TLA: What Went Wrong (Blow by Blow)
Alright, let's do this. I am going to go through The Last Airbender, scene by scene, and note down what is wrong and why. Let this serve as a comprehensive list of all things terrible about this movie, so that when your friends say they want to see it and you try to talk them out of it, you can show them the monolithic proof of what a wretched movie this is. When they don’t believe you that a movie could be so awful, just show them this. I'm going to break it down into a few different (color-coded) categories:
VIDEO LINKS:
→TLA Part 1 (7 mins)
→TLA Part 2 (7 mins)
→Earthbending scene
The introduction mimicks the opening of the cartoon, where you're introduced to the 4 elements. Here we see benders moving in natural martial arts forms, and their element responds immediately, following their movements. This never happens again for the rest of the movie (and in fact, contrary to this segment, firebenders need an outside source of fire nearby in order to bend). Additionally, the authentic Chinese calligraphy in the background from the cartoon has been changed to vaguely Asian-ish looking nonsense scribbles.
That's the Atari logo and a Wingding!
Katara provides a little bit of backstory... by reading text off a screen. I am not sure if this is for the benefit of possible illiterates in the audience, or because Shyamalan just couldn't be bothered to actually SHOW anything relating to what Katara's describing. She also refers to "the Four Nations: Water, Earth, Fire and Air Nomads," which kind of makes EVERYONE sound like nomads instead of just the airbenders.
Pictured: Storytelling
In the opening scene, Katara pulls a ball of water out of the sea and moves it around. It is literally pouring water from underneath the entire time, yet the ball of water never gets any smaller. She accidentally drops it on Sokka [Soh-ka] off-screen, who stands up and is perfectly dry. She apologizes profusely, as though he is mere seconds from beating the everloving tar out of her. She explains that it worked better that time because she thought about their mother. Sokka's reaction is basically "Okay. :|" He maintains this facial expression/emotion for the entire duration of the film.
Pictured: Acting!
More exposition from Katara.
Sokka realizes there's something under the ice they're standing on, so he uses his boomerang to smash it up. The ice... that they are STANDING ON. Then he tells Katara to "move away from the cracks," which HE CREATED. When the big ball of ice with a person inside pops up, Sokka concludes that it's probably a Fire Nation trick and tells Katara to back away, so she grabs his boomerang and runs toward it. She smashes it open and a gust of wind sends her flying back with the force of an 18-wheeler explosion.
A beam of light shoots up out of the ball of ice, and we switch to the perspective of a young man on a ship, who responds to this sight by calling for his uncle. We are not told who this person is or why that beam of light is so important to him.
After Katara and Sokka take Aang [Ong] back to their village (apparently leaving Appa to his own devices), Aang is changing clothes and it shows his tattoos, which form a cross on his back. As Aang explains how he got in the ice, Katara reacts with a numb "Oh. I see," as though that sort of thing happens all the time.
It's Kung-Fu Action Jesus!
Sokka informs them that the Fire Nation has arrived with "their machines," even though all Zuko has with him is a ship. Aang asks if something's wrong and Katara answers "No. Please wait here," while staring into space and speaking as though she's explaining something, not making a request. Sokka utters the phrase "the Fire Nation is here with their machines" for the second time in as many minutes. Instead of charging the Fire Nation soldiers despite being obviously outnumbered and overpowered, Katara tells Sokka not to move.
Zuko introduces himself as the son of the Fire Lord and screams "BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!" without explaining why (the Avatar is supposed to be 112 years old). A random soldier finds Aang and he and Zuko have this exchange where Zuko alternates between screaming "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!?!" and muttering, and Aang reads all of his lines off of cue cards that only have room for 4 words at a time. Aang reads his lines in this way for the entire duration of the film. As Zuko's taking Aang to his ship, a random firebender uses the fire that the villagers just keep burning in the middle of the village to threaten them (something Zuko does in the series to threaten them BEFORE Aang presents himself as the Avatar).
Threats of violence: You're doing it wrong.
Katara tries to talk Sokka into going after Aang by asking what he would do if they tried to take her away, to which Sokka immediately replies "I'd kill them all." Whoa there, Anakin! So in the series, Sokka is the loveable, dorky, meat & sarcasm guy who spends his time honing his skills as a warrior, while movie!Sokka has an emotional range of zero and a serious case of bloodlust. They hear what sounds like a dying triceratops (I am not kidding, it sounds like they took the soundtrack from the sick triceratops scene in Jurassic Park and used that for all of Appa's noises) and go outside to find Appa hovering in the air with a bunch of the local kids hanging from his feet. They conclude that this mystical beast is a method of transportation and set off to rescue the kid whose name they don't even know yet (after GranGran explains to them what the Avatar is - and, unlike the kids, all the adults pronounce it Aavatar, not Ahvatar).
On Zuko's ship, Iroh [Ee-roh] gives Aang a test in which he places fire, water and a rock in front of him and they all move on their own, therefore they conclude that he's the Avatar (apparently having the tattoos of a race of people that was exterminated 100 years ago and into which the Avatar was born wasn't enough proof). Aang escapes and runs up to the deck, and Zuko tells him he has nowhere to run, while standing on a boat in the middle of the ocean and staring at a kid holding A FREAKING GLIDER. When Aang takes off anyway, Zuko runs past the 2 cauldrons of fire burning on the ship's deck and just watches Aang fade into the distance.
Aang lands his glider on Appa's back and thanks Katara and Sokka for bringing Appa to him (they're like a valet!). He says the Fire Nation is "up to something" and he has to go back... why he didn't just STAY is anyone's guess. Sokka offers to go with him. Aang ignores him and offers to take them back to the village. Katara insists that they're going with him. Instead of actually going back to Zuko's ship, though, they take off for the Southern Air Temple. Katara reiterates how Aang got trapped in the ice. Aang runs around the temple trying to find all his monk buddies, and Katara asks if it's okay to tell her his name, as though he might actually answer "no, it's a secret." Sokka diligently maintains a look of mild consternation mixed with confusion. They find Momo, who (like Appa) has an unsettlingly human-looking face, as though Shyamalan believes that, because people are drawn with bigger eyes in cartoons, surely animals must have beady little eyes, big noses and small mouths in real life as well. Aang finally stumbles on a huge field full of skeletons, and Katara finally informs him that he's been gone 100 years, not a few days. Aang pulls a Big No and goes into the Avatar State (though it's never explained what that is, they just show his eyes and tattoos glowing). He floats in the air looking like he's being crucified, then it transitions to the Spirit World where a nameless dragon asks where he's been and then Katara brings him back to his senses.
Cut to Commander Zhao, who spends the entire movie channelling his best Daily Show Correspondent voice, deciding to invite Zuko to have lunch on his ship, where he gives a speech to the rest of his crew about Zuko being banished and for some reason not being allowed to wear a Fire Nation uniform. Zuko gets pissed and threatens Zhao before leaving. Cut to Zuko training on his ship using primarily hand-to-hand combat, before adding a little bit of firebending at the end for show. It takes approximately 6 arm-whirlings and a few breakdancing moves to send a fireball across the bow at another soldier.
Cut to Aang, Sokka and Katara... foraging or something, as Appa conveniently takes off for who knows where in order to not be an inconvenient burden in the next scene. A young boy runs toward them and hides behind Sokka, and some firebenders follow and inform them that he's being arrested for bending small stones at them, and whining "it really hurt!" like a 6-year-old girl. Katara insists they're not taking him away and tries to freeze them, but ends up freezing Sokka instead. In Sokka's only successful attempt at displaying emotion, he also inadvertently shuffles his feet and the ice moves with him, demonstrating that he is less trapped in a block of ice and more wearing a plastic poncho.
Sokka reacts to his plastic ice prison with mild consternation.
The kids are all arrested as Aang is shown with iron cuffs around his wrists and they are led into a village. The kid runs up to his dad, sitting on a blanket out in the open. The dad explains that the firebenders came, the earthbenders defeated them, and then they "sent their machines," and it's at about this point that I begin to suspect Shyamalan is a technophobe. The dad then reveals that they're imprisoned. In a village. With no walls or bars or anything. They're not even cuffed like Aang was! These are EARTHBENDERS sitting on great big gobs of EARTH and surrounded by mountains made of EARTH and they're whining about being IMPRISONED. In fact, Aang isn't cuffed anymore either, for some reason. Apparently the Fire Nation expects to hold hundreds of powerful benders hostage with the cunning use of one gate. And because I can't color-code text in 2 different colors, it's worth mentioning that in the series, all of these earthbenders were kept on a METAL SHIP. In the middle of the OCEAN, i.e. AWAY FROM ANY EARTH. So Aang points out the obvious, and asks if they'd care if the Avatar had returned. They believe the Avatar is dead, so Aang reveals his identity and explains that "I ran away, but I'm back now," then insists that "it's time for you to stop doing this!" A firebender asks him to prove his claim by airbending, which Katara seems to perceive as a grave insult, worthy of a good shoving. When the firebender valiantly defends himself by shoving her back, Aang busts out his airbending and everyone's in awe. Sokka reaches for his boomerang and takes a good couple of seconds to realize that it's not there, before asking everyone to help in a panicked voice. At no point does anyone attempt to extinguish the fire burning right next to them. Someone finally chucks a pebble at one of the firebender's head, and he throws a fireball back, which the kid's dad swiftly blocks with a wall of earth. All the other earthbenders get up and start fighting, including a group of SIX earthbenders who: march in place, swing their arms around, kick the air, punch the air, and enter a classic "HI-YA!" pose before a rock the size of a soccer ball wobbles across the screen, literally looking like it's hanging from a strand of fishing line, at about the pace of a toddler walking. A seventh earthbender throws a few more punches to direct the rock ever-so-gradually into the chest of a firebender who just sort of stands there and takes it. Sokka kicks one of the firebenders in the beanbag and takes his boomerang back. The firebenders decide there is no hope for them, and promptly flee. In gratitude, the earthbenders show Aang a massive collection of bending scrolls that they've gotten from God knows where, and a waterbending scroll conveniently drops itself at Aang's feet. Then for no particular reason they introduce one of Aang's past lives, Avatar Kyoshi, who apparently "loved games."
[Insert scene where the group meets the Kyoshi Warriors, including Suki (Sokka's primary love interest and a key member of the group in the latter part of the series), which sets up a crucial plot point in the second season's finale]
Aang explains that he hasn't mastered the other elements yet and so they decide to find him a teacher in the Northern Water Tribe, which is "led by a princess, because her father died." Aside from the straight-up awkwardness of this line (and the fact that a princess whose father died would then become QUEEN), they just killed off Princess Yue's father. Yeah. For no reason. Chief Arnook actually has a considerably substantial role in the finale of the original series, but I guess they just didn't think he was young and cute enough or something, I don't know.
Cut to Aang and Katara practicing waterbending... or, rather, practicing waterbending MOVES, as nothing actually happens to the water they're supposed to be manipulating. Katara explains via voiceover that Aang is having trouble with waterbending, and I have to wonder how she came to that conclusion when neither of them are actually having any effect on the water so how can she tell who's doing well and who's doing poorly? Then Katara explains that Sokka was concerned they were being followed, and the camera pans up to show the smoke from Zuko's ship COMING FROM BEHIND THE TREES RIGHT BEHIND THEM. So Zuko has a special amphibious ship, I guess.
[Insert scene where the group meets Jet, the well-intentioned extremist who nearly wipes out a Fire Nation village and helps uncover a massive government conspiracy in the Earth Kingdom capital in the second book]
Cut to Zhao explaining to the Fire Lord that he found some scrolls in a secret library. Fire Lord Ozai says what we're all thinking about this movie and tells Zhao to "get on with it" while perpetually making this face: ¯ 3¯ . Ozai also has an inexplicable British accent. In "Fire Nation Colony 15," Iroh tries to get Zuko some pussy and Zuko calls over a little boy to help him tell the story of how he got burned and banished, an event that Iroh witnessed personally. In this version of the story, Zuko doesn't speak out against the sacrifice of random soldiers he doesn't know, but of his friends, because fuck random soldiers apparently. The Fire Lord is offended by this and instead of challenging Zuko to an Agni Kai [K-eye], he challenges him to an Agni Ki [Key]. And we don't even get to see Dev Patel shirtless in all of this.
Fire Lord Poutyface
[Insert scene where Zuko hires the bounty hunter Jun to find Aang, who later returns and plays a vital role in getting everybody assembled for the final showdown with the Fire Lord at the end of the series]
[Insert scene where Aang tries to learn firebending from an expatriate named JeongJeong, who happened to have also trained Zhao, and who informs Katara about waterbenders' healing abilities when Aang burns her because he lacks discipline]
Cut to more waterbending that isn't bending water, before Aang says he wants to visit the Northern Air Temple to get back to the Spirit World and get some advice from that dragon. Surprisingly, instead of a well-meaning mechanist who invented all of the Fire Nation's machines (including a giant drill that nearly gets them into the impenetrable city of Ba Sing Se and war balloons that are crucial to the series finale), there's a little old Asian guy at the temple, who apparently visits sometimes just for shits and giggles. The old man takes him to a room full of statues of past Avatars, where Aang explains how they knew he was the Avatar, and some bowing ceremony that shows he officially accepts the role of Avatar or something, which is what he ran away from, partly because he just wanted to be a normal kid and partly because the Avatar cannot have a family (which means no Great-Grandpa Roku for you, Zuko!). Then Zhao shows up because the whole thing was a trap. Aang slips into the Spirit World for a bit, then Zhao snaps him out of it with "My name is Commander Zhao, and I set this trap for you." While Zhao has Aang captive, a mysterious person in a blue mask with GOBS and GOBS of hair attached sneaks into the compound with the assistance of STEAMPUNK OPTIMUS PRIME, a.k.a. an ordinary diesel truck (complete with diesel combustion engine sounds!) and sets him free while Zhao's forces fight back with a whole lot of kicking and punching and not much firebending. Zhao takes one look at this person and decides it's Prince Zuko, and tells the Fire Lord. "You think that my son is this person the soldiers are calling the Blue Spirit?" "............Yyyyes." Ozai orders Zhao not to do anything about it, so of course Zhao springs a gas leak in Zuko's ship and blows the whole thing sky-high, which Zuko and Iroh fortunately managed to escape from.
Zhao explains to Ozai via voiceover that Aang is traveling north. He says "I BELIEEEEEEVE" at least 3 times in rapid succession and talks about how they "openly practice waterbending" as though they're Satanists or something. As the Gaang arrives at the Northern Water Tribe, the camera pans out to show Yue from behind, whose hairdo in combination with the rosy light of sunset makes her head look almost exactly like a gigantic penis. Katara tells us that Sokka and Yue "became friends right away" while Sokka and Yue are shown making googly-eyes at each other. Aang proves to her that he's the Avatar by waving his arms around, doing 2 cartwheels and eventually creating a tornado. When Pakku (who is never named) asks for someone to guard Yue and Sokka volunteers, he says "I had a feeling you might volunteer," with this look and tone like he just KNOWS they've been porking, which is hilarious.
Again Ozai and Zhao bring up the scrolls and the secret library and in this version it's Ozai's idea to kill the moon spirit, not Zhao's. And instead of Katara having to struggle against the whole Northern Water Tribe's ingrained sexism and give Pakku a sound ass-whooping to earn her right to train with him (as well as learn the healing arts, which are vital to the second season finale), he just... lets her sign up. Fuck your character development, Katara! Back on Zhao's ship headed for the North Pole, he's joined by Iroh. He cuts Iroh's 600-day siege of Ba Sing Se to 100 days, reminds him that his son was killed in that battle, then says "Again I offer my condolences on your nephew burning to death in that terrible accident," at which point Iroh should've just shanked him in the fucking kidneys right then and there.
Then we get a really long, drawn-out scene of Aang and Katara going through waterbending motions and again, no water is moving. Shyamalan's special effects budget for the bending was apparently somewhere in the neighborhood of $6. Zuko sneaks into the NWT by just diving into the water at a random spot (as opposed to following a tigerseal because "they have to be coming up for air somewhere"), gets trapped under the ice and uses his chi to heat his hands to melt it, which is admittedly an awesome scene, until the "scary" music keeps going even after Zuko breaks through the ice, making him look like a chestburster in the Alien movies.
It's alive! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!
Aang asks Yue "Is there a spiritual place where I can meditate?" She replies "There is a very spiritual place. The city was built around this place." The Department of Redundancy Department offers her a position as Vice-President. When they arrive, Aang spontaneously informs them that airbender tattoos are obtained by "meditating for long periods of time without losing focus. Some of the great monks can meditate for four days." So not only do you NOT have to be a master airbender, you meditate for a long time and they just... spontaneously appear? As Aang sits down to meditate, Sokka takes Yue... away, somewhere, and Katara takes this opportunity to pester the crap out of Aang. She tells him how she always knew he'd return, even though just an hour ago her grandmother had to inform her what the hell the Avatar even was. Zuko shows up, asks Katara her name for some reason (and she actually answers him), then they do a little turn-based RPG fighting for about 15 seconds before Zuko slams her full-force into a tree, then oh-so-delicately sits her upright and brushes her hair out of her face while explaining why he has to capture the Avatar - by which I mean he simply repeats that he can't go home without the Avatar, as it is never explained that Ozai never liked Zuko and tasked him with finding the Avatar as the only way to restore his honor because everyone believed the Avatar had ceased to exist and thus the whole thing was a wild goose chase meant to get Zuko out of Ozai's hair permanently.
At the city gates, Pakku starts singing in the middle of a row of warriors. Zhao once again brings up the library and the scroll. A komodo dragon climbs a motherfucking wall of ice. Zuko starts monologuing at an unconscious Aang while Sokka wakes Katara and they set out to find him. Aang finds the dragon in the Spirit World who tells him to "show them the power of water. Go. Do this now." Zuko and Aang fight and for the first time movie!Aang actually acts like series!Aang and pulls that "hiding behind your back" trick. Unfortunately most of their fighting is fisticuffs instead of bending. Katara finds them and freezes Zuko but Aang lowers the ice in front of his face so he doesn't suffocate to death, then tells him they could be friends. Katara lets Aang know he has to go by saying "Aang. We have to go." Zhao and Iroh enter the city and AGAIN Zhao brings up the scroll and the library. Appa terrifies some firebenders with his people face. Zuko uses his chi to melt the rest of the ice. Zhao gets to the oasis and puts the moon spirit in a bag. Iroh tries to stop him and Zhao insists on killing the moon spirit with all the conviction of a grown man asserting the existence of the Easter Bunny, then stabs the fish. The moon goes red, the camera zooms in on Iroh's eyeball and he starts firebending from his hands. A soldier states "He's making fire out of nothing" with the inflection with which one might read an appointment reminder from their dentist. Aang observes the battle as everyone else mysteriously ignores him. Iroh instructs Yue to give her life back to the moon spirit instead of letting her decide for herself, and Sokka sounds for all the world like he's saying "Don't listen to him, he's Irish." Yue asks "Is it mine to give back if I choose?" and wins the award for dumbest question ever. Yue decides to go through with it and Katara watches the scene blankly. Yue says "This time we show the Fire Nation that we believe in our beliefs as much as they believe in theirs" and I officially want to beat her over the head with a 2-by-4. Yue gets into the water and the white from her hair seeps out and transfers to the fish and the moon goes back to normal. Zuko shows up to kick Zhao's ass but Iroh talks him out of it. A random gang of 4 waterbenders shows up, Zhao fires the fastest fireball in the entire movie and the other guy dodges it like he's throwing kittens. They engulf Zhao in a bubble of water and drown him, then just drop his body and walk away. Aang freezes a few motherfuckers because apparently that "Avatar isn't meant to harm anyone" business is selective. Then Aang voluntarily goes into the Avatar State to bend a huge tidal wave which just sort of... scares the Fire Nation into retreating. The whole Water Tribe bows to him and he bows back, accepting his role as Avatar, while simultaneously looking like he's about to wet his pants.
Cut to Ozai's throne room where he recaps the outcome of the battle and informs us that Sozin's Comet will return in 3 YEARS (not seasons) and will grant firebenders the ability to make their own fire rather than the ability to make devastatingly huge amounts of fire. And then he asks Azula to go get the Avatar and she agrees with this twitchy face that's more "I'm already batshit insane" than "I'm just plain evil."
Evil, insane, same difference.
If Shyamalan actually gets the green-light to make a sequel to this monstrosity, there is no justice left in this world.
- Things from the show that were left out of the movie (speaking only in terms of important plot points, I am aware they're trying to cram 10 hours’ worth of story into a <2 hour movie… why it had to be less than 2 hours, I'm not really sure, but I’ll take their word for it)
- Things in the movie that were not in the show (i.e. crap that Shyamalan added for no explicable reason)
- Things in the movie that were changed from the show (i.e. it’s in there, but it’s different)
- Things that objectively define bad movie-making/storytelling (i.e. bad dialogue, stiff acting, too much exposition)
- Things that fly in the face of logic (i.e. the WTF factor)
VIDEO LINKS:
→TLA Part 1 (7 mins)
→TLA Part 2 (7 mins)
→Earthbending scene
The introduction mimicks the opening of the cartoon, where you're introduced to the 4 elements. Here we see benders moving in natural martial arts forms, and their element responds immediately, following their movements. This never happens again for the rest of the movie (and in fact, contrary to this segment, firebenders need an outside source of fire nearby in order to bend). Additionally, the authentic Chinese calligraphy in the background from the cartoon has been changed to vaguely Asian-ish looking nonsense scribbles.
That's the Atari logo and a Wingding!
Katara provides a little bit of backstory... by reading text off a screen. I am not sure if this is for the benefit of possible illiterates in the audience, or because Shyamalan just couldn't be bothered to actually SHOW anything relating to what Katara's describing. She also refers to "the Four Nations: Water, Earth, Fire and Air Nomads," which kind of makes EVERYONE sound like nomads instead of just the airbenders.
Pictured: Storytelling
In the opening scene, Katara pulls a ball of water out of the sea and moves it around. It is literally pouring water from underneath the entire time, yet the ball of water never gets any smaller. She accidentally drops it on Sokka [Soh-ka] off-screen, who stands up and is perfectly dry. She apologizes profusely, as though he is mere seconds from beating the everloving tar out of her. She explains that it worked better that time because she thought about their mother. Sokka's reaction is basically "Okay. :|" He maintains this facial expression/emotion for the entire duration of the film.
Pictured: Acting!
More exposition from Katara.
Sokka realizes there's something under the ice they're standing on, so he uses his boomerang to smash it up. The ice... that they are STANDING ON. Then he tells Katara to "move away from the cracks," which HE CREATED. When the big ball of ice with a person inside pops up, Sokka concludes that it's probably a Fire Nation trick and tells Katara to back away, so she grabs his boomerang and runs toward it. She smashes it open and a gust of wind sends her flying back with the force of an 18-wheeler explosion.
A beam of light shoots up out of the ball of ice, and we switch to the perspective of a young man on a ship, who responds to this sight by calling for his uncle. We are not told who this person is or why that beam of light is so important to him.
After Katara and Sokka take Aang [Ong] back to their village (apparently leaving Appa to his own devices), Aang is changing clothes and it shows his tattoos, which form a cross on his back. As Aang explains how he got in the ice, Katara reacts with a numb "Oh. I see," as though that sort of thing happens all the time.
It's Kung-Fu Action Jesus!
Sokka informs them that the Fire Nation has arrived with "their machines," even though all Zuko has with him is a ship. Aang asks if something's wrong and Katara answers "No. Please wait here," while staring into space and speaking as though she's explaining something, not making a request. Sokka utters the phrase "the Fire Nation is here with their machines" for the second time in as many minutes. Instead of charging the Fire Nation soldiers despite being obviously outnumbered and overpowered, Katara tells Sokka not to move.
Zuko introduces himself as the son of the Fire Lord and screams "BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!" without explaining why (the Avatar is supposed to be 112 years old). A random soldier finds Aang and he and Zuko have this exchange where Zuko alternates between screaming "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!?!" and muttering, and Aang reads all of his lines off of cue cards that only have room for 4 words at a time. Aang reads his lines in this way for the entire duration of the film. As Zuko's taking Aang to his ship, a random firebender uses the fire that the villagers just keep burning in the middle of the village to threaten them (something Zuko does in the series to threaten them BEFORE Aang presents himself as the Avatar).
Threats of violence: You're doing it wrong.
Katara tries to talk Sokka into going after Aang by asking what he would do if they tried to take her away, to which Sokka immediately replies "I'd kill them all." Whoa there, Anakin! So in the series, Sokka is the loveable, dorky, meat & sarcasm guy who spends his time honing his skills as a warrior, while movie!Sokka has an emotional range of zero and a serious case of bloodlust. They hear what sounds like a dying triceratops (I am not kidding, it sounds like they took the soundtrack from the sick triceratops scene in Jurassic Park and used that for all of Appa's noises) and go outside to find Appa hovering in the air with a bunch of the local kids hanging from his feet. They conclude that this mystical beast is a method of transportation and set off to rescue the kid whose name they don't even know yet (after GranGran explains to them what the Avatar is - and, unlike the kids, all the adults pronounce it Aavatar, not Ahvatar).
On Zuko's ship, Iroh [Ee-roh] gives Aang a test in which he places fire, water and a rock in front of him and they all move on their own, therefore they conclude that he's the Avatar (apparently having the tattoos of a race of people that was exterminated 100 years ago and into which the Avatar was born wasn't enough proof). Aang escapes and runs up to the deck, and Zuko tells him he has nowhere to run, while standing on a boat in the middle of the ocean and staring at a kid holding A FREAKING GLIDER. When Aang takes off anyway, Zuko runs past the 2 cauldrons of fire burning on the ship's deck and just watches Aang fade into the distance.
Aang lands his glider on Appa's back and thanks Katara and Sokka for bringing Appa to him (they're like a valet!). He says the Fire Nation is "up to something" and he has to go back... why he didn't just STAY is anyone's guess. Sokka offers to go with him. Aang ignores him and offers to take them back to the village. Katara insists that they're going with him. Instead of actually going back to Zuko's ship, though, they take off for the Southern Air Temple. Katara reiterates how Aang got trapped in the ice. Aang runs around the temple trying to find all his monk buddies, and Katara asks if it's okay to tell her his name, as though he might actually answer "no, it's a secret." Sokka diligently maintains a look of mild consternation mixed with confusion. They find Momo, who (like Appa) has an unsettlingly human-looking face, as though Shyamalan believes that, because people are drawn with bigger eyes in cartoons, surely animals must have beady little eyes, big noses and small mouths in real life as well. Aang finally stumbles on a huge field full of skeletons, and Katara finally informs him that he's been gone 100 years, not a few days. Aang pulls a Big No and goes into the Avatar State (though it's never explained what that is, they just show his eyes and tattoos glowing). He floats in the air looking like he's being crucified, then it transitions to the Spirit World where a nameless dragon asks where he's been and then Katara brings him back to his senses.
Cut to Commander Zhao, who spends the entire movie channelling his best Daily Show Correspondent voice, deciding to invite Zuko to have lunch on his ship, where he gives a speech to the rest of his crew about Zuko being banished and for some reason not being allowed to wear a Fire Nation uniform. Zuko gets pissed and threatens Zhao before leaving. Cut to Zuko training on his ship using primarily hand-to-hand combat, before adding a little bit of firebending at the end for show. It takes approximately 6 arm-whirlings and a few breakdancing moves to send a fireball across the bow at another soldier.
Cut to Aang, Sokka and Katara... foraging or something, as Appa conveniently takes off for who knows where in order to not be an inconvenient burden in the next scene. A young boy runs toward them and hides behind Sokka, and some firebenders follow and inform them that he's being arrested for bending small stones at them, and whining "it really hurt!" like a 6-year-old girl. Katara insists they're not taking him away and tries to freeze them, but ends up freezing Sokka instead. In Sokka's only successful attempt at displaying emotion, he also inadvertently shuffles his feet and the ice moves with him, demonstrating that he is less trapped in a block of ice and more wearing a plastic poncho.
Sokka reacts to his plastic ice prison with mild consternation.
The kids are all arrested as Aang is shown with iron cuffs around his wrists and they are led into a village. The kid runs up to his dad, sitting on a blanket out in the open. The dad explains that the firebenders came, the earthbenders defeated them, and then they "sent their machines," and it's at about this point that I begin to suspect Shyamalan is a technophobe. The dad then reveals that they're imprisoned. In a village. With no walls or bars or anything. They're not even cuffed like Aang was! These are EARTHBENDERS sitting on great big gobs of EARTH and surrounded by mountains made of EARTH and they're whining about being IMPRISONED. In fact, Aang isn't cuffed anymore either, for some reason. Apparently the Fire Nation expects to hold hundreds of powerful benders hostage with the cunning use of one gate. And because I can't color-code text in 2 different colors, it's worth mentioning that in the series, all of these earthbenders were kept on a METAL SHIP. In the middle of the OCEAN, i.e. AWAY FROM ANY EARTH. So Aang points out the obvious, and asks if they'd care if the Avatar had returned. They believe the Avatar is dead, so Aang reveals his identity and explains that "I ran away, but I'm back now," then insists that "it's time for you to stop doing this!" A firebender asks him to prove his claim by airbending, which Katara seems to perceive as a grave insult, worthy of a good shoving. When the firebender valiantly defends himself by shoving her back, Aang busts out his airbending and everyone's in awe. Sokka reaches for his boomerang and takes a good couple of seconds to realize that it's not there, before asking everyone to help in a panicked voice. At no point does anyone attempt to extinguish the fire burning right next to them. Someone finally chucks a pebble at one of the firebender's head, and he throws a fireball back, which the kid's dad swiftly blocks with a wall of earth. All the other earthbenders get up and start fighting, including a group of SIX earthbenders who: march in place, swing their arms around, kick the air, punch the air, and enter a classic "HI-YA!" pose before a rock the size of a soccer ball wobbles across the screen, literally looking like it's hanging from a strand of fishing line, at about the pace of a toddler walking. A seventh earthbender throws a few more punches to direct the rock ever-so-gradually into the chest of a firebender who just sort of stands there and takes it. Sokka kicks one of the firebenders in the beanbag and takes his boomerang back. The firebenders decide there is no hope for them, and promptly flee. In gratitude, the earthbenders show Aang a massive collection of bending scrolls that they've gotten from God knows where, and a waterbending scroll conveniently drops itself at Aang's feet. Then for no particular reason they introduce one of Aang's past lives, Avatar Kyoshi, who apparently "loved games."
[Insert scene where the group meets the Kyoshi Warriors, including Suki (Sokka's primary love interest and a key member of the group in the latter part of the series), which sets up a crucial plot point in the second season's finale]
Aang explains that he hasn't mastered the other elements yet and so they decide to find him a teacher in the Northern Water Tribe, which is "led by a princess, because her father died." Aside from the straight-up awkwardness of this line (and the fact that a princess whose father died would then become QUEEN), they just killed off Princess Yue's father. Yeah. For no reason. Chief Arnook actually has a considerably substantial role in the finale of the original series, but I guess they just didn't think he was young and cute enough or something, I don't know.
Cut to Aang and Katara practicing waterbending... or, rather, practicing waterbending MOVES, as nothing actually happens to the water they're supposed to be manipulating. Katara explains via voiceover that Aang is having trouble with waterbending, and I have to wonder how she came to that conclusion when neither of them are actually having any effect on the water so how can she tell who's doing well and who's doing poorly? Then Katara explains that Sokka was concerned they were being followed, and the camera pans up to show the smoke from Zuko's ship COMING FROM BEHIND THE TREES RIGHT BEHIND THEM. So Zuko has a special amphibious ship, I guess.
[Insert scene where the group meets Jet, the well-intentioned extremist who nearly wipes out a Fire Nation village and helps uncover a massive government conspiracy in the Earth Kingdom capital in the second book]
Cut to Zhao explaining to the Fire Lord that he found some scrolls in a secret library. Fire Lord Ozai says what we're all thinking about this movie and tells Zhao to "get on with it" while perpetually making this face: ¯ 3¯ . Ozai also has an inexplicable British accent. In "Fire Nation Colony 15," Iroh tries to get Zuko some pussy and Zuko calls over a little boy to help him tell the story of how he got burned and banished, an event that Iroh witnessed personally. In this version of the story, Zuko doesn't speak out against the sacrifice of random soldiers he doesn't know, but of his friends, because fuck random soldiers apparently. The Fire Lord is offended by this and instead of challenging Zuko to an Agni Kai [K-eye], he challenges him to an Agni Ki [Key]. And we don't even get to see Dev Patel shirtless in all of this.
Fire Lord Poutyface
[Insert scene where Zuko hires the bounty hunter Jun to find Aang, who later returns and plays a vital role in getting everybody assembled for the final showdown with the Fire Lord at the end of the series]
[Insert scene where Aang tries to learn firebending from an expatriate named JeongJeong, who happened to have also trained Zhao, and who informs Katara about waterbenders' healing abilities when Aang burns her because he lacks discipline]
Cut to more waterbending that isn't bending water, before Aang says he wants to visit the Northern Air Temple to get back to the Spirit World and get some advice from that dragon. Surprisingly, instead of a well-meaning mechanist who invented all of the Fire Nation's machines (including a giant drill that nearly gets them into the impenetrable city of Ba Sing Se and war balloons that are crucial to the series finale), there's a little old Asian guy at the temple, who apparently visits sometimes just for shits and giggles. The old man takes him to a room full of statues of past Avatars, where Aang explains how they knew he was the Avatar, and some bowing ceremony that shows he officially accepts the role of Avatar or something, which is what he ran away from, partly because he just wanted to be a normal kid and partly because the Avatar cannot have a family (which means no Great-Grandpa Roku for you, Zuko!). Then Zhao shows up because the whole thing was a trap. Aang slips into the Spirit World for a bit, then Zhao snaps him out of it with "My name is Commander Zhao, and I set this trap for you." While Zhao has Aang captive, a mysterious person in a blue mask with GOBS and GOBS of hair attached sneaks into the compound with the assistance of STEAMPUNK OPTIMUS PRIME, a.k.a. an ordinary diesel truck (complete with diesel combustion engine sounds!) and sets him free while Zhao's forces fight back with a whole lot of kicking and punching and not much firebending. Zhao takes one look at this person and decides it's Prince Zuko, and tells the Fire Lord. "You think that my son is this person the soldiers are calling the Blue Spirit?" "............Yyyyes." Ozai orders Zhao not to do anything about it, so of course Zhao springs a gas leak in Zuko's ship and blows the whole thing sky-high, which Zuko and Iroh fortunately managed to escape from.
Zhao explains to Ozai via voiceover that Aang is traveling north. He says "I BELIEEEEEEVE" at least 3 times in rapid succession and talks about how they "openly practice waterbending" as though they're Satanists or something. As the Gaang arrives at the Northern Water Tribe, the camera pans out to show Yue from behind, whose hairdo in combination with the rosy light of sunset makes her head look almost exactly like a gigantic penis. Katara tells us that Sokka and Yue "became friends right away" while Sokka and Yue are shown making googly-eyes at each other. Aang proves to her that he's the Avatar by waving his arms around, doing 2 cartwheels and eventually creating a tornado. When Pakku (who is never named) asks for someone to guard Yue and Sokka volunteers, he says "I had a feeling you might volunteer," with this look and tone like he just KNOWS they've been porking, which is hilarious.
Again Ozai and Zhao bring up the scrolls and the secret library and in this version it's Ozai's idea to kill the moon spirit, not Zhao's. And instead of Katara having to struggle against the whole Northern Water Tribe's ingrained sexism and give Pakku a sound ass-whooping to earn her right to train with him (as well as learn the healing arts, which are vital to the second season finale), he just... lets her sign up. Fuck your character development, Katara! Back on Zhao's ship headed for the North Pole, he's joined by Iroh. He cuts Iroh's 600-day siege of Ba Sing Se to 100 days, reminds him that his son was killed in that battle, then says "Again I offer my condolences on your nephew burning to death in that terrible accident," at which point Iroh should've just shanked him in the fucking kidneys right then and there.
Then we get a really long, drawn-out scene of Aang and Katara going through waterbending motions and again, no water is moving. Shyamalan's special effects budget for the bending was apparently somewhere in the neighborhood of $6. Zuko sneaks into the NWT by just diving into the water at a random spot (as opposed to following a tigerseal because "they have to be coming up for air somewhere"), gets trapped under the ice and uses his chi to heat his hands to melt it, which is admittedly an awesome scene, until the "scary" music keeps going even after Zuko breaks through the ice, making him look like a chestburster in the Alien movies.
It's alive! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!
Aang asks Yue "Is there a spiritual place where I can meditate?" She replies "There is a very spiritual place. The city was built around this place." The Department of Redundancy Department offers her a position as Vice-President. When they arrive, Aang spontaneously informs them that airbender tattoos are obtained by "meditating for long periods of time without losing focus. Some of the great monks can meditate for four days." So not only do you NOT have to be a master airbender, you meditate for a long time and they just... spontaneously appear? As Aang sits down to meditate, Sokka takes Yue... away, somewhere, and Katara takes this opportunity to pester the crap out of Aang. She tells him how she always knew he'd return, even though just an hour ago her grandmother had to inform her what the hell the Avatar even was. Zuko shows up, asks Katara her name for some reason (and she actually answers him), then they do a little turn-based RPG fighting for about 15 seconds before Zuko slams her full-force into a tree, then oh-so-delicately sits her upright and brushes her hair out of her face while explaining why he has to capture the Avatar - by which I mean he simply repeats that he can't go home without the Avatar, as it is never explained that Ozai never liked Zuko and tasked him with finding the Avatar as the only way to restore his honor because everyone believed the Avatar had ceased to exist and thus the whole thing was a wild goose chase meant to get Zuko out of Ozai's hair permanently.
At the city gates, Pakku starts singing in the middle of a row of warriors. Zhao once again brings up the library and the scroll. A komodo dragon climbs a motherfucking wall of ice. Zuko starts monologuing at an unconscious Aang while Sokka wakes Katara and they set out to find him. Aang finds the dragon in the Spirit World who tells him to "show them the power of water. Go. Do this now." Zuko and Aang fight and for the first time movie!Aang actually acts like series!Aang and pulls that "hiding behind your back" trick. Unfortunately most of their fighting is fisticuffs instead of bending. Katara finds them and freezes Zuko but Aang lowers the ice in front of his face so he doesn't suffocate to death, then tells him they could be friends. Katara lets Aang know he has to go by saying "Aang. We have to go." Zhao and Iroh enter the city and AGAIN Zhao brings up the scroll and the library. Appa terrifies some firebenders with his people face. Zuko uses his chi to melt the rest of the ice. Zhao gets to the oasis and puts the moon spirit in a bag. Iroh tries to stop him and Zhao insists on killing the moon spirit with all the conviction of a grown man asserting the existence of the Easter Bunny, then stabs the fish. The moon goes red, the camera zooms in on Iroh's eyeball and he starts firebending from his hands. A soldier states "He's making fire out of nothing" with the inflection with which one might read an appointment reminder from their dentist. Aang observes the battle as everyone else mysteriously ignores him. Iroh instructs Yue to give her life back to the moon spirit instead of letting her decide for herself, and Sokka sounds for all the world like he's saying "Don't listen to him, he's Irish." Yue asks "Is it mine to give back if I choose?" and wins the award for dumbest question ever. Yue decides to go through with it and Katara watches the scene blankly. Yue says "This time we show the Fire Nation that we believe in our beliefs as much as they believe in theirs" and I officially want to beat her over the head with a 2-by-4. Yue gets into the water and the white from her hair seeps out and transfers to the fish and the moon goes back to normal. Zuko shows up to kick Zhao's ass but Iroh talks him out of it. A random gang of 4 waterbenders shows up, Zhao fires the fastest fireball in the entire movie and the other guy dodges it like he's throwing kittens. They engulf Zhao in a bubble of water and drown him, then just drop his body and walk away. Aang freezes a few motherfuckers because apparently that "Avatar isn't meant to harm anyone" business is selective. Then Aang voluntarily goes into the Avatar State to bend a huge tidal wave which just sort of... scares the Fire Nation into retreating. The whole Water Tribe bows to him and he bows back, accepting his role as Avatar, while simultaneously looking like he's about to wet his pants.
Cut to Ozai's throne room where he recaps the outcome of the battle and informs us that Sozin's Comet will return in 3 YEARS (not seasons) and will grant firebenders the ability to make their own fire rather than the ability to make devastatingly huge amounts of fire. And then he asks Azula to go get the Avatar and she agrees with this twitchy face that's more "I'm already batshit insane" than "I'm just plain evil."
Evil, insane, same difference.
If Shyamalan actually gets the green-light to make a sequel to this monstrosity, there is no justice left in this world.