Comments | write_away: Unfortunate Normalcy

mystik_serena in write_away

Unfortunate Normalcy

Jan 08, 2007 16:18

UNFORTUNATE NORMALCY
Rating: G/PG

( They sat across the table from one another. The cups of coffee still steamed, bittersweet, between them. )

type: prose, user: mystik_serena

Comments 4

somerled January 8 2007, 23:28:48 UTC

The last three words are funny. So, to edit this, remove absolutely every last word you can, but preserve the funniness of the last three words. If you look at the story with a cold and purposeful eye, you will find lots of fat to trim.

pinkjennywriter January 9 2007, 04:57:31 UTC

besides the few obvious technical problems with this ('a many years before' whattt??? idk where you are from and if maybe this is a dialectical regularity, but to me it seems off and awkward) perhaps you should go back and read it with a more critical eye and ask yourself 'is this something i would want to read?' eliminate the ellipsis; i think it shows a sign of weakness and uncertainty about which punctuation you really want to use. you should only use a dot-dot-dot if you are leaving something out or jumping around in a quotation.

then look again at your dialogue. at the very end your characters conversation is weird... she says 'i've been sleeping with...' and he says 'so am i...' when i think he should be saying 'so HAVE i...'

sorry to be so harsh. i'm really a nice person, i swear.

feirith January 9 2007, 05:51:01 UTC

I agree with pinkjennywriter about the "so have I", since she says "I have been sleeping with" so it only makes sense. It was a bit jarring to me at first and I didn't get it until I got past the grammatical error.

I'm assuming they're both sleeping with the same person.

If so, then I think this story would have been better if the dialogue before the punchline had little hints of the ending, as in subtle hints at either one of their bisexuality, instead of being totally disconnected from the ending. Maybe little things that they should have seen coming all along that could be part of their flashbacks when they were together.

dyaniwriting January 19 2007, 21:38:24 UTC

This starts out quite sad, then segues into a bit of hilarity. I like it. I disagree with changing the grammar in the last line. Yes, it's grammatically wrong, but many people don't speak correctly. I think that makes it more realistic.