Memories

[luvxmex4nvr]

Memories
Of us seeing
Of us in the beginning
Of us actually fitting
Of us forgetting
Of knowing
Of us permitting, the thought of wondering
If it should be the ending

This is a poem for the writing prompt

Comments

[heddychaa]

I like the rhythm of the last two lines, but I feel as though you need something tangible in this poem. Right now it is just a pile of words, nothing you can touch, taste, smell, or see.

[desinere]

I agree with heddychaa. I like the ending a whole lot more than how this poem starts up, and other than the repitition of 'Of us' throughout the piece, there's not much that catches my eye.

I'm sure it'd be something amazing if you took the time to look it over and edit it using descriptions, similies, metaphors, etc. :)

[auraesque]

Which prompt? ;)

[thepassinator]

there was no imagery.

tbqf i thought it was really boring. there was nothing to catch my eye and it was just thoughts on the screen.

[story_hunter]

I like the idea of 'memories ... of us actually fitting' - the idea of two people fitting together - and I like the last two lines as well, but the rest needs more work.

I think you need to think about what you're trying to say & find ways of telling us that in the words you choose & the imagery you use. You need something tangible so that your readers will be drawn in and intrigued.

I also found the repetition of 'Of us' that many times a bit much - it could work, but only if there was more to the rest of your poem.