Staircase

[salmonfish]

I'm resubmitting this poem, as it got no views when I submitted it as a reply.

A stairway to a greater place,
Amidst the night so brightly shines.
Its ornate steps, a purple lace,
Climb to the sky in fragile lines.

Within the night's most dark intents,
The staircase breaks the gloomy dim.
It curls, entwines, escapes and bends,
Providing light, it

Comments

[aflaminghalo]

Bad news: The last line really breaks the mood of this piece for me, and possibly more could be done to build on the staircases malevolence.

Good news: I do like this; it holds its atmosphere well and there's something about the rhythm that brings to (my) mind "She Walks In Beauty..."

[abstract_apathy]

I do like this a lot; it flows very well and the rhyme scheme does not seem forced. Nevertheless, the last stanza could use some work; "around the place" breaks the flow because the tone goes from descriptive to vague all in one line. Also, the word "lace" in the last stanza sounds a bit redundant because you used the same description in the first stanza. What you could try to do is to change the "lace" description in the last stanza and use that as a basis to reconstruct the last line.

[salmonfish]

I deliberately wanted to return to the images I created in the first stanza - hence the lace, the purple, the light imagery. It's like the staircase continues being deceiving and tempting.

[cruithear_lorr]

I like the poem, the rhyme, the meter. And yes, I agree that "around the place" is very vague. I've learned the four words not to use are "person," "place," and "thing." Specifics provide more detail and enrichment.

[moonstruckpoet]

is there a 4th, or did you mean "the three words"?

Just curious because i'd like to avoid using it!

[salmonfish]

True, those aren't the most specific of words. I couldn't really pick a better phrase though, so I left it for now. I usually look back on my poems a while after, so I'm fresh, then I can edit.

[story_hunter]

You've successfully created a sense of atmosphere, & used the rhyme & meter without sounding forced. The only thing that jumped out at me was 'and she's not wise/Likewise' - the 'wise' & 'likewise' so close together was too much like repetition & I found it jarring when I was reading it.

[shuju_the_red]

I like the discipline of the rhyme and rhythm, especially because while it's there, nothing about it feels like it's trying too hard.

"...Entwines, escapes..." are pretty words where they are, and feel like they belong there, but they bother me because I can see everything, that is being described, except that. 'Entwines' makes sense to me, but the fact that it's followed by 'escapes' made me stop and wonder who or what is escaping. The staircase? The girl? But the words around it are about the staircase. Unless, of course, you mean 'escapes' as a noun, and not a verb, but then it is smack in the middle of the others, so I'm not sure about that.

Anyway, I likes it a lot. :)

[salmonfish]

Hm, it does appear rather out of place in that line. I wanted a sort of a progression... It entwines, and then escapes.