(no subject)
It's been pretty understood that for the last 3 months my emotions have been back and forth. i guess it's finally time to come clean about a few things. Some of you know this, but i think not being open about it is somewhat eating my insides.
a. I have general anxiety disorder. Duh! anyone who knows me for more than a minute can probably figure that out. I freak out and get nervous a lot. I've just gotten better at holding it in.
b. at one time my doctor told me I might hypo-manic depressive. Which basically means. I get really really depressed the way a manic depressive/bi polar person would. But i don't hit those manic phases and act crazy. I pretty much act normal. it's like severe mood swings. However, i control it pretty well.
c. i'm not fucking crazy I promise. Some may think from time to time I can be. However, i am not one of those.
d. There are 2 guys "in my life" that I will probably for the time being consider them the ones that got away. hahaha. I say in my life because one i rarely talk to anymore and the other I talk to daily, however I can never tell him my true feelings. I have not been in a serious relationship with either one, sexual yes. romantic sometimes. committed not at all. I used to think I am ok with that. Now I realize I have to be.
e. my best friend in the entire world lives 2 hours from here. I haven't seen him in a few months and i miss him terribly. Sometimes I think he forgets about me.
f. I love living back in the chicagoland area. I haven't had this much fun in a long time. even though I have been dealing with this depression thing again I still love life and i'm still really happy. It's just hard to deal with reality sometimes. and i really don't like to get out of bed.
g. I am more and more realizing that I want to physically move on after my last relationship. sure i have mentally and emotionally gotten over it and it doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore, now i'm just ready to start "dating" again. I've been ready but I really want too. I'd like to be taken out to dinner or showered with rum or have someone take a walk to the lake with me.
h. The other day as i was driving southbound on lake shore dr. The christmas lights on buckingham fountain were on, the christmas trees in front of the Field Museum were up and the drive was empty. I pulled over onto balbo at 3 o'clock in the morning. Got out of my car and sat on the steps in front of the fountain. I'll never leave this city again. It's the most beautiful place in the world.
i. with that being said i'm watching the ice take over my window and even that is beautiful.
j. baby mama drama is for 12 year olds, leave me the fuck out of it.
k. I miss my grandfather more and more every day. I am finding myself more frequently wanting to call him and still almost 9 months later I can't erase his phone number from my cell phone.
l. The biggest thing i missed from ISU was rosies and the familiarity. Now I have Rodan. I want to share that place with the rest of you.
m. the second biggest thing I miss is speech. Joel called me, i'm judging a college tournament. I will never be done with this activity.
n. I have found confidence through Mica. She somehow makes me feel good about myself when I feel at my lowest. She just says the right things at the right times. Sometimes, when we are out I feel like nothing will ever be boring. That's pretty accurate.
o. I have neglected the things i promised myself I would do. exercise more, lose some weight, become a healthier person. I'm becoming happier instead.
p. I stiill want to lose 30lbs, i've lost 5 so far.
q. 25 more pounds until i can do you know what again.
r. rusty and busted bitches are like my favorite things in the world.
s. Not eating on tuesdays so i can have a dollar burger and a lot of beer on tuesday nights is awesome.
t. I actually really enjoy working at starbucks, i mean i get paid well and it's a fun job. what else could i ask for? i mean i get to see attractive guys in suits all day long.
u. Guys covered in tattoos are like my favorite thing, however when they are litte runts and act like assholes i get over it real quick. but i still think their real cute.
v. One day i'll find someone who isn't an asshole. until then i'm not settling. but in 25 lbs i'll make out with you.
w. I spend too much money on clothing. i drink way too much caffeine and i smoke way too many cigarettes. i'm pretty sure i have a dependancy problem/a very addictive personality.
x. My room is always a disaster. I keep it that way so i won't lock myself in there all day long.
y. I just found 3 huge notebooks full of stories and poems and narratives and journals that i wrote throughout high school. i was pretty much a big dork that listened to Korn and Dashboard confessional. I was real confused. Now i listen to jenny lewis, modest mouse, alkaline trio, the faint, the decemberists, wolf parade and go to places like town hall, sonotheque, and the note after 2a.m. I'm ever more confused.
z. I never intended on this list. it just came out.
Kudla, you wanted to know what was going on in peoples lives. well there you go.
a. I have general anxiety disorder. Duh! anyone who knows me for more than a minute can probably figure that out. I freak out and get nervous a lot. I've just gotten better at holding it in.
b. at one time my doctor told me I might hypo-manic depressive. Which basically means. I get really really depressed the way a manic depressive/bi polar person would. But i don't hit those manic phases and act crazy. I pretty much act normal. it's like severe mood swings. However, i control it pretty well.
c. i'm not fucking crazy I promise. Some may think from time to time I can be. However, i am not one of those.
d. There are 2 guys "in my life" that I will probably for the time being consider them the ones that got away. hahaha. I say in my life because one i rarely talk to anymore and the other I talk to daily, however I can never tell him my true feelings. I have not been in a serious relationship with either one, sexual yes. romantic sometimes. committed not at all. I used to think I am ok with that. Now I realize I have to be.
e. my best friend in the entire world lives 2 hours from here. I haven't seen him in a few months and i miss him terribly. Sometimes I think he forgets about me.
f. I love living back in the chicagoland area. I haven't had this much fun in a long time. even though I have been dealing with this depression thing again I still love life and i'm still really happy. It's just hard to deal with reality sometimes. and i really don't like to get out of bed.
g. I am more and more realizing that I want to physically move on after my last relationship. sure i have mentally and emotionally gotten over it and it doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore, now i'm just ready to start "dating" again. I've been ready but I really want too. I'd like to be taken out to dinner or showered with rum or have someone take a walk to the lake with me.
h. The other day as i was driving southbound on lake shore dr. The christmas lights on buckingham fountain were on, the christmas trees in front of the Field Museum were up and the drive was empty. I pulled over onto balbo at 3 o'clock in the morning. Got out of my car and sat on the steps in front of the fountain. I'll never leave this city again. It's the most beautiful place in the world.
i. with that being said i'm watching the ice take over my window and even that is beautiful.
j. baby mama drama is for 12 year olds, leave me the fuck out of it.
k. I miss my grandfather more and more every day. I am finding myself more frequently wanting to call him and still almost 9 months later I can't erase his phone number from my cell phone.
l. The biggest thing i missed from ISU was rosies and the familiarity. Now I have Rodan. I want to share that place with the rest of you.
m. the second biggest thing I miss is speech. Joel called me, i'm judging a college tournament. I will never be done with this activity.
n. I have found confidence through Mica. She somehow makes me feel good about myself when I feel at my lowest. She just says the right things at the right times. Sometimes, when we are out I feel like nothing will ever be boring. That's pretty accurate.
o. I have neglected the things i promised myself I would do. exercise more, lose some weight, become a healthier person. I'm becoming happier instead.
p. I stiill want to lose 30lbs, i've lost 5 so far.
q. 25 more pounds until i can do you know what again.
r. rusty and busted bitches are like my favorite things in the world.
s. Not eating on tuesdays so i can have a dollar burger and a lot of beer on tuesday nights is awesome.
t. I actually really enjoy working at starbucks, i mean i get paid well and it's a fun job. what else could i ask for? i mean i get to see attractive guys in suits all day long.
u. Guys covered in tattoos are like my favorite thing, however when they are litte runts and act like assholes i get over it real quick. but i still think their real cute.
v. One day i'll find someone who isn't an asshole. until then i'm not settling. but in 25 lbs i'll make out with you.
w. I spend too much money on clothing. i drink way too much caffeine and i smoke way too many cigarettes. i'm pretty sure i have a dependancy problem/a very addictive personality.
x. My room is always a disaster. I keep it that way so i won't lock myself in there all day long.
y. I just found 3 huge notebooks full of stories and poems and narratives and journals that i wrote throughout high school. i was pretty much a big dork that listened to Korn and Dashboard confessional. I was real confused. Now i listen to jenny lewis, modest mouse, alkaline trio, the faint, the decemberists, wolf parade and go to places like town hall, sonotheque, and the note after 2a.m. I'm ever more confused.
z. I never intended on this list. it just came out.
Kudla, you wanted to know what was going on in peoples lives. well there you go.