the heart hoards its thorns
Title: the heart hoards its thorns
Pairing: Jaejoong/Yunho
Rating: PG
Summary: Just because you’ve had enough / doesn’t mean you wanted too much.
Author's Notes: For sleepish. Title and summary from 'Poem Without Forgiveness' by Dean Young.
The thing is, once Yunho's given a gift, he can't take it back. Which is something of a problem when the gift becomes something the other person doesn't want, that they say they never wanted, when they try to return it, thanks but no thanks.
It's a problem when the gift is Yunho's heart, wrapped in years of friendship and closeness, layers of memory like tissue paper, rustled aside by Jaejoong's hands to find the beating thing underneath. Yunho gives Jaejoong his heart without ever realising he has, piece by tiny piece caught by the way Jaejoong laughs, the look on his face as he sings through scales, how he curls into Yunho's arms after Yunho wakes from a nightmare and whispers, "Go back to sleep," and how Yunho can't help but feel safe with Jaejoong warm against him.
By the time Yunho looks over in the middle of an interview and feels his heart jump into his throat at the sight of Jaejoong, eyes shining and smile unhidden as he tells an anecdote, it's already far too late. When he thinks 'I'm falling in love,' the thing he's trying not to face is the way he knows the word he means is 'fallen'. He fights it a little longer, telling himself it's just the closeness playing tricks on him, that this isn't what he really wants, tries to convince himself that he can still talk himself out of loving Jaejoong.
He can't, for all he tries. Jaejoong's already too far in, too close for Yunho to keep him from getting closer.
He manages, he hopes, to keep it from showing, though. He's heard Jaejoong talk too long, too enthusiastically, about his girlfriends' long hair and pretty hands and soft curves to risk their friendship and the group on the chance that Jaejoong might have a place for other things too. There's just too much at stake. And so he still hugs Jaejoong tight, the way he's always done, reaches out to put his hand on Jaejoong's knee or shoulder to get his attention, kisses him on the cheek with easy affection, and tells himself almost desperately that it all means no more than it ever has.
It's okay, for a while. He almost gets used to the way his pulse trips into double-time when Jaejoong turns and smiles at him, the way he finds himself smiling helplessly every time he picks up his phone to find a text message from Jaejoong, manages to weave all of those instinctive reactions into something like normalcy. Then he lets himself get talked into going drinking with Jaejoong on a day that Yoochun's decided to spend with his family, and ruins months of careful denial and watching what he says with six fruity, surprisingly strong cocktails and a mumbled, "I love you, Jaejoong-ah. No, I really really love you. Like that, you know?" He doesn't even have to look up for the horrified realisation of what he's done to kick in - the way Jaejoong freezes, the way his laughter just cuts off and his hand stills where it had been stroking absently at Yunho's side is more than enough to make him feel suddenly, terribly sober.
When Yunho finally finds the courage to lift his eyes to Jaejoong's face, he doesn't quite know how to interpret the look he sees there, the uncharacteristic stillness of it. "Jaejoong?" he says, quiet, tentative.
Jaejoong's expression shifts at the sound of his name, settles into lines Yunho knows and almost hates, something that looks a lot like pity. "I'm sorry, Yunho-yah," Jaejoong starts, and Yunho has to fight down the urge to slap his hand over Jaejoong's mouth so he won't have to hear the rest. "I love you, you know I do. But. Just. Not like that. I don't-"
Yunho speaks to cut off the words, the way Jaejoong started looking lost halfway through them. "I know," he says, pulling back so no part of him's touching Jaejoong, so Jaejoong won't feel crowded or pressured or anything that Yunho would hate for him to feel. "I never meant to say anything. Didn't want-" Now he's the one floundering for words, ends up just biting at his lip and just looking at Jaejoong helplessly.
"It's okay," Jaejoong says, sliding a glance at Yunho that makes him feel cold all over, for all that his skin's still flushed with alcohol. "We can. Can just pretend this never happened? Be normal again?" He makes the offer like he expects Yunho to be grateful, to leap on the chance to forget that Jaejoong doesn't feel what Yunho desperately wants him to.
But it's what Jaejoong wants. That's more than obvious. "Yeah," Yunho says. "We can."
Jaejoong reaches out to put an arm around Yunho's shoulders again, and Yunho doesn't flinch away, doesn't tense the way he wants to at the way the heat of Jaejoong's skin feels like it's branding him. Instead he leans into the touch the way he always would have, before, and tries not to think about the fact that this is how it's going to feel, every day until he finally remembers what it's like to forget.
Pairing: Jaejoong/Yunho
Rating: PG
Summary: Just because you’ve had enough / doesn’t mean you wanted too much.
Author's Notes: For sleepish. Title and summary from 'Poem Without Forgiveness' by Dean Young.
The thing is, once Yunho's given a gift, he can't take it back. Which is something of a problem when the gift becomes something the other person doesn't want, that they say they never wanted, when they try to return it, thanks but no thanks.
It's a problem when the gift is Yunho's heart, wrapped in years of friendship and closeness, layers of memory like tissue paper, rustled aside by Jaejoong's hands to find the beating thing underneath. Yunho gives Jaejoong his heart without ever realising he has, piece by tiny piece caught by the way Jaejoong laughs, the look on his face as he sings through scales, how he curls into Yunho's arms after Yunho wakes from a nightmare and whispers, "Go back to sleep," and how Yunho can't help but feel safe with Jaejoong warm against him.
By the time Yunho looks over in the middle of an interview and feels his heart jump into his throat at the sight of Jaejoong, eyes shining and smile unhidden as he tells an anecdote, it's already far too late. When he thinks 'I'm falling in love,' the thing he's trying not to face is the way he knows the word he means is 'fallen'. He fights it a little longer, telling himself it's just the closeness playing tricks on him, that this isn't what he really wants, tries to convince himself that he can still talk himself out of loving Jaejoong.
He can't, for all he tries. Jaejoong's already too far in, too close for Yunho to keep him from getting closer.
He manages, he hopes, to keep it from showing, though. He's heard Jaejoong talk too long, too enthusiastically, about his girlfriends' long hair and pretty hands and soft curves to risk their friendship and the group on the chance that Jaejoong might have a place for other things too. There's just too much at stake. And so he still hugs Jaejoong tight, the way he's always done, reaches out to put his hand on Jaejoong's knee or shoulder to get his attention, kisses him on the cheek with easy affection, and tells himself almost desperately that it all means no more than it ever has.
It's okay, for a while. He almost gets used to the way his pulse trips into double-time when Jaejoong turns and smiles at him, the way he finds himself smiling helplessly every time he picks up his phone to find a text message from Jaejoong, manages to weave all of those instinctive reactions into something like normalcy. Then he lets himself get talked into going drinking with Jaejoong on a day that Yoochun's decided to spend with his family, and ruins months of careful denial and watching what he says with six fruity, surprisingly strong cocktails and a mumbled, "I love you, Jaejoong-ah. No, I really really love you. Like that, you know?" He doesn't even have to look up for the horrified realisation of what he's done to kick in - the way Jaejoong freezes, the way his laughter just cuts off and his hand stills where it had been stroking absently at Yunho's side is more than enough to make him feel suddenly, terribly sober.
When Yunho finally finds the courage to lift his eyes to Jaejoong's face, he doesn't quite know how to interpret the look he sees there, the uncharacteristic stillness of it. "Jaejoong?" he says, quiet, tentative.
Jaejoong's expression shifts at the sound of his name, settles into lines Yunho knows and almost hates, something that looks a lot like pity. "I'm sorry, Yunho-yah," Jaejoong starts, and Yunho has to fight down the urge to slap his hand over Jaejoong's mouth so he won't have to hear the rest. "I love you, you know I do. But. Just. Not like that. I don't-"
Yunho speaks to cut off the words, the way Jaejoong started looking lost halfway through them. "I know," he says, pulling back so no part of him's touching Jaejoong, so Jaejoong won't feel crowded or pressured or anything that Yunho would hate for him to feel. "I never meant to say anything. Didn't want-" Now he's the one floundering for words, ends up just biting at his lip and just looking at Jaejoong helplessly.
"It's okay," Jaejoong says, sliding a glance at Yunho that makes him feel cold all over, for all that his skin's still flushed with alcohol. "We can. Can just pretend this never happened? Be normal again?" He makes the offer like he expects Yunho to be grateful, to leap on the chance to forget that Jaejoong doesn't feel what Yunho desperately wants him to.
But it's what Jaejoong wants. That's more than obvious. "Yeah," Yunho says. "We can."
Jaejoong reaches out to put an arm around Yunho's shoulders again, and Yunho doesn't flinch away, doesn't tense the way he wants to at the way the heat of Jaejoong's skin feels like it's branding him. Instead he leans into the touch the way he always would have, before, and tries not to think about the fact that this is how it's going to feel, every day until he finally remembers what it's like to forget.