How to Write a Lousy Sex Scene Handout
Here's the handout for the "How to Write a Lousy Sex Scene" breakout from WriterCon.
[The only thing missing is the good sex scene that I read, because I loaned the book to ladycat777. Kitten, if you want to post it in the comments, I'll add it.]
How to Write a Lousy Sex Scene
“The difference between erotica and porn is lighting.”
~ Gloria Leonard
The Dos and Don’ts of the old In & Out
The sex scene is the bane of many a writer’s existence - it’s important. It’s difficult. It’s extremely easy to screw up. Here’s how not to…
DON’T impart your sensual juxtaposition through the use of purple prose!
At that moment she felt his hand come up beneath her bridesmaid’s gown, heard the rustle of material giving way, felt his large warm hand between her legs, ripping aside the satin panties to caress her vulva. She put her arms around his neck and hung there as he opened his trousers. Then he placed both hands beneath her bare buttocks and lifted her. She gave a little hop in the air so that both of her legs were wrapped around her upper thighs. His tongue was in her mouth ad she sucked on it. He gave a savage thrust that banged her head against the door. She felt something burning pass between her thighs. She let her right hand drop from his neck and reached down to guide him. Her hand closed around an enormous, blood-gorged pole of muscle. It pulsated in her hand like an animal and almost weeping with grateful ecstasy she pointed it into her own wet, turgid flesh.
~from The Godfather by Mario Puzo
DON’T rely on scary metaphors*!
“he kissed her HEATED CENTER like a Pope's ring”
“his dick seated itself in her audience”
“her muscles snapped at his dick like a pissed off alligator”
“running his tongue up, down and around her pussy like a lost tourist”
*Thanks? to Stoney for these. They are very traumatizing.
DON’T write a preflight checklist!
1. Kissing
2. Nipples
3. Fingers
5. Handjob
6. Blowjob
7. Fucking
8. Orgasm
Mix it up; one from column A, one from column B...
DON’T play it by the numbers!
DON’T fall victim to the Fallacy of the Hokey Pokey!
• Don’t start enumerating body parts (left hand is here, right hand is there, etc.) That’s not sex, it’s Twister.
• Do keep up with where things are - lest you wind up having Angel tweaking Spike’s nipple, grabbing his head and breaking a lamp all at once. As Kita once said, “Honey, he’s a vampire, not an octopus!”
DON’T take an instructional tone!
Surprisingly none of this was said aloud, but though the telepathic bond that was a side affect of their claim. Claiming is a vampiric mating ritual involving bloodletting and a possessive phrase such as ‘mine’. A claim between two sublevel vampires will result in empathetic feelings, allowing one to experience the others emotions on a low level. Only claims between master vampires result in such advanced telepathy as seen in this couple. The difference being that Buffy was human, or at least not a master vampire. Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. The one girl in all the world whose job it is to kill the vampires and stop the apocalypses*.
*from the Pit of Voles
DON’T use clinical language!
Penis and vagina are great terms - for the doctor’s office or VD pamphlets - but they will throw your reader right out of a story. I have a personal bias against “areola” and “labia” and really clinical dick terms like “frenulum” and “glans,” but that might be just me. And I will click the back button so hard I’ll break a nail if I read “urethra.”
Horrifying example from our friends in the Sentinel fandom, courtesy tesserae_:
Jim moves between Blair's legs, and they part for him. Jim's mouth moves deeper and deeper into the dark pubic hair, absorbing scent, texture, skin temperature and amount of moisture. He kisses, he licks, he sucks. He knows this territory well and finds it just as exciting as the first time he explored it. Blair's scrotum is tasted with lips and tongue. Then Blair's penis takes its turn.
DON’T use clichés.
“His eyes were as blue as the sea.” BO-RING.
Saving the cliché - the way to save a cliché is to get specific - take a broad concept (the sea) and whittle it down to something specific and meaningful:
“His eyes were the same clear blue as the stone in the ring she’d gotten for her fifth birthday. Her Daddy had sat beside her and slipped the slender gold band onto her finger, watching with a smile as she moved her hand back and forth, just to see the light glint off the tiny aquamarine.”
DON’T stop the action for PSA.
We get that safe sex is important. However, do not stop the sex for an AIDS lecture! Make the condom part of the sensuality of the moment and save the info for later.
DON’T lose the epithets vs pronoun war!
NO brown-haired carpenter
NO handsome pilot
NO Canadian physicist
NO alluring companion
NO plucky high-schooler
NO dark Slayer
NO brooding vampire
NO dreadlocked Satedan
NO younger/taller/shorter/etc man
NO evil Cylon
NO scruffy Watcher
NO serene Wiccan
If you cannot write your sentence using the characters’ names or simple pronouns, the sad truth is that your sentence sucks. Rewrite it.
BAD: They purposely stood apart in the elevator, not daring to touch. They walked down the hall, Spike slightly in front of Xander. When the blond stopped to unlock the door, the brunet stopped directly behind him and pressed his erection firmly against the vampire’s ass, his hands resting on either side of the doorframe. Spike pressed back and then flung the door open. They stumbled into the room, and fell onto the sofa in the parlor. Xander landed on the bottom and pulled Spike across his lap, settling the vampire’s knees on either side of his hips.
BETTER: They purposely stood apart in the elevator, not daring to touch. They walked down the hall, Spike slightly in front of Xander. When he stopped to unlock the door, Xander stopped directly behind him and pressed his erection firmly against Spike’s ass, his hands resting on either side of the doorframe. Spike pressed back and then flung the door open. They stumbled into the room, and fell onto the sofa in the parlor. Xander landed on the bottom and pulled Spike across his lap, settling his knees on either side of his hips.*
* Oh, yes - that's me. From Long Time Gone. Seriously, no one is immune.
DON’T rely on overly-creative euphemisms*!
She-juice
clit pucker
hot, white icing
meat curtains
cum dumpster
Purple-headed warrior
man-gina
8 inch ripping tool
tube snake
pearl necklace
cream filled twinkie
fish taco
dripping cock
wet slit
love organ
love button
rosy pucker
chocolate starfish
Yes, you can say things in non-clinical terms, but save the creativity for the plot, okay?
...he spread her legs open to him, revealing her still moist nether mound. His dagger was instantly hard and needed to be sheathed.
*Thanks? to my friends list for breaking my brain with these.
DON’T spell out the sex noises!
“Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike! Unghhhhhhhhhhhh! It’s so goooooooooooooood!” Uh, no, it isn’t. Just don’t do it, kids.
DON’T have robot sex dialogue!
Commas - use them. Also, break up large chunks of dialogue with actions - it improves the flow and makes your characters sound like they’re, you know, having sex.
DON’T skimp on research!
If you’re writing a sex act you’ve never done, Google it, for fuck’s sake! If you’re unsure of the anatomy, Google it. Long ago, I read a story where Buffy had a prostate. Seriously. Also, the prostate is only in one place - a diagram is easy to find.
DON’T forget that you have options!
The “fade to black” is perfectly acceptable, as is the no-sex love scene, as is general description to a fade-out. If you know you aren’t good at it, you don’t have to write it.
How to write a GOOD sex scene
DO remember that sex scenes come from character.
• These are people (or vampires, or wizards, or werewolves - whatever), and they rarely fuck without a reason. Your sex scene needs to explore that.
• Almost all sex is based in emotion. That emotion may not be true love (angry!sex, anyone?), but there’s always emotion there. In keying back to the emotion - matching thought to word and deed - you make your sex scenes meaningful.
• Sex involves more than genitals. Use all of your characters’ senses to describe the scene - what sounds do they make? What do they look like? What is your POV character feeling, both physically and emotionally? What scents are there? Tastes? Use everything.
DO read your sex scene out loud.
Sure, your dog is going to think you’re a sex freak, but you are. Besides, he’s a dog - he licks his own ass - what does he know? Reading out loud lets you take a close listen to the flow of your words. Do they convey the emotion, the pitch, the tone of your story? Romantic, flower-strewn sex scenes should have long sentences with lots of adjectives. Hot and hard against the wall will tend to have short, declarative sentences.
DO the unexpected!
Sex isn’t always perfect, and things don’t always follow the procedure manual. Mix it up - let your characters have laughing sex, or have something turn out differently than expected. Let them have little miscommunication - a sex scene is a great place to illuminate character.
DO think about what makes you hot.
If your sex scene doesn’t turn you on, chances are it won’t turn anyone else on. Rewrite it until it makes you squirm.
CONCLUSION:
Seriously, it all comes down to common sense and paying attention. If you will take the time to read over what you write, you will improve your work immensely. If you take a little longer and actually rewrite your story (ideally, a couple of times), you will literally be amazed by the improvements in quality.
You wouldn’t be here listening to me if you didn’t have an interest in improving your sex scenes and your writing in general, so I hope that you found all of this useful.
If I can leave you with one thought to improve your writing, it’s this: Slow down and enjoy the ride. Now go forth, and sin some more.
Also, congratulations to everyone who won Sexual Euphemism Bingo - listening to all of you read out your answers (Fish taco! Purple-headed Warrior!) was hilarious.
[The only thing missing is the good sex scene that I read, because I loaned the book to ladycat777. Kitten, if you want to post it in the comments, I'll add it.]
How to Write a Lousy Sex Scene
“The difference between erotica and porn is lighting.”
~ Gloria Leonard
The Dos and Don’ts of the old In & Out
The sex scene is the bane of many a writer’s existence - it’s important. It’s difficult. It’s extremely easy to screw up. Here’s how not to…
DON’T impart your sensual juxtaposition through the use of purple prose!
At that moment she felt his hand come up beneath her bridesmaid’s gown, heard the rustle of material giving way, felt his large warm hand between her legs, ripping aside the satin panties to caress her vulva. She put her arms around his neck and hung there as he opened his trousers. Then he placed both hands beneath her bare buttocks and lifted her. She gave a little hop in the air so that both of her legs were wrapped around her upper thighs. His tongue was in her mouth ad she sucked on it. He gave a savage thrust that banged her head against the door. She felt something burning pass between her thighs. She let her right hand drop from his neck and reached down to guide him. Her hand closed around an enormous, blood-gorged pole of muscle. It pulsated in her hand like an animal and almost weeping with grateful ecstasy she pointed it into her own wet, turgid flesh.
~from The Godfather by Mario Puzo
DON’T rely on scary metaphors*!
“he kissed her HEATED CENTER like a Pope's ring”
“his dick seated itself in her audience”
“her muscles snapped at his dick like a pissed off alligator”
“running his tongue up, down and around her pussy like a lost tourist”
*Thanks? to Stoney for these. They are very traumatizing.
DON’T write a preflight checklist!
1. Kissing
2. Nipples
3. Fingers
5. Handjob
6. Blowjob
7. Fucking
8. Orgasm
Mix it up; one from column A, one from column B...
DON’T play it by the numbers!
DON’T fall victim to the Fallacy of the Hokey Pokey!
• Don’t start enumerating body parts (left hand is here, right hand is there, etc.) That’s not sex, it’s Twister.
• Do keep up with where things are - lest you wind up having Angel tweaking Spike’s nipple, grabbing his head and breaking a lamp all at once. As Kita once said, “Honey, he’s a vampire, not an octopus!”
DON’T take an instructional tone!
Surprisingly none of this was said aloud, but though the telepathic bond that was a side affect of their claim. Claiming is a vampiric mating ritual involving bloodletting and a possessive phrase such as ‘mine’. A claim between two sublevel vampires will result in empathetic feelings, allowing one to experience the others emotions on a low level. Only claims between master vampires result in such advanced telepathy as seen in this couple. The difference being that Buffy was human, or at least not a master vampire. Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. The one girl in all the world whose job it is to kill the vampires and stop the apocalypses*.
*from the Pit of Voles
DON’T use clinical language!
Penis and vagina are great terms - for the doctor’s office or VD pamphlets - but they will throw your reader right out of a story. I have a personal bias against “areola” and “labia” and really clinical dick terms like “frenulum” and “glans,” but that might be just me. And I will click the back button so hard I’ll break a nail if I read “urethra.”
Horrifying example from our friends in the Sentinel fandom, courtesy tesserae_:
Jim moves between Blair's legs, and they part for him. Jim's mouth moves deeper and deeper into the dark pubic hair, absorbing scent, texture, skin temperature and amount of moisture. He kisses, he licks, he sucks. He knows this territory well and finds it just as exciting as the first time he explored it. Blair's scrotum is tasted with lips and tongue. Then Blair's penis takes its turn.
DON’T use clichés.
“His eyes were as blue as the sea.” BO-RING.
Saving the cliché - the way to save a cliché is to get specific - take a broad concept (the sea) and whittle it down to something specific and meaningful:
“His eyes were the same clear blue as the stone in the ring she’d gotten for her fifth birthday. Her Daddy had sat beside her and slipped the slender gold band onto her finger, watching with a smile as she moved her hand back and forth, just to see the light glint off the tiny aquamarine.”
DON’T stop the action for PSA.
We get that safe sex is important. However, do not stop the sex for an AIDS lecture! Make the condom part of the sensuality of the moment and save the info for later.
DON’T lose the epithets vs pronoun war!
NO brown-haired carpenter
NO handsome pilot
NO Canadian physicist
NO alluring companion
NO plucky high-schooler
NO dark Slayer
NO brooding vampire
NO dreadlocked Satedan
NO younger/taller/shorter/etc man
NO evil Cylon
NO scruffy Watcher
NO serene Wiccan
If you cannot write your sentence using the characters’ names or simple pronouns, the sad truth is that your sentence sucks. Rewrite it.
BAD: They purposely stood apart in the elevator, not daring to touch. They walked down the hall, Spike slightly in front of Xander. When the blond stopped to unlock the door, the brunet stopped directly behind him and pressed his erection firmly against the vampire’s ass, his hands resting on either side of the doorframe. Spike pressed back and then flung the door open. They stumbled into the room, and fell onto the sofa in the parlor. Xander landed on the bottom and pulled Spike across his lap, settling the vampire’s knees on either side of his hips.
BETTER: They purposely stood apart in the elevator, not daring to touch. They walked down the hall, Spike slightly in front of Xander. When he stopped to unlock the door, Xander stopped directly behind him and pressed his erection firmly against Spike’s ass, his hands resting on either side of the doorframe. Spike pressed back and then flung the door open. They stumbled into the room, and fell onto the sofa in the parlor. Xander landed on the bottom and pulled Spike across his lap, settling his knees on either side of his hips.*
* Oh, yes - that's me. From Long Time Gone. Seriously, no one is immune.
DON’T rely on overly-creative euphemisms*!
She-juice
clit pucker
hot, white icing
meat curtains
cum dumpster
Purple-headed warrior
man-gina
8 inch ripping tool
tube snake
pearl necklace
cream filled twinkie
fish taco
dripping cock
wet slit
love organ
love button
rosy pucker
chocolate starfish
Yes, you can say things in non-clinical terms, but save the creativity for the plot, okay?
...he spread her legs open to him, revealing her still moist nether mound. His dagger was instantly hard and needed to be sheathed.
*Thanks? to my friends list for breaking my brain with these.
DON’T spell out the sex noises!
“Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike! Unghhhhhhhhhhhh! It’s so goooooooooooooood!” Uh, no, it isn’t. Just don’t do it, kids.
DON’T have robot sex dialogue!
Commas - use them. Also, break up large chunks of dialogue with actions - it improves the flow and makes your characters sound like they’re, you know, having sex.
DON’T skimp on research!
If you’re writing a sex act you’ve never done, Google it, for fuck’s sake! If you’re unsure of the anatomy, Google it. Long ago, I read a story where Buffy had a prostate. Seriously. Also, the prostate is only in one place - a diagram is easy to find.
DON’T forget that you have options!
The “fade to black” is perfectly acceptable, as is the no-sex love scene, as is general description to a fade-out. If you know you aren’t good at it, you don’t have to write it.
How to write a GOOD sex scene
DO remember that sex scenes come from character.
• These are people (or vampires, or wizards, or werewolves - whatever), and they rarely fuck without a reason. Your sex scene needs to explore that.
• Almost all sex is based in emotion. That emotion may not be true love (angry!sex, anyone?), but there’s always emotion there. In keying back to the emotion - matching thought to word and deed - you make your sex scenes meaningful.
• Sex involves more than genitals. Use all of your characters’ senses to describe the scene - what sounds do they make? What do they look like? What is your POV character feeling, both physically and emotionally? What scents are there? Tastes? Use everything.
DO read your sex scene out loud.
Sure, your dog is going to think you’re a sex freak, but you are. Besides, he’s a dog - he licks his own ass - what does he know? Reading out loud lets you take a close listen to the flow of your words. Do they convey the emotion, the pitch, the tone of your story? Romantic, flower-strewn sex scenes should have long sentences with lots of adjectives. Hot and hard against the wall will tend to have short, declarative sentences.
DO the unexpected!
Sex isn’t always perfect, and things don’t always follow the procedure manual. Mix it up - let your characters have laughing sex, or have something turn out differently than expected. Let them have little miscommunication - a sex scene is a great place to illuminate character.
DO think about what makes you hot.
If your sex scene doesn’t turn you on, chances are it won’t turn anyone else on. Rewrite it until it makes you squirm.
CONCLUSION:
Seriously, it all comes down to common sense and paying attention. If you will take the time to read over what you write, you will improve your work immensely. If you take a little longer and actually rewrite your story (ideally, a couple of times), you will literally be amazed by the improvements in quality.
You wouldn’t be here listening to me if you didn’t have an interest in improving your sex scenes and your writing in general, so I hope that you found all of this useful.
If I can leave you with one thought to improve your writing, it’s this: Slow down and enjoy the ride. Now go forth, and sin some more.
Also, congratulations to everyone who won Sexual Euphemism Bingo - listening to all of you read out your answers (Fish taco! Purple-headed Warrior!) was hilarious.