junsu is standing in front of the mirror fixing his hair, eyes concentrated. He attempts to play with fabric not loose enough to hang from Junsu's skin. Under shimmery, cold gold, he can feel Junsu - Junsu's skin that is warm and soft, tender but masculine.
The crew starts calling for Junsu - his solo stage is up next. "Cry for me, it seems to bring me luck." Junsu pats Yoochun's cheek and leaves.
The performance is perfect even without Yoochun’s tears.
//
He grips at Junsu's hips, pressing pale, dry skin onto cold, hard bone inside. Yoochun meets almost every downward drop of Junsu's body with an upward thrust. Junsu is like he is on stage, head thrown back, veins popping up at the neck, breathless and beautiful.
Yoochun is all ah-ah-ah's into the air, wants more of Junsu. Junsu, Junsu, Junsu.
"Jun-" And he's cut off by Junsu's lips, crushed on his - harsh and commanding. Yoochun can feel Junsu's hand between their bodies, jerking himself off as he pushes back, taking in more.
Junsu sucks on Yoochun’s bottom lip, pulling between teeth, before letting go. "Shut up, shut up." Their lips bump when he starts riding harder, faster; the hot puffs of breath so close to him drive Yoochun crazy. He wants to take in Junsu, all of him, and lifts his head, wants to kiss Junsu, show him if he can't tell him. But Junsu moves down, sucks on his neck, stealing away his voice, paralyzing his throat.
And Junsu can feel it on his tongue when Yoochun comes.
//
"Yoochun, please please please don't do this."
Yoochun can barely hear Junsu over the blood rushing in his ears; he sounds so far away. Junsu’s back, he thinks, You just have to ask for him; he’ll always come back if you ask for him. He already can't feel his chest - his fingers and toes burning numb. Junsu's fingers are entwined in his, squeezing and Yoochun only knows because he can feel his hand moving.
His vision is already starting to blur when he sees Junsu reach inside his pocket for his cell phone.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
"Do what?"
"You know what."
"I don't know. He makes me feel -"
"Don't let him do it again."
"He didn't do anything!"
"He messed you up, Junsu. Yoochun messed you up."
//
Junsu feels alone on a quiet bus, making his way to the photo shoot location. He had arrived in Paris 10 minutes ago, and was rushed onto the bus right after. Brazil was fun but Junsu misses a certain something he'll never be about to place in finger on. The bus jumps up and down occasionally on its way, making it hard to read the vocabulary that he is trying to perfect before they go back to Japan, and even harder to sleep. The bus slows to a stop but his tired body can feel the jerk of the vehicle under his feet.
He notices the bright sunlight outside for the first time since he's arrived in France; it's glaring through the window next to him. He can see the silhouettes of the people - the family - he hasn't seen in (what seems like) forever across the street, waving and jumping.
When he gets off the bus, four voices are trying to harmonize his name and he can't help laughing, eyes squeezing shut, hiding from the French sun. Crossing the street earns him tight hugging, face squishing, and cheek poking. Jaejoong comments on how skinny he has gotten and all Junsu can say is, "I'm hungry" (not that he's lying). Yoochun still has a tight hold on him when they're trying to move further onto the sidewalk and away from oncoming traffic.
Yoochun buries his face into Junsu's shoulder, "Junsu, I missed you so much." It almost hurts, how truthful the confession sounds, but it's easily forgotten when Yoochun pulls back and smiles as bright as the Paris sun.
//
He's collapsed against Yoochun's body, chest expanding and compressing.
"Junsu?"
He rolls off, lays on his side, his back to Yoochun. "Mm?"
"Are you serious?"
Junsu twists back a bit, confused. Yoochun isn't looking at him, staring at the ceiling before closing his eyes. "Serious?"
"Is there a reason I'm not allowed to say your name?"
"You just did."
"Not right now." The way Yoochun wrinkles his eyebrows shouldn't hurt Junsu as much as it does. But Junsu doesn't answer and Yoochun just pulls the sheets up to cover his body, turning on his side.
//
'Don't you dare, Junsu.'
And he's pulling Yoochun back, aligning them so they are five gods once again instead of broken notes and incomplete melodies. He wants to say, We need you Yoochun, but all he has are gentle pushes and soft laughs; he wants to say, I need you, Yoochun, but that's terribly cliché, and he would never - never ever. Yoochun is barely singing when he's back, holding his mic with two hands and trying to make himself smaller.
'He's kind of useless like that.'
The music swells to a note, a note that Junsu finds himself not reaching, and he feels himself crying. And he stops; he just stops and has to let it out.
Yoochun is the only person that can stop him from singing.
'You let him do that.’
//
Xiah Junsu had been here for a very long time. He had been here for the classes; the most intense ones that made Junsu want his legs to fall off and they didn't, even though he wanted them to so badly. And Xiah is the one that dances; the one that sings when Junsu feels he’s drowning too deep in sin, Xiah will do it for him.
And nothing is going to weaken Junsu with Xiah around.
//
Yoochun is in the hospital the next time Junsu sees him. They all visit Yoochun's room one by one - the doctor doesn't want Yoochun overwhelmed. Junsu waits a long time, Jaejoong lets him in last.
The walls are too white and Junsu is scared when Yoochun doesn't exactly stick out from his surroundings. He takes the seat next to Yoochun's hospital bed, playing with his thumbs, not knowing what to say. Hey, sorry for trying to kill you, didn't seem the right way to go about it.
"Junsu."
"Yoochun?" He looks up, and Yoochun is looking at him, smiling.
"Kim Junsu."
"Yes?"
"Nothing. Just checking." Yoochun laughs weakly, but that doesn't make Junsu feel any better. Why does Yoochun have to involve himself in Junsu’s problems?
"You know, you have to stop smoking to avoid problems like these and you need to do more cardio you should join when Changmin and I go running or something and all the booze isn't going to help your system and how dare you ever scare me like that you should have had your inhaler with you what were you thinking how could you not bring it remember that time at the concert when you almost had an attack." He takes a deep breath after he's done, waiting for Yoochun to respond. “Don’t mess me up like this, Yoochun.”
“Junsu?”
“I like it when you say my name.”
“I know.”
“Shut up.” He wants to punch Yoochun in the arm, but doesn’t. “Yoochun…”
“Your turn to shut up.”
Junsu takes Yoochun’s hand, squeezes it, wants to apologize but knows that he can’t. “I want it to stop.”
“Junsu.”
“Hm?”
“Just don’t be scared and Xiah will leave.”
PG-13
Yoosu
2,877 words
A/N: many choppy scenes, may be confusing
"Junsu - Junsu, I can't breathe."
And Junsu doesn't move, doesn't move for a long time even though Yoochun is all uneven breaths and short gasps on the ground; on all fours and arms shaking. Yoochun heaves, hand moving to clutch his chest before he falls to his side. His body is so disgusting like that, all convulsing on the ground, twitching. Junsu wants it to stop.
‘He's having an attack. Are you going to help him?’
Junsu only realizes there are tears in his eyes when he blinks.
"Yoochun!" He rushes over to the man and presses his hand on his chest. The flesh underneath feels abnormally tight, the breathing rhythm unnatural. He unbuttons Yoochun's dress shirt, trying to figure out a way to help, do something - he has to do something. The skin around his ribs looks like it's being sucked in, hollowed where there’s no bone and tight where there is. "Yoochun, please please please don't do this."
The skin pulls tighter.
Yoochun can't even feel it when Junsu's tears start falling.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
//
The five gods rising in the east are broken down dolls backstage, waiting to be dusted and wound for another performance, spilling their hearts and twisting their guts to vomit long, cut notes that the fans will scream over. And the fans are going to ask for more, always more. Those sadists.
Encore, encore.
Junsu starts to wonder when the pain became bearable; when singing and dancing mindlessly to a SM-style song became routine instead of labor. Starved arms and concave stomachs become a norm even with all the food they ingest; it's not that they're not eating, it's just that for every bite there's another fifty dance steps they have to do. He's done catching his breath when Changmin comes over, patting him on the back, saying Junsu-hyung, the coordi wants to fix your hair.
Micky Yoochun is still sitting, uneven rise and falls of his chest trying to take in oxygen to his lungs. And Xiah Junsu thinks that's pathetic.
He does it because he loves it.
//
"Junsu, let's make Donghae cry."
Junsu smiles devilishly at Hyukjae, glad that they share a similar sense of humor. The newer-than-they-are-kid Donghae is their latest target of affection. This Donghae character is hyper, but also hyper-sensitive. Someone heard rumors about him debuting soon. The kid isn't that great, Junsu doesn't think so. They open the door to the dance studio where they've gotten used to practicing, expecting Donghae to be there and, as expected, he is.
Hyukjae speaks first. "Donghae, you're going to change. You're going to forget all about us."
Junsu is barely holding back giggles when he sees the frown start to form on Donghae's face. "Yeah, you're just going to become some snobby celebrity."
Dnghae's attempts to laugh it off die little by little and are replaced by the appearance softly wrinkled brows and stiff lips. He excuses himself and leaves to the bathroom. Hyukjae and Junsu exchange looks, but they don’t say anything. Junsu thinks that maybe he should feel bad, but he doesn’t feel anything. Hyukjae leads them to go find Donghae; the two of them stop at the door of the bathroom when they hear muffled sobbing. Hyukjae knocks on the door and Junsu just tries to hold in his giggles.
"I'm not gonna change!" Donghae punches the door from the inside; Junsu bursts out laughing while Hyukjae is trying not to laugh and apologize (sort of).
//
Yoochun starts wheezing, trying to catch oxygen in his lungs. And there's a glimmer in Junsu's eyes that he recognizes but doesn't know. And it's the Junsu that's on stage, the Junsu at practice, and not the Junsu Yoochun invited to join him tonight. Yoochun braces himself against the car, tries to concentrate on a point. His inhaler, it's at home; he was so stupid to leave it at home. "Jun-"
His words are cut off by a hand around his neck.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
"Do what?"
"You know what."
//
"...and it won’t have to happen again."
Yoochun hears Junsu’s voice when he’s walking in the hallway at hours way passed midnight and too close to dawn. He’s used to being the only one up with the exception of Yunho, who’s only up trying to get him to go to sleep. When he looks into the room, Yunho and Changmin are asleep in their beds, blankets half falling off their bodies. Junsu has opened his window and his mouth is still moving, whispering and Yoochun can’t make out the words.
"Who are you talking to?"
There is a long pause; Junsu is still staring out the window. His eyebrows relax when he finally looks at Yoochun and he answers.
"...God."
Yoochun walks in, notices when Junsu flinches at first, and fixes Yunho and Changmin’s blankets. “Well, I’m going to sleep - you should too.”
//
"Yoochunnie looks so cute with his skin all flushed like that. I wonder - when do you think it turns blue?" His hand tightens around the neck and Yoochun's Adam’s apple pushes against his palm. It bothers him, bothers him a lot and he pushes more, wants to make it go away. He hears Yoochun trying to say something, feels it vibrating against his palm. Junsu, he thinks Yoochun wants to say, wants to scream. But his hand just presses harder against the man’s throat, tries to close all the way. Yoochun's body begins to shake, and that’s annoying as hell; his wheezing has turned into silent gasps and opencloseopenclose motions of his mouth.
And he wants to end it.
“Kim Junsu.” Yoochun sounds like he's tearing his voice from his throat.
Junsu's eyebrows wrinkle together, confused when he feels his grip loosening.
"Junsu - Junsu, I can't breathe."
Junsu lets go, dropping Yoochun to the ground.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
"Do what?"
"You know what."
"I don't know. He makes me feel -"
"Don't let him do it again."
//
A pillow lands on his face - or more like slams onto it.
"Stop singing." Yoochun says between chuckles while Junsu is coughing into the pillow. He's lying next to Junsu on the floor, way too exhausted after practice to actually move into their bedrooms; and the shower has been occupied by faster runners and longer legs. "Don't you think we did enough of that today?"
Practice was the usual - torture, but Junsu is slightly crazy and loves it. And he knows Yoochun does too; a contract isn’t enough to hold them down like this.
"It has to be perfect." Junsu says, pushing the pillow off his face. He sees that Yoochun's face is trying to hold back a frown. "I have to practice to make up for the mediocre arrangements."
And finally, Junsu gets what he wants - a smile.
"You aren't doing a very good job then. I don't know why people would pay for dying dolphin sounds."
There's a challenge in Junsu's eyes and he starts to sing-
--but Yoochun saves his voice for him with his lips.
//
Hyukjae has been running in the 3 block radius of the SM building. So much for congratulating Junsu on the debut; he started looking for Junsu as soon as he heard (He thought that, as Junsu’s best friend, he would be getting the first phone call). He can barely believe it’s finally going to happen, to Junsu, after all these years. But Junsu isn't anywhere to be found. His mom is worrying about him, and Junsu doesn't make his mom worry. He just doesn't and Hyukjae knows this.
It's already getting dark out when he finds Junsu at the soccer field at their high school, more than 3 blocks away and familiar enough for Hyukjae to know he should have looked there first. Junsu is still in the thin shirt and sweatpants he wore to dance class, sitting on the bleachers, face in his hands and legs folded to his chest. Hyukjae is about to approach him when he hears another voice.
"But I promised Hyukjae." He almost doesn't catch what Junsu says; it sounds like the boy had been sobbing.
"Forget him. Your sweat and tears are your own, Junsu." Hyukjae doesn’t know who it is but he sounds like Junsu so much that it's eerie; the only difference is that the voice is deeper, smoother, and more swallowed.
"That's not the point. We were in this together."
"You are so stupid, Junsu."
"How could you be so heartless?"
"You made me that way."
The short silence that follows tells Hyukjae to come out of hiding, walking up to the other boy. When Junsu looks up and sees Hyukjae, he thinks Hyukjae has figured it out, or he's trying to.
"Hyukjae." There is no one else there. "Hyuk-" Junsu cuts himself off, choking back a cry.
And it's one of those rare moments when Hyukjae isn't going to call Junsu a crybaby, isn't going to provoke him, and isn't looking for an insult to throw. It's one of those moments where he can hold Junsu, hold the shaking boy in his arms and want to make it better. He was so proud before.
"Hyukjae, don't tell anyone." Junsu mumbles into Hyukjae's shirt, which Hyukjae finds disgusting from the tears and snot rubbed on it, but he doesn't say anything.
"I won't, Junsu. I won't."
"His name is Xiah."
"Oh."
//
"Don't mess up now, Junsu."
"I mess up as many times as you don't cry."
"I don't always cry." Yoochun pokes at Junsu's ribcage while Junsu is standing in front of the mirror fixing his hair, eyes concentrated. He attempts to play with fabric not loose enough to hang from Junsu's skin. Under shimmery, cold gold, he can feel Junsu - Junsu's skin that is warm and soft, tender but masculine.
The crew starts calling for Junsu - his solo stage is up next. "Cry for me, it seems to bring me luck." Junsu pats Yoochun's cheek and leaves.
The performance is perfect even without Yoochun’s tears.
//
He grips at Junsu's hips, pressing pale, dry skin onto cold, hard bone inside. Yoochun meets almost every downward drop of Junsu's body with an upward thrust. Junsu is like he is on stage, head thrown back, veins popping up at the neck, breathless and beautiful.
Yoochun is all ah-ah-ah's into the air, wants more of Junsu. Junsu, Junsu, Junsu.
"Jun-" And he's cut off by Junsu's lips, crushed on his - harsh and commanding. Yoochun can feel Junsu's hand between their bodies, jerking himself off as he pushes back, taking in more.
Junsu sucks on Yoochun’s bottom lip, pulling between teeth, before letting go. "Shut up, shut up." Their lips bump when he starts riding harder, faster; the hot puffs of breath so close to him drive Yoochun crazy. He wants to take in Junsu, all of him, and lifts his head, wants to kiss Junsu, show him if he can't tell him. But Junsu moves down, sucks on his neck, stealing away his voice, paralyzing his throat.
And Junsu can feel it on his tongue when Yoochun comes.
//
"Yoochun, please please please don't do this."
Yoochun can barely hear Junsu over the blood rushing in his ears; he sounds so far away. Junsu’s back, he thinks, You just have to ask for him; he’ll always come back if you ask for him. He already can't feel his chest - his fingers and toes burning numb. Junsu's fingers are entwined in his, squeezing and Yoochun only knows because he can feel his hand moving.
His vision is already starting to blur when he sees Junsu reach inside his pocket for his cell phone.
//
"Junsu, why did you let him do that?"
"Do what?"
"You know what."
"I don't know. He makes me feel -"
"Don't let him do it again."
"He didn't do anything!"
"He messed you up, Junsu. Yoochun messed you up."
//
Junsu feels alone on a quiet bus, making his way to the photo shoot location. He had arrived in Paris 10 minutes ago, and was rushed onto the bus right after. Brazil was fun but Junsu misses a certain something he'll never be about to place in finger on. The bus jumps up and down occasionally on its way, making it hard to read the vocabulary that he is trying to perfect before they go back to Japan, and even harder to sleep. The bus slows to a stop but his tired body can feel the jerk of the vehicle under his feet.
He notices the bright sunlight outside for the first time since he's arrived in France; it's glaring through the window next to him. He can see the silhouettes of the people - the family - he hasn't seen in (what seems like) forever across the street, waving and jumping.
When he gets off the bus, four voices are trying to harmonize his name and he can't help laughing, eyes squeezing shut, hiding from the French sun. Crossing the street earns him tight hugging, face squishing, and cheek poking. Jaejoong comments on how skinny he has gotten and all Junsu can say is, "I'm hungry" (not that he's lying). Yoochun still has a tight hold on him when they're trying to move further onto the sidewalk and away from oncoming traffic.
Yoochun buries his face into Junsu's shoulder, "Junsu, I missed you so much." It almost hurts, how truthful the confession sounds, but it's easily forgotten when Yoochun pulls back and smiles as bright as the Paris sun.
//
He's collapsed against Yoochun's body, chest expanding and compressing.
"Junsu?"
He rolls off, lays on his side, his back to Yoochun. "Mm?"
"Are you serious?"
Junsu twists back a bit, confused. Yoochun isn't looking at him, staring at the ceiling before closing his eyes. "Serious?"
"Is there a reason I'm not allowed to say your name?"
"You just did."
"Not right now." The way Yoochun wrinkles his eyebrows shouldn't hurt Junsu as much as it does. But Junsu doesn't answer and Yoochun just pulls the sheets up to cover his body, turning on his side.
//
'Don't you dare, Junsu.'
And he's pulling Yoochun back, aligning them so they are five gods once again instead of broken notes and incomplete melodies. He wants to say, We need you Yoochun, but all he has are gentle pushes and soft laughs; he wants to say, I need you, Yoochun, but that's terribly cliché, and he would never - never ever. Yoochun is barely singing when he's back, holding his mic with two hands and trying to make himself smaller.
'He's kind of useless like that.'
The music swells to a note, a note that Junsu finds himself not reaching, and he feels himself crying. And he stops; he just stops and has to let it out.
Yoochun is the only person that can stop him from singing.
'You let him do that.’
//
Xiah Junsu had been here for a very long time. He had been here for the classes; the most intense ones that made Junsu want his legs to fall off and they didn't, even though he wanted them to so badly. And Xiah is the one that dances; the one that sings when Junsu feels he’s drowning too deep in sin, Xiah will do it for him.
And nothing is going to weaken Junsu with Xiah around.
//
Yoochun is in the hospital the next time Junsu sees him. They all visit Yoochun's room one by one - the doctor doesn't want Yoochun overwhelmed. Junsu waits a long time, Jaejoong lets him in last.
The walls are too white and Junsu is scared when Yoochun doesn't exactly stick out from his surroundings. He takes the seat next to Yoochun's hospital bed, playing with his thumbs, not knowing what to say. Hey, sorry for trying to kill you, didn't seem the right way to go about it.
"Junsu."
"Yoochun?" He looks up, and Yoochun is looking at him, smiling.
"Kim Junsu."
"Yes?"
"Nothing. Just checking." Yoochun laughs weakly, but that doesn't make Junsu feel any better. Why does Yoochun have to involve himself in Junsu’s problems?
"You know, you have to stop smoking to avoid problems like these and you need to do more cardio you should join when Changmin and I go running or something and all the booze isn't going to help your system and how dare you ever scare me like that you should have had your inhaler with you what were you thinking how could you not bring it remember that time at the concert when you almost had an attack." He takes a deep breath after he's done, waiting for Yoochun to respond. “Don’t mess me up like this, Yoochun.”
“Junsu?”
“I like it when you say my name.”
“I know.”
“Shut up.” He wants to punch Yoochun in the arm, but doesn’t. “Yoochun…”
“Your turn to shut up.”
Junsu takes Yoochun’s hand, squeezes it, wants to apologize but knows that he can’t. “I want it to stop.”
“Junsu.”
“Hm?”
“Just don’t be scared and Xiah will leave.”