It should be "its lovely song" not "it's" which is a contraction of "it is". I generally like a lot of the stuff you post, including this, so don't really have anything else constructive to say, I'm afraid :)
I do love it. But I have a problem with one of the central metaphors. (I love the mesh and fishes one.) Trees do -not- shed their skin, nothing like it. It's more like losing their hair, which doesn't work at all here. :-P Can it switch to spring? Animals shedding winter coats? Or somehow to birds, molting?
i'll think about that. it was more of the image i was concerned with though. when you think of shedding hair i think of something entirely different. thank you VERY much! i will put some thought into that.
i know this sounds really typical, but it's my general style in poetry to not capitalize. i have a specific reason. it's because to me, capitalizing looks harsh and imposing, and for some reason, capital letters intimidate me. that's why when i started writing prose, i didn't even capitalize that. but i really do appreciate you pointing that out.
and my linebreaks are really strange, but i am not sure how to fix them, since i break my lines with the intent of wanting the reader to keep going, thinking "oooh, what's next!" and almost thinking that one thing is something but not really the other...it's hard to describe idk. i'll see what i can do.
yeah, you're right about the you thing. i have a habit of doing that. do you know how i can possibly fix that? i haven't been able to write anything good lately.
I'd read Shakespeare's sonnets with that problem in mind. Many are written to a woman the reader doesn't know but whom the writer loves passionately and with whom he had an intimate relationship. Yet the poems don't leave out the reader, and give the context we need to understand what is being communicated.
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But I have a problem with one of the central metaphors. (I love the mesh and fishes one.)
Trees do -not- shed their skin, nothing like it. It's more like losing their hair, which doesn't work at all here. :-P Can it switch to spring? Animals shedding winter coats? Or somehow to birds, molting?
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It just has a minor grammatical error (which has already been mentioned).
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and my linebreaks are really strange, but i am not sure how to fix them, since i break my lines with the intent of wanting the reader to keep going, thinking "oooh, what's next!" and almost thinking that one thing is something but not really the other...it's hard to describe idk. i'll see what i can do.
yeah, you're right about the you thing. i have a habit of doing that. do you know how i can possibly fix that? i haven't been able to write anything good lately.
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