First post

[fuckincroissant]

So...I'm not sure what I think of this but I'm interested in any criticism people may have

Second row, backtrack
I took your hand, you
took mine back.
the film was something vaguely arty
Dutch, probably.

School day sunsets
Winter freezing cracking flagstones
with that gloved hand in my gloved hand
clumsily trampling through
Winter snow-cum-mud

Scholarly

Comments

[heddychaa]

Have you posted any critiques? The rule here is post 2 critiques for every 1 post you make. Otherwise the community dies because people are only posting pieces without contributing otherwise.

Sorry if you have. I've just noticed recently that alot of people have been neglecting it.

[lackaday]

This is actually a lot better than the title portends, so maybe have a go at changing that first.

Only got a minute so here's some quick things:

• Line one, I would put "backtrack" up front to orient us right off
  
• "clumsily trampling" isn't as gripping as perhaps "stumbling" or something--adverbs are generally weaker and can usually be eliminated by a stronger verb
  
• Using the Latin "cum" is bound to get some snickers from even the most sophisticated audience, for one reason or another.
  
• "have parted company/quite happily"--room for improvement here, cliche-ish, and again with the adverbs (isn't there a power verb that means "to part quite happily" that would kick more ass than spelling it out as such?)
  
• "never be parted" is kind of an eye roll for me, like Savage Garden lyrics or something. Plus you used the word "parted" not that long ago. And I mean, do people really say, when they're breaking up or something, "I didn't want to ever part!" Kind of cornball.

[willabee]

overall, like it, there is something snappy about the language

[willabee]

oops, not "tramping" LOL
i meant "trampling"

[fuckincroissant]

you've been so helpful,

thank you :)

[somerled]

Less is more. In S1 for example, you could shorten to "the film was probably Dutch." The reader will go the extra step for you, read in the contempt the speaker has for artsy foreign film at school.

[carminablue]

I definitely agree about changing the title of this. Not only is it a bit bland, but I don't think it implies the connections and sentiments in the poem strong enough. I do like how you construct your images so descriptively with adjectives that would otherwise seem to be kind of bland, or rough. (like gum-ridden and sweaty and cracking)

I also think that the fourth stanza is the weakest. I do not think it is a horrible stanza or anything, I just think that the way it is written and how it is describing the sentiment doesn't fit entirely with the other stanzas in the sense of how it is written. I don't know if this was intentional or not.