TITLE: Whatever This Is
CHAPTER 17: Everything
FANDOM: Once Upon a Time
PAIRING: Swan Queen (Regina/Emma)
SPOILERS: AU from beginning of "The Cricket Game"
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY:
The old expression says that you can’t help who you love. The same is true in reverse, though. Emma can’t help that she just never developed deeper feelings.
*****
It takes all of Emma’s strength to pull herself away from the door, though she only makes it as far as the edge of the front stoop. She sits down hard on the concrete and braces her elbows on her knees, the heels of her hands pressing into her eyes.
The tears come out before she can stop them; is this really happening? Is she really losing the best friend she’s ever had because she doesn’t feel the same?
She understands why Regina did it, but doesn’t she understand that this is something that can’t be helped? The old expression says that you can’t help who you love. The same is true in reverse, though. Emma can’t help that she just never developed deeper feelings.
She loves Regina, just… not the way Regina wants her to. God, this can’t be happening.
She doesn’t know how long she sits there, crying as quietly as she can. But before long she figures she’d better drag her ass off Regina’s front steps, or people are gonna start asking questions. Either that or Regina would come out and find her there and make her leave.
So Emma pulls herself to her feet and walks toward the car, each step heavy. She thinks of the first time she walked away from this house and hoped she’d never have to come back. Now here she is, wishing she didn’t have to leave.
When she passes the gate, she stops and looks back at the house - at the window of the master bedroom. She thinks she sees the curtains swish, and decides to just get in the car and leave before Regina comes down to yell at her.
She makes it as far as Main Street before she doesn’t feel like driving anymore. She pulls over by the auto shop; the guys there are already working, and a few of them call out a greeting. She gives a perfunctory wave, feeling half-guilty that she looks so unapproachable.
She passes the tailor and Marco’s clock shop, followed by the pawn shop. She’s almost at the corner when she can hear the door to the pawn shop opening, and then out comes the last person she wants to see right now.
“Emma, hey!”
She swallows and keeps going, forcing her voice to stay even. “Neal,” she returns, as unenthusiastically as she can so he gets the picture.
Soon he’s beside her, and… he’s never really understood subtlety. “How come you’re just wandering around town?”
She keeps staring straight ahead as she lifts a brow, telling him, “I’m the Sheriff, remember? Occasionally I gotta make the rounds.”
“Things are slow-goin’ today, huh?” he chuckles.
Emma looks over at him and watches his smile fade.
“Nevermind, maybe it’s too early for jokes.”
“It definitely is.”
“You wanna grab some lunch?” he asks next, and she can see now where Henry gets his occasional bouts of motor-mouth from.
“Not really,” she sighs, and wonders how much longer she’ll have to ice him before he catches on.
He reaches out then and snags her arm, just inside the elbow. “Hey, come on, Em.”
Anger boils within her suddenly at hearing the shortening of her name, and she spins around, snapping at him, “Don’t call me that! Nobody is allowed to call me that.”
Except Regina, her brain taunts.
Neal takes a step back, holding up his hands and widening his eyes. “Sorry! Jeez.”
Placing a hand to her forehead, she closes her eyes and huffs. “Look, Neal, I’m not the best company right now.” Then her hand falls to her side and she lifts her eyebrows at him. “Okay? I just wanna be left alone for a little while.”
“You seem a little tense.”
She has to laugh at that, even though the sound carries no joy. He really has no idea. And she has no interest in filling him in. Yeah, sorry, it’s just that my best friend and I made out a couple times, and apparently she’s in love with me. And I love her, I just don’t think it’s the way she wants me to love her, so she cut me loose and doesn’t wanna see me anymore. So yeah, I’m a little tense. “Uh, yeah, I guess I am.”
“Alright, well… can I still pick up Henry later? I promised I’d take him to dinner.”
“Yeah,” she sighs, “Fine.” By all means, start showing him how well your ‘promises’ work out.
He smirks, telling her, “He’s already talking about wanting to stay with me sometime in New York.”
Oh Jesus, she did not need to hear that. Regina’s gonna shit a brick when she finds out. “I’m not so sure about that, Neal.”
“Come on! I’m the kid’s dad!”
Clenching her teeth, she balls a fist next to her. God she’d really love to punch something right now. And she thinks, even if she were alone, that something would still be him. “Neal…”
“Alright, alright. You’re right - wrong time to discuss it. I’ll let you get back to…” He gestures to her, shrugging facially. “Brooding, or whatever it is that you’re doing.”
“Thanks,” she huffs, and listens for his footsteps heading back toward the pawn shop.
For a few minutes, she feels relieved at being alone again, and several feet later she finds herself heading into Granny’s. She knows Ruby will be there, and that Ruby will want to talk, but hopefully she picks up on subtleties better than her idiot ex.
The bell over the door tinkles as she enters, and she sidles up to the counter. Ruby’s there right away, ready and willing, and Emma says, “Beer, please,” even though it’s one in the afternoon.
She watches Ruby look at the clock, and then shrug. “Okay.”
Then there’s a tall stein sitting in front of her in under ten seconds. She gulps from it gratefully, feeling Ruby’s eyes on her. She wipes off the foam mustache she’s acquired and asks, “What?”
Ruby shrugs again. “Nothing. You just… look like you might need to talk.”
Emma shakes her head. This is what Ruby does. Whether she’s a waitress or otherwise, this is what she does. She gets people to talk. Emma doesn’t want to talk.
And yet she hears herself asking, “Have you ever screwed things up with a friend so badly that they don’t even want to be your friend anymore?”
Ruby gives that some thought, then nods. “Yeah.”
“What about if what screws it up is something that you can’t help? Like feelings?”
She arches an eyebrow, her dark eyes glittering as she leans on the counter and whispers excitedly, “Does somebody like you?”
“Yeah,” she groans, rubbing between her eyes. “Somebody does.”
“Is it that Neal guy that just got here?”
Emma huffs. “Yeah, but… no.”
Predictably, Ruby’s confused. “I don’t get it.”
“I know. Neal likes me, but… that’s nothing. I screwed up my relationship with someone I actually care about and enjoy being with, because feelings got in the way and I don’t feel the same.”
Ruby narrows her eyes, thinking it over. Then all at once, it seems to hit her who Emma’s talking about. Her eyes get large and round, her mouth drops open, and then it spreads into a huge grin as she leans across the counter and whispers, “Nooo….” Then, she looks around for prying eyes and ears as she looks to Emma again and mouths, ‘Regina’?
Emma nods slowly, watching Ruby’s reaction, and if she weren’t in such a foul mood she would find it funny, because Ruby looks like she’s about to explode. She presses her lips together and leans back, one hand pressed into the counter.
Her eyes are still huge as she says, quietly, “That is wild.” Then, almost as an aside, she says, “She’s actually pretty hot. I mean I don’t swing that way, but… I might, if she insisted.”
Emma chooses to ignore that side comment and points at her, hissing, “You cannot breathe a word of this to anyone! Especially Mary Margaret!”
“Oh God no!” Ruby widens her eyes. “She’d die.” Tilting her head, she adds, “And I mean she might actually keel over and die.”
“Seriously?” She finds it hard to believe that her mother won’t hear of this immediately. “You’re not gonna tell her?”
“No!” Ruby presses a hand to her heart. “I love Snow like she’s my sister, and… I know she says she’s okay with you and Regina being friends, but… anything beyond that, I think she’d have an aneurysm.” Then, all at once she seems to settle down, and leans her forearms on the counter again, clasping her hands as she says, “Besides… I’m not just her friend. I like to think I’m yours, too. And this might sound weird, but…” She shrugs, wincing. “I kinda like Regina.”
Emma raises her eyebrows. “You do? Other than thinking she’s hot?”
“Yeah!” She smiles. “I mean… she has her past. We all do. She’s done some pretty shitty things, but… I’ve really seen a change in her since you guys became friends. It was like being around you made her want to be a better person.”
“Really.” Emma’s heart sinks, just a little, at hearing that. Shit. And if they were no longer friends, what did that mean for Regina?
Ruby glances around for prying ears and eyes again, then drops her voice. “So she really has a thing for you?”
Emma nods again.
“Wow. Well, I guess that kinda makes some sense. I mean…” She shrugs. “You’ve seen the way she looks at you, right?”
At that, Emma raises her eyebrows. “Huh?”
“Hmm. Guess you haven’t.” She shrugs and leans back, excusing herself to talk to another customer.
Emma grabs her arm and doesn’t let her get away that easily. “No you don’t,” she warns. “Come on, you can’t just say that and then walk off.” She, too, has to glance around the diner, spotting a few people looking at the way she had grabbed Ruby. She releases her arm and asks, “How does she look at me?”
Ruby shrugs. “I dunno, like… kinda like you’re the greatest thing in the world. I mean I don’t think I ever saw her real smile until I saw her with you.’
Emma’s heart sinks a little more. “God.”
Ruby pats her hand, giving her a smile. “But if you don’t feel the same, you don’t feel the same! What can you do about it?”
Then, she moves on to someone further down the counter and leaves Emma mumbling, “Yeah,” after her, lost in her thoughts.
There’s nothing she can do about it. Regina feels one way, and she feels another. And sure, Regina’s pretty great when she’s not being annoyingly sassy or self-righteous. And maybe Ruby has a point about Regina’s looks - she’s pretty gorgeous, all dark hair and dark eyes and a persona that screams sex, but… to admire someone’s looks is one thing. Going from finding them attractive to all-out love? That’s way different. And not something she can just force herself to do.
She pouts at her beer and groans, laying her head on the counter and regretting the past several days. She regrets that stupid-ass ‘Never Have I Ever’ game she suggested, and she sure as hell regrets forcing a kiss. Especially if that’s what made feelings develop where there otherwise would have been none.
She regrets consenting to helping Gold find his son, because now she has Neal to deal with, and she regrets going to Regina for advice when Henry blew up at her. The past few days have been just so royally screwed up, and she has no idea how to cope with any of it anymore.
Keeping her forehead on the counter, she reaches into her pocket for her wallet and grabs enough bills to cover the beer. Then she drags herself up and off the stool, her legs filled with lead as she forces herself outside.
Maybe she just needs to go home. She could get David to cover her shift and then just sleep all of this away.
*****
When she gets home, David is there doing the dishes. “Emma, there you are!” he greets her, tossing the dishtowel aside. “Your mother just stepped out to look for you.”
“Oh?” She wishes she sounded less ambivalent - David’s gonna figure out what’s up before she even gets a word out.
“Yes, she said she got a text from Henry that he was at Regina’s.”
She nods, telling him, “I know. I already found him.”
“Oh. He’s still upset with you, I take it?”
She nods again, dropping all her dead weight into the chair at the breakfast bar. “Yeah, but… I guess Regina talked to him about things. She thinks he’ll get over it soon.”
“Oh. Good. I hate to see discord in this family after all we’ve been through.”
Emma raises her eyebrows, feeling a little guilty that she always figured David wouldn’t even know that ‘discord’ is a word. “Right.”
Then, he looks at her. He furrows his brows. “Something wrong?”
And Emma’s so tired, she can’t even keep up pretenses anymore as she grumbles, “Everything is,” and lays her head on the island the same way she had at the diner.
“Everything?” She can feel him bracing his hands on the counter, regarding her. “Care to narrow that down a little?”
“No,” she grumbles against the counter. She knows she’s being more than a little dramatic, but if this kind of a fucked-up situation doesn’t call for a little melodrama, then what does?
She lifts her head and gives him a long look. She can’t tell him. Mary Margaret will hear about it instantly, and she does not want to be responsible for a schoolteacher’s untimely death.
David tilts his head and gives her a smile. “Come on. I’m here to help.”
Sighing, she shakes her head slowly. “I don’t know that you can. Or,” she shrugs, “If you can, I don’t know how much of this I want getting back to Mary Margaret.”
“Ahh.” He leans back. “Well… Emma, you know that I don’t enjoy keeping things from your mother. But… if you ask me to keep this in confidence, then I will.”
Emma glances down for a moment. She toys with a gouge in the Formica surface and tells him, “I don’t even know where to start.”
“I find the beginning works quite well.”
She can’t. She just can’t bring herself to do it. He looks so open, so willing to hear anything she has to say, and she can’t bring herself to say it. How can she tell this man she just met a year ago (who looks no older than her and is somehow still her father) that her best friend - the former queen that tortured them all - is in love with her and broke off their friendship to save face? And how does she even begin to tell him how much it’s hurting her right now?
Luckily, there’s a knock on the door before she has to say anything. David goes to answer it and Emma keeps her back turned, facing the sink, even though her stomach tumbles when he greets, “Regina.”
“Hey gramps!” she hears Henry call out, and then he’s in the door, marching upstairs to the loft. He doesn’t bother to say hello to her, and Emma wonders how long she’ll get the silent treatment.
“David, I’m sorry to just turn up like this. I had promised Emma I would drop him off, and-“
“Well Emma’s right here - Emma?”
Emma cringes, turning around slowly and giving an awkward little wave. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
Regina looks sad; maybe a little wistful, and Emma just wants to hug her. Just hug her and keep hugging her until all the weirdness goes away. But then, she supposes such an urge is a little weird in and of itself. But… Regina’s her best friend. And she kinda misses her already. Probably more than what’s acceptable, but she tries not to focus on that.
David glances between them, and then asks Regina, “Would you like to come in?”
Regina shakes her head, her voice soft and unusually polite for speaking to the supposed bane of her existence (or one half of the bane of her existence anyway) as she declines, “No, thank you, I won’t be staying. I just came to drop Henry off.”
“Oh.” David looks surprised, and gives Emma a look before turning back to Regina. “Well, thank you. We were a little worried about him this morning.”
“Yes, well.” Regina flashes him a quick, almost-polite smile. “Just a taste of what we’ll all be dealing with when he turns thirteen I’d imagine.” She gives each of them one last glance and says a quiet, “Goodbye,” before turning away.
“Regina!” Emma gets off her stool, feeling desperation in her heart and not knowing why.
Regina stops and turns to face her, while David still watches all of this transpire. Emma figures they’re being more than a little transparent, and she hopes he can’t put all the pieces together just from seeing them interact.
She dips her head, asking the brunette, “I’ll see you on Friday?”
Regina swallows. She still looks sad, almost like she’s barely hanging on to her composure. Her reply is cordial - almost too much-so - as she nods and says, “Yes. You can drop Henry off after five.”
“Okay.” Then before Emma can say anything else, Regina’s gone and she’s left staring at the empty hallway, and then the closed front door.
David snaps her out of it. “That’s what’s wrong, isn’t it?”
“Huh?”
“When you said ‘everything’ is wrong.” He nods toward the door. “That’s ‘everything,’ isn’t it?”
And all Emma can feel is the profound weight in her chest, and the thudding of her heart while her head taunts her, telling her that he has no idea how true those words are.
But they can’t be. She’s not ‘everything.’ She’s her best friend, and the one person she can go to when she’s confused or having a crappy day. Except, not anymore. She’s cut off. And she can’t be ‘everything’ because she’s got problems with Neal, too. He won’t go away and she can’t figure out how to get him off her back about going out for lunch or for drinks.
But the main reason she can’t figure out how to get him off her back is because this whole insane Regina thing is using up all her brainpower, and… oh, shit maybe that is ‘everything’ that’s wrong. “What do you mean?”
David’s still watching her, even as she sits down hard on the steps leading up to the loft. He folds his arms and clarifies, “Regina. Regina is ‘everything.’”
She swallows hard, feeling everything close in around her. “Yeah, she kinda is.”
TBC
{x-posted to
onceupon_fanfic and
regina_emma}