Comments | wordsingrey: Brigit's Flame June Week 3: "For where we are is hell."

someoneingrey in wordsingrey

Brigit's Flame June Week 3: "For where we are is hell."

Jun 19, 2012 12:21

I am certain now, that you underestimate ( Read more... )

isolation is the sum of wretchedness, the wonderful world of boys, like saying emotional fuck-whittery, brigits_flame, r is for riotous, the good the bad the decisions, surreal is as surreal does, it's just that it's delicate, grief-in-my-own-way, conversations i never thought i'd have, poetry, rock and a hard place, this is love not treason, days and weeks and months, there is a sacredness in tears, hope is a mother-fucker sometimes

Comments 6

bluegerl June 25 2012, 15:32:13 UTC

Oh dear,. Been there and am doing that!

If you hadn't written these words, they are what I wished I had written... Hell is where you are at.... you... the nothing enemy.

Oh - thank you for the last words. They are for the strong!!!!

It was a horrid prompt ... and I knew there would be dark entries... but even the darkest ones have light in their final words!!! Thank you... very much!!! Blue.

someoneingrey July 1 2012, 02:12:06 UTC

Thank you for the comment and the compliments! They are much appreciated.

keppiehed June 25 2012, 16:10:56 UTC

Oooh! What a kiss off. Worthy of Alanis herself; I kept hearing her music in my head set to these lyrics (which is a compliment). Someone should be blistered by this!

someoneingrey July 1 2012, 02:12:29 UTC

If I ever chose to share it with him, he probably would be...

Editor chiming in! innana88 July 1 2012, 00:54:49 UTC

Hello Grey ( ... )

with_rainfall July 5 2012, 04:20:46 UTC

Obviously this is very personal to you, and the emotion comes through very well. However, I have to agree with innana88 that this is a little too bald and too long to easily ‘digest’. Using metaphor and imagery would make it easier for your readers to be drawn into the poem. There’s real vulnerability in this poem in addition to the strength, and cutting it down will balance those two elements really well.

These lines are a great example of vulnerability:

I loved you once.
This morning I woke feeling content
that you would uphold your end of our bargain.
And I loved you a little again.

And these provide a powerful contrast:

Survival isn’t the end.
It is only the beginning.Do you see how isolating those lines from the wordier parts of the poem has made them stand out? Sometimes less is more ( ... )