Editor! (lacking a subject line, she tries to make up for it with bolding).
At any rate, hello, I'm one of your editors this week!
*I really, really, really like the repetition of the two lines (and how you managed to get the prompt in there!). It plus the slow changing of what's going on in the content make it really powerful.
*Some rhythm notes: I felt that you could put some more pauses in. Like this part: Now you have become nothing more than a burden I choose not to bear any longer.
I keep thinking that a period after nothing (Now you have become nothing.), then a slight rewording of the next sentence (A burden I choose/not to bear any longer) would work too - it slides too easily for the bitterness.
*This part that made me see what it was I wanted and what it was I couldn't live without.
I was expecting a parallel construction (what it was/I wanted.../I didn't want) for example. The "I couldn't live without" is the part that I'm not sure about - it doesn't seem to fit into the previous two lines.
This is a very powerful piece. I like the fact that the first two lines repeat in all stanzas. The positive role of "catalyst" and the negative outcome in each stanza are very well balanced. I like the piece a great deal.
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(lacking a subject line, she tries to make up for it with bolding).
At any rate, hello, I'm one of your editors this week!
*I really, really, really like the repetition of the two lines (and how you managed to get the prompt in there!). It plus the slow changing of what's going on in the content make it really powerful.
*Some rhythm notes: I felt that you could put some more pauses in. Like this part:
Now you have become nothing
more than a burden I choose
not to bear any longer.
I keep thinking that a period after nothing (Now you have become nothing.), then a slight rewording of the next sentence (A burden I choose/not to bear any longer) would work too - it slides too easily for the bitterness.
*This part
that made me see what it was
I wanted and what it was
I couldn't live without.
I was expecting a parallel construction (what it was/I wanted.../I didn't want) for example. The "I couldn't live without" is the part that I'm not sure about - it doesn't seem to fit into the previous two lines.
*And one last thing:
( ... )
Reply
This is a very powerful piece. I like the fact that the first two lines repeat in all stanzas. The positive role of "catalyst" and the negative outcome in each stanza are very well balanced. I like the piece a great deal.
Reply
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