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[nightlike_this]

Another essay I'm not sure about for AP english. This is a spin-off of another essay I wrote about speeding, or as my teacher calls them "drastic revisions". One of the requirements was to include dialogue. He never really specified how much we were suppose to use, so I'm kind of worried I didn't use enough. I'm not really sure where else I could

Comments

[chibibluebird]

I watched the speedometer climb, it skated with ease past the halfway mark and sprinted past the red line that signaled 100 miles per hour, treading without caution on it’s face, but never once faltering in its aspiration to go 360 degrees around.This seems to be a run-on sentence. Unless you're doing that for effect (ie. to represent the out-of-controlness of the car) at least the first comma should be a period

[lonely_lycanth]

You seem like a good writer. Your pace is good, your dialogue is well integrated, and your imagery is done well. It DOES need to be cleaned up, though.

First, watch your punctuation. You have more than one run on sentence, and you also have a lot of issues with commas. A lot of them are unnecessary, and a few of them are used incorrectly.

Second, take a look at basic grammar issues and word usage. ("Heir" sticks out in my mind... you mean "air.")

The last really big edit I'd recommend would be to tighten up. I think that your writing here would benefit a lot if you went back and made everything more concise. There are a bunch of phrases that, while technically correct, are unnecessary or that contribute little, if anything, to the story as a whole. If you can go back and take those phrases out, your imagery will be that much tighter, it will help to eliminate run-on sentences, and the story will be that much easier to read.

I do agree with chibibluebird on the issue of metaphors