With My Dimensional Displacement Beam I'll Confuse The World (multi-verse crackfic)
Title: With My Dimensional Displacement Beam I'll Confuse The World
Characters/Paring: Oh God. Slashes indicate the body/personality. Mal/Captain Hammer, Wash/Alpha, River/Cameron, Jayne/Casey, Kaylee/Goth Chick from Dead Like Me, Zoë, Simon. Pairings aren't really big, but there are very subtle hints of one-sided Hammer/all the girls, and maybe even a little Hammer/Goth Chick. Simon/Goth Chick XD
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1774
Spoilers/Warnings: This is the crackiest thing I've ever written, so I'm gonna go ahead and say no. It is after "Those Left Behind" in the Firefly-verse, though, and before Serenity. Also possible OOC, since it's crack. And I've never watched The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Thaaat was fun.
Summary: Zoë was fairly sure she was going crazy. Either that, or the rest of the crew was going crazy and she was just the unfortunate witness.
Disclaimer: I don't own... any of the fandoms I used.
A/N: This was written for wintermoon3 for whedon_santa, and one of her requests waaas.... "cross-verse mistaken identities with the characters played by the same actors (the funnier/crackier, the better)cross-verse mistaken identities with the characters played by the same actors (the funnier/crackier, the better)". I hope I made this cracky/funny enough. I couldn't just choose one character to replace. ;) I hope you like it, Cindy!
Zoë was fairly sure she was going crazy. Either that, or the rest of the crew was going crazy and she was just the unfortunate witness. It really had to be the only explanation -- there was nothing else that could justify the way things had suddenly turned.
Simon, the only member of the crew that seemed to retain himself other than her, stared with gawking eyes at where Wash and River were currently glaring daggers at each other, circling in the middle of the cargo bay in positions poised and ready to fight.
“You’re messing with the wrong girl,” River quietly warned Wash, who just sneered in response as he loosely held a piece of scrap metal as a makeshift knife in his hand.
“You don’t know who you’re messing with,” he barked back, smirking in a somewhat insane way as he darted towards River with his knife outstretched.
“River!” Simon shouted, but he needn’t have worried. Wash moved fast, but River moved faster, dodging out of the way of Wash’s blurred knife thrusts and elbowing her adversary sharply in the side of his neck. He crumpled to the ground, dazed and confused.
“Well, then,” River folded her arms over her chest, casting a surreptitious glance in Simon and Zoë’s direction, “now that that’s out of the way, would anybody care to enlighten me as to where I am?”
“I think that’s something we’d all like to know,” Jayne’s voice grunted from the catwalk above them, and Zoë glanced up to see him standing with a gun poised at them. “Would anyone like to tell me what the hell I’m doing on a spaceship?”
“Ai-ya,” Simon muttered beneath his breath as he saw Kaylee slink almost sultrily from the engine room. “Tyen-ah...”
“Everybody stand back!” Mal wooshed his arms out in front of him, motioning for the others to stay away as he grandly approached Zoë and Simon. “I’ll handle this.” He smirked haughtily, spreading his arms even wider as he half-shouted, “I come in peace!”
“Captain...?” Zoë gazed at him sharply, and Mal’s hands fell to his side.
“Oh. False alarm! No need to worry, folks,” he shouted out again, “she knows who I am!” He raised his eyebrows, folding his arms across his chest as he stood up a little straighter. “I think we can help each other, Miss,” he stated plainly, “You help me get home and I’ll...” his eyes trailed conspicuously down her body, “well, I’m sure I can return the favor.”
Zoë’s eyes narrowed dangerously and she took a pointed step backwards. “First things first, Sir, I think we should find out what the hell’s going on.” She looked over towards Simon. “Doctor, go make sure my husband is all right, and if he’s still actin’ like a crazy person restrain him with somethin’. We don’t need any more casualties.”
“Uh... right. Right.” Simon nodded, hastening to Wash’s side and kneeling beside him, gingerly feeling the area around his neck. “He’s still intact. River just hit him hard enough to incapacitate him.”
“My name’s Cameron,” River corrected, hunching down with a thick rope in her hands; where in the world she had found it, and when she had had the time to even look for it Zoë couldn’t begin to guess at. Simon turned and gawked at her again, and River -- or Cameron, or whatever her name was -- rolled her eyes. “Shut your mouth, you look like an idiot.” Simon snapped his mouth closed, and Cameron nodded. “Thank you. Now help me tie this guy up.”
“Husband?” Mal repeated, blinking slowly as he gazed to the semi-unconscious Wash on the floor. “Damn. Well, then...” he gazed over towards Kaylee, lips curving upwards into a faux-charming smile again. “How’d you like to help me get home?”
Kaylee smirked, slinking closer. “Can I get my reward beforehand?”
“Okay!” Zoë shook her head in exasperation, reaching to her belt and drawing her gun. “How about no rewards and no helping? Everybody, get up the stairs and into the dining area. Now.”
------------
The entire company settled uncomfortably at the table -- Zoë made sure to keep Mal far away from Kaylee. Whenever they came back to themselves (if they ever came back to themselves, she worried to think) they wouldn’t want that hanging over them.
“Whoa,” Mal whistled as he gazed at the space around them through the windows in the ceiling. “Ranger Joe was right.”
“My name’s Casey,” Jayne-Casey ground out in frustration, leaning back in his chair and holding tightly onto the sniper-rifle he had found in the room he had woken up. “John Casey. I work for the NSA, so if this is a kidnapping attempt--”
“Everybody shut your tyen-sah duh mouths,” Zoë interrupted, slamming her palms down on the table. “This ain’t a kidnapping attempt. I have no rutting idea what’s going on. You--” she jabbed her finger at Jayne, who raised his eyebrows at the gesture. “You are Jayne Cobb. Mercenary and a good shot even when drugged. And you--” she directed her gaze towards Mal, who, never deterred, smiled and winked. “You are setting my head all a-whirl even more than my deranged husband, who’s apparently taken on the persona of a sociopath.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Wash sneered, working fervently to untie the ropes around his wrists. But River -- who seemed to have placed herself as the sole watcher over the erratic individual -- frowned and elbowed him for the second time that night, this time in the shoulder. “Ow!” He fumed at her in indignation
“Serves you right,” she muttered under her breath. “Stop trying to escape. You’re not faster than I am, anyway.”
“Okay,” Simon spoke up then, standing up from his seat. “Okay, there has to be a rational explanation for all of this. Zoë and I seem to be the only ones who have any idea where we are. All of you seem to think you’re somebody other than who you are.”
“Not so!” Mal stood up then. “I may be wearing oddly tailored clothing -- brown is definitely not my colour -- but I know I’m Captain Hammer.” He glanced dramatically off to the side. “Handsome. Brave. Strong. Hero.” He glanced back at the group, swinging his fist as if struck by an idea. “This has got to be the work of that wretched Doctor!”
“Hey!” Simon protested, taking a step closer to the captain. “I didn’t do this!”
“Oh, not you,” Mal waved a flippant hand casually before running it through his hair. “That other kind of doctor. Mad-scientist-like. Doctor Horrible. He’s always trying to foil my attempts to save the day.”
“Who’s this Doctor Horrible?” Kaylee piped in, smiling in an almost wicked way. “He sounds hot. Is he single?” She laughed. “Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t care if he’s single.”
“Kaylee!” Simon gaped at her -- something he found himself doing a lot today -- and she met his gaze across the table, her eyes lighting up mischievously. She pushed her chair back and strode towards Simon with purpose, hooking a finger into the collar of his shirt.
“Call me Raven,” she told him, pulling the dumbfounded doctor towards the engine room. “I’m not used to wearing all these layers of clothing. Mind helping me take some off?”
“Ahh--ahh--I don’t... what--” Simon fumbled over his words, and let her lead him away.
“Right then,” Captain Hammer smirked in their direction, “back to my Horrible theory. I’m sure it’s him. He’s always behind these things. He must’ve built a new one of those contraptions of his. I’m sure it’ll go haywire and stop working soon. They always do. I always win.”
“Yeah, your championship is very apparent,” Jayne mumbled dryly, shaking his head. He cast his gaze towards Zoë, “I don’t suppose Burbank, California is anywhere on your radar?”
“Never heard of it,” Zoë offered, shaking her head. “Even if I had, our pilot is currently...” she glanced surreptitiously towards Wash, who was once again busy working on his binds. “... not able to fly.”
“Pretty sure I was imprinted with a pilot once,” Wash bargained with what he probably assumed was a harmless grin. “Untie me and I can fly this thing.”
“You need to work on your bargaining skills,” River told him flatly, elbowing him again. He cast her a dirty look. So did Mal.
“I had sex with a girl like you once. Pretty thing. Very... sure of herself. One of them feminist types.” He frowned. “Can’t remember her name, though. I think she became a villain.”
“If she slept with you, I wouldn’t blame her,” River countered instantly, an air of boredom in her voice, and Zoë found herself smirking. She liked this one.
“Aw, come on, now,” Mal cooed (cooed?!) at River, leaning over her arrogantly. “There’s a reason I’m called Captain Hammer, and I can tell you... my fists? Not the hammer.” He paused, before adding, almost as an afterthought, “The hammer is my penis.”
“You are about five seconds away from having your hammer permanently bent backwards. One, two...” River glowered at him, and Wash let out a single laugh.
“Might want to take her seriously, Captain Moron,” he warned, and he felt the bonds loosening. Mal waved his hand.
“No, no, she’ll give me a chance. They always do. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” he sang.
“Three, four...”
“Sir...” Zoë drew out the word slowly. “I really think you should--”
“Finally!” Wash leapt out of the chair towards River, and Jayne in turn leapt to his feet and dived across the table to catch him around the waist.
“Five!” River drew her leg back in preparation for a kick as Mal leaned in closer.
Then, as quickly as it had begun, it ended. There was a flash of stillness, a moment where it seemed like all the action just stopped, before everything resumed.
Mal pulled himself back in confusion just before his lips met River’s, and River lowered the leg she had been prepared to kick him with back to the floor, tilting her head in the direction of the engine room, where Zoë could hear a shout of shock and a cry of relief. Jayne and Wash crashed into the floor, staying there in a dazed silence.
“Zoë?” Mal glanced confusedly in her direction, and Zoë just shook her head as if to say ‘don’t ask me.’
“Jayne?” Wash blinked once, twice, and the other man grunted as he pushed himself up.
“What?” Jayne grumbled.
“Does this mean you want to go someplace with candlelight?”
Characters/Paring: Oh God. Slashes indicate the body/personality. Mal/Captain Hammer, Wash/Alpha, River/Cameron, Jayne/Casey, Kaylee/Goth Chick from Dead Like Me, Zoë, Simon. Pairings aren't really big, but there are very subtle hints of one-sided Hammer/all the girls, and maybe even a little Hammer/Goth Chick. Simon/Goth Chick XD
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1774
Spoilers/Warnings: This is the crackiest thing I've ever written, so I'm gonna go ahead and say no. It is after "Those Left Behind" in the Firefly-verse, though, and before Serenity. Also possible OOC, since it's crack. And I've never watched The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Thaaat was fun.
Summary: Zoë was fairly sure she was going crazy. Either that, or the rest of the crew was going crazy and she was just the unfortunate witness.
Disclaimer: I don't own... any of the fandoms I used.
A/N: This was written for wintermoon3 for whedon_santa, and one of her requests waaas.... "cross-verse mistaken identities with the characters played by the same actors (the funnier/crackier, the better)cross-verse mistaken identities with the characters played by the same actors (the funnier/crackier, the better)". I hope I made this cracky/funny enough. I couldn't just choose one character to replace. ;) I hope you like it, Cindy!
Zoë was fairly sure she was going crazy. Either that, or the rest of the crew was going crazy and she was just the unfortunate witness. It really had to be the only explanation -- there was nothing else that could justify the way things had suddenly turned.
Simon, the only member of the crew that seemed to retain himself other than her, stared with gawking eyes at where Wash and River were currently glaring daggers at each other, circling in the middle of the cargo bay in positions poised and ready to fight.
“You’re messing with the wrong girl,” River quietly warned Wash, who just sneered in response as he loosely held a piece of scrap metal as a makeshift knife in his hand.
“You don’t know who you’re messing with,” he barked back, smirking in a somewhat insane way as he darted towards River with his knife outstretched.
“River!” Simon shouted, but he needn’t have worried. Wash moved fast, but River moved faster, dodging out of the way of Wash’s blurred knife thrusts and elbowing her adversary sharply in the side of his neck. He crumpled to the ground, dazed and confused.
“Well, then,” River folded her arms over her chest, casting a surreptitious glance in Simon and Zoë’s direction, “now that that’s out of the way, would anybody care to enlighten me as to where I am?”
“I think that’s something we’d all like to know,” Jayne’s voice grunted from the catwalk above them, and Zoë glanced up to see him standing with a gun poised at them. “Would anyone like to tell me what the hell I’m doing on a spaceship?”
“Ai-ya,” Simon muttered beneath his breath as he saw Kaylee slink almost sultrily from the engine room. “Tyen-ah...”
“Everybody stand back!” Mal wooshed his arms out in front of him, motioning for the others to stay away as he grandly approached Zoë and Simon. “I’ll handle this.” He smirked haughtily, spreading his arms even wider as he half-shouted, “I come in peace!”
“Captain...?” Zoë gazed at him sharply, and Mal’s hands fell to his side.
“Oh. False alarm! No need to worry, folks,” he shouted out again, “she knows who I am!” He raised his eyebrows, folding his arms across his chest as he stood up a little straighter. “I think we can help each other, Miss,” he stated plainly, “You help me get home and I’ll...” his eyes trailed conspicuously down her body, “well, I’m sure I can return the favor.”
Zoë’s eyes narrowed dangerously and she took a pointed step backwards. “First things first, Sir, I think we should find out what the hell’s going on.” She looked over towards Simon. “Doctor, go make sure my husband is all right, and if he’s still actin’ like a crazy person restrain him with somethin’. We don’t need any more casualties.”
“Uh... right. Right.” Simon nodded, hastening to Wash’s side and kneeling beside him, gingerly feeling the area around his neck. “He’s still intact. River just hit him hard enough to incapacitate him.”
“My name’s Cameron,” River corrected, hunching down with a thick rope in her hands; where in the world she had found it, and when she had had the time to even look for it Zoë couldn’t begin to guess at. Simon turned and gawked at her again, and River -- or Cameron, or whatever her name was -- rolled her eyes. “Shut your mouth, you look like an idiot.” Simon snapped his mouth closed, and Cameron nodded. “Thank you. Now help me tie this guy up.”
“Husband?” Mal repeated, blinking slowly as he gazed to the semi-unconscious Wash on the floor. “Damn. Well, then...” he gazed over towards Kaylee, lips curving upwards into a faux-charming smile again. “How’d you like to help me get home?”
Kaylee smirked, slinking closer. “Can I get my reward beforehand?”
“Okay!” Zoë shook her head in exasperation, reaching to her belt and drawing her gun. “How about no rewards and no helping? Everybody, get up the stairs and into the dining area. Now.”
------------
The entire company settled uncomfortably at the table -- Zoë made sure to keep Mal far away from Kaylee. Whenever they came back to themselves (if they ever came back to themselves, she worried to think) they wouldn’t want that hanging over them.
“Whoa,” Mal whistled as he gazed at the space around them through the windows in the ceiling. “Ranger Joe was right.”
“My name’s Casey,” Jayne-Casey ground out in frustration, leaning back in his chair and holding tightly onto the sniper-rifle he had found in the room he had woken up. “John Casey. I work for the NSA, so if this is a kidnapping attempt--”
“Everybody shut your tyen-sah duh mouths,” Zoë interrupted, slamming her palms down on the table. “This ain’t a kidnapping attempt. I have no rutting idea what’s going on. You--” she jabbed her finger at Jayne, who raised his eyebrows at the gesture. “You are Jayne Cobb. Mercenary and a good shot even when drugged. And you--” she directed her gaze towards Mal, who, never deterred, smiled and winked. “You are setting my head all a-whirl even more than my deranged husband, who’s apparently taken on the persona of a sociopath.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Wash sneered, working fervently to untie the ropes around his wrists. But River -- who seemed to have placed herself as the sole watcher over the erratic individual -- frowned and elbowed him for the second time that night, this time in the shoulder. “Ow!” He fumed at her in indignation
“Serves you right,” she muttered under her breath. “Stop trying to escape. You’re not faster than I am, anyway.”
“Okay,” Simon spoke up then, standing up from his seat. “Okay, there has to be a rational explanation for all of this. Zoë and I seem to be the only ones who have any idea where we are. All of you seem to think you’re somebody other than who you are.”
“Not so!” Mal stood up then. “I may be wearing oddly tailored clothing -- brown is definitely not my colour -- but I know I’m Captain Hammer.” He glanced dramatically off to the side. “Handsome. Brave. Strong. Hero.” He glanced back at the group, swinging his fist as if struck by an idea. “This has got to be the work of that wretched Doctor!”
“Hey!” Simon protested, taking a step closer to the captain. “I didn’t do this!”
“Oh, not you,” Mal waved a flippant hand casually before running it through his hair. “That other kind of doctor. Mad-scientist-like. Doctor Horrible. He’s always trying to foil my attempts to save the day.”
“Who’s this Doctor Horrible?” Kaylee piped in, smiling in an almost wicked way. “He sounds hot. Is he single?” She laughed. “Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t care if he’s single.”
“Kaylee!” Simon gaped at her -- something he found himself doing a lot today -- and she met his gaze across the table, her eyes lighting up mischievously. She pushed her chair back and strode towards Simon with purpose, hooking a finger into the collar of his shirt.
“Call me Raven,” she told him, pulling the dumbfounded doctor towards the engine room. “I’m not used to wearing all these layers of clothing. Mind helping me take some off?”
“Ahh--ahh--I don’t... what--” Simon fumbled over his words, and let her lead him away.
“Right then,” Captain Hammer smirked in their direction, “back to my Horrible theory. I’m sure it’s him. He’s always behind these things. He must’ve built a new one of those contraptions of his. I’m sure it’ll go haywire and stop working soon. They always do. I always win.”
“Yeah, your championship is very apparent,” Jayne mumbled dryly, shaking his head. He cast his gaze towards Zoë, “I don’t suppose Burbank, California is anywhere on your radar?”
“Never heard of it,” Zoë offered, shaking her head. “Even if I had, our pilot is currently...” she glanced surreptitiously towards Wash, who was once again busy working on his binds. “... not able to fly.”
“Pretty sure I was imprinted with a pilot once,” Wash bargained with what he probably assumed was a harmless grin. “Untie me and I can fly this thing.”
“You need to work on your bargaining skills,” River told him flatly, elbowing him again. He cast her a dirty look. So did Mal.
“I had sex with a girl like you once. Pretty thing. Very... sure of herself. One of them feminist types.” He frowned. “Can’t remember her name, though. I think she became a villain.”
“If she slept with you, I wouldn’t blame her,” River countered instantly, an air of boredom in her voice, and Zoë found herself smirking. She liked this one.
“Aw, come on, now,” Mal cooed (cooed?!) at River, leaning over her arrogantly. “There’s a reason I’m called Captain Hammer, and I can tell you... my fists? Not the hammer.” He paused, before adding, almost as an afterthought, “The hammer is my penis.”
“You are about five seconds away from having your hammer permanently bent backwards. One, two...” River glowered at him, and Wash let out a single laugh.
“Might want to take her seriously, Captain Moron,” he warned, and he felt the bonds loosening. Mal waved his hand.
“No, no, she’ll give me a chance. They always do. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” he sang.
“Three, four...”
“Sir...” Zoë drew out the word slowly. “I really think you should--”
“Finally!” Wash leapt out of the chair towards River, and Jayne in turn leapt to his feet and dived across the table to catch him around the waist.
“Five!” River drew her leg back in preparation for a kick as Mal leaned in closer.
Then, as quickly as it had begun, it ended. There was a flash of stillness, a moment where it seemed like all the action just stopped, before everything resumed.
Mal pulled himself back in confusion just before his lips met River’s, and River lowered the leg she had been prepared to kick him with back to the floor, tilting her head in the direction of the engine room, where Zoë could hear a shout of shock and a cry of relief. Jayne and Wash crashed into the floor, staying there in a dazed silence.
“Zoë?” Mal glanced confusedly in her direction, and Zoë just shook her head as if to say ‘don’t ask me.’
“Jayne?” Wash blinked once, twice, and the other man grunted as he pushed himself up.
“What?” Jayne grumbled.
“Does this mean you want to go someplace with candlelight?”