i'm starting a series...

[thepassinator]

...odes to the men (pl) who govern(ed) my life

the calm before the storm

we rest on mattresses made of feathers and
T.L.C.,
water-resistant eyeballs staring up at
grey storm clouds over jones beach.
i hope you remember
where to place your feet, because when we run,
we'll run barefoot, hand
in hand,

like lovers out of hell.

Comments

[somerled]

The sense of moment is good, the scene seems real because of the specificity and detail. But some of the references are too personal. Of these, although "jones beach" is self explanatory, "water-resistant eyeballs" is not. Other suggestions:

the calm before the storm

we rest on feather mattresses made of feathers and
T.L.C.,
water-resistant eyeballs staring up at
grey storm clouds over jones beach.
i hope you remember
where to place your feet, because when we run,
we'll run barefoot, hand
in hand,

like lovers out of hell.

I'd recommend a line in there to demonstrate what water-resistant eyeballs are and how they came to be important to the couple.

By the way, this poem is all about the narrator, not at all about the other half of the "we".

[yoshimonkey]

Personally, I like the first lines as is, the imagery is strong and it reads well.

"Water resistant eyeballs" strikes a discordant note- sounds kind of medical, or like it belongs more in a horror story.

Maybe omit "grey," but the rhythm of lines 3-4 sounds good otherwise.

I really like the rest of it- hard to say why, it just flows nicely.

(I'm more at home with prose, so please take these suggestions with several grains of salt.)

[willabee]

"like lovers out of hell" ending/beginning resonates well. it is exciting...a good lead for the next poem in the series, i imagine. there is a definite change from the reclining (feather bed) stationary start of the poem and rain to the warning "when we run" that i like.
i don't believe your references can be "too" personal...they just need to resonate for others as well. i agree with "water-resistant eyeballs" sounding odd, and somewhat confusing. i suggest expanding and tightening the first bit, the feather bed bit.