This first section - the retelling of the Japan episode, has more colour than the rest of the piece, more energy. It feels real, whereas the rest feels abstract, as though it's a tale made up by the characters. Maybe it's because you have some dialogue in that first bit? Or because the telling details of the characters leap out more - they seem more dynamic: the "chopping the air" with her hand, him "plunging" his in the tank. Not sure...
The rest is a little pedestrian in comparison. You've got some nice detail here and there: the price tags still on the hats they wore, the planks against their backs, the catch "whipped crazily around in the air". You caught those little images well - they felt true. I guess it's more that the fishing trip was lacking in incident, felt like it needed a bit more... something.
On the picky wagon today:
I think maybe you could use a few more commas in places. eg: Gorged on roasted squid, and having more than a little sake in them, they each took turns trying to scoop goldfish into ceramic rice bowls
( ... )
Yes, the last bit did suggest that they would tell the story in an "enhanced" version. I never thought that maybe it would perhaps make you re-evaluate the Japan episode.
On a re-read this morning I found the fishing trip more compelling. Interesting... it's a grower :)
I think your comment is a good example of the need for commas and better phrasing. Both problems #1 and #2 may not be what you think they are.
1. Mangos don't have shells, if you replace the word with skin, it will make more sense.
The actual sentence is "Down below their empty mango shells bumped against the dock’s beams." Does this mean that empty mango shells bump against the dock, or that shells bump against the dock below the empty mango? I personally vote the latter, since it makes more sense. However, without a comma, no one can be certain. :) For clarity, it should read either "Down below, their empty mango shells bumped against the dock’s beams" or "Down below their empty mango, shells bumped against the dock’s beams."
2. You said the crab "whipped crazily around in the air with unnecessary force" - which seemed odd to me, because if I was just plucked from my environment, I'd probably be freaking out too-so, I don't think the force is unnecessary.The phrase is, "He sat up and reeled it in easily. It shot out of the water
( ... )
Now for my actual critique. MWAHAHAHA! ;) Grammar Queen strikes again!
I like the overall flavor of this piece, but there were a few lines that I think should be rephrased.
Danny like a diver plunged his hand into the tank...
If you want to use this phrasing, you technically have to use commas around "like a diver". "Danny, like a diver, plunged..." However, there is another comma right after that, so I would suggest moving the simile. "Danny plunged his hand into the tank like a diver..."
Neither of them had ever been to the beach although they’d seen it from airplane windows and seen the shorelines at a distance where they could smell the salt.
This sentence needs a comma or two and/or a period. Suggestions:
"Neither of them had been to the beach, although they'd seen it from airplane windows. They'd seen shorelines from a distance, where they could smell the salt."
They arrived at the beach and stepped out of the car, wearing the hats with the five dollar price tag dangling off the brims, and pulled out the equipment and
( ... )
Both sentences have "and" three times. No matter what rulebook you use, unless it's some sort of poetry or dialogue, multiple ands are strictly forbidden! Sometimes you can get away with two, but three is just too much.
I think there is a strong use for it sometimes, although it may be grammatically incorrect. I will bow to your greater knowledge of The Rules on that one, Grammar Bunny ;)
For instance - when suggesting some kind of stream of consciousness in the narrative. As an example, the phrase:
There was W, X, Y and Z.
Implies that the author has remembered all those things, in a single block, prior to reporting them in the text. The narrator's mind has had time to organise them correctly, before rendering them in proper form. It implies a more "processed" narrative. Whereas:
There was W, and X, and Y, and Z.Implies that the narrator is remembering these things almost as they are writing, which gives the feeling of a less processed, more raw narrative, closer to the stream of the writer's consciousness
( ... )
Comments 6
The rest is a little pedestrian in comparison. You've got some nice detail here and there: the price tags still on the hats they wore, the planks against their backs, the catch "whipped crazily around in the air". You caught those little images well - they felt true. I guess it's more that the fishing trip was lacking in incident, felt like it needed a bit more... something.
On the picky wagon today:
I think maybe you could use a few more commas in places. eg:
Gorged on roasted squid, and having more than a little sake in them, they each took turns trying to scoop goldfish into ceramic rice bowls ( ... )
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(The comment has been removed)
On a re-read this morning I found the fishing trip more compelling. Interesting... it's a grower :)
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1. Mangos don't have shells, if you replace the word with skin, it will make more sense.
The actual sentence is "Down below their empty mango shells bumped against the dock’s beams." Does this mean that empty mango shells bump against the dock, or that shells bump against the dock below the empty mango? I personally vote the latter, since it makes more sense. However, without a comma, no one can be certain. :) For clarity, it should read either "Down below, their empty mango shells bumped against the dock’s beams" or "Down below their empty mango, shells bumped against the dock’s beams."
2. You said the crab "whipped crazily around in the air with unnecessary force" - which seemed odd to me, because if I was just plucked from my environment, I'd probably be freaking out too-so, I don't think the force is unnecessary.The phrase is, "He sat up and reeled it in easily. It shot out of the water ( ... )
Reply
I like the overall flavor of this piece, but there were a few lines that I think should be rephrased.
Danny like a diver plunged his hand into the tank...
If you want to use this phrasing, you technically have to use commas around "like a diver". "Danny, like a diver, plunged..." However, there is another comma right after that, so I would suggest moving the simile. "Danny plunged his hand into the tank like a diver..."
Neither of them had ever been to the beach although they’d seen it from airplane windows and seen the shorelines at a distance where they could smell the salt.
This sentence needs a comma or two and/or a period. Suggestions:
"Neither of them had been to the beach, although they'd seen it from airplane windows. They'd seen shorelines from a distance, where they could smell the salt."
They arrived at the beach and stepped out of the car, wearing the hats with the five dollar price tag dangling off the brims, and pulled out the equipment and ( ... )
Reply
I think there is a strong use for it sometimes, although it may be grammatically incorrect. I will bow to your greater knowledge of The Rules on that one, Grammar Bunny ;)
For instance - when suggesting some kind of stream of consciousness in the narrative. As an example, the phrase:
There was W, X, Y and Z.
Implies that the author has remembered all those things, in a single block, prior to reporting them in the text. The narrator's mind has had time to organise them correctly, before rendering them in proper form. It implies a more "processed" narrative. Whereas:
There was W, and X, and Y, and Z.Implies that the narrator is remembering these things almost as they are writing, which gives the feeling of a less processed, more raw narrative, closer to the stream of the writer's consciousness ( ... )
Reply
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