Brigit's Flame Week 1, September, "Harbour"

[someoneingrey]

I would offer you shelter,
safe passage, safe harbours,
from all the things she's done
that make my skin crawl
and your heart ache.

But I don't know how
and you wont let me.I don't know how else to be

Comments

[oryginal_skin]

I like this a lot, especially the way you open it. But the end-- I think the last stanza could use some polish. Your message is there, but the stanza lacks... a poetic tone? I think a metaphor, emotionally charged language, or figurative language might enhance the sentiment of love I'm sure you have behind that offer.

[mullvaney]

Hi, I'm one of your editors for this piece. Here we go:

I would offer you shelter,
safe passage, safe harbours,
from all the things she's done
that make my skin crawl
and your heart ache.

But I don't know how
and you wont let me.

I don't know how else to be,
besides revolutionary you should have a comma here, and the word ‘revolutionary’ calls to mind civil strife, or bold new ideas, and I’m not sure if that’s the sentiment you want here.
when I offer what comfort I can.

Nor do I know
what else to say
when confronted by tears
you tell me
I have no part in.
Words I believe better
some days rather than others. This is unclear- you could change it to read “your words are more convincing / on some days; less on others. Or I believed you the first time / but not anymore.I would offer you shelter

[lieffeil]

Mua hahah I was checking out the volunteer edits today and saw your name. *glomp* to use a colloquial term for hurrah