Physical chemistry between characters?

[heddychaa]

I'm having some trouble with this scene

Comments

[m_m_m_mother]

I'm not getting much in the way of chemistry; your narrator seems more on the side of repulsion than sexual attraction with this girl. I'm not sure how you'd fix that, though

[heddychaa]

Thanks for the critique.

Yes, I agree, though, about alot of this. Maybe it's these belabored descriptions that are really hampering the moment. I heard the same complaint from someone else, though, so I'm pretty sure there is something to it!

I don't mind the notion of repulsion, however, I think I'm fine with him feeling that she's "off" in some way, but I don't want it to seem completely impossible that they'd ever have sex, if you know what I mean?

On that note

[heddychaa]

“You don’t know who I am, do you?” she asked in British-accented English that was betrayed by only the barest undertones of Japanese. There was no trace of that falsely melodic voice she’d been using on Chisato. To me, she spoke in a soft, high voice, like a child might whisper to a baby doll

Re: On that note

[m_m_m_mother]

That works better for me; another trick you could use is to slowly reveal different parts of her outfit as the narrator takes notice of them. Like when he first notices her, he might be looking into her face, and thus notice her hairstyle first. Later on while she's speaking he might be pretending to stare ahead at the shelves but out of the corner of his eye examines her odd dress, etc. It doesn't need to all come at us at once. You could deliberately taking your time in drawing this picture of her, you know? That's, of course, only one way of going about it.

[roseross]

Zero heat between the two characters. It's because you've described zero physical response from Kendon. I'd take out about half the noticing of fashion and replace it with noticing of physicality. Or blend physicality into the fashion description. Kneesocks are interesting but someone who is sexually attracted would mainly notice them because they leave the knees revealed. A baby-doll dress is nice but a man would probably notice it leaves the thighs revealed, and would describe the thighs more than he's describe the dress.

Right before the kiss, you described her physical signs of passion in the flushed skin, etc. (which seemed a bit odd when there had been nothing to really arouse her to that point.) Do the same for Kendon -- have him physically react to the kiss. The fact he "passively accepted her advances" implies he did not feel any passion towards her.