(Criminal Minds ) Sound Of Silence - 5/6
Title: Sound Of Silence
Author: darkbardzero
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairings: Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau
Ratings: 15
Warnings: Mature adult themes and bad language.
Disclaimers: All things Criminal Minds belong to people other than me. I just write stuff.
A/N: A huge thank you to my awesome girlfriend who keeps encouraging me and betaing for me, wouldn't have posted without her. Loves and hugs to my girl!
XXX
By the time Saturday afternoon rolled around, JJ had finally managed to relax. After her dinner with Emily, and even though her feelings were a tangled mess around that, she felt pretty good. Like she had told the older Agent, she had picked up some essentials from the store on the way home. When she had gotten home however, she had been so tired that the only thing she had done was shower and crawl into a much missed bed. She had slept the whole night through, and allowed herself to have a rather good sleep in.
Now, JJ found herself responding to the sound of the doorbell being pressed insistently. Moving through the house, she got to the door and pulled it open to be greeted by a light brunette woman, who immediately dropped her wide grin as she took in her state of being in some cotton pants and a vest.
‘’You’re not ready. Why aren’t you ready?’’
Came the immediate demand as her friend gawked at her with something nothing short of dismay running through hazel eyes. JJ was used to her friend’s abrasiveness, but she still raised an eyebrow at the greeting. Plus, why the hell would she be ready now?
‘’Be-cause we have 2 hours before we meet the girls?’’
She answered lightly, showing her confusion and adding a simple tone to her voice. Bella liked to be ready early, she knew. But two hours was a little over the top.
‘’Jennifer…’’
JJ rolled her eyes and turned away from the door, beginning to walk down the hallway back toward the kitchen, leaving the door open for her friend.
‘’Don’t call me Jennifer.’’
She warned, hearing the door close behind Bella.
‘’…that is no excuse. You’re a woman. A very hot woman that is seriously in denial that she needs to sleep with me, but a woman none the less. Take this time to groom!’’
Bella completely ignored JJ’s warning, breezily continuing on as she followed JJ back into the kitchen. Sometimes she just couldn’t understand her sassy blonde friend. JJ would always leave a stupidly small space of time to get ready in. And although she always got ready within that time, and always looked gorgeous, Bella still did not approve. It wasn’t as though she was some girly diva herself or something, but they were hard working women that deserved to pamper themselves once in a while.
Getting back into the kitchen, JJ went to the breakfast counter where she had been, then simply quirked an eyebrow at the brunette. She had met Bella a few years ago when some mutual friends had had a party, and they had gotten along like a house on fire. There was something about her that was just captivating. Something underneath the bluster and bravado, the cockiness and the arrogance.
‘’What?’’
‘’You’re full of shit. And I am not in denial, I just don’t want to sleep with you!’’
JJ responded dryly, rolling her eyes gently as she smirked a little. That had also been an ongoing theme since they had made friends. Bella was a beautiful girl; actually if JJ was honest she was more than that. However, the attraction wasn’t there. And if it ever had chance to be, becoming such good friends had made her blind to it. She loved Bella, loved all that sweet talking confidence, how cocky she was, loved seeing the heart of gold underneath. She was fun to be around, and she had always been there for her.
‘’See, right there! Denial baby!’’
Bella insisted, pointing at JJ with a huge smug grin on her face. JJ just scoffed in amusement, rolling her eyes again as he shook her head before picking up the last half of the bagel she had been eating as she was flipping through the afternoon paper. Out the corner of her eye she saw Bella shrug before making herself comfortable on one of the stools on the other side of the counter.
‘’Well, seeing as we’ll be cooling our heels for a while, you got any beer?’’
Nodding, JJ walked over to the fridge and pulled out two bottles, handing one to Bella as she returned to her position at the counter.
‘’Amber should be here soon.’’
‘’Another chick that wants to sleep with me!’’
Bella grinned, wagging her eyebrows suggestively before taking a mouthful of her beer. Sometimes Bella would remind JJ of Garcia when she was being perverted and lecherous, because Garcia got that same look when she was drooling over Morgan.
‘’Ah ha.’’
She responded flatly, sipping the beer before turning a page in the paper, knowing full well that Bella was watching her thoughtfully.
‘’So, what has your fine self been up to today? Taking it easy I hope, seeing as you worked like, a gazillion hours this week.’’
JJ just nodded simply.
‘’I slept in, cleaned up some, went shopping for the old lady across the street…’’
‘’Awww, you can take the girl outta the farm but not the farm outta the girl!’’
The brunette teased sweetly, her whisky voice mischievous.
‘’Shut up! Did some stuff. Talked to my niece on the video chat. I just came back from a run, which is why I’m not dressed.’’
Bella nodded, thinking that was as good a rest JJ was going to have. She never sat still for long, so that was pretty much a light day for her. At least she had slept in. And she knew that she enjoyed talking to her niece. Despite certain family issues, JJ missed them, that much was pretty obvious. Especially the kid.
She blinked a little as JJ began to move, absently pottering around and putting things in the kitchen away. As she reached up to put something in one of the higher cupboards, Bella propped her head up on the counter and sighed dreamily.
‘’Stop looking at my ass.’’
JJ ordered, not even having to turn around to know that was exactly what Bella was doing.
‘’Can’t help it.’’
JJ turned around again, eyebrows quirked.
‘’How long have we been friends?’’
‘’Five years.’’
‘’And you still think it’s going to happen?’’
She questioned lightly. It wasn’t as though she thought Bella was going to stop any time soon thought. Her friend was incorrigible. They always fooled around with one another, trading in comments like that. But deep down, they both knew that for Bella, the attraction really was there. Had always been there.
‘’Hey, a girl can dream, right? We’re entitled to our dream woman fantasies, thank you very much.’’
JJ looked up quickly, somewhat surprised at the comment. The soft sincerity behind the jokey tone had rang clear in her ears, and as she looked at Bella she could see the truth of her statement somewhere deep in her eyes.
‘’Dream woman?’’
Scoffing, Bella flailed a little, an almost pained look appearing on her beautiful face as she rolled her eyes, straining to make her point. Straining to try and get it into JJ’s head for once. God her friend was seriously in need of a reality check.
‘’Oh c’mon, check yourself out in the mirror sometime JJ. Why do you think women fall over themselves to be with you? Some of them even know your reputation and they don’t care.’’
‘’I do not have a reputation.’’
JJ huffed defensively, glowering across the counter.
‘’Honey you damn well do and you know it. You’re the elusive, mysterious heartbreaker.’’
Bella countered, knowing that JJ already knew about that. For some reason JJ could never accept the state of her unbelievable hotness, or why said women flocked to her. It had been something Bella had been trying to get through to her since they met, but it had never worked. JJ was too modest, didn’t really have the capacity to be brash and arrogant about it, which she clearly could have been. But that’s why she was such a cool person. Bella didn’t think it would suit JJ if she adopted an attitude like hers. The blonde could be confident with women whilst she was with them, but overall, it just wasn’t there. She was too stoic for that, too pleasant. She saw too much out there in the world, and hurt a lot because of it. She was the laid back girl from a small town, had taught to be humble.
There was something else that Bella had become highly aware of this last year or so. Especially in these last few months. JJ was in pain. Not an obvious, screaming pain, but it was there nonetheless. She knew her friend better than she thought; those eyes of hers betrayed her sometimes. And when once there had been a certain something in the pools of blue when she met a girl someplace; now it was just emptiness. Now it was replacement for something. Now it was about the need to be with another person, like she was trying to fill this void inside, but actually would never let herself connect with anyone long enough.
‘’Yeah well, that may be coming to an end.’’
‘’JJ don’t swear.’’
Bella gasped in mock horror, knowing that JJ was not in a position to talk about most of it. And if Bella let on that she knew more than she had said, it would make her recoil. So she played her roll of the one track minded player.
‘’I mean it. I’m sick of it. I’ve been sick of it for a long time.’’
‘’So why do you do it?’’
‘’Because it’s the only thing I can do. It doesn’t matter, just forget I said anything.’’
JJ gazed at the counter, trying to push the image of Emily’s hand covering her own out of her head. On her run earlier, she had come to some conclusions. That this wasn’t her anymore. This lifestyle wasn’t her anymore. And she could accept that. Because she was Jennifer Jareau, and she didn’t back down from challenges, no matter how hard they were. She had made it all the way to the fricking FBI. Into the BAU, of all things. The work she did there was full on and exhaustingly hard. But she didn’t back down. If she needed to move on in herself now, then she would work on doing that.
This wasn’t her anymore, but she didn’t regret anything. She didn’t regret the girls, the lack of complications, the reputation. She had made choices, she had lived those choices, and she was still a damn good person. She was still surrounded by the best friends anyone could ask for.
However, she had also acknowledged that unless it was with Emily, she wasn’t quite ready to take a step forward yet. If she couldn’t have Emily, which she knew she couldn’t, then she wasn’t interested. It would take someone worth moving on for to get her to do it, she was sure of it. There were little things she could change in the meantime.
‘’JJ, if you need to talk…’’
‘’I’m fine. Just a tough week at work, is all.’’
She brushed off quickly, visibly shaking the mood away from her, looking back up as Bella grunted grumpily.
‘’I hate your job. What’s more, I can’t believe I hang out with someone so responsible as you. You’re like, really grown up. With an important job and everything! Shit, you carry a gun for crying out loud. Which is just beyond hot, by the way. But sometimes, you’re on my TV screen and I’m like ‘damn, that’s one of my best friends’, you know?’’
Bella flailed in her exasperation, still having an air of bewilderment that she actually knew someone like JJ. It was so weird to see her be all authorative and assertive with the press, be all Agent Jareau like, when she had seen her as JJ. She had been to parties with her, seen her drink grown men under the table, seen her pick up girls, seen her dance, seen her fooling around playing air guitar to music. She had seen her hung over in the morning. She knew her likes and dislikes. And yet, there she was. This tough, kick ass FBI Agent that went from place to place helping to stop serial killers. Who knew people like that?! So responsible and grown up.
‘’Bella?’’
‘’What?’’
‘’You’re a nurse!’’
JJ pointed out incredulously, laughing when Bella laughed too.
‘’Well…yeah. But I’m an immature one. And really, let’s be honest…the uniforms made me do it!’’
She reasoned, making JJ laugh and shake her head. The thing was JJ could absolutely buy that if she wanted to. Bella must have hit up half the hospital at least. But she knew that it wasn’t the only reason. She had wanted to help in her own way too.
‘’I don’t get shot at, or see the things you see. I don’t hunt serial killers. That’s just…that’s just wow, you know?’’
The brunette continued, reminding JJ of Emily’s words last night. Or well, the lack of being able to find a description for it. Like it was just so beyond surreal that there was simply never going to be a word for it.
‘’Yeah. It’s a little surreal for me too sometimes. The kid from the farm in the most elite unit of the FBI. I feel like I shouldn’t be there sometimes.’’
JJ admitted, taking in a breath. Somehow, it always seemed like the others had a reason for being there. Hotch had been to Harvard, studied law to become a prosecutor. And when that hadn’t been enough for him, when he started thinking his job came too late to help, he joined the FBI. And Hotch, everyone knew, had had an abusive Father.
Reid had a mind that never stopped, allowing him to gain the three PhD’s he had and the handful of BA’s too. He was so young, so innocent, that it horrified him what went on in the world. And his experience with his family, his Father abandoning him and his Mother being a paranoid schizophrenic had spurred him in this line of work. So jarred by the world that he needed to do something about it. Needed to put his genius to use.
Morgan had grown up in Chicago, surrounded by gangs and crime. His Father had been killed, leaving his Mother to raise him and his sisters alone. And as though staying on the right track hadn’t been hard enough, the man that was supposed to be a Father figure had abused him. And when he had blown his knee out in college, he hadn’t stopped. He had joined the Chicago PD, and made his way to the FBI.
Gideon had such a profound insight into people that it could literally hurt him. In many ways, he was damned. And like Reid was horrified into making sure he used his knowledge to help, Gideon had done much the same. She was sure there was something else, under the surface. Some trauma that had hit him like the others, but he was so private that she couldn’t tell what it was. But his family breaking apart surely hadn’t helped.
Garcia had lost her parents to a drunk driver, leaving her life in a tailspin. Leaving her to realise that even good people suffered at the hands of terrible things and terrible people. She’d had part of her life stolen away. The people that had taught her, had raised her, had loved her, gone forever, leaving her permanently scared.
Emily. God where did she start with Emily? She was a Prentiss. That statement alone could cover it. In many ways, the brunette would never recover from the abandonment she had suffered as a child. Not the same abandonment that Reid had suffered, or Garcia had suffered. But an abandonment all the same. In fact, it might have been worse. Her parents had been right there in front of her, but never been there for her. Dragged her around the world, and although Emily clearly had made the best of everything, it had still hurt her deeply. Left her with an almost cruel insight into people.
Her? She had grown up with her brothers and her parents on a farm out in rural Pennsylvania. The land was beautiful, and the people although nosey and therefore irritating, tended to be good people. Nothing had ever really happened there. She had suffered no trauma. Her Father wasn’t abusive in any way; her Mother was warm and affectionate. They had taught her many things. Playing soccer had been the only pressure she had really felt in high school, when everyone had pushed and pushed. But that was it. She had gotten her scholarship to Pittsburgh, worked hard, made friends, and accepted the offer from the FBI.
Flying through the academy and gaining high praise from her teachers, she had been offered a few positions. And she had taken one that she knew would lead her onto the BAU. Why?
Why indeed. She couldn’t think of anything that had happened to explain it, other than that she wanted to help people. Other than that she knew she was capable of it.
‘’Why?’’
‘’I don’t know. God, I need to get drunk. I’ve been in a weird mood for a couple of days.’’
‘’Are you okay? Really, are you doing okay?’’
Narrowing her eyes, Bella looked worried as she asked, wondering what the thoughts were in troubled blue eyes.
‘’I’m fine. I just need to let off some steam, is all.’’
As JJ looked at her, she could see the blonde silently asking her to let it go, and help her do that. Instantly, she granted the wish. Grinning widely, she held her arms out a little, as though she was pulling a pose, and wiggled her fingers toward herself.
‘’Well baby, you’ve come to the right girl!’’
JJ laughed before Bella thrust her beer bottled toward her, wiggling it slightly in order to get her to clink it against her own. As she did, Bella grinned further and raised her eyebrows both questioningly and knowingly.
‘’Party time?’’
‘’Party time.’’
As they started to talk about random things, JJ let her mind switch off from work and the complications she had been feeling. Still, there was something she couldn’t quite brush off. Something that was causing her to feel a little out of sorts, a little disconnected. She had a sneaking feeling that that feeling was all centred around Emily. Friday had actually been pretty hard for her, due to the domino like affect that had happened. Morgan had interrogated her in the car in the morning, advising her to do something about it. Emily had looked at her in that way, offering her dinner and had actually lived up to it. Garcia had told her to tell her, or at least, tell her she was gay. And then that dinner had been amazing. But JJ had still chickened out of telling her anything. Had missed the perfect opportunity when Emily had said ‘he’. It had all happened in the same day. And she was absolutely sure that the brunette was straight after it. So in the space of a day, she went from having a little hope to having that door slammed in her face. Leaving her to try and shake it off, but not quite managing.
Still, Bella helped. Catching her up with their circle of friends’ goings on and making her laugh so hard that her stomach actually hurt. It hadn’t been long until their other friend Amber had arrived, and the banter had really started going. JJ had found it easier to be part of that, fooling around with her friends and starting to get ready much to Bella’s relief.
Eventually, after relaxing and messing around, also modelling a variety of outfits upon her two friends’ insistence, they headed out to their favourite and regular club. It wasn’t very well known. Actually, it was a little hidden away, making you have to know where to go to get to it. Of course, that had been done on purpose, making it an intimate little place that was more word of mouth than anything. Particularly among professional women. It gave a lot of women anonymity, letting them be themselves without any hassle. You could definitely just relax and have a good time there, that’s why JJ liked it so much. And even the times that she had come face to face with a reporter she recognised or two, there hadn’t been a problem.
The club played a lot of rock, the heavier beats. Anything you could dance to, really. Songs with the dirty bases that ran straight through your person, adding to the heat that you never failed to find in there. The atmosphere was thick and raw, one you could get lost in, but one that was actually comfortable too. If you weren’t in that frame of mind, there were more chilled areas to take breathers in.
Apparently, they were the last three to arrive, given that the other girls were huddled around together near the bar with some drinks. Immediately, JJ felt herself relax a little more as they group welcomed them, hugs being given all around. She was beginning to feel a little better, being around this group made you feel energetic.
JJ had dressed like she had been ordered to dress, but secretly, she had been intending to wear what she was anyway. She just let Bella and Amber think that they had control over her wardrobe choices. Again, another pair of jeans that would never in a million years been suitable for work. Low cut and rather fitting with one of her favourite belts. Along with those a red strappy top, something that again, fit rather snugly. And the white tribly hat that Bella had insisted that she wear to complete the outfit. It didn’t even register to her for quite some time that the ensemble turned a lot of heads, too interested in her friends to care right then.
After the marathon catch up, many sexual innuendos, introductions to a couple of new girlfriend’s of a couple of her friend’s and a few drinks, the group had hit the dance floor. She found it easy to go with the beat, as she usually did. It was heavy and powerful, and she found herself able to just shut down her thoughts and let her body move how it wanted to. She danced either with a friend, or on her own, lost in the feel of the flow, letting the case wither away from her bit by bit. It was intense and cathartic, and exactly what she needed. She stayed like that, song after song, letting herself get lost.
Eventually though, when she came back to herself, JJ indicated that she was heading over to the bar, wanting a little time out. A little time to herself. After exorcising a few things out on the dance floor, she just wanted to breath for a little bit. Now that she had come up for air as it were, she realised that she was still left with that feeling she had earlier. It was harder to shake off than she had thought it would be.
Still, the blonde was still a lot happier. Had still vented some things, and was actually having a good time. She smirked as she passed her friends, rolled her eyes as she spied Bella making out with some girl off in a corner. Shaking her head as she chuckled to herself, JJ made her way over to the bar. Looking down it, she knew it would be a few minutes until she got served, so she turned back to watch some of her friends. Amber was doing some pretty funky dancing on the dance floor, and everyone seemed to be having a great time. That made her feel good. It reminded her just why she did what she did. So people were free to be themselves and do what they wanted to do.
As someone cleared their throat pointedly behind her, JJ snapped out of it and turned around to sheepishly face the waiting bartender. A highly disgruntled bartender actually, that she was surprised would serve her after the…miscommunication that they had had.
‘’Erm…water, please?’’
The redheaded woman nodded, moving off silently to go and grab a bottle of water from one of the fridges. As she did, a dark brunette woman slipped up to the bar beside the waiting Agent.
‘’Hey there. Sam.’’
Upon being offered a hand from the woman, JJ shook it politely.
‘’JJ, hi.’’
Immediately, JJ couldn’t help but take notice of the striking woman. She was perhaps an inch or two taller than her, putting her somewhere around 5’8, 5’9. She seemed slender, athletic even. Her hair was a nice shade of dark brown that matched her eyes, and her facial features were beautiful. Generally, the woman was just hot.
‘’I’ve been watching you tonight.’’
The stranger said, smirking a little as she made no effort to hide the fact that she was letting her eyes move up and down JJ’s body lustfully.
‘’Oh really, why’s that?’’
The blonde replied coyly, gaining that strange air of confidence she held with women. It helped when she definitely knew they were interested, and there was no doubt that this woman was interested.
‘’I like the way you move.’’
Sam stated, simply yet also seductively. JJ took the water bottle that the bartender came back with, handing over the money for it but keeping her attention on the brunette. She felt the familiar signs of attraction wrapping themselves around her. Instantly thought about how good it would be to taste those lips and explore that body.
‘’Thanks.’’
‘’No problem. You run, don’t you?’’
JJ quirked an eyebrow, smirking a little as she did.
‘’Amongst other things. How closely were you watching, exactly?’’
‘’Close enough. You wanna dance?’’
‘’Sure.’’
Like a moth to a flame, JJ followed the brunette back toward the dance floor, desire having filled up both her eyes and her body. As she passed her friends, she thrust her bottle at one of them carelessly, ignoring the round of knowing laughs as she passed them by, moving into the mass of grinding bodies.
Sam turned, smirking as JJ stepped into her personal bubble as they both followed the music. The bass moved through them both, and the surrounding heat hit them. As they moved freely, enticingly, they gravitated closer still, until they were moving as one. Until the movement became more of a grind, with hands on sides and hips.
It was Sam that made the next move, closing the small gap between them to kiss JJ, who readily accepted it. Who had been waiting for it, because she wasn’t willing to give an inch right now, wanting to make Sam do the work.
It was deep and hungry, matching the want in their eyes and the heat of the moment. Tongues roamed, duelled and explored intently, making bodies respond and throb as it was felt along every inch. It made the rest of the world disappear, made the thundering music fade away. And oddly enough, it made JJ have a moment of clarity. Enough so that she pulled away from Sam’s mouth, panting heavily as a small frown covered her face.
Her moment of realisation was confirmed as she just looked at the other woman intently, even almost darkly. Sam was a striker for Emily. Freakily so.
‘’What’s the matter?’’
Shaking her head, JJ stuttered as she unwrapped herself from the stranger, mind clouding over in shock as she tried to step back. There wasn’t much room to move, and she was finding it hard to breathe.
‘’Nothing I just…I’m sorry, I can’t do this.’’
‘’What?’’
Sam’s shocked, and slightly pissed of question made JJ stall her ultimate panic for a moment, enough to look at her apologetically. She at least owed the woman an explanation at why she had run from hot to cold.
‘’You’re beautiful, and on any other night before this…but I’m just not into it.’’
‘’Why?’’
JJ sighed, internally wincing at that damn realisation. Sam was a dead ringer for Emily. But she wasn’t Emily. And Emily was the one she couldn’t get out of her head. The one she wanted. The one that she, evidently, could not replace.
‘’You remind me too much of someone.’’
She answered honestly. That’s what everyone always told her she was, right? Honest. The honest heartbreaker.
‘’Oh.’’
‘’I’m sorry.’’
Leaving the floor and Sam standing dejectedly in it still, JJ walked back to her friends, taking her water as she once again passed them down. She didn’t need to look at them to tell how confused they were, and concerned. But she strode on, definitely wanting to be alone this time.
Climbing up the stairs by the end wall of the club, she came away from the noise and the heat, the mass of bodies and chattering voices. She moved up onto the walkway to seek solace, still thrown by what had just happened. She had never copped out like that before, ever.
Leaning on the railing, JJ breathed deeply, looking upon the hustle beneath her. Unscrewing the top of her water, she took a long drink in an effort to help calm her down a little. The quietness helped too.
Okay, so maybe what she had thought earlier was wrong. Maybe the change inside of her was happening without her control. Maybe she wanted Emily more than she thought. Maybe she really didn’t want to play the game anymore, with or without the older brunette. What she seemingly certainly didn’t want was some replacement. It wasn’t fair to her, it wasn’t fair to Emily, and it wasn’t fair to the girls like Sam. In fact, it was just plain wrong.
Garcia’s words began to echo in her mind. Maybe this was her way of telling herself to be honest to the one person it counted on. She was with everyone else, so why not Emily? Maybe it would help her resolve some feelings. If she talked to her about it, maybe she could move on?
Pulling out her blackberry, JJ was so tempted. Seeing however, that she had missed no calls and there were no unread texts, she sighed and replaced it into her pocket. Now was certainly not the time. Emily would just think she was being stupid, that she was drunk and not thinking properly. Emily would probably think a lot of things if she really found out about the choices she had made.
Honestly, even if there was a chance, why would someone like her actually want her? She was just a farm kid that liked to screw around, and Emily was so much more than that. But deep down, somewhere very deep down, JJ knew that she was more than a farm kid that liked the screw around. That only made it worse.
‘’Get your ass out of this rut Jennifer. You can’t have her, move on.’’
Author: darkbardzero
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairings: Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau
Ratings: 15
Warnings: Mature adult themes and bad language.
Disclaimers: All things Criminal Minds belong to people other than me. I just write stuff.
A/N: A huge thank you to my awesome girlfriend who keeps encouraging me and betaing for me, wouldn't have posted without her. Loves and hugs to my girl!
XXX
By the time Saturday afternoon rolled around, JJ had finally managed to relax. After her dinner with Emily, and even though her feelings were a tangled mess around that, she felt pretty good. Like she had told the older Agent, she had picked up some essentials from the store on the way home. When she had gotten home however, she had been so tired that the only thing she had done was shower and crawl into a much missed bed. She had slept the whole night through, and allowed herself to have a rather good sleep in.
Now, JJ found herself responding to the sound of the doorbell being pressed insistently. Moving through the house, she got to the door and pulled it open to be greeted by a light brunette woman, who immediately dropped her wide grin as she took in her state of being in some cotton pants and a vest.
‘’You’re not ready. Why aren’t you ready?’’
Came the immediate demand as her friend gawked at her with something nothing short of dismay running through hazel eyes. JJ was used to her friend’s abrasiveness, but she still raised an eyebrow at the greeting. Plus, why the hell would she be ready now?
‘’Be-cause we have 2 hours before we meet the girls?’’
She answered lightly, showing her confusion and adding a simple tone to her voice. Bella liked to be ready early, she knew. But two hours was a little over the top.
‘’Jennifer…’’
JJ rolled her eyes and turned away from the door, beginning to walk down the hallway back toward the kitchen, leaving the door open for her friend.
‘’Don’t call me Jennifer.’’
She warned, hearing the door close behind Bella.
‘’…that is no excuse. You’re a woman. A very hot woman that is seriously in denial that she needs to sleep with me, but a woman none the less. Take this time to groom!’’
Bella completely ignored JJ’s warning, breezily continuing on as she followed JJ back into the kitchen. Sometimes she just couldn’t understand her sassy blonde friend. JJ would always leave a stupidly small space of time to get ready in. And although she always got ready within that time, and always looked gorgeous, Bella still did not approve. It wasn’t as though she was some girly diva herself or something, but they were hard working women that deserved to pamper themselves once in a while.
Getting back into the kitchen, JJ went to the breakfast counter where she had been, then simply quirked an eyebrow at the brunette. She had met Bella a few years ago when some mutual friends had had a party, and they had gotten along like a house on fire. There was something about her that was just captivating. Something underneath the bluster and bravado, the cockiness and the arrogance.
‘’What?’’
‘’You’re full of shit. And I am not in denial, I just don’t want to sleep with you!’’
JJ responded dryly, rolling her eyes gently as she smirked a little. That had also been an ongoing theme since they had made friends. Bella was a beautiful girl; actually if JJ was honest she was more than that. However, the attraction wasn’t there. And if it ever had chance to be, becoming such good friends had made her blind to it. She loved Bella, loved all that sweet talking confidence, how cocky she was, loved seeing the heart of gold underneath. She was fun to be around, and she had always been there for her.
‘’See, right there! Denial baby!’’
Bella insisted, pointing at JJ with a huge smug grin on her face. JJ just scoffed in amusement, rolling her eyes again as he shook her head before picking up the last half of the bagel she had been eating as she was flipping through the afternoon paper. Out the corner of her eye she saw Bella shrug before making herself comfortable on one of the stools on the other side of the counter.
‘’Well, seeing as we’ll be cooling our heels for a while, you got any beer?’’
Nodding, JJ walked over to the fridge and pulled out two bottles, handing one to Bella as she returned to her position at the counter.
‘’Amber should be here soon.’’
‘’Another chick that wants to sleep with me!’’
Bella grinned, wagging her eyebrows suggestively before taking a mouthful of her beer. Sometimes Bella would remind JJ of Garcia when she was being perverted and lecherous, because Garcia got that same look when she was drooling over Morgan.
‘’Ah ha.’’
She responded flatly, sipping the beer before turning a page in the paper, knowing full well that Bella was watching her thoughtfully.
‘’So, what has your fine self been up to today? Taking it easy I hope, seeing as you worked like, a gazillion hours this week.’’
JJ just nodded simply.
‘’I slept in, cleaned up some, went shopping for the old lady across the street…’’
‘’Awww, you can take the girl outta the farm but not the farm outta the girl!’’
The brunette teased sweetly, her whisky voice mischievous.
‘’Shut up! Did some stuff. Talked to my niece on the video chat. I just came back from a run, which is why I’m not dressed.’’
Bella nodded, thinking that was as good a rest JJ was going to have. She never sat still for long, so that was pretty much a light day for her. At least she had slept in. And she knew that she enjoyed talking to her niece. Despite certain family issues, JJ missed them, that much was pretty obvious. Especially the kid.
She blinked a little as JJ began to move, absently pottering around and putting things in the kitchen away. As she reached up to put something in one of the higher cupboards, Bella propped her head up on the counter and sighed dreamily.
‘’Stop looking at my ass.’’
JJ ordered, not even having to turn around to know that was exactly what Bella was doing.
‘’Can’t help it.’’
JJ turned around again, eyebrows quirked.
‘’How long have we been friends?’’
‘’Five years.’’
‘’And you still think it’s going to happen?’’
She questioned lightly. It wasn’t as though she thought Bella was going to stop any time soon thought. Her friend was incorrigible. They always fooled around with one another, trading in comments like that. But deep down, they both knew that for Bella, the attraction really was there. Had always been there.
‘’Hey, a girl can dream, right? We’re entitled to our dream woman fantasies, thank you very much.’’
JJ looked up quickly, somewhat surprised at the comment. The soft sincerity behind the jokey tone had rang clear in her ears, and as she looked at Bella she could see the truth of her statement somewhere deep in her eyes.
‘’Dream woman?’’
Scoffing, Bella flailed a little, an almost pained look appearing on her beautiful face as she rolled her eyes, straining to make her point. Straining to try and get it into JJ’s head for once. God her friend was seriously in need of a reality check.
‘’Oh c’mon, check yourself out in the mirror sometime JJ. Why do you think women fall over themselves to be with you? Some of them even know your reputation and they don’t care.’’
‘’I do not have a reputation.’’
JJ huffed defensively, glowering across the counter.
‘’Honey you damn well do and you know it. You’re the elusive, mysterious heartbreaker.’’
Bella countered, knowing that JJ already knew about that. For some reason JJ could never accept the state of her unbelievable hotness, or why said women flocked to her. It had been something Bella had been trying to get through to her since they met, but it had never worked. JJ was too modest, didn’t really have the capacity to be brash and arrogant about it, which she clearly could have been. But that’s why she was such a cool person. Bella didn’t think it would suit JJ if she adopted an attitude like hers. The blonde could be confident with women whilst she was with them, but overall, it just wasn’t there. She was too stoic for that, too pleasant. She saw too much out there in the world, and hurt a lot because of it. She was the laid back girl from a small town, had taught to be humble.
There was something else that Bella had become highly aware of this last year or so. Especially in these last few months. JJ was in pain. Not an obvious, screaming pain, but it was there nonetheless. She knew her friend better than she thought; those eyes of hers betrayed her sometimes. And when once there had been a certain something in the pools of blue when she met a girl someplace; now it was just emptiness. Now it was replacement for something. Now it was about the need to be with another person, like she was trying to fill this void inside, but actually would never let herself connect with anyone long enough.
‘’Yeah well, that may be coming to an end.’’
‘’JJ don’t swear.’’
Bella gasped in mock horror, knowing that JJ was not in a position to talk about most of it. And if Bella let on that she knew more than she had said, it would make her recoil. So she played her roll of the one track minded player.
‘’I mean it. I’m sick of it. I’ve been sick of it for a long time.’’
‘’So why do you do it?’’
‘’Because it’s the only thing I can do. It doesn’t matter, just forget I said anything.’’
JJ gazed at the counter, trying to push the image of Emily’s hand covering her own out of her head. On her run earlier, she had come to some conclusions. That this wasn’t her anymore. This lifestyle wasn’t her anymore. And she could accept that. Because she was Jennifer Jareau, and she didn’t back down from challenges, no matter how hard they were. She had made it all the way to the fricking FBI. Into the BAU, of all things. The work she did there was full on and exhaustingly hard. But she didn’t back down. If she needed to move on in herself now, then she would work on doing that.
This wasn’t her anymore, but she didn’t regret anything. She didn’t regret the girls, the lack of complications, the reputation. She had made choices, she had lived those choices, and she was still a damn good person. She was still surrounded by the best friends anyone could ask for.
However, she had also acknowledged that unless it was with Emily, she wasn’t quite ready to take a step forward yet. If she couldn’t have Emily, which she knew she couldn’t, then she wasn’t interested. It would take someone worth moving on for to get her to do it, she was sure of it. There were little things she could change in the meantime.
‘’JJ, if you need to talk…’’
‘’I’m fine. Just a tough week at work, is all.’’
She brushed off quickly, visibly shaking the mood away from her, looking back up as Bella grunted grumpily.
‘’I hate your job. What’s more, I can’t believe I hang out with someone so responsible as you. You’re like, really grown up. With an important job and everything! Shit, you carry a gun for crying out loud. Which is just beyond hot, by the way. But sometimes, you’re on my TV screen and I’m like ‘damn, that’s one of my best friends’, you know?’’
Bella flailed in her exasperation, still having an air of bewilderment that she actually knew someone like JJ. It was so weird to see her be all authorative and assertive with the press, be all Agent Jareau like, when she had seen her as JJ. She had been to parties with her, seen her drink grown men under the table, seen her pick up girls, seen her dance, seen her fooling around playing air guitar to music. She had seen her hung over in the morning. She knew her likes and dislikes. And yet, there she was. This tough, kick ass FBI Agent that went from place to place helping to stop serial killers. Who knew people like that?! So responsible and grown up.
‘’Bella?’’
‘’What?’’
‘’You’re a nurse!’’
JJ pointed out incredulously, laughing when Bella laughed too.
‘’Well…yeah. But I’m an immature one. And really, let’s be honest…the uniforms made me do it!’’
She reasoned, making JJ laugh and shake her head. The thing was JJ could absolutely buy that if she wanted to. Bella must have hit up half the hospital at least. But she knew that it wasn’t the only reason. She had wanted to help in her own way too.
‘’I don’t get shot at, or see the things you see. I don’t hunt serial killers. That’s just…that’s just wow, you know?’’
The brunette continued, reminding JJ of Emily’s words last night. Or well, the lack of being able to find a description for it. Like it was just so beyond surreal that there was simply never going to be a word for it.
‘’Yeah. It’s a little surreal for me too sometimes. The kid from the farm in the most elite unit of the FBI. I feel like I shouldn’t be there sometimes.’’
JJ admitted, taking in a breath. Somehow, it always seemed like the others had a reason for being there. Hotch had been to Harvard, studied law to become a prosecutor. And when that hadn’t been enough for him, when he started thinking his job came too late to help, he joined the FBI. And Hotch, everyone knew, had had an abusive Father.
Reid had a mind that never stopped, allowing him to gain the three PhD’s he had and the handful of BA’s too. He was so young, so innocent, that it horrified him what went on in the world. And his experience with his family, his Father abandoning him and his Mother being a paranoid schizophrenic had spurred him in this line of work. So jarred by the world that he needed to do something about it. Needed to put his genius to use.
Morgan had grown up in Chicago, surrounded by gangs and crime. His Father had been killed, leaving his Mother to raise him and his sisters alone. And as though staying on the right track hadn’t been hard enough, the man that was supposed to be a Father figure had abused him. And when he had blown his knee out in college, he hadn’t stopped. He had joined the Chicago PD, and made his way to the FBI.
Gideon had such a profound insight into people that it could literally hurt him. In many ways, he was damned. And like Reid was horrified into making sure he used his knowledge to help, Gideon had done much the same. She was sure there was something else, under the surface. Some trauma that had hit him like the others, but he was so private that she couldn’t tell what it was. But his family breaking apart surely hadn’t helped.
Garcia had lost her parents to a drunk driver, leaving her life in a tailspin. Leaving her to realise that even good people suffered at the hands of terrible things and terrible people. She’d had part of her life stolen away. The people that had taught her, had raised her, had loved her, gone forever, leaving her permanently scared.
Emily. God where did she start with Emily? She was a Prentiss. That statement alone could cover it. In many ways, the brunette would never recover from the abandonment she had suffered as a child. Not the same abandonment that Reid had suffered, or Garcia had suffered. But an abandonment all the same. In fact, it might have been worse. Her parents had been right there in front of her, but never been there for her. Dragged her around the world, and although Emily clearly had made the best of everything, it had still hurt her deeply. Left her with an almost cruel insight into people.
Her? She had grown up with her brothers and her parents on a farm out in rural Pennsylvania. The land was beautiful, and the people although nosey and therefore irritating, tended to be good people. Nothing had ever really happened there. She had suffered no trauma. Her Father wasn’t abusive in any way; her Mother was warm and affectionate. They had taught her many things. Playing soccer had been the only pressure she had really felt in high school, when everyone had pushed and pushed. But that was it. She had gotten her scholarship to Pittsburgh, worked hard, made friends, and accepted the offer from the FBI.
Flying through the academy and gaining high praise from her teachers, she had been offered a few positions. And she had taken one that she knew would lead her onto the BAU. Why?
Why indeed. She couldn’t think of anything that had happened to explain it, other than that she wanted to help people. Other than that she knew she was capable of it.
‘’Why?’’
‘’I don’t know. God, I need to get drunk. I’ve been in a weird mood for a couple of days.’’
‘’Are you okay? Really, are you doing okay?’’
Narrowing her eyes, Bella looked worried as she asked, wondering what the thoughts were in troubled blue eyes.
‘’I’m fine. I just need to let off some steam, is all.’’
As JJ looked at her, she could see the blonde silently asking her to let it go, and help her do that. Instantly, she granted the wish. Grinning widely, she held her arms out a little, as though she was pulling a pose, and wiggled her fingers toward herself.
‘’Well baby, you’ve come to the right girl!’’
JJ laughed before Bella thrust her beer bottled toward her, wiggling it slightly in order to get her to clink it against her own. As she did, Bella grinned further and raised her eyebrows both questioningly and knowingly.
‘’Party time?’’
‘’Party time.’’
As they started to talk about random things, JJ let her mind switch off from work and the complications she had been feeling. Still, there was something she couldn’t quite brush off. Something that was causing her to feel a little out of sorts, a little disconnected. She had a sneaking feeling that that feeling was all centred around Emily. Friday had actually been pretty hard for her, due to the domino like affect that had happened. Morgan had interrogated her in the car in the morning, advising her to do something about it. Emily had looked at her in that way, offering her dinner and had actually lived up to it. Garcia had told her to tell her, or at least, tell her she was gay. And then that dinner had been amazing. But JJ had still chickened out of telling her anything. Had missed the perfect opportunity when Emily had said ‘he’. It had all happened in the same day. And she was absolutely sure that the brunette was straight after it. So in the space of a day, she went from having a little hope to having that door slammed in her face. Leaving her to try and shake it off, but not quite managing.
Still, Bella helped. Catching her up with their circle of friends’ goings on and making her laugh so hard that her stomach actually hurt. It hadn’t been long until their other friend Amber had arrived, and the banter had really started going. JJ had found it easier to be part of that, fooling around with her friends and starting to get ready much to Bella’s relief.
Eventually, after relaxing and messing around, also modelling a variety of outfits upon her two friends’ insistence, they headed out to their favourite and regular club. It wasn’t very well known. Actually, it was a little hidden away, making you have to know where to go to get to it. Of course, that had been done on purpose, making it an intimate little place that was more word of mouth than anything. Particularly among professional women. It gave a lot of women anonymity, letting them be themselves without any hassle. You could definitely just relax and have a good time there, that’s why JJ liked it so much. And even the times that she had come face to face with a reporter she recognised or two, there hadn’t been a problem.
The club played a lot of rock, the heavier beats. Anything you could dance to, really. Songs with the dirty bases that ran straight through your person, adding to the heat that you never failed to find in there. The atmosphere was thick and raw, one you could get lost in, but one that was actually comfortable too. If you weren’t in that frame of mind, there were more chilled areas to take breathers in.
Apparently, they were the last three to arrive, given that the other girls were huddled around together near the bar with some drinks. Immediately, JJ felt herself relax a little more as they group welcomed them, hugs being given all around. She was beginning to feel a little better, being around this group made you feel energetic.
JJ had dressed like she had been ordered to dress, but secretly, she had been intending to wear what she was anyway. She just let Bella and Amber think that they had control over her wardrobe choices. Again, another pair of jeans that would never in a million years been suitable for work. Low cut and rather fitting with one of her favourite belts. Along with those a red strappy top, something that again, fit rather snugly. And the white tribly hat that Bella had insisted that she wear to complete the outfit. It didn’t even register to her for quite some time that the ensemble turned a lot of heads, too interested in her friends to care right then.
After the marathon catch up, many sexual innuendos, introductions to a couple of new girlfriend’s of a couple of her friend’s and a few drinks, the group had hit the dance floor. She found it easy to go with the beat, as she usually did. It was heavy and powerful, and she found herself able to just shut down her thoughts and let her body move how it wanted to. She danced either with a friend, or on her own, lost in the feel of the flow, letting the case wither away from her bit by bit. It was intense and cathartic, and exactly what she needed. She stayed like that, song after song, letting herself get lost.
Eventually though, when she came back to herself, JJ indicated that she was heading over to the bar, wanting a little time out. A little time to herself. After exorcising a few things out on the dance floor, she just wanted to breath for a little bit. Now that she had come up for air as it were, she realised that she was still left with that feeling she had earlier. It was harder to shake off than she had thought it would be.
Still, the blonde was still a lot happier. Had still vented some things, and was actually having a good time. She smirked as she passed her friends, rolled her eyes as she spied Bella making out with some girl off in a corner. Shaking her head as she chuckled to herself, JJ made her way over to the bar. Looking down it, she knew it would be a few minutes until she got served, so she turned back to watch some of her friends. Amber was doing some pretty funky dancing on the dance floor, and everyone seemed to be having a great time. That made her feel good. It reminded her just why she did what she did. So people were free to be themselves and do what they wanted to do.
As someone cleared their throat pointedly behind her, JJ snapped out of it and turned around to sheepishly face the waiting bartender. A highly disgruntled bartender actually, that she was surprised would serve her after the…miscommunication that they had had.
‘’Erm…water, please?’’
The redheaded woman nodded, moving off silently to go and grab a bottle of water from one of the fridges. As she did, a dark brunette woman slipped up to the bar beside the waiting Agent.
‘’Hey there. Sam.’’
Upon being offered a hand from the woman, JJ shook it politely.
‘’JJ, hi.’’
Immediately, JJ couldn’t help but take notice of the striking woman. She was perhaps an inch or two taller than her, putting her somewhere around 5’8, 5’9. She seemed slender, athletic even. Her hair was a nice shade of dark brown that matched her eyes, and her facial features were beautiful. Generally, the woman was just hot.
‘’I’ve been watching you tonight.’’
The stranger said, smirking a little as she made no effort to hide the fact that she was letting her eyes move up and down JJ’s body lustfully.
‘’Oh really, why’s that?’’
The blonde replied coyly, gaining that strange air of confidence she held with women. It helped when she definitely knew they were interested, and there was no doubt that this woman was interested.
‘’I like the way you move.’’
Sam stated, simply yet also seductively. JJ took the water bottle that the bartender came back with, handing over the money for it but keeping her attention on the brunette. She felt the familiar signs of attraction wrapping themselves around her. Instantly thought about how good it would be to taste those lips and explore that body.
‘’Thanks.’’
‘’No problem. You run, don’t you?’’
JJ quirked an eyebrow, smirking a little as she did.
‘’Amongst other things. How closely were you watching, exactly?’’
‘’Close enough. You wanna dance?’’
‘’Sure.’’
Like a moth to a flame, JJ followed the brunette back toward the dance floor, desire having filled up both her eyes and her body. As she passed her friends, she thrust her bottle at one of them carelessly, ignoring the round of knowing laughs as she passed them by, moving into the mass of grinding bodies.
Sam turned, smirking as JJ stepped into her personal bubble as they both followed the music. The bass moved through them both, and the surrounding heat hit them. As they moved freely, enticingly, they gravitated closer still, until they were moving as one. Until the movement became more of a grind, with hands on sides and hips.
It was Sam that made the next move, closing the small gap between them to kiss JJ, who readily accepted it. Who had been waiting for it, because she wasn’t willing to give an inch right now, wanting to make Sam do the work.
It was deep and hungry, matching the want in their eyes and the heat of the moment. Tongues roamed, duelled and explored intently, making bodies respond and throb as it was felt along every inch. It made the rest of the world disappear, made the thundering music fade away. And oddly enough, it made JJ have a moment of clarity. Enough so that she pulled away from Sam’s mouth, panting heavily as a small frown covered her face.
Her moment of realisation was confirmed as she just looked at the other woman intently, even almost darkly. Sam was a striker for Emily. Freakily so.
‘’What’s the matter?’’
Shaking her head, JJ stuttered as she unwrapped herself from the stranger, mind clouding over in shock as she tried to step back. There wasn’t much room to move, and she was finding it hard to breathe.
‘’Nothing I just…I’m sorry, I can’t do this.’’
‘’What?’’
Sam’s shocked, and slightly pissed of question made JJ stall her ultimate panic for a moment, enough to look at her apologetically. She at least owed the woman an explanation at why she had run from hot to cold.
‘’You’re beautiful, and on any other night before this…but I’m just not into it.’’
‘’Why?’’
JJ sighed, internally wincing at that damn realisation. Sam was a dead ringer for Emily. But she wasn’t Emily. And Emily was the one she couldn’t get out of her head. The one she wanted. The one that she, evidently, could not replace.
‘’You remind me too much of someone.’’
She answered honestly. That’s what everyone always told her she was, right? Honest. The honest heartbreaker.
‘’Oh.’’
‘’I’m sorry.’’
Leaving the floor and Sam standing dejectedly in it still, JJ walked back to her friends, taking her water as she once again passed them down. She didn’t need to look at them to tell how confused they were, and concerned. But she strode on, definitely wanting to be alone this time.
Climbing up the stairs by the end wall of the club, she came away from the noise and the heat, the mass of bodies and chattering voices. She moved up onto the walkway to seek solace, still thrown by what had just happened. She had never copped out like that before, ever.
Leaning on the railing, JJ breathed deeply, looking upon the hustle beneath her. Unscrewing the top of her water, she took a long drink in an effort to help calm her down a little. The quietness helped too.
Okay, so maybe what she had thought earlier was wrong. Maybe the change inside of her was happening without her control. Maybe she wanted Emily more than she thought. Maybe she really didn’t want to play the game anymore, with or without the older brunette. What she seemingly certainly didn’t want was some replacement. It wasn’t fair to her, it wasn’t fair to Emily, and it wasn’t fair to the girls like Sam. In fact, it was just plain wrong.
Garcia’s words began to echo in her mind. Maybe this was her way of telling herself to be honest to the one person it counted on. She was with everyone else, so why not Emily? Maybe it would help her resolve some feelings. If she talked to her about it, maybe she could move on?
Pulling out her blackberry, JJ was so tempted. Seeing however, that she had missed no calls and there were no unread texts, she sighed and replaced it into her pocket. Now was certainly not the time. Emily would just think she was being stupid, that she was drunk and not thinking properly. Emily would probably think a lot of things if she really found out about the choices she had made.
Honestly, even if there was a chance, why would someone like her actually want her? She was just a farm kid that liked to screw around, and Emily was so much more than that. But deep down, somewhere very deep down, JJ knew that she was more than a farm kid that liked the screw around. That only made it worse.
‘’Get your ass out of this rut Jennifer. You can’t have her, move on.’’