Comments | writwritewrote: CRACKED - twenty-seven in The Little Things series

writwritewrote

CRACKED - twenty-seven in The Little Things series

Nov 08, 2005 10:28

Title: CRACKED
Author: Michmak
Rating: PG-13
Characters: all of them are mentioned
Pairings: Jayne/River
Disclaimers: Not mine.

Summary: “Gorram, girl, you’re timin’ is awful.”A/N: Sorry for the delay in getting this up - I got stuck in exposition about Prospero. Seriously, I had ten pages written describing the whole planet and how it worked ( Read more... )

river/jayne, firefly, little things series

Comments 69

vikingwriter November 8 2005, 15:48:36 UTC

*sniff* I just love your Rayne 'verse.

writwritewrote November 9 2005, 18:14:48 UTC

Thank you. *passes a kleenex*

vikingwriter November 9 2005, 18:46:41 UTC

I take it back. *g* Seriously, after reading today's, I now have to go buy an entire box. *sigh* *off to get tissues and something fluffy to read*

maidenphoenix February 25 2009, 00:20:16 UTC

(Sorry, this isn't about the story) But I have to say your icon made me crack up and giggle ^^

ontheroad361 November 8 2005, 15:49:33 UTC

“You ain’t broken,” Jayne murmurs. “Just a little cracked.”

“Like Ma’s ring,” she agrees.

“Like me,” Jayne responds. “Me and everyone else.”

Love these last 3 lines :)

The whole chapter was beautiful *nods* I think I say this about every chapter! But it is :)

writwritewrote November 9 2005, 18:15:24 UTC

Thank you. I loved the last three lines too. Because I'm schmoopy.

aliaspiral November 8 2005, 15:51:26 UTC

“You ain’t broken,” Jayne murmurs. “Just a little cracked.”

Aw!

and i love Jayne getting nostaglic here and telling about the mica and everything. *happy sigh*

and I and My! timing, River, timing! but then she reverted back..so is he waiting for her to use i and my all the time, or just when she is talking about how he makes her feel? hmm..

*beams* more please!

writwritewrote November 9 2005, 18:16:22 UTC

Thank you - and the I and My stuff...you'll see. Patience, grasshopper. hehe.

Meep. katelennon November 8 2005, 16:01:39 UTC

I love Jayne's Ma. My kinda woman. and I love that Jayne picked up on the first/third person change... Yeay!!!!

Re: Meep. writwritewrote November 9 2005, 18:17:19 UTC

Jayne isn't stupid, I don't think. Just thick. (mind outta gutter) Takes him a while, sometimes, but he gets there - especially when it's something he's got a vested interest in.

beanrua November 8 2005, 16:03:03 UTC

I liked the story the farther I got on.

The only part that I thought was awkward was the first sentence. Since it was from Jayne's POV, that's the only sentence which was in an observer's POV.

As always, I love the dialog. It brings the characters alive.

writwritewrote November 9 2005, 18:18:05 UTC

The first sentence definately needs work, but my brain was so fried from all the ruthless editing, I just couldn't do it. Any suggestions on how to make that work better?

beanrua November 9 2005, 18:37:26 UTC

Many times, you open with what the character experiences. There's not much here right now. Jayne's laying there trying to get to sleep in not the most comfortable of circumstances, and his brain is whirling around considering the events of the day. Was he hearing the Doc and Mal breathing, were they restless, what? I'm without visual or tactile reference. I have nothing to anchor them in their surroundings. I have no background sounds.

See what I'm getting at?