I really liked this story! For some reason, I'm a sucker for stories like this one. Modern dark fantasy isn't easy to write. I especially loved the bit at the end when the kid asks the devil what the horse eats, and the Devil's answer. the only problems I had--and it may be because I'm not experienced as a beta reader--is how the paragraphs are broken up. I think I'm just used to seeing them differently. Also, while I can't be entirely sure, I think the prompt may have been to write about the painting itself. Even so, I loved this story.
I'm not picky - I accept anything as "prompt response" as long as it was in some way, shape, or form inspired by the prompt. :)
So if you get an idea but it doesn't fit with the "suggested challenge" don't feel like you can't post it. Sometimes I think I narrow it down too much, but I can't just leave it entirely open, either... :/
Oh, I loved this. Great tone and great diction. It sounds just like an old folk story, particularly the boy's perception of the devil and his innocent outlook on losing his soul. And I loved "There's no need for that type of language." Very clever and well-written.
I think you did a great job with the characters - especially the dialogue. You really gave us a feel for the boy. And I loved his musings about what a "soulless" person might or might not do.
I agree with kailita - it has the hallmarks of a great old folk tale about it. It just needs a moral ending...
Nice story, but tell me about the accent. I stall at the carefully enunciated "harmonica," and think back to a recording I heard of an old deep-Southern man refer to his "harp" (mouth harp). I hesitate to bring it up just in case you've spent hours listening to tapes of the locals in question and they all say "harmonica."
Harmonica aside, to my ear the accent wavers in dialogue, and I wonder about exactly who is generating the Devil, and what kind of Devil that narrator would make, what accent that narrator would give it, and so on.
I really liked the story. I was very drawn into it, even though this definitely isn't my cup of tea when it comes to prose. (I write the darkest poetry ever, but I only write happy prose.)
I really enjoyed the dialogue between the kid and the Devil. I thought portraying the Devil as you did was really interesting. I got an almost friendly vibe, but not like "I want to adopt you" kind of thing.
I have issues with the dialect/accent thing, but that's because I hate it written, like Huck Finn. What is "doan"? Haha. I shouldn't critique when I'm sick.
But anyway, yes. Good story. Tighten the sentence structure in a few places, but the story is very well-written.
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So if you get an idea but it doesn't fit with the "suggested challenge" don't feel like you can't post it. Sometimes I think I narrow it down too much, but I can't just leave it entirely open, either... :/
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I agree with kailita - it has the hallmarks of a great old folk tale about it. It just needs a moral ending...
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Harmonica aside, to my ear the accent wavers in dialogue, and I wonder about exactly who is generating the Devil, and what kind of Devil that narrator would make, what accent that narrator would give it, and so on.
Okay, I'll finally stop harping on this issue.
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I really enjoyed the dialogue between the kid and the Devil. I thought portraying the Devil as you did was really interesting. I got an almost friendly vibe, but not like "I want to adopt you" kind of thing.
I have issues with the dialect/accent thing, but that's because I hate it written, like Huck Finn. What is "doan"? Haha. I shouldn't critique when I'm sick.
But anyway, yes. Good story. Tighten the sentence structure in a few places, but the story is very well-written.
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