ending a line with "the" three times in a row caused me to be distracted by it
i would really reconsider the frequency with which you end lines on unimportant words, i found it unduly distracting throughout
it's confusing how lillaree a woman, is compared to a nameless man at the beginning. is that on purpose?
"they had to hold you back when she said that to you, and all they said in return was that your mother was a lovely lady." said in return suggests they said it in reply to the mother
the last two lines are a little generic. cut them?
Also, I think you can start it more suddenly. "it's been almost three years." is a slow start. I'll offer a revision that plays with some of the meanings available in the opening:
Three years and your face faded, blurred out like the nameless off to prison
Comments 4
caused me to be distracted by it
i would really reconsider the frequency with which you end lines on unimportant words, i found it unduly distracting throughout
it's confusing how lillaree
a woman, is compared to a nameless man at the beginning. is that on purpose?
"they had to hold you back when she said that to you, and all they said in return was that
your mother was a lovely lady."
said in return suggests they said it in reply to the mother
the last two lines are a little generic. cut them?
i agree, good work.
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Three years and your face
faded, blurred out like the nameless
off to prison
etc, etc.
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<3passy
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My advice is pretty standard, I think you can say it better with fewer words. Stronger verbs.
Well done.
Hang in there, never give up!
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