Please help me edit!

[ioianthe]

This poem comes with a question: I'm fairly pleased with this piece, and want to share it, but it's kind of personal about me and a friend... and I'm worried about how my other friends will recieve it: what should I do?

(I think the last stanza is rough too, so suggestions are appreciated!)

Comments

[ioianthe]

Thank You!

[royanrannedos]

I hate sonnets. If a poem is a car, a sonnet is the cube left after the car has been through the junkyard compactor. To be honest, I'm confused about what this poem means. Maybe a short explanation of the last stanza, and the shift from his black and white to your black and white?

[ioianthe]

This sonnet just kind of evolved as an exercise, I generally don't write any poetry at all, but since it's done, I figured I'd put it out there. The last stanza might be really "inside" and hard for someone who doesn't know me/us to get. Anyway, I'm hesitant to explain it in detail until I've gotten more responses (I want to see what people get from it on their own).
I will say that the switch from his black on white to *my* black and white is turning it into a term of endearment, like a pet name.

[royanrannedos]

also, "fourth" needs to be "forth", unless there have been three other twixt-lip view heralds. *bowp*

[ioianthe]

done, thnx:)

I stopped after the first line.

[citizenwind]

just because you're using a traditional form doesn't mean you need to use archaic language.

Re: I stopped after the first line.

[ioianthe]

yes, but I did- so your comment is useless.

[citizenwind]

man, I wouldn't be so proud of demonstrating such a juvenile understanding of form.

[ioianthe]

your trolling is pointless... we're done here.