All the Same [The OC; Ryan/Kirsten]
TITLE: All the Same
FANDOM: The OC
PAIRING: Ryan/Kirsten
SPOILERS: Through late season three, AU
RATING: R for language
SUMMARY:
*****
Ryan lit a cigarette and stared out at the rain from his vantagepoint on his porch. His porch, at his house of three years. The summer after graduation, after everything changed. Marissa jetted off to work on a boat in Greece with her father; Summer morphed into an east-coast coed and Seth followed after her, and Ryan moved out. He had to. He had no other choice. He hadn't exactly been thrown out, but he hadn't been left with any other option but to leave. Especially after everyone found out his secret. Well... their secret.
In the beginning, it had been absolutely nothing. Chemistry at the most. Maybe a few sparks here and there. When he left that first summer, something shifted between them and Ryan felt himself slip just a bit. Especially during that first goodbye. But he had a duty to fulfill, so he'd gone back to Chino. When things fell through there and he returned, the dynamic between them had almost gone back to normal. They could read each other a lot easier than anybody else. They understood each other, and there was a mutual attraction there laced with a mutual respect that prevented them from crossing the line. Even when things got intense -- when the whole Lindsay debacle occurred and his reason for choosing her became basically undeniable.
Nothing happened until the third year. A fight Ryan witnessed between her and Sandy soon spiralled into a fight between the two of them once Sandy had stormed out. He couldn't even remember what it was about anymore. But then again, it didn't necessarily matter. The fight was the catalyst, and then everything exploded. They'd been in the living room, Ryan remembered that much; screaming at each other about absolutely nothing. Everything had gotten suddenly quiet, and then one of them (he was almost certain it had been Kirsten) charged. Before he knew it, his hands were tangled in her hair, he had her pinned against the wall, and her legs had found a home around his waist.
And that first time had been intense -- almost frighteningly so -- and passionate. When he used to fantasize about being with Kirsten for the first time, it almost never took place against the wall by the fireplace. And none of his fantasies could have prepared him for the reality of that first time -- seeing Kirsten's eyes clouded, feeling her clawing at his shoulders, tasting her breath... hearing her call his name as she climaxed. He fell for her, so hard, in that instant, he knew he could never go back. He could never look at her again and see her as Seth's mom. As Sandy's wife. She was Kirsten, and he was in love with her.
From that moment, Kirsten dictated the parameters of their relationship. She even made sure to tell him on more than one occasion that there was no relationship. And he couldn't even count anymore how many times she'd called it off -- told him she was leaving this behind for good to make things right with Sandy. But then, Sandy would go and do something to spark her ire or start a fight and she'd be right back in Ryan's arms... in his bed.
Kirsten had hurt him; she'd toyed with him and led him on and by the time graduation started to roll around, Ryan had gotten tired of it. He still remembered the night it had all come crashing down around them three years ago.
*****
"Kirsten, stop. Stop it." He gently pushed her away though his lips still tingled for another touch from hers.
Her blink was innocent, guileless. She really had no idea she was putting him through the wringer. "What?"
He took a step back and moved away, his punching bag between them now. "You can't keep doing this to me."
Her brows furrowed; no idea. "Doing what?"
Ryan chuckled without mirth and spun around quickly, fanning his arms out in a wide gesture. "This! All of this." His voice raised a little bit with each word out of his mouth. "You kiss me, you sleep with me, you make me think you're in love with me and just when I start to like the way things are going, you call it off! You run back to Sandy even though you and I both know that that's pretty much hit a dead end."
"How dare you--"
"That's why you keep coming right back! You come back as though you haven't torn my heart out each time you've said the words 'it's over.' You come back like I'll just open up my arms and take you. And I do, every goddamn time and I'm tired of it! It's all the same. I take you for who you are and get nothing in return."
"Well what the hell do you expect, Ryan?" Her voice raised to match his. "You can't stand there and tell me you were thinking this whole thing," she gestured between them almost violently, accidentally hitting the punching bag and sending it swinging, "would have a happy ending! You're not stupid."
"And neither are you! So you can't stand there and tell me you wouldn't think all of this fucking back and forth bullshit wouldn't affect me, that I could just let it slide!" Tears came to his eyes, not of sadness but of anger. "Jesus Christ, Kirsten," he jabbed himself in the chest harshly, glaring through his tears, "I'm in love with you! And you're just playing around with my head! This whole time I've been falling for you has been just one giant mindfuck! It has to stop right now!"
"Fine, then it's over!"
He chuffed. "Right, I've heard that before. Another fight with Sandy and you're gonna come right back to me, wanting me to fix your broken heart yet again! It's not gonna happen, Kirsten!" Seeing the tears spring to her eyes, he softened his voice. "I can't do it anymore. I can't keep living for the moment you come running back, needing me. It hurts too much every time you say you'll leave again."
"Ryan, you know that I love--"
"I know." He held up his hand to keep her from completing the heart-wrenching declaration. "I know. And you know how I feel. But this needs to end. Right now. For good."
Kirsten nodded, tears slipping down her cheeks and Ryan wanted more than anything to sweep her into his arms and take back everything. But he couldn't. For the sake of his heart and his sanity, he had to stand there and watch her silently cry.
It was when they both turned toward the door that they noticed they had an audience -- namely Sandy and Seth, who'd heard every word. And everything came crashing down.
*****
The ringing of his phone coming from inside the house jarred Ryan from his thoughts. He looked through the window at it for a moment before going back to his cigarette. In that moment, nothing was as important to him as that cigarette.
He heard his message machine come on, instructing the caller to leave a message after a beep. Then the tell-tale beep sounded and he heard a voice he hadn't heard in almost three years. "Hey, it's Seth."
Ryan sighed, smoke flowing from his mouth and his nostrils with the action. He turned to glance at the message machine through the window.
"Look, I'm not calling to say that I forgive you or anything, because I don't. I'll never be cool with what you did, no matter how much time goes by. But I thought you should know what's been going on. Summer and I are engaged, we're getting married in three months. I can't say for sure whether we're gonna invite you or not. I mean, Summer says we should and so does Marissa, but... after everything, I just don't know that I'd be okay with that. Y'know? And I'm sorry, but... well. We might as well not go over this whole thing again. But me and Summer is not the reason I called."
Ryan huffed out another puff of smoke. Summer sure as hell seemed to be the topic for ninety percent of their conversations forever ago, so why would now be any different?
"I'm calling to tell you that my parents got a divorce. It was finalized last week. And, I thought you'd want to know. My dad's moving out here -- not to Rhode Island but to the east coast. I think he wants to teach law or something. And mom's still in Newport. So, that's it. That's all I had to say." The call disconnected, and Ryan was left to stare at his answering machine and at the blinking light, his heart thudding in his ears.
Kirsten and Sandy. Divorce. Kirsten was single. Never in a million years did he ever think that would happen. Seth and Summer getting hitched, sure. He'd seen that coming a mile away. And not because he'd known it would happen eventually, but because over the three years he'd been gone, he had kept in contact with one person from Newport -- the last person he ever thought he'd stay in touch with.
*****
On the anniversary of his first year in his new home, Ryan had already been planning a remodel of the kitchen. Since he'd moved in, he'd been wanting to tear up the ugly avocado tile and lay down something nicer, more contemporary. The last thing he'd been expecting was that phone call.
He didn't recognize the number at first, so he picked it up. Right away, he heard a somewhat familiar, but unrecognizable, female voice. "Ryan, hi! Look, I know this is weird for me to call you out of the blue, and I'm sure I'm the last person you'd expect to hear from, but I've got some news that you'll want to hear."
He made a face. "Who is this?"
"Oh!" the woman chuckled on the other end. "I'm sorry, this is Julie."
"Julie." He was certain his eyebrows had never gone so high. "Well, this is... surprising."
"I know. I know. Like I said, I'm probably the last person you'd expect to hear from."
"Yeah, no kidding."
"And I know we've had our moments, but... you meant a lot to Marissa. Still do. And I probably owe you my life for how many times you've saved my daughter's."
Ryan just barely cracked a smile at that. "What can I do for you, Julie?"
"Well I know you haven't really been in touch with anyone from Newport, but I thought I should keep you in the loop as far as what's going on around here. Um, gosh... where do I start? Jimmy and Marissa came back from the Greek isles; they had a great time. Jimmy and I are giving it another shot, hoping it sticks this time."
"Well congratulations."
"Thanks! And Marissa's getting married."
"She is?"
"Yeah, to this guy named David she met on the ship. And he's great, they're really good together. He levels her out, which is good. She's been needing someone like that."
"Yeah she has." Understatement of the century, he'd thought.
"I'm sorry if that's weird for you to hear. I just thought, since you and Marissa were friends--"
"It's fine, Julie. I think it's great. Marissa and I never would've worked, so it's good that she found someone she clicks with."
"Yeah. Yeah. And, uh... she wanted me to get your new address so she could invite you to the wedding."
"Oh. Uh... I don't... really go to weddings. Tell her thanks, but that's not the place for me."
"Okay, yeah, no problem." Julie was silent for a moment, and Ryan got the distinct impression she had more to say.
"Was... that the only reason you called, Julie?"
"No. I just... have no idea how to broach the subject of what we probably shouldn't be talking about."
"So you heard."
"Yeah, like ten minutes after you moved out pretty much. Doesn't take long for news to spread around here."
"No kidding." He knew all too well that Newport had quite the gossip train and just how speedy it was. "And you're calling after a year... why?"
"Just... making sure you're okay."
He made a face. Julie was hardly the type to be concerned for his welfare, let alone anyone else's but her own family. "Really."
"Let's just say that, uh... some people... haven't been doing so great without you."
His heart dropped. "Oh?"
"Yeah. And I probably shouldn't be telling you that, but I felt it was my duty. Because of my friendship with Kirsten. Everyone's abandoned her, Ryan. Except for me, all of her friends have... and Seth... and I don't know that her and Sandy are speaking much anymore."
Ryan just remained silent, unsure of how to respond.
"I thought she was a wreck the first time you left, Ryan, but wow. I've never seen her like this before."
"Well, I don't know what to say, Julie, except... it was for the best."
"Was it?"
Ryan sighed.
"Alright, fine. I just... wanted you to know that you're missed here in Newport. And I know that we had our rough patch in the beginning, but I'd like to keep in touch with you if that's alright. You mean a lot to a lot of people here, and it'd be a shame if you just vanished into thin air."
"Alright."
"Great. So, good luck with everything Ryan. I'll let Marissa know you send your regards. And I'll keep in touch. Bye."
*****
And Julie had kept in touch, calling once every six months or so to update him on everything and to check up on him. And Ryan hated to admit it, but sometimes he enjoyed talking with Julie. She'd changed a lot over the years and had mellowed out to the point of finally being bearable. At least Julie seemed to genuinely care for him, enough to keep in contact with him. That had become evident in the way she would say goodbye. It started as simply, 'Good luck with everything, Ryan.' From there, it had next become, 'Take care, Ryan' and then 'Take care of yourself, kiddo.' Eventually, it evolved into, 'Please take care of yourself, sweetie.'
And so in three years he heard from her maybe four or five times after that first call. She always updated him on Marissa first -- she'd gotten married around Christmastime after that first phone call and was doing great; had gotten pregnant not even a year afterward. He knew about Seth's engagement to Summer about six months prior to tonight when Seth finally told him, and he had known that Kirsten and Sandy had been separated for awhile; but since Julie hadn't said anything more about it since her last phone call, Ryan had just assumed they had reconciled. He didn't dare dream they'd ever get divorced.
Not that things would change now. He still had no plans of calling Kirsten, and it was evident that she was never going to call him. Julie had gotten his number from her and in three years he had never once heard from her, so why would that change now?
He got up and headed for his liquor cabinet... if it could even be called that. An entire cupboard empty but for one bottle of vodka, which he'd purchased on his twenty-first birthday but had never opened. He broke the seal and then grabbed a tumbler, filling it with ice before he poured himself a full glass of the clear liquid. Setting the bottle down, he stared into the glass and remembered all those nights during that second year with the Cohens, coming home to find Kirsten sipping away at the exact same drink; and how, at the time, he'd thought it was ice water.
Ryan was about to take a sip of that very same drink when his doorbell rang. "Just a minute!" he yelled toward the door, and screwed the cap back on his bottle of vodka before stashing it in the cupboard again. As he headed for the door, his heart started thudding in his ears again, as if his heart already knew who was on the other side of that door. He pulled it open and instantly damned his heart for being two steps ahead of him at all times. "Kirsten."
Kirsten herself, in the flesh, stood on his porch with her hair dampened from the rain, plastering on a smile. "Ryan."
He just stared, unable to think of anything to say. Starting with 'hi' at this point just seemed highly inadequate.
Kirsten's lips twitched and he knew she was reading his mind; she'd always been able to. "I know it's unbelievably weird for me to show up here after three years, but... do you think I could come in?"
Instinctively, Ryan stepped aside and allowed her to enter, watching her lock her car with the remote before coming inside. The light jacket she wore was damp from the rain and she shivered as soon as she stepped into his air conditioned house. "I don't remember the last time it's rained like this here," she chuckled uneasily.
Ryan just barely quirked a smile in return and held his hands out in a silent request for her jacket. She gave it to him and he hung it over the back of a nearby chair, watching as she toed off her shoes next and left them on the mat by the door. Then, she took a look around. "Wow, what a great place. You've been here three years?"
"Pretty much, yeah." And he had to fight to remember the last time he invited a woman inside like this. It had been at least a year, if not more, since his last fling. A thin blonde. All of his conquests since Kirsten had ended up being slender blondes.
"I like it. You've done a nice job with it."
While Kirsten was looking around, Ryan had gone back into the kitchen for his tumbler of vodka on ice. "Can I get you a drink?" he offered reflexively, keeping his voice as distant as possible though his heart was aching at the sight of her.
"Oh, I'll have whatever you're having," she replied absently, looking at his window treatments.
"Well, I'm having vodka on ice. If you're still clean I could get you a water or a soda or something."
"Water would be great, thanks," she smiled at him, and he could tell the smile was strained.
He brought her a bottle of water and gestured for her to take a seat on the couch. She did so while he remained standing, looking at the light on his message machine, still blinking from when Seth had called. He went over and erased it while Kirsten watched him.
"You don't listen to your messages?" she asked curiously, her brows furrowing.
"I heard it," he replied curtly.
"Oh." Awkward silence fell as she took a sip of her water. "So, how've you been?"
"What are you doing here, Kirsten?" No sense beating around the bush with mindless small talk. They'd never been the types to engage in small talk anyway. Not with each other. They knew each other too well.
The hurt was evident in her tone. "I wanted to see you."
"After three years?"
"Yes." She sighed and watched as he started to pace back and forth in the living room. "Look, Ryan, I thought you should know that--"
The phone ringing interrupted her confession, and they both looked at the machine as it picked up right away with his standard greeting, and the beep. And then out came Julie's voice.
"Ryan, hi, sweetie, it's Julie. You must not be home. That's a shame, I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you before anything happened. Um, first of all, Marissa says hi and she'd love it if you'd come out to see the baby. She's been waiting to introduce you to both him and David, so... I think you should give her a call. Or, come back. Whatever."
A voice could soon be heard in the background: "Ryan, don't come back, ever! It's a shithole here now!" before Julie could be heard admonishing her.
"What did I tell you about using that kind of language? Not until you're eighteen, now get outta here." The smile came back to her tone as she informed him, "Sorry, that was Kaitlin. As always, she sends her love."
Ryan fought not to smile at that while Kirsten looked completely shocked that Julie was even calling him in the first place.
"I guess I should jump right to the point before the machine cuts me off, um... Kirsten and Sandy are splitting up. For good. Or they have, rather. And, I'm kinda worried about her. I know it's been three years since the last time you guys talked, and I know things didn't end very well but... I think she really needs to see you right now. And I bet there's a part of you somewhere deep down that really wants to see her too. So, if she calls, just... hear her out. I don't know where she is right now, I just tried calling her actually and she's not answering her cell, but... just... if you hear from her, hear her out. I just want her to be happy again, Ryan, y'know? She deserves it. She said she'd been happy with you."
Ryan looked up at Kirsten while she looked away, tearing the label off her bottle of water as Julie concluded her message. "I hope everything's okay with you, sweetie, and that you get in touch with either me or Marissa soon. Please take care of yourself, okay? Okay, bye." The call and the machine disconnected, and the house was shrouded in deafening silence.
Ryan glanced from the blinking light, over to Kirsten, who was still staring at her bottle of water -- almost accusingly, he noted. She ripped a little more of the label off and exhaled a nervous smile. "So, I guess my secret's out. Julie beat me to it."
Ryan hit the 'erase' button on the machine, obliterating Julie's lengthy message. "Seth did, actually. That was the message I erased a few minutes ago."
"Ah." She crumpled the part of the label she'd already torn off and set it on the couch next to her before she looked up at him again. "How long have you been in contact with her?"
He took a drink of his vodka and ignored the sting as it slid down his throat. "Two years. Actually, she's been in contact with me."
"Ah." It seemed that was all Kirsten was capable of responding with.
"So you and Sandy?"
"Done. Divorced. He's already living in Boston, looking for a job at one of the universities. And I kept the house, I'm staying in Newport."
"Ah." Damn him, he's already picked up Kirsten's mode of response after being around her for just a matter of minutes. "At least you guys tried, right?"
"No."
"No what?"
Kirsten laughed mirthlessly and swirled her water bottle in front of her, watching the water move. "We didn't try."
"Why not?"
"We knew how it was going to end. After twenty years and twenty thousand fights with someone, there comes a point where you just... stop trying. We reached that point after you left." Quieter, she added, "That, and I couldn't get over you."
His eyebrows raised at that. "Excuse me?"
Kirsten looked up at him and set the bottle of water aside, all of her attention on him. Her eyes held several emotions within the green-blue depths, trepidation, regret, and affection being just a few. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get over you?" She made a noise, like a tire leaking air -- a small 'pssh' as she added, "I'm still not over you."
Trying not to let her words affect him too much, Ryan shrugged. "I guess I never got the impression that you were... under me." He made a face at himself for his choice of words, but Kirsten took no notice.
"You had no idea that I was in love with you?"
"No, because you kept dropping me and then running back. I guess I figured if you'd been in love with me, there wouldn't have been any back and forth. I was in love with you, after all, and I was ready to give you everything. To give up everything for you."
"I know. That's why there was the back and forth. I guess I just... didn't know what to do about my feelings for you. There was so much to lose."
He held her gaze. "And so much to gain."
She nodded. "I know. At that time, though, I just... couldn't make that sacrifice for you. And I'm sorry. You deserve much better than the way I treated you."
Ryan just swallowed another mouthful of vodka and wished for something stronger. "So I suppose you're here to ask me to take you back."
"No. No, I'm not."
He wished his heart hadn't dropped when she said that. "You're not."
"No. I know the way I treated you was unforgivable, and that you could easily find someone ten times better for you than I am. I guess I just came because... I wanted to see you. And I wanted to apologize."
Ryan just stared, his heart and his head and his body threatening to yank him in about fifty different directions at once. And his world was already starting to tilt just slightly from the vodka. He blinked away the blurriness. "Oh."
He wasn't sure what he expected. Part of him wanted Kirsten to drop to her knees and beg him to take her back; part of him wanted him to drop to his knees and beg her to take him back; then the other part of him wanted to let her go. He just wasn't sure which part would win.
Kirsten took his silence as a cue. "Well, I guess I should go. I said what I wanted to say, so... now I should let you go about the rest of your night and uh... leave." She glanced down at the now-empty bottle of water she was holding, and the crumpled up label in her other hand. "Uh, where's your trash?"
Ryan pointed her toward the kitchen and watched her throw it away before she moved to the chair her jacket was draped over. Silence reigned between them as she pulled her jacket on and zipped it up. flipping her long hair out from under the collar. "I'm glad I got to see you again, Ryan. I hope you take care of yourself."
And Ryan was still cemented in place, trying to decipher which direction his heart, brain and body were pulling him in.
Kirsten took a breath and exhaled a soft, "Goodbye," before turning for the door.
His heart, brain, and body led the way then and he sprung into action, lunging forward and grabbing her elbow. "Kirsten, wait!"
His hand on her elbow gently turned her around; when their eyes met he noted there were tears in hers. She obviously hadn't expected he would just let her leave. Ryan searched her eyes and wondered what the hell he could say or do to close the gaping chasm between them. Finally, he found his voice. "I never got over you, either."
"What?" she whispered, swiping at the tear slipping down her cheek almost angrily.
Ryan took over the task for her, his stomach somersaulting at the realization that her skin was just as soft as it had been when he last touched her. His mouth went on without his brain's consent. "I'm still in love with you, too. Probably always will be, unfortunately."
That did it. That closed the gap. Kirsten moved into his arms almost reflexively at that point, twining hers around his neck. Ryan closed his eyes, much like the first time she had really truly embraced him, before he wound his arms around her waist in turn. Kirsten cried silently while Ryan held her tight, burying his face in her neck. She still smelled exactly the same; felt exactly the same. It was as if no time had passed since they had last been together.
Ryan pulled back when he felt Kirsten kiss his earlobe and he palmed her face with both hands, thumbs stroking her cheeks as their foreheads connected, her hands gripping his waist. He wiped away the rest of her tears as they just stood together, breathing together. He leaned in for a kiss and wound up taking all her breath. His hands stole up her back and he felt her shiver in response; she pulled away but refused to move her forehead from his as she met his eyes and asked timidly, "Can I stay?"
Ryan took a much-needed breath, his heart thudding in his ears once again as he pondered what answer he could give. If he let her in, there was a good chance she could get scared and leave again.
And bless her, Kirsten as always read his thoughts and answered them aloud. "I'm done running, I'm done with the back and forth. I need stability now." She slid her hands up his chest as she leaned her forehead more firmly against his, the sides of their noses touching now. "Only you can give that to me."
That was all he needed to hear. So he kissed her softly once more and told her, "You can stay."
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
FIN
Click HERE to download the song that inspired this fic: All the Same by Sick Puppies (which will soon be ending up on a new Rysten mix - stay tuned!).
{x-posted to rystenlove}
FANDOM: The OC
PAIRING: Ryan/Kirsten
SPOILERS: Through late season three, AU
RATING: R for language
SUMMARY:
*****
Ryan lit a cigarette and stared out at the rain from his vantagepoint on his porch. His porch, at his house of three years. The summer after graduation, after everything changed. Marissa jetted off to work on a boat in Greece with her father; Summer morphed into an east-coast coed and Seth followed after her, and Ryan moved out. He had to. He had no other choice. He hadn't exactly been thrown out, but he hadn't been left with any other option but to leave. Especially after everyone found out his secret. Well... their secret.
In the beginning, it had been absolutely nothing. Chemistry at the most. Maybe a few sparks here and there. When he left that first summer, something shifted between them and Ryan felt himself slip just a bit. Especially during that first goodbye. But he had a duty to fulfill, so he'd gone back to Chino. When things fell through there and he returned, the dynamic between them had almost gone back to normal. They could read each other a lot easier than anybody else. They understood each other, and there was a mutual attraction there laced with a mutual respect that prevented them from crossing the line. Even when things got intense -- when the whole Lindsay debacle occurred and his reason for choosing her became basically undeniable.
Nothing happened until the third year. A fight Ryan witnessed between her and Sandy soon spiralled into a fight between the two of them once Sandy had stormed out. He couldn't even remember what it was about anymore. But then again, it didn't necessarily matter. The fight was the catalyst, and then everything exploded. They'd been in the living room, Ryan remembered that much; screaming at each other about absolutely nothing. Everything had gotten suddenly quiet, and then one of them (he was almost certain it had been Kirsten) charged. Before he knew it, his hands were tangled in her hair, he had her pinned against the wall, and her legs had found a home around his waist.
And that first time had been intense -- almost frighteningly so -- and passionate. When he used to fantasize about being with Kirsten for the first time, it almost never took place against the wall by the fireplace. And none of his fantasies could have prepared him for the reality of that first time -- seeing Kirsten's eyes clouded, feeling her clawing at his shoulders, tasting her breath... hearing her call his name as she climaxed. He fell for her, so hard, in that instant, he knew he could never go back. He could never look at her again and see her as Seth's mom. As Sandy's wife. She was Kirsten, and he was in love with her.
From that moment, Kirsten dictated the parameters of their relationship. She even made sure to tell him on more than one occasion that there was no relationship. And he couldn't even count anymore how many times she'd called it off -- told him she was leaving this behind for good to make things right with Sandy. But then, Sandy would go and do something to spark her ire or start a fight and she'd be right back in Ryan's arms... in his bed.
Kirsten had hurt him; she'd toyed with him and led him on and by the time graduation started to roll around, Ryan had gotten tired of it. He still remembered the night it had all come crashing down around them three years ago.
*****
"Kirsten, stop. Stop it." He gently pushed her away though his lips still tingled for another touch from hers.
Her blink was innocent, guileless. She really had no idea she was putting him through the wringer. "What?"
He took a step back and moved away, his punching bag between them now. "You can't keep doing this to me."
Her brows furrowed; no idea. "Doing what?"
Ryan chuckled without mirth and spun around quickly, fanning his arms out in a wide gesture. "This! All of this." His voice raised a little bit with each word out of his mouth. "You kiss me, you sleep with me, you make me think you're in love with me and just when I start to like the way things are going, you call it off! You run back to Sandy even though you and I both know that that's pretty much hit a dead end."
"How dare you--"
"That's why you keep coming right back! You come back as though you haven't torn my heart out each time you've said the words 'it's over.' You come back like I'll just open up my arms and take you. And I do, every goddamn time and I'm tired of it! It's all the same. I take you for who you are and get nothing in return."
"Well what the hell do you expect, Ryan?" Her voice raised to match his. "You can't stand there and tell me you were thinking this whole thing," she gestured between them almost violently, accidentally hitting the punching bag and sending it swinging, "would have a happy ending! You're not stupid."
"And neither are you! So you can't stand there and tell me you wouldn't think all of this fucking back and forth bullshit wouldn't affect me, that I could just let it slide!" Tears came to his eyes, not of sadness but of anger. "Jesus Christ, Kirsten," he jabbed himself in the chest harshly, glaring through his tears, "I'm in love with you! And you're just playing around with my head! This whole time I've been falling for you has been just one giant mindfuck! It has to stop right now!"
"Fine, then it's over!"
He chuffed. "Right, I've heard that before. Another fight with Sandy and you're gonna come right back to me, wanting me to fix your broken heart yet again! It's not gonna happen, Kirsten!" Seeing the tears spring to her eyes, he softened his voice. "I can't do it anymore. I can't keep living for the moment you come running back, needing me. It hurts too much every time you say you'll leave again."
"Ryan, you know that I love--"
"I know." He held up his hand to keep her from completing the heart-wrenching declaration. "I know. And you know how I feel. But this needs to end. Right now. For good."
Kirsten nodded, tears slipping down her cheeks and Ryan wanted more than anything to sweep her into his arms and take back everything. But he couldn't. For the sake of his heart and his sanity, he had to stand there and watch her silently cry.
It was when they both turned toward the door that they noticed they had an audience -- namely Sandy and Seth, who'd heard every word. And everything came crashing down.
*****
The ringing of his phone coming from inside the house jarred Ryan from his thoughts. He looked through the window at it for a moment before going back to his cigarette. In that moment, nothing was as important to him as that cigarette.
He heard his message machine come on, instructing the caller to leave a message after a beep. Then the tell-tale beep sounded and he heard a voice he hadn't heard in almost three years. "Hey, it's Seth."
Ryan sighed, smoke flowing from his mouth and his nostrils with the action. He turned to glance at the message machine through the window.
"Look, I'm not calling to say that I forgive you or anything, because I don't. I'll never be cool with what you did, no matter how much time goes by. But I thought you should know what's been going on. Summer and I are engaged, we're getting married in three months. I can't say for sure whether we're gonna invite you or not. I mean, Summer says we should and so does Marissa, but... after everything, I just don't know that I'd be okay with that. Y'know? And I'm sorry, but... well. We might as well not go over this whole thing again. But me and Summer is not the reason I called."
Ryan huffed out another puff of smoke. Summer sure as hell seemed to be the topic for ninety percent of their conversations forever ago, so why would now be any different?
"I'm calling to tell you that my parents got a divorce. It was finalized last week. And, I thought you'd want to know. My dad's moving out here -- not to Rhode Island but to the east coast. I think he wants to teach law or something. And mom's still in Newport. So, that's it. That's all I had to say." The call disconnected, and Ryan was left to stare at his answering machine and at the blinking light, his heart thudding in his ears.
Kirsten and Sandy. Divorce. Kirsten was single. Never in a million years did he ever think that would happen. Seth and Summer getting hitched, sure. He'd seen that coming a mile away. And not because he'd known it would happen eventually, but because over the three years he'd been gone, he had kept in contact with one person from Newport -- the last person he ever thought he'd stay in touch with.
*****
On the anniversary of his first year in his new home, Ryan had already been planning a remodel of the kitchen. Since he'd moved in, he'd been wanting to tear up the ugly avocado tile and lay down something nicer, more contemporary. The last thing he'd been expecting was that phone call.
He didn't recognize the number at first, so he picked it up. Right away, he heard a somewhat familiar, but unrecognizable, female voice. "Ryan, hi! Look, I know this is weird for me to call you out of the blue, and I'm sure I'm the last person you'd expect to hear from, but I've got some news that you'll want to hear."
He made a face. "Who is this?"
"Oh!" the woman chuckled on the other end. "I'm sorry, this is Julie."
"Julie." He was certain his eyebrows had never gone so high. "Well, this is... surprising."
"I know. I know. Like I said, I'm probably the last person you'd expect to hear from."
"Yeah, no kidding."
"And I know we've had our moments, but... you meant a lot to Marissa. Still do. And I probably owe you my life for how many times you've saved my daughter's."
Ryan just barely cracked a smile at that. "What can I do for you, Julie?"
"Well I know you haven't really been in touch with anyone from Newport, but I thought I should keep you in the loop as far as what's going on around here. Um, gosh... where do I start? Jimmy and Marissa came back from the Greek isles; they had a great time. Jimmy and I are giving it another shot, hoping it sticks this time."
"Well congratulations."
"Thanks! And Marissa's getting married."
"She is?"
"Yeah, to this guy named David she met on the ship. And he's great, they're really good together. He levels her out, which is good. She's been needing someone like that."
"Yeah she has." Understatement of the century, he'd thought.
"I'm sorry if that's weird for you to hear. I just thought, since you and Marissa were friends--"
"It's fine, Julie. I think it's great. Marissa and I never would've worked, so it's good that she found someone she clicks with."
"Yeah. Yeah. And, uh... she wanted me to get your new address so she could invite you to the wedding."
"Oh. Uh... I don't... really go to weddings. Tell her thanks, but that's not the place for me."
"Okay, yeah, no problem." Julie was silent for a moment, and Ryan got the distinct impression she had more to say.
"Was... that the only reason you called, Julie?"
"No. I just... have no idea how to broach the subject of what we probably shouldn't be talking about."
"So you heard."
"Yeah, like ten minutes after you moved out pretty much. Doesn't take long for news to spread around here."
"No kidding." He knew all too well that Newport had quite the gossip train and just how speedy it was. "And you're calling after a year... why?"
"Just... making sure you're okay."
He made a face. Julie was hardly the type to be concerned for his welfare, let alone anyone else's but her own family. "Really."
"Let's just say that, uh... some people... haven't been doing so great without you."
His heart dropped. "Oh?"
"Yeah. And I probably shouldn't be telling you that, but I felt it was my duty. Because of my friendship with Kirsten. Everyone's abandoned her, Ryan. Except for me, all of her friends have... and Seth... and I don't know that her and Sandy are speaking much anymore."
Ryan just remained silent, unsure of how to respond.
"I thought she was a wreck the first time you left, Ryan, but wow. I've never seen her like this before."
"Well, I don't know what to say, Julie, except... it was for the best."
"Was it?"
Ryan sighed.
"Alright, fine. I just... wanted you to know that you're missed here in Newport. And I know that we had our rough patch in the beginning, but I'd like to keep in touch with you if that's alright. You mean a lot to a lot of people here, and it'd be a shame if you just vanished into thin air."
"Alright."
"Great. So, good luck with everything Ryan. I'll let Marissa know you send your regards. And I'll keep in touch. Bye."
*****
And Julie had kept in touch, calling once every six months or so to update him on everything and to check up on him. And Ryan hated to admit it, but sometimes he enjoyed talking with Julie. She'd changed a lot over the years and had mellowed out to the point of finally being bearable. At least Julie seemed to genuinely care for him, enough to keep in contact with him. That had become evident in the way she would say goodbye. It started as simply, 'Good luck with everything, Ryan.' From there, it had next become, 'Take care, Ryan' and then 'Take care of yourself, kiddo.' Eventually, it evolved into, 'Please take care of yourself, sweetie.'
And so in three years he heard from her maybe four or five times after that first call. She always updated him on Marissa first -- she'd gotten married around Christmastime after that first phone call and was doing great; had gotten pregnant not even a year afterward. He knew about Seth's engagement to Summer about six months prior to tonight when Seth finally told him, and he had known that Kirsten and Sandy had been separated for awhile; but since Julie hadn't said anything more about it since her last phone call, Ryan had just assumed they had reconciled. He didn't dare dream they'd ever get divorced.
Not that things would change now. He still had no plans of calling Kirsten, and it was evident that she was never going to call him. Julie had gotten his number from her and in three years he had never once heard from her, so why would that change now?
He got up and headed for his liquor cabinet... if it could even be called that. An entire cupboard empty but for one bottle of vodka, which he'd purchased on his twenty-first birthday but had never opened. He broke the seal and then grabbed a tumbler, filling it with ice before he poured himself a full glass of the clear liquid. Setting the bottle down, he stared into the glass and remembered all those nights during that second year with the Cohens, coming home to find Kirsten sipping away at the exact same drink; and how, at the time, he'd thought it was ice water.
Ryan was about to take a sip of that very same drink when his doorbell rang. "Just a minute!" he yelled toward the door, and screwed the cap back on his bottle of vodka before stashing it in the cupboard again. As he headed for the door, his heart started thudding in his ears again, as if his heart already knew who was on the other side of that door. He pulled it open and instantly damned his heart for being two steps ahead of him at all times. "Kirsten."
Kirsten herself, in the flesh, stood on his porch with her hair dampened from the rain, plastering on a smile. "Ryan."
He just stared, unable to think of anything to say. Starting with 'hi' at this point just seemed highly inadequate.
Kirsten's lips twitched and he knew she was reading his mind; she'd always been able to. "I know it's unbelievably weird for me to show up here after three years, but... do you think I could come in?"
Instinctively, Ryan stepped aside and allowed her to enter, watching her lock her car with the remote before coming inside. The light jacket she wore was damp from the rain and she shivered as soon as she stepped into his air conditioned house. "I don't remember the last time it's rained like this here," she chuckled uneasily.
Ryan just barely quirked a smile in return and held his hands out in a silent request for her jacket. She gave it to him and he hung it over the back of a nearby chair, watching as she toed off her shoes next and left them on the mat by the door. Then, she took a look around. "Wow, what a great place. You've been here three years?"
"Pretty much, yeah." And he had to fight to remember the last time he invited a woman inside like this. It had been at least a year, if not more, since his last fling. A thin blonde. All of his conquests since Kirsten had ended up being slender blondes.
"I like it. You've done a nice job with it."
While Kirsten was looking around, Ryan had gone back into the kitchen for his tumbler of vodka on ice. "Can I get you a drink?" he offered reflexively, keeping his voice as distant as possible though his heart was aching at the sight of her.
"Oh, I'll have whatever you're having," she replied absently, looking at his window treatments.
"Well, I'm having vodka on ice. If you're still clean I could get you a water or a soda or something."
"Water would be great, thanks," she smiled at him, and he could tell the smile was strained.
He brought her a bottle of water and gestured for her to take a seat on the couch. She did so while he remained standing, looking at the light on his message machine, still blinking from when Seth had called. He went over and erased it while Kirsten watched him.
"You don't listen to your messages?" she asked curiously, her brows furrowing.
"I heard it," he replied curtly.
"Oh." Awkward silence fell as she took a sip of her water. "So, how've you been?"
"What are you doing here, Kirsten?" No sense beating around the bush with mindless small talk. They'd never been the types to engage in small talk anyway. Not with each other. They knew each other too well.
The hurt was evident in her tone. "I wanted to see you."
"After three years?"
"Yes." She sighed and watched as he started to pace back and forth in the living room. "Look, Ryan, I thought you should know that--"
The phone ringing interrupted her confession, and they both looked at the machine as it picked up right away with his standard greeting, and the beep. And then out came Julie's voice.
"Ryan, hi, sweetie, it's Julie. You must not be home. That's a shame, I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you before anything happened. Um, first of all, Marissa says hi and she'd love it if you'd come out to see the baby. She's been waiting to introduce you to both him and David, so... I think you should give her a call. Or, come back. Whatever."
A voice could soon be heard in the background: "Ryan, don't come back, ever! It's a shithole here now!" before Julie could be heard admonishing her.
"What did I tell you about using that kind of language? Not until you're eighteen, now get outta here." The smile came back to her tone as she informed him, "Sorry, that was Kaitlin. As always, she sends her love."
Ryan fought not to smile at that while Kirsten looked completely shocked that Julie was even calling him in the first place.
"I guess I should jump right to the point before the machine cuts me off, um... Kirsten and Sandy are splitting up. For good. Or they have, rather. And, I'm kinda worried about her. I know it's been three years since the last time you guys talked, and I know things didn't end very well but... I think she really needs to see you right now. And I bet there's a part of you somewhere deep down that really wants to see her too. So, if she calls, just... hear her out. I don't know where she is right now, I just tried calling her actually and she's not answering her cell, but... just... if you hear from her, hear her out. I just want her to be happy again, Ryan, y'know? She deserves it. She said she'd been happy with you."
Ryan looked up at Kirsten while she looked away, tearing the label off her bottle of water as Julie concluded her message. "I hope everything's okay with you, sweetie, and that you get in touch with either me or Marissa soon. Please take care of yourself, okay? Okay, bye." The call and the machine disconnected, and the house was shrouded in deafening silence.
Ryan glanced from the blinking light, over to Kirsten, who was still staring at her bottle of water -- almost accusingly, he noted. She ripped a little more of the label off and exhaled a nervous smile. "So, I guess my secret's out. Julie beat me to it."
Ryan hit the 'erase' button on the machine, obliterating Julie's lengthy message. "Seth did, actually. That was the message I erased a few minutes ago."
"Ah." She crumpled the part of the label she'd already torn off and set it on the couch next to her before she looked up at him again. "How long have you been in contact with her?"
He took a drink of his vodka and ignored the sting as it slid down his throat. "Two years. Actually, she's been in contact with me."
"Ah." It seemed that was all Kirsten was capable of responding with.
"So you and Sandy?"
"Done. Divorced. He's already living in Boston, looking for a job at one of the universities. And I kept the house, I'm staying in Newport."
"Ah." Damn him, he's already picked up Kirsten's mode of response after being around her for just a matter of minutes. "At least you guys tried, right?"
"No."
"No what?"
Kirsten laughed mirthlessly and swirled her water bottle in front of her, watching the water move. "We didn't try."
"Why not?"
"We knew how it was going to end. After twenty years and twenty thousand fights with someone, there comes a point where you just... stop trying. We reached that point after you left." Quieter, she added, "That, and I couldn't get over you."
His eyebrows raised at that. "Excuse me?"
Kirsten looked up at him and set the bottle of water aside, all of her attention on him. Her eyes held several emotions within the green-blue depths, trepidation, regret, and affection being just a few. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get over you?" She made a noise, like a tire leaking air -- a small 'pssh' as she added, "I'm still not over you."
Trying not to let her words affect him too much, Ryan shrugged. "I guess I never got the impression that you were... under me." He made a face at himself for his choice of words, but Kirsten took no notice.
"You had no idea that I was in love with you?"
"No, because you kept dropping me and then running back. I guess I figured if you'd been in love with me, there wouldn't have been any back and forth. I was in love with you, after all, and I was ready to give you everything. To give up everything for you."
"I know. That's why there was the back and forth. I guess I just... didn't know what to do about my feelings for you. There was so much to lose."
He held her gaze. "And so much to gain."
She nodded. "I know. At that time, though, I just... couldn't make that sacrifice for you. And I'm sorry. You deserve much better than the way I treated you."
Ryan just swallowed another mouthful of vodka and wished for something stronger. "So I suppose you're here to ask me to take you back."
"No. No, I'm not."
He wished his heart hadn't dropped when she said that. "You're not."
"No. I know the way I treated you was unforgivable, and that you could easily find someone ten times better for you than I am. I guess I just came because... I wanted to see you. And I wanted to apologize."
Ryan just stared, his heart and his head and his body threatening to yank him in about fifty different directions at once. And his world was already starting to tilt just slightly from the vodka. He blinked away the blurriness. "Oh."
He wasn't sure what he expected. Part of him wanted Kirsten to drop to her knees and beg him to take her back; part of him wanted him to drop to his knees and beg her to take him back; then the other part of him wanted to let her go. He just wasn't sure which part would win.
Kirsten took his silence as a cue. "Well, I guess I should go. I said what I wanted to say, so... now I should let you go about the rest of your night and uh... leave." She glanced down at the now-empty bottle of water she was holding, and the crumpled up label in her other hand. "Uh, where's your trash?"
Ryan pointed her toward the kitchen and watched her throw it away before she moved to the chair her jacket was draped over. Silence reigned between them as she pulled her jacket on and zipped it up. flipping her long hair out from under the collar. "I'm glad I got to see you again, Ryan. I hope you take care of yourself."
And Ryan was still cemented in place, trying to decipher which direction his heart, brain and body were pulling him in.
Kirsten took a breath and exhaled a soft, "Goodbye," before turning for the door.
His heart, brain, and body led the way then and he sprung into action, lunging forward and grabbing her elbow. "Kirsten, wait!"
His hand on her elbow gently turned her around; when their eyes met he noted there were tears in hers. She obviously hadn't expected he would just let her leave. Ryan searched her eyes and wondered what the hell he could say or do to close the gaping chasm between them. Finally, he found his voice. "I never got over you, either."
"What?" she whispered, swiping at the tear slipping down her cheek almost angrily.
Ryan took over the task for her, his stomach somersaulting at the realization that her skin was just as soft as it had been when he last touched her. His mouth went on without his brain's consent. "I'm still in love with you, too. Probably always will be, unfortunately."
That did it. That closed the gap. Kirsten moved into his arms almost reflexively at that point, twining hers around his neck. Ryan closed his eyes, much like the first time she had really truly embraced him, before he wound his arms around her waist in turn. Kirsten cried silently while Ryan held her tight, burying his face in her neck. She still smelled exactly the same; felt exactly the same. It was as if no time had passed since they had last been together.
Ryan pulled back when he felt Kirsten kiss his earlobe and he palmed her face with both hands, thumbs stroking her cheeks as their foreheads connected, her hands gripping his waist. He wiped away the rest of her tears as they just stood together, breathing together. He leaned in for a kiss and wound up taking all her breath. His hands stole up her back and he felt her shiver in response; she pulled away but refused to move her forehead from his as she met his eyes and asked timidly, "Can I stay?"
Ryan took a much-needed breath, his heart thudding in his ears once again as he pondered what answer he could give. If he let her in, there was a good chance she could get scared and leave again.
And bless her, Kirsten as always read his thoughts and answered them aloud. "I'm done running, I'm done with the back and forth. I need stability now." She slid her hands up his chest as she leaned her forehead more firmly against his, the sides of their noses touching now. "Only you can give that to me."
That was all he needed to hear. So he kissed her softly once more and told her, "You can stay."
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
FIN
Click HERE to download the song that inspired this fic: All the Same by Sick Puppies (which will soon be ending up on a new Rysten mix - stay tuned!).
{x-posted to rystenlove}