(Untitled)

[twerpology]

I am 99% sure that I posted an intro here but when I went to go look at the tag list (to verify I had the proper critque to ratio in order to post something new) I couldn't find username. At any rate I'm posting something for critque now and am 99% sure I have the proper ratio for that, too. I just figured I would let the mods know I haven't been

Comments

[somerled]

After your comment on my last post, as far as I am concerned, you can do no wrong! I'll look for your intro post and tag it.

Question: how important is "Absolute Zero" to you in this poem?

[twerpology]

: ) Aw, thanks!

Not very, I guess. I just need something to convey an extreme cold, so I figured Absolute Zero would work. What would work better?

[somerled]

I think leaving it blank works better:

the temperature drops
subjecting my lungs to hypothermia
like sucking ice through a straw

Less is more! Actually, I think these three lines contain all the imagery of the last three stanzas. I'd focus on them in your revisions.

For a last line, I think you should keep imagining. This idea that the need changes the atmosphere and then it is the atmosphere the speaker copes with, is interesting. I think you might be able to reveal something new about that need in a last line for the poem. I think that would be such a powerful way to close up the piece.

I think the first stanza does a good job as is.

[leevardi]

God, I love the third stanza - wonderful imagery, I can totally feel this. Short and sweet.

[twerpology]

Thank you! : )

[arielstreasures]

I like it a lot! Your ideas are so original!

somerled's done a great job talking about the first stanza, so I will talk about the final one:

My lungs struggle
with a gasp and a shiver.

If you could say this with more showing and less telling, the reader may be actually able to feel the shiver, so to speak. Show-not-tell is the hardest thing I've ever learned when it comes to writing, and I probably have not mastered the concept yet.

The line "my lungs struggle" seems to me to be quite 'telling' (I may be wrong) as we cannot see your lungs, it seems like you are telling us what is going on inside your body.

Maybe it would be easier to 'show' by focusing on the external rather than internal.

Okay, so what do you do when you are cold? I'll show you an example of what I mean...sorry if it is bad.

mittened fingers
raise a cup
of warm coffee
to lips that
gasp for air