Comments | write_away: My second post

tzviv1 in write_away

My second post

Mar 31, 2008 15:03

Thanks for warm reception. Here is a piece my daughter wrote last week.

Total Control

I will take over your mind
total control of your being
dominance of your life
beware my clutch

I will take you against your will
careful or I will strike
be wary,
be wary of your mind
you are not safe...

type: poetry, user: tzviv1

Comments 6

Mod Note auraesque April 1 2008, 01:08:20 UTC

Hey! This is just a friendly mod reminder that we do have a 2:1 rule. Even though you are posting pieces for your daughter, please crit posts by other users. Thanks!

That said, I do have some advice for your daughter. Tell her to read. Read poetry, as much as she can get her hands on.

When I write poetry, I like to be able to remove all the line breaks and still have a coherent piece of prose. Line breaks are just another type of punctuation, just a bare-breath pause shorter than a comma. Without them, you should still have grammatically correct sentences. Once you can write a strong piece with punctuation, then you can experiment without.

A lot of advice from someone who was once a young writer amfmampmadbc April 2 2008, 01:04:45 UTC

This has a really threatening tone, which isn't a bad thing, because I think that's the point of the piece. It almost accomplishes the parisitic feeling it is going for. There are serious grammar issues, but she's young and they don't teach grammar in schools anymore ( ... )

Part 2... I didn't even know LJ had a comment limit. amfmampmadbc April 2 2008, 01:05:15 UTC

Now for general writing advice: If your daughter's into creepy stuff, turn her onto Kafka. It's important that you show her the masters. Just reading them will make her better in the end. But, like I said, balance is important. So show her more light hearted adventure stories too, like Steinbeck. Kurt Vonnegut. Salinger. She might like Jane Austen. Whoever, I dunno. If you're not a big lit buff, ask someone who is to suggest slightly challenging revered literature ( ... )

eien_no_sakkaku April 2 2008, 06:10:49 UTC

I agree with

t-shirt line somerled April 2 2008, 20:20:30 UTC

This line:
careful or I will strike

would look great on a t-shirt. It could go with an image of a computer monitor.

Hee! trachea April 11 2008, 08:39:33 UTC

I love your "every poem must have a t-shirt line" idea. I sometimes think of it when I'm reading poems. Then I laugh. Or wish I had a silk-screener.