Readers needed

[enveri]

The door closed with a quiet click.  Emmitt, on the inside, sagged against the sturdy wood, pressing a fold of his robe against his lips so that the sobs that wracked his body could not be heard outside.  Rych stared at the door, his heart breaking into tiny little pieces.  He pressed his hand against the heavy oak of the door, murmuring a soft

Comments

[mythrai]

I'm not totally used to giving feedback on LJ, so I won't be giving any really specific feedback, but some overall crit.

- Adverbs, Semi-colons and repetitions: go through each sentence carefully aloud, and strike out any of these you find. Then, in certain places where they're absolutely necessary, add them back in.
- Info Dump: There are certain places where a giant chunk of information is dumped into the reader's lap and where it does happen, it slows down momentum. Information on the whispers and combat of war in Gilneas, good. Seguing into the backstory of the love triangle immediately following? Not so good. Similarly, Rychtier gets the summons to join the militia! but the action is slowed down again by having to read his thoughts in the cabin.
- Dialogue pacing: This is similar to info dumping, in that dialogue loaded with action tags can slow down the story

[enveri]

Thank you! This is the sort of feedback I was looking for. I am used to writing non-fiction... and RP. So writing a fictional story (dialogue is the bane of my existence) is definitely different.

*goes after it with the red pen*

[haikujaguar]

I think it's important to note, when addressing issues like infodump, that noticing you're doing it isn't useful unless you also figure out why you're doing it. If you're dumping setting information, that's a very different issue to resolve than if you're dumping character history. In this case, I think the infodump shows us that this story is starting too far forward in the timeline to accomplish what genet seems to want to do. It would benefit from going backwards and showing us some of the normal times between the characters (with maybe a hint of foreshadowing of things to come!).

So, in basic: expand! Write more! Show us the relationship! I think people tend to think "I have to keep it short to keep people interested." But letting something breathe has its merits. Especially in relationship stories. :D

So, yeah, genet. We want to know more about these people! So take us back to the good times! Let us get to know them, so that when they start having issues, we feel them keenly

[enveri]

I'm honestly not sure, I was hoping posting here would get more eyes on it (and it's certainly given me far more productive feedback!)

I hadn't planned on editing this, but both you and Mythrai had excellent suggestions, and my non-Wow playing friend said 'You know... you could put a little at the beginning to give this more of a sense of place' so... I'm... not sure. I need to think on it.

The biggest problem is, I have a ton of drabbles and bits of roleplay and I want to cobble it all together into a cohesive whole, so I might build it up a bit more before I continue posting... but I will definitely let folks know where it is. :D

[stateofbalance]

Mythrai gave you some great feedback on pacing! I second those comments, but I also want to add that the bit about the ogre cave is brilliant. You've done a lot of good characterization in such a short space. Now I want to see what happens next. :]

[enveri]

Thank you! After discussing with the person that is planning on writing Emmitt's half of the story, we're probably going back and doing a prequel, then will edit this so that it flows. :)