Husband and Wife, Sort Of [Parks & Rec; Ron/Leslie]
TITLE: Husband and Wife, Sort Of
FANDOM: Parks and Recreation
PAIRING: Ron/Leslie
SPOILERS: Series
RATING: PG-13 (for some minor cursing)
SUMMARY: Five times Ron believes he might be a little bit married to Leslie.
*****
01. Ron Swanson does what he does and makes no apologies for it. He never lets anyone call him out on his bullshit. Subordinates, especially, unless they really are a glutton for punishment. Because a subordinate talking back to him? That does not fly.
The only people that have ever talked back to him, called him out on his bullshit, are his ex-wives, and they're both Grade-A bitches. Although now it seems there's a third... one that he's never been married to: Leslie Knope. What's worse is that she's a subordinate, and she calls him out on his shit.
They're at the Glitter Factory when she corners him. He doesn't see what the big deal is. Tom had gone on and on about how his relationship with Wendy had always been strictly platonic, how it meant nothing to him because it was just a simple green-card marriage, so... what's the harm in Ron asking Wendy out? Well the harm comes in the form of a thoroughly-pissed Leslie. She's standing over him now, looking like she wants to knock his breakfast plate off the table.
He really hopes she doesn't knock his breakfast plate off the table.
She berates him for what feels like an hour, but when he checks his watch afterward it's only been a minute or so. Then she makes him pick up a passed-out-drunk Tom and carry him back to his house.
Since she's a subordinate, he should be ready to punish her for calling him out. He does what he does and makes no apologies. But instead, what does he do? He apologizes.
Christ, it's like they're married or something.
**
02. Ron is the alpha dog. Nobody is able to, or allowed to, dispute this fact. It's just a fact. It's like saying that the sky is blue. Ron F*cking Swanson is the alpha dog, always.
Well... almost, always. The only women that are able to brow-beat him into submission are women he's currently, or has at one time been, married to. Which is exactly what perplexes him about Leslie. This woman has never worn an engagement ring he purchased, nor a wedding band he picked out; they've never gone on a date, seen each other naked or even half-naked. And yet she's somehow able to brow-beat him into submission. Whether it's by a quirk of her eyebrow, her mind-numbing enthusiasm or otherwise, she is somehow able to turn him into her whipping boy in the span of a second or two.
They're at the local high school, just about to head home after a public forum. She has just run into the last man she's dated -- the one that turned out to be not only married, but already cheating on his wife with another woman aside from Leslie. He'd heard about the breakup through Ann. So needless to say, Ron hates this guy, and makes sure he knows it when he tries to come up to talk to Leslie.
Ron takes a step in front of her, folds his arms across his chest, and stares the guy down in his purely alpha-dog way. "You've got a lotta nerve approaching Ms. Knope," he tells the guy.
"It's okay, Ron," Leslie speaks up softly from behind him, trying to nudge him out of the way.
He's stronger than her and holds his ground. "No, it's not okay."
"Look," the guy says, looking like a stupid cheating moron who Ron would be glad to punch in the throat. "I just came to apologize."
"Apologize? For what, for taking advantage of someone so sweet and naive, or for being a scumbag in general?"
"Ron, maybe you should go wait in the car." Leslie shoves him aside now, and he stumbles a bit, surprised by her sudden strength.
"No. No way." He unfolds his arms long enough to point at the guy, taking an aggressive step forward. "This guy's a cheater, and a scumbag." She's not going to get him to back down. "I'd like to punch him in the thr--"
"Ron? Car."
"--okay." He backs down.
So while he waits for Leslie in the car, Ron frowns to himself as he worries that, even without the rings, he may just be kinda married to Leslie. How else could she out-alpha-dog him?
**
03. Ron is an independent man through and through. He doesn't need someone around him all the time in order to feel whole, nor does he need a woman to do anything for him outside of the bedroom. He can take care of himself.
The only women he's ever allowed close enough to take care of him, in any capacity, were the Tammies. And that wasn't until they were married. Up until the wedding day, he had remained staunchly independent. Hell, sometimes even after the wedding and honeymoon had long been over, he was still just looking out for himself. Neither of the Tammies ever gave a damn about his feelings, anyway. Yet here's Leslie Knope, not a wife or even an ex, caring about his feelings and doing little things that shows how she cares for him when she doesn't have to. They have no obligation to each other.
Like tonight. Tonight they're all heading to a formal fundraiser after work so they can reach Leslie's goal of getting thirty-five thousand dollars to turn Lot 48 into a park. Everyone else has already headed down to the banquet room in their formal attire, some of them probably already with cocktails in-hand. And Ron's in his office, swearing to himself as he tries for the fifth time to fix his bowtie. He's never been particularly good at tying bowties. Windsor knots? Sure, he's an expert. But with bowties, he's always purchased the clip-ons.
Somehow, Leslie cow-towed him into buying a real one, insisting that nobody would give money to a department whose director couldn't even be bothered to wear a real bowtie. So here he stands, cursing the fact that with him, Leslie always wins and she doesn't even seem to notice.
"Ron!" Her voice startles him, and he turns to the doorway to see her all decked out in her formal wear (how has he never noticed her rack before? It's pretty decent. For a non-dark-haired woman that he's certainly not attracted to in the slightest). "You're not ready yet? We're late!"
He rolls his eyes at her and turns his attention back to the bowtie. "If someone would have let me just wear one of my clip-on bowties, I could've been down there twenty minutes ago."
Now it's Leslie rolling her eyes, and she sets her wrap and purse on his desk as she makes her way over to him. "For crying out loud. Even I know how to tie a bowtie. Here."
She slaps his hands away and goes to work, jabbering on and on about how important this night is to her and how they were supposed to be on time if they want even a chance at meeting their goal -- the donors probably won't be so generous if she shows up late, she seems to think, and after awhile he just kind of zones out, worrying again about how it's moments like these that make him feel downright married to this woman in front of him, and how he's never so much as kissed her or held her hand or anything.
Finally she finishes with the bowtie and as he fiddles with it and asks how he looks, she just sighs and shakes her head, grabbing his hand and dragging him out the door. Ron keeps his eyes on their clasped hands all the way to the elevator.
**
04. Through the years, Ron has trained himself to be impervious to a woman crying. He has done this by countless hours watching films such as 'Steel Magnolias' and 'Beaches,' among others. He forced himself into this type of training after years of being taken advantage of by his ex-wives, manipulating him through the use of their tears. But now, he's stronger. The sight of a woman crying does nothing to him.
Until tonight, when he walks into the office to grab his draft list he'd forgotten for fantasy football. Tom and Mark are going to be sorry they invited him to play this year. When he turns on the light in his office, he hears a gasp and looks up to find Leslie sitting on the bench against the wall. "Leslie?"
"Ron, sorry, I-I didn't know you'd be back. I'm not crying."
It should be said that Leslie Knope is one sorry-ass liar.
"You're crying," he just tells her. Finally she nods.
"Yeah. I'm crying."
He furrows his brows, thinking of 'Beaches' and 'Steel Magnolias' and that one scene from 'Terms of Endearment,' forcing himself to remain an impenetrable fortress. "Why are you sitting in my office in the dark, crying?"
Out comes some long, convuluted story that Ron doesn't completely understand, partly because she tells it in no particular order and partly because she's sobbing in such a way that her words all slur together, with only a few breaks in between for hiccups. Before he knows it, she's stopped cry-talking and has just dissolved into tears again. He finds himself walking over to her and sitting beside her on the bench, trying to piece together everything she's said.
It's something about a guy... a break-up maybe? And then gay penguins and the lot and he's still not entirely sure what's made her so sad. So, going against his better judgment, he reaches out and places a hand on her back. Which ends up being a terrible idea, because Leslie then just kind of curls into him and starts sobbing into his neck. So now Ron is stuck here, having thrown hours-worth of training down the drain at the sight of just a few tears from his deputy. He's left to think of all the times he gave in to the Tammies when they would cry, and how it ended up getting him nowhere except to the fourth floor divorce court with half of his money suddenly taken away.
What's worse is the fact that he can't stop thinking about how he just wants Leslie to be happy, how she has such a pretty smile when she's happy and he'd really like to see that smile again. He tries saying her name, he tries lifting her head out of the crook of his neck and wipes at the tears that just keep coming. She keeps babbling and he has no idea how to get her to shut up in order to tell her that he likes it when she smiles, so instead he just kind of... kisses her.
When he pulls back, he presses his lips together and wonders if she's going to chew him out or call him a misogynist or file a sexual harassment claim. So he just watches and waits for the shit to hit the fan.
Instead, Leslie wipes at the rest of her tears and says simply, "Ron, you kissed me."
He's not sure if it's a question or a statement, so he just nods. "Yeah."
"Why?"
He wants to tell her that that's a good question. Why did he kiss her? Maybe because he couldn't think of anything else to do. Maybe because out of every woman in his life, she's the only one that's consistently there, just always there, whether she's bitching out on him for something stupid he did or brow-beating him into doing what she wants or putting his feelings first like nobody else has ever done. Maybe because he kind of can't stand it when she's unhappy or is on the verge of getting into trouble and he feels this stupid need to just make sure she's happy and safe all the time, like she's his goddamn wife or something. Maybe because, even though he hates himself for it, he kind of really likes her a lot and it makes him feel like a 'good husband' when he can make her happy.
Finally he just shrugs, giving up. "I don't know. I guess... I wanted to make you smile."
It only takes a few seconds before his wish is granted -- she smiles.
**
05. Ron doesn't like to have the spotlight taken away from him. Whether it's toasting to a hunt, giving a speech at a banquet, or leading a meeting. He hates having the spotlight taken away from him. He got used to being shoved to the background when he was married to each of the Tammies; it's an unpleasant experience that he does not wish to repeat.
Tonight, he's allowing it, though. As much as he likes the spotlight, tonight is truly Leslie's night. This whole thing, this whole banquet is in her honor, after all. Not just a celebration of her promotion, but a recognition of her years of service to the Department of Parks and Recreation. So Ron can allow her to shine for tonight.
Besides, she's happy and smiling. So, Ron's happy by default. He'll let her call him out on his bullshit tonight, he'll let her be the alpha dog at this party; hell, if worse comes to worse and she somehow winds up crying, he'll allow himself to be easily swayed by her tears.
It doesn't worry him anymore. He's man enough to accept that a petite blonde has him wrapped around her finger. Why? Maybe because enough time has passed that he's gotten used to it. Maybe because, as she so kindly pointed out to him a couple years ago when left the department to join the Department of Public Safety, he doesn't always have to be such a stubborn ass.
Or maybe because she's wearing his ring on her finger. Diamonds set in gold, accompanied by a solid gold band to match his.
Whatever the reason, Ron just enjoys himself tonight, smiling every time he overhears her introducing herself as "Leslie Knope-Swanson," and then adding, "Have you met my husband Ron?" while grabbing his arm and effectively forcing him out of any conversation he's in the midst of.
He doesn't mind. He's Ron F*cking Swanson. And he's a damn good husband to his wife.
FIN
{x-posted to ronleslie and parksandrec}
FANDOM: Parks and Recreation
PAIRING: Ron/Leslie
SPOILERS: Series
RATING: PG-13 (for some minor cursing)
SUMMARY: Five times Ron believes he might be a little bit married to Leslie.
*****
01. Ron Swanson does what he does and makes no apologies for it. He never lets anyone call him out on his bullshit. Subordinates, especially, unless they really are a glutton for punishment. Because a subordinate talking back to him? That does not fly.
The only people that have ever talked back to him, called him out on his bullshit, are his ex-wives, and they're both Grade-A bitches. Although now it seems there's a third... one that he's never been married to: Leslie Knope. What's worse is that she's a subordinate, and she calls him out on his shit.
They're at the Glitter Factory when she corners him. He doesn't see what the big deal is. Tom had gone on and on about how his relationship with Wendy had always been strictly platonic, how it meant nothing to him because it was just a simple green-card marriage, so... what's the harm in Ron asking Wendy out? Well the harm comes in the form of a thoroughly-pissed Leslie. She's standing over him now, looking like she wants to knock his breakfast plate off the table.
He really hopes she doesn't knock his breakfast plate off the table.
She berates him for what feels like an hour, but when he checks his watch afterward it's only been a minute or so. Then she makes him pick up a passed-out-drunk Tom and carry him back to his house.
Since she's a subordinate, he should be ready to punish her for calling him out. He does what he does and makes no apologies. But instead, what does he do? He apologizes.
Christ, it's like they're married or something.
**
02. Ron is the alpha dog. Nobody is able to, or allowed to, dispute this fact. It's just a fact. It's like saying that the sky is blue. Ron F*cking Swanson is the alpha dog, always.
Well... almost, always. The only women that are able to brow-beat him into submission are women he's currently, or has at one time been, married to. Which is exactly what perplexes him about Leslie. This woman has never worn an engagement ring he purchased, nor a wedding band he picked out; they've never gone on a date, seen each other naked or even half-naked. And yet she's somehow able to brow-beat him into submission. Whether it's by a quirk of her eyebrow, her mind-numbing enthusiasm or otherwise, she is somehow able to turn him into her whipping boy in the span of a second or two.
They're at the local high school, just about to head home after a public forum. She has just run into the last man she's dated -- the one that turned out to be not only married, but already cheating on his wife with another woman aside from Leslie. He'd heard about the breakup through Ann. So needless to say, Ron hates this guy, and makes sure he knows it when he tries to come up to talk to Leslie.
Ron takes a step in front of her, folds his arms across his chest, and stares the guy down in his purely alpha-dog way. "You've got a lotta nerve approaching Ms. Knope," he tells the guy.
"It's okay, Ron," Leslie speaks up softly from behind him, trying to nudge him out of the way.
He's stronger than her and holds his ground. "No, it's not okay."
"Look," the guy says, looking like a stupid cheating moron who Ron would be glad to punch in the throat. "I just came to apologize."
"Apologize? For what, for taking advantage of someone so sweet and naive, or for being a scumbag in general?"
"Ron, maybe you should go wait in the car." Leslie shoves him aside now, and he stumbles a bit, surprised by her sudden strength.
"No. No way." He unfolds his arms long enough to point at the guy, taking an aggressive step forward. "This guy's a cheater, and a scumbag." She's not going to get him to back down. "I'd like to punch him in the thr--"
"Ron? Car."
"--okay." He backs down.
So while he waits for Leslie in the car, Ron frowns to himself as he worries that, even without the rings, he may just be kinda married to Leslie. How else could she out-alpha-dog him?
**
03. Ron is an independent man through and through. He doesn't need someone around him all the time in order to feel whole, nor does he need a woman to do anything for him outside of the bedroom. He can take care of himself.
The only women he's ever allowed close enough to take care of him, in any capacity, were the Tammies. And that wasn't until they were married. Up until the wedding day, he had remained staunchly independent. Hell, sometimes even after the wedding and honeymoon had long been over, he was still just looking out for himself. Neither of the Tammies ever gave a damn about his feelings, anyway. Yet here's Leslie Knope, not a wife or even an ex, caring about his feelings and doing little things that shows how she cares for him when she doesn't have to. They have no obligation to each other.
Like tonight. Tonight they're all heading to a formal fundraiser after work so they can reach Leslie's goal of getting thirty-five thousand dollars to turn Lot 48 into a park. Everyone else has already headed down to the banquet room in their formal attire, some of them probably already with cocktails in-hand. And Ron's in his office, swearing to himself as he tries for the fifth time to fix his bowtie. He's never been particularly good at tying bowties. Windsor knots? Sure, he's an expert. But with bowties, he's always purchased the clip-ons.
Somehow, Leslie cow-towed him into buying a real one, insisting that nobody would give money to a department whose director couldn't even be bothered to wear a real bowtie. So here he stands, cursing the fact that with him, Leslie always wins and she doesn't even seem to notice.
"Ron!" Her voice startles him, and he turns to the doorway to see her all decked out in her formal wear (how has he never noticed her rack before? It's pretty decent. For a non-dark-haired woman that he's certainly not attracted to in the slightest). "You're not ready yet? We're late!"
He rolls his eyes at her and turns his attention back to the bowtie. "If someone would have let me just wear one of my clip-on bowties, I could've been down there twenty minutes ago."
Now it's Leslie rolling her eyes, and she sets her wrap and purse on his desk as she makes her way over to him. "For crying out loud. Even I know how to tie a bowtie. Here."
She slaps his hands away and goes to work, jabbering on and on about how important this night is to her and how they were supposed to be on time if they want even a chance at meeting their goal -- the donors probably won't be so generous if she shows up late, she seems to think, and after awhile he just kind of zones out, worrying again about how it's moments like these that make him feel downright married to this woman in front of him, and how he's never so much as kissed her or held her hand or anything.
Finally she finishes with the bowtie and as he fiddles with it and asks how he looks, she just sighs and shakes her head, grabbing his hand and dragging him out the door. Ron keeps his eyes on their clasped hands all the way to the elevator.
**
04. Through the years, Ron has trained himself to be impervious to a woman crying. He has done this by countless hours watching films such as 'Steel Magnolias' and 'Beaches,' among others. He forced himself into this type of training after years of being taken advantage of by his ex-wives, manipulating him through the use of their tears. But now, he's stronger. The sight of a woman crying does nothing to him.
Until tonight, when he walks into the office to grab his draft list he'd forgotten for fantasy football. Tom and Mark are going to be sorry they invited him to play this year. When he turns on the light in his office, he hears a gasp and looks up to find Leslie sitting on the bench against the wall. "Leslie?"
"Ron, sorry, I-I didn't know you'd be back. I'm not crying."
It should be said that Leslie Knope is one sorry-ass liar.
"You're crying," he just tells her. Finally she nods.
"Yeah. I'm crying."
He furrows his brows, thinking of 'Beaches' and 'Steel Magnolias' and that one scene from 'Terms of Endearment,' forcing himself to remain an impenetrable fortress. "Why are you sitting in my office in the dark, crying?"
Out comes some long, convuluted story that Ron doesn't completely understand, partly because she tells it in no particular order and partly because she's sobbing in such a way that her words all slur together, with only a few breaks in between for hiccups. Before he knows it, she's stopped cry-talking and has just dissolved into tears again. He finds himself walking over to her and sitting beside her on the bench, trying to piece together everything she's said.
It's something about a guy... a break-up maybe? And then gay penguins and the lot and he's still not entirely sure what's made her so sad. So, going against his better judgment, he reaches out and places a hand on her back. Which ends up being a terrible idea, because Leslie then just kind of curls into him and starts sobbing into his neck. So now Ron is stuck here, having thrown hours-worth of training down the drain at the sight of just a few tears from his deputy. He's left to think of all the times he gave in to the Tammies when they would cry, and how it ended up getting him nowhere except to the fourth floor divorce court with half of his money suddenly taken away.
What's worse is the fact that he can't stop thinking about how he just wants Leslie to be happy, how she has such a pretty smile when she's happy and he'd really like to see that smile again. He tries saying her name, he tries lifting her head out of the crook of his neck and wipes at the tears that just keep coming. She keeps babbling and he has no idea how to get her to shut up in order to tell her that he likes it when she smiles, so instead he just kind of... kisses her.
When he pulls back, he presses his lips together and wonders if she's going to chew him out or call him a misogynist or file a sexual harassment claim. So he just watches and waits for the shit to hit the fan.
Instead, Leslie wipes at the rest of her tears and says simply, "Ron, you kissed me."
He's not sure if it's a question or a statement, so he just nods. "Yeah."
"Why?"
He wants to tell her that that's a good question. Why did he kiss her? Maybe because he couldn't think of anything else to do. Maybe because out of every woman in his life, she's the only one that's consistently there, just always there, whether she's bitching out on him for something stupid he did or brow-beating him into doing what she wants or putting his feelings first like nobody else has ever done. Maybe because he kind of can't stand it when she's unhappy or is on the verge of getting into trouble and he feels this stupid need to just make sure she's happy and safe all the time, like she's his goddamn wife or something. Maybe because, even though he hates himself for it, he kind of really likes her a lot and it makes him feel like a 'good husband' when he can make her happy.
Finally he just shrugs, giving up. "I don't know. I guess... I wanted to make you smile."
It only takes a few seconds before his wish is granted -- she smiles.
**
05. Ron doesn't like to have the spotlight taken away from him. Whether it's toasting to a hunt, giving a speech at a banquet, or leading a meeting. He hates having the spotlight taken away from him. He got used to being shoved to the background when he was married to each of the Tammies; it's an unpleasant experience that he does not wish to repeat.
Tonight, he's allowing it, though. As much as he likes the spotlight, tonight is truly Leslie's night. This whole thing, this whole banquet is in her honor, after all. Not just a celebration of her promotion, but a recognition of her years of service to the Department of Parks and Recreation. So Ron can allow her to shine for tonight.
Besides, she's happy and smiling. So, Ron's happy by default. He'll let her call him out on his bullshit tonight, he'll let her be the alpha dog at this party; hell, if worse comes to worse and she somehow winds up crying, he'll allow himself to be easily swayed by her tears.
It doesn't worry him anymore. He's man enough to accept that a petite blonde has him wrapped around her finger. Why? Maybe because enough time has passed that he's gotten used to it. Maybe because, as she so kindly pointed out to him a couple years ago when left the department to join the Department of Public Safety, he doesn't always have to be such a stubborn ass.
Or maybe because she's wearing his ring on her finger. Diamonds set in gold, accompanied by a solid gold band to match his.
Whatever the reason, Ron just enjoys himself tonight, smiling every time he overhears her introducing herself as "Leslie Knope-Swanson," and then adding, "Have you met my husband Ron?" while grabbing his arm and effectively forcing him out of any conversation he's in the midst of.
He doesn't mind. He's Ron F*cking Swanson. And he's a damn good husband to his wife.
FIN
{x-posted to ronleslie and parksandrec}