Comments | write_away: Spider Bites and Dreams, Monday Word Response

mystik_serena in write_away

Spider Bites and Dreams, Monday Word Response

Feb 11, 2007 16:49

Dreams of Spiders
Rating: G
Note: It's a style I'm not familiar with, so if you could help me clean it up and tell me how I managed it? It may or may not fit with the prompt of "arachnid/aracne," but that's what it was written for.

( “Dreams )

type: prose, type: prompt response, user: mystik_serena

Comments 3

chibibluebird February 12 2007, 00:17:47 UTC

I think this is gorgeous.

I don't think there are any problems with the structure of the story.
There's a few little things you could do, but nothing major. (For example: there needn't be a comma between "perhaps" and tonight" in the last para, and it's not entirely clear whether the "that" in the 2nd last sentence refers to barbarians in jewel-covered furs or to dragonflies.)

nickherdt February 12 2007, 05:27:12 UTC

I agree with chibibluebird, it's great. Well done, nice images. The way you've woven the dream into the snap shot of this important day for your character, and the amount of information you convey about her is wonderful. The only question i have is on the line "The noodles swell like a pregnant woman's belly." It's a great image, but in the context of your other images it leaves me wondering, why that one? You've made me expect through the rest of the piece that your images are used for a reason, they develop the plot. What is that one doing? I can generate some ideas, but I'm just not sure if they're right or if I'm reachi8ng because of my expectation of the images. Other than that nit-pick, I love the flow, and your style here.

eisoj5 February 12 2007, 18:35:23 UTC

I really like this, too. The sectioning-off works really well, and you've done an excellent job with the narrator's voice.

Nitpicking:

immobolizing->immobilizing
It's a little tricky for me to parse the first paragraph: "I will be a divorcee tomorrow, and my mother calls . . ." In combination with "I won't listen", it almost seems like the bit about the mother calling should also be in the future, but it *also* seems like it's happening in the present, especially given the second paragraph.

I agree with nickherdt about the pregnant woman's belly--given the context of the failing marriage, it makes me wonder if infertility is a reason that the narrator isn't considering, but it doesn't seem like there's anything else in the piece to support that ( ... )