Into the Subway

[somerled]

city washes the snow
gray into gutters; we descend
unzipping jackets

Comments

[cimeara]

I'm not sure.

Gray snow, gutters, subway, descent, all these fit together. I've ridden the subway in winter. It's a dark, dank, grungy place, very gutter-like, leaving you feeling like refuse.

But "unzipping jackets" is a phrase, an image, of a good sort of warmth? Not gritty enough.

[somerled]

Yeah. I want to talk about how nasty it is to sweat and stink in winter jackets while the subway cranks the heat to summer levels. But just the unzipping isn't quite enough. Hmm.

[mspixieears]

I wouldn't know this about descending into the subway if it weren't for the title. I think the first two lines are perhaps a little too abstract.

[somerled]

That's why it has that title. Maybe I can find a way to hint at the subway more in the poem.

[mspixieears]

It'll be hard to revise, but look forward to seeing what you come up with.

[lackaday]

I would abandon the form to fit in some richer detail.