[CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan] Danger at the Women's Banquet
Title: Danger at the Women's Banquet
Fandom: CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan
Genre/Rating: Crack // PG
Characters/Pairings: Nokoru, Suoh, Akira
Summary: Unrelentless crack. The detectives get a mysterious letter warning them of laced food in the CLAMP School High School Division's Women's Banquet. Chaos Ensues.
Notes: Written for 'Aphrodisiacs' at cliche_bingo. CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan is the property of CLAMP.
Danger at the Women's Banquet
“Kaichou! Kaichou!”
Akira burst into the boardroom, gasping. Suoh looked up from his desk. “Ijyuin, what’s wrong?”
“Akira?” Nokoru sat up, having been taking a sneaky nap. All that paperwork was so tiring. “What’s the matter?”
Akira quickly dumped his books and folders onto his own desk, and plunged his hand into his pocket: “Here!”
It was a letter. Akira’s name was on the front, written in swirly black ink that implied that a quill had been used. Akira had already opened it, so Nokoru took no time in pulling the paper out. He heard Suoh’s chair scrape as he ran to look.
Dear Akira Ijyuin,
I am getting tired of all this talk about you and your friends being ‘saviours to women’. It makes average men such as myself look pathetic. The girl of my dreams spends hours gazing at your picture, and I can’t contain my anger anymore!
Therefore I have something to tell you. As you know, the High School Division of the Student Council is holding a women-only banquet to celebrate International Woman’s Day. I have laced all the food with aphrodisiacs. Men are not allowed in the venue all night, so I wish you luck in preventing any sort of ‘naughty’ disaster. Ahahaha!
Yours truly, an average man.
Nokoru’s face was white with horror. His hands were shaking as he tucked the letter into his pocket.
“I tried phoning the organisers but there was no answer!” spluttered Akira. “And the venue weren’t answering up their phones either so I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’d come find you and you’d know what to do!”
“Calm down, Ijyuin, it’s OK,” soothed Suoh, his face serious. “Kaichou.” He turned to Nokoru. “Are you alright? You don’t look well.”
“N - No,” Nokoru shook his head, his breath a mere whisper. “That… that fiend. What a horrible man. Those poor ladies… Suoh!”
“Yes?”
“When does the banquet begin?”
“In half an hour.”
“Kaichou!” Akira’s eyes sparkled. “You’ll help?”
“Of course I’ll help!” roared Nokoru, leaping out of his seat, flourishing his fan. “If a lady is in peril, nothing will stand in my way! Suoh, stay here and phone as many people as you can.”
“OK.”
“Akira, come with me,” he ran towards the door. “We’re going to stop this nefarious plan before it even begins!”
“Yes Kaichou!” Akira waved at Suoh. “We’ll be back soon, Takamura-senpai!”
*****
An hour later, the two boys return, dishevelled. Suoh had already prepared some tea for their return. He wasn’t as good as Akira by far, but it was the effort that counted.
“How did it go?” he asked, urgently.
“We made it,” moaned Nokoru, collapsing into his chair and picking up the tea, “oh, thank you for the tea.”
“It’s fine,” Suoh smiled. “I’m glad. But did something happen? You all look a bit…”
“Well,” Akira shuffled. “We found the culprit and stopped most of the meals coming out.”
“Most?”
“They’d already eaten dessert when we arrived,” grimaced Nokoru. “The High School Diversion Chairwoman said they couldn’t resist starting with the sweets.”
“So they were only very mildly affected,” continued Akira, rubbing his arm. “But then a few of them spotted us. We had to run for our lives.”
“To think!” Nokoru’s voice increased in volume. “Those poor ladies! With all their restraint stolen away, it was only natural that they would attempt to mob us. It was lucky we found an escape route.”
“If you were in danger, you should’ve called me,” said Suoh, concerned. “I mean, as your bodyguard -”
“It’s OK, Suoh,” Nokoru waved it away. “I was never in any real danger. Don’t worry about it. Akira did a fine job finding those escape routes though. How do you know so many?”
“How indeed?” Akira laughed nervously. “Anyway, thanks Kaichou! And thank you too, Takamura-senpai!”
“It’s no problem!”
“Kaichou,” whispered Suoh, once Akira was out of earshot. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I am,” Nokoru smiled. “Akira was a huge help. I’m sorry I relegated you to phoning people.”
“It’s fine,” Suoh shook his head. “Anyway, who was it?”
“A lovesick young man,” Nokoru opened his fan, which read ‘unrequited love’. “He’ll be punished, but I can sympathise.”
Suoh sighed, wishing he’d gone along too. “And how did you get into the hall? Men weren’t allowed.”
“…Ah,” Nokoru suddenly went red. “Uhh…”
“Kaichou!” Akira turned around and waved a wig at him. “What should I do with this?”
“…You dressed up as a girl?” asked Suoh, surprised.
“Uhh, well… yes,” admitted Nokoru, embarrassed. “We had no other choice. I know you don’t like dressing up in drag, which I why I -”
“Understandable,” Suoh sighed. The theatre club had complained that a few of their wigs had gone missing. So that’s where they’d gone too.
“Kaichou! How do I get this mascara off? It’s waterproof!” cried Akira’s voice from the kitchen.
And the theatre club’s missing makeup kit had been found too.
“AHHHHHHHH!”
“Akira!” The two boys bounded into action. There, in the kitchen, a girl was rattling the window, a crazed look in her eyes as she tried to get in. Akira was on the floor, shaking. “Impossible!” cried Nokoru. “We’re not on the ground floor!”
Suoh suddenly ran out of the kitchen. Worried, Nokoru turned away, “Suoh?”
“Another letter just came under the door!” he said, running back to them and opening it as he went. “Look!”
Dear Detectives,
Nice try, dumbasses. You really are all just a bunch of pretty faces! You got the wrong banquet. The drugs wear off in twenty four hours. Enjoy!
“………”
“Kaichou!” cried Akira. “What do we do?”
Suoh shook his head. Time to barricade the door.
THE END
Fandom: CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan
Genre/Rating: Crack // PG
Characters/Pairings: Nokoru, Suoh, Akira
Summary: Unrelentless crack. The detectives get a mysterious letter warning them of laced food in the CLAMP School High School Division's Women's Banquet. Chaos Ensues.
Notes: Written for 'Aphrodisiacs' at cliche_bingo. CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan is the property of CLAMP.
Danger at the Women's Banquet
“Kaichou! Kaichou!”
Akira burst into the boardroom, gasping. Suoh looked up from his desk. “Ijyuin, what’s wrong?”
“Akira?” Nokoru sat up, having been taking a sneaky nap. All that paperwork was so tiring. “What’s the matter?”
Akira quickly dumped his books and folders onto his own desk, and plunged his hand into his pocket: “Here!”
It was a letter. Akira’s name was on the front, written in swirly black ink that implied that a quill had been used. Akira had already opened it, so Nokoru took no time in pulling the paper out. He heard Suoh’s chair scrape as he ran to look.
Dear Akira Ijyuin,
I am getting tired of all this talk about you and your friends being ‘saviours to women’. It makes average men such as myself look pathetic. The girl of my dreams spends hours gazing at your picture, and I can’t contain my anger anymore!
Therefore I have something to tell you. As you know, the High School Division of the Student Council is holding a women-only banquet to celebrate International Woman’s Day. I have laced all the food with aphrodisiacs. Men are not allowed in the venue all night, so I wish you luck in preventing any sort of ‘naughty’ disaster. Ahahaha!
Yours truly, an average man.
Nokoru’s face was white with horror. His hands were shaking as he tucked the letter into his pocket.
“I tried phoning the organisers but there was no answer!” spluttered Akira. “And the venue weren’t answering up their phones either so I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’d come find you and you’d know what to do!”
“Calm down, Ijyuin, it’s OK,” soothed Suoh, his face serious. “Kaichou.” He turned to Nokoru. “Are you alright? You don’t look well.”
“N - No,” Nokoru shook his head, his breath a mere whisper. “That… that fiend. What a horrible man. Those poor ladies… Suoh!”
“Yes?”
“When does the banquet begin?”
“In half an hour.”
“Kaichou!” Akira’s eyes sparkled. “You’ll help?”
“Of course I’ll help!” roared Nokoru, leaping out of his seat, flourishing his fan. “If a lady is in peril, nothing will stand in my way! Suoh, stay here and phone as many people as you can.”
“OK.”
“Akira, come with me,” he ran towards the door. “We’re going to stop this nefarious plan before it even begins!”
“Yes Kaichou!” Akira waved at Suoh. “We’ll be back soon, Takamura-senpai!”
*****
An hour later, the two boys return, dishevelled. Suoh had already prepared some tea for their return. He wasn’t as good as Akira by far, but it was the effort that counted.
“How did it go?” he asked, urgently.
“We made it,” moaned Nokoru, collapsing into his chair and picking up the tea, “oh, thank you for the tea.”
“It’s fine,” Suoh smiled. “I’m glad. But did something happen? You all look a bit…”
“Well,” Akira shuffled. “We found the culprit and stopped most of the meals coming out.”
“Most?”
“They’d already eaten dessert when we arrived,” grimaced Nokoru. “The High School Diversion Chairwoman said they couldn’t resist starting with the sweets.”
“So they were only very mildly affected,” continued Akira, rubbing his arm. “But then a few of them spotted us. We had to run for our lives.”
“To think!” Nokoru’s voice increased in volume. “Those poor ladies! With all their restraint stolen away, it was only natural that they would attempt to mob us. It was lucky we found an escape route.”
“If you were in danger, you should’ve called me,” said Suoh, concerned. “I mean, as your bodyguard -”
“It’s OK, Suoh,” Nokoru waved it away. “I was never in any real danger. Don’t worry about it. Akira did a fine job finding those escape routes though. How do you know so many?”
“How indeed?” Akira laughed nervously. “Anyway, thanks Kaichou! And thank you too, Takamura-senpai!”
“It’s no problem!”
“Kaichou,” whispered Suoh, once Akira was out of earshot. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I am,” Nokoru smiled. “Akira was a huge help. I’m sorry I relegated you to phoning people.”
“It’s fine,” Suoh shook his head. “Anyway, who was it?”
“A lovesick young man,” Nokoru opened his fan, which read ‘unrequited love’. “He’ll be punished, but I can sympathise.”
Suoh sighed, wishing he’d gone along too. “And how did you get into the hall? Men weren’t allowed.”
“…Ah,” Nokoru suddenly went red. “Uhh…”
“Kaichou!” Akira turned around and waved a wig at him. “What should I do with this?”
“…You dressed up as a girl?” asked Suoh, surprised.
“Uhh, well… yes,” admitted Nokoru, embarrassed. “We had no other choice. I know you don’t like dressing up in drag, which I why I -”
“Understandable,” Suoh sighed. The theatre club had complained that a few of their wigs had gone missing. So that’s where they’d gone too.
“Kaichou! How do I get this mascara off? It’s waterproof!” cried Akira’s voice from the kitchen.
And the theatre club’s missing makeup kit had been found too.
“AHHHHHHHH!”
“Akira!” The two boys bounded into action. There, in the kitchen, a girl was rattling the window, a crazed look in her eyes as she tried to get in. Akira was on the floor, shaking. “Impossible!” cried Nokoru. “We’re not on the ground floor!”
Suoh suddenly ran out of the kitchen. Worried, Nokoru turned away, “Suoh?”
“Another letter just came under the door!” he said, running back to them and opening it as he went. “Look!”
Dear Detectives,
Nice try, dumbasses. You really are all just a bunch of pretty faces! You got the wrong banquet. The drugs wear off in twenty four hours. Enjoy!
“………”
“Kaichou!” cried Akira. “What do we do?”
Suoh shook his head. Time to barricade the door.
THE END