Didn't We Almost Have It All (3/?)
Title: Didn't We Almost Have It All (3/?)
Author: Maggsie! (me)
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of the characters
Spoilers: Just Henry
A/N: A huge thank you goes to everyone who reviewed and an even bigger one to darkbardzerofor betaing and being an awesome girlfriend. I love you baby.
xxx
JJ sat in her and Emily’s bedroom, her back against the door as silence stretched over the house. She had been in there for an hour or so, she had heard the team leave, she had heard Emily sobbing outside the door, and she heard the low murmurs coming from Henry’s room. But all there was was silence, and JJ hated the silence. The blonde loved to hear the squeals from Henry as he played with Emily; she loved to hear their laughter. But that was gone.
The press liaison could feel her eyes stinging as she wiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. It felt like that was all she had done since they had got back from the hospital; she wasn’t sure how many more she could possibly have. They just kept cascading down her cheeks, and she was finding it harder and harder to breathe.
JJ knew she had to go and see Emily; after all she wasn’t the only one that was hurting. The only trouble was that she had no idea what to say to her wife. Saying sorry didn’t seem sufficient enough for what had happened. She had taken away the baby that Emily had always craved. The blonde knew that the brunette loved Henry as her own, but this would have been Emily’s child. Hers and Emily’s. JJ had no doubt that the profiler was a fantastic mother, and all she wanted to do was give her wife a baby. But in her mind she couldn’t even seem to do that right.
The blonde thought she always did things wrong when it came to the brunette. They had slept together after Reid had been found when he had been abducted. JJ had needed comfort, to be grounded, and Emily had provided that and that was when JJ made the first of her mistakes; she left before the profiler woke up the following morning. The blonde had feelings for Emily, but she hid them. Next there was New Orleans where she met Will, and he flirted with her and made her feel good, just not in the way Emily did. He was a safe option, so JJ had given the Cajun her number and they had starting seeing each other at weekends.
She and Emily never spoke about that night, but the touches and the glances still continued and JJ wouldn’t have changed that for anything. If she couldn’t have a relationship with the brunette then she would take the friendship over nothing any day. But then they had slept together again, after they had had a couple of drinks and again JJ left in the morning. And later on that day, before they had a chance to talk, they had flown to Miami and Will had shown up. The blonde could tell by the look on Emily’s face that she knew they were together, and that face was something she was never able to get out of her head. She loved Emily, but Will was the safe choice. So when the profiler had told her to go for it with Will, even though she was shocked, she went. Looking back, JJ knew that all Emily wanted was the best for her, and she thought the police detective was the best thing for her.
Then JJ found out that she was pregnant, and even though she wanted to be with Emily, the blonde knew that Will would be a great father, and again, he was safe. But then when he suddenly pushed marriage on her in New York and blurted out to the team, including Emily, that she was pregnant, JJ knew there was no way to get out of it. She had seen the devastation in the brunette’s eyes, but the profiler immediately closed it off to offer the blonde her congratulations.
All of it seemed like a life time ago. She had Emily now, and that was all that mattered. Her and Henry. But she couldn’t help but feel that the brunette was going to leave her now because it was her that lost the baby. How could Emily love her now?
Looking down at her wedding ring, she ran her finger along it, turning it around. Bringing it to her mouth she kissed it softly, in a way recommitting herself to Emily. Pulling it away she reached up, and held on to the door handle. She pulled herself up and turned to face the door. She was hesitant and scared of what she’d see on the other side of the door when she saw Emily. She couldn’t bear to watch if Emily was leaving, she couldn’t cope with anything else. She wanted the brunette, but did she want her after this? JJ couldn’t blame the profiler if she didn’t.
Slowly opening the door, she peered her head out and heard nothing. Trying to hold back the sob, she walked towards Henry’s room, needing to see him, to tell him she loved him, that they loved him. Finding his door open, she stopped in the doorway, holding herself up on the wall. This time she didn’t try and stop the sob that came at the sight she saw in front of her. She always loved it when she came home from work to see them the way they were. JJ’s hand went instinctively to her stomach, imagining how Emily would have been with the baby.
She used to dream about waking up and finding Emily playing with Henry and Olivia, or about the four of them going to the park, and the brunette pushing their daughter on the swing. It was all she used to think about, and now all JJ could see was darkness.
Now in front of her was her whole life, everything she lived for. Emily was on Henry’s bed, her body wrapped around his, her arm slung across him so she was pulling him closer against her. All she could hear was their soft breathing and it made JJ feel a little at peace. It always did. But she could see the dark circles under Emily’s eyes; she could see the redness of Henry’s. It was obvious they had both been crying, and that made JJ’s stomach lurch. It made her feel sick; it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for her. They could have been having fun, messing around. Anything but what she saw on their faces which was devastation.
Slowly, JJ walked to the edge of Henry’s bed, and knelt down right in front of Emily’s eye line. Looking at her son, she brushed her hand through his soft hair, the silent tears rolling down her cheeks. Leaning forward she placed a small kiss on his forehead, breathing in the smell of him. She knew he would have been an amazing big brother. He had been so excited about it.
Her hand then moved to caress Emily’s cheek. Running her thumb along it, she leant forward and placed a gentle kiss on the brunette’s nose. Not being able to stop the sob that came, though she tried to cover the noise, she saw Emily’s eyes slowly open. Taking in a deep breath, she just knelt there and they stayed like that, looking in to each other’s eyes for a few minutes, before Emily broke the silence.
“Hey.”
Emily whispered, her own hand coming out to run it along JJ’s arm, relieved when the blonde didn’t pull away. It was probably the first time since the whole thing had happened, that JJ had let her wife touch her. And for that Emily was relieved.
“Hey yourself.”
JJ whispered back, not wanting to wake up Henry. She let out a huge breath, when Emily wiped away her tears with her thumbs. She’d missed the contact with her wife, and she needed it then, she needed to feel grounded. She brought her own hand up to cover Emily’s, giving it a gentle squeeze and giving the brunette a small smile, the tears still streaking down her cheeks.
Emily gently pulled JJ down on to the bed, moving over slightly and taking Henry with her, leaving enough space for the blonde to lie down too. JJ took a minute, looking down at the empty space before back up to meet Emily’s eyes. She could see a range of emotions in the beautiful brown eyes, including love and understanding. Though JJ had no idea how the brunette could understand after losing their baby.
Lightly sniffing, JJ stood up and knelt down on the bed, before lying down on her side, facing Emily with Henry in between them. Her hand went down to gently run through Henry’s hair, sighing before meeting her wife’s gaze again. The blonde shuffled slightly closer, as Emily wrapped her arm around her waist, drawing her in. This is exactly what she needed.
“I’ve...I’ve missed you.”
JJ whispered, her voice cracking with the emotion. Emily couldn’t help the tears that fell from her own eyes, as she watched JJ be overcome with the tears. All she wanted to do was take her pain away, she’d take it herself if she could. Anything to stop the tears coming from JJ. The pain was evident on her face.
“I’ve missed you too baby.”
The brunette said quietly back, not wanting to wake up Henry from his deep sleep that he had fallen in to. She was being honest, she had missed her wife. She had missed the contact, the connection between them. All she wanted to do was reconnect with JJ.
“How has he been?”
The media liaison asked, referring to the little boy squeezed between the pair of them. She had been worried about him, after she had walked off. JJ had regretted it, knowing it would have upset him. He had no idea what had happened, and he didn’t deserve to have her walk away from him without any explanation or anything. She also wondered what the team thought of it. She hadn’t said a word, but she didn’t want too. She had felt crowded, everyone being there, wanting to know how she was. When all she wanted to do was be with her wife and her son, so they could start working through the devastation and sadness together. Exactly how it should be.
JJ had taken away the one thing that Emily always wanted, and now she was determined to make sure to do anything the brunette wanted from her. She owed her.
“Um...he’s been okay, upset, but that was expected. I told him the truth about the baby; I didn’t want to keep him from anything. He asked whether he was going to be a big brother, it broke my heart JJ, seeing him like that. He had been so excited, you know?”
Emily explained, not going into as much detail as she could, so she wouldn’t upset JJ any further. She had seen it before on the job, where mothers had lost their baby. Seen them kill themselves over the guilt, but JJ seemed to be okay, and she was going to be there with her every step of the way. That was a promise; to herself, to Henry, to JJ and them as a family.
“I’m sorry for walking away, I just....I couldn’t handle everyone being there, and then Henry...”
Seeing that JJ was about to lose it again, Emily brought her hand up and cupped the blonde’s cheek, caressing it with her thumb. Wiping away the tears, she moved her hand again to tuck a piece of stray blonde hair behind her wife’s ear, before coming back down to cup her cheek. She smiled softly when JJ leaned in to the touch, nuzzling her hand.
“It’s okay baby, I understand. They understood too, it’s really okay.”
JJ couldn’t quite believe that. How could it be okay, how could Emily be okay when she had lost their baby? How could it ever be okay? She knew she was going to have to do everything in her power, anything Emily wanted, to make it okay again. If she didn’t, she was sure Emily was going to leave her. Leave her for someone that could give her a baby. So she had to do everything the brunette wanted.
Emily leaned across and gave JJ a soft kiss on the lips, before sliding off the bed and walking round to JJ’s side. Leaning across the blonde, she gave Henry a soft kiss on the head, before placing a blanket over his small body. Looking down at her wife, she held out her hand. JJ looked at it for a few seconds, before grabbing hold of it and letting herself be pulled up.
All Emily wanted to do was help make JJ remember everything they had together. To remember that she was loved and cherished but not only her but Henry too. She wanted her to feel special, to feel desirable and to know that she would always have her there to anchor her down. They had been through so much already that although this was one of the most devastating times of both of their lives, Emily fully believed that they could come through the other side of the fire. They could do it together, she was sure of that. She trusted in their strength, trusted in JJ’s strength and her own too. Her own to pull her family close and carry them through this if she had to.
She understood why JJ had pulled away, she honestly did. In the same circumstance the brunette didn’t think for a second that she wouldn’t have done it too. In fact she really thought she’d be fairing much worse than JJ, because JJ just had that light about her. The one everyone saw, the one that made her the little force of nature that she was. She’d be okay. Emily just needed to get her to feel again. Get her to reconnect.
She kissed JJ again after she had helped the blonde stand, and it was tentative and almost shaky from the overwhelming emotion. This had been the first real contact they had had since getting to the hospital. Emily had done her best to get her wife through all of that, but understandably JJ had been less than receptive to being touched. Now though, Emily felt some spark come back to life. JJ was kissing her back, softly and slowly at first. That was a good sign. Right now she could see the light at the end of the tunnel as JJ responded to her, and instinctively her hands moved along JJ’s side.
Emily thought the slight flinch of the blonde’s body was due to the sensitivity of her sides, but it wasn’t. JJ flinched as the brunette’s hands grazed along her stomach. For a second she thought she was going to be sick, as a thick, hot bile churned inside of her due to the touch. Part of her head was screaming, telling her to stop and lock herself away. Another part was whispering to her that something wasn’t right. The thoughts she was having, the feelings, they weren’t supposed to be there. That part of her knew she was in some kind of trouble; that she was spiralling out of control. However, a thick sense of apathy began to set in. Who the fuck cared?
Didn’t she deserve it? She had proved incompetent as a wife, as a Mother and as a woman. She had failed repeatedly. She was wrong. Everything was just so damn wrong. But she kissed Emily back anyway, and she swallowed the thick substance down and continued to let the brunette touch her. She was being soft and gentle and part of her relished that and the other part hated it. Her head was clashing together, all these screams and whispers and everything else contorting into things she didn’t recognise. Things she didn’t want in there. But the water she was in was so high. She was sinking and the part of her that wouldn’t fight was winning. So she was drowning.
Left desolate and ruined, JJ didn’t give a damn if she had to give herself over to keep what she hadn’t lost. To keep Emily in her life somehow, and to keep her little boy too. They would have been so much better off without her but she couldn’t let go, so it wasn’t to save herself that she fought for. It was to make sure she kept them, and she was willing to do anything and everything.
So she took Emily’s offered hand, recognising the look in her eyes that spoke to her in silence, and let her lead her out of Henry’s room and down the hall to their own. She had no idea why Emily would want her but she obviously wanted this, and who was she not to hand it over. She’d hand it over for as long as she ever had to, whatever Henry wanted of her, and whatever Emily wanted of her.
The finality of that thought came with the closing click of the bedroom door.
Author: Maggsie! (me)
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of the characters
Spoilers: Just Henry
A/N: A huge thank you goes to everyone who reviewed and an even bigger one to darkbardzerofor betaing and being an awesome girlfriend. I love you baby.
xxx
JJ sat in her and Emily’s bedroom, her back against the door as silence stretched over the house. She had been in there for an hour or so, she had heard the team leave, she had heard Emily sobbing outside the door, and she heard the low murmurs coming from Henry’s room. But all there was was silence, and JJ hated the silence. The blonde loved to hear the squeals from Henry as he played with Emily; she loved to hear their laughter. But that was gone.
The press liaison could feel her eyes stinging as she wiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. It felt like that was all she had done since they had got back from the hospital; she wasn’t sure how many more she could possibly have. They just kept cascading down her cheeks, and she was finding it harder and harder to breathe.
JJ knew she had to go and see Emily; after all she wasn’t the only one that was hurting. The only trouble was that she had no idea what to say to her wife. Saying sorry didn’t seem sufficient enough for what had happened. She had taken away the baby that Emily had always craved. The blonde knew that the brunette loved Henry as her own, but this would have been Emily’s child. Hers and Emily’s. JJ had no doubt that the profiler was a fantastic mother, and all she wanted to do was give her wife a baby. But in her mind she couldn’t even seem to do that right.
The blonde thought she always did things wrong when it came to the brunette. They had slept together after Reid had been found when he had been abducted. JJ had needed comfort, to be grounded, and Emily had provided that and that was when JJ made the first of her mistakes; she left before the profiler woke up the following morning. The blonde had feelings for Emily, but she hid them. Next there was New Orleans where she met Will, and he flirted with her and made her feel good, just not in the way Emily did. He was a safe option, so JJ had given the Cajun her number and they had starting seeing each other at weekends.
She and Emily never spoke about that night, but the touches and the glances still continued and JJ wouldn’t have changed that for anything. If she couldn’t have a relationship with the brunette then she would take the friendship over nothing any day. But then they had slept together again, after they had had a couple of drinks and again JJ left in the morning. And later on that day, before they had a chance to talk, they had flown to Miami and Will had shown up. The blonde could tell by the look on Emily’s face that she knew they were together, and that face was something she was never able to get out of her head. She loved Emily, but Will was the safe choice. So when the profiler had told her to go for it with Will, even though she was shocked, she went. Looking back, JJ knew that all Emily wanted was the best for her, and she thought the police detective was the best thing for her.
Then JJ found out that she was pregnant, and even though she wanted to be with Emily, the blonde knew that Will would be a great father, and again, he was safe. But then when he suddenly pushed marriage on her in New York and blurted out to the team, including Emily, that she was pregnant, JJ knew there was no way to get out of it. She had seen the devastation in the brunette’s eyes, but the profiler immediately closed it off to offer the blonde her congratulations.
All of it seemed like a life time ago. She had Emily now, and that was all that mattered. Her and Henry. But she couldn’t help but feel that the brunette was going to leave her now because it was her that lost the baby. How could Emily love her now?
Looking down at her wedding ring, she ran her finger along it, turning it around. Bringing it to her mouth she kissed it softly, in a way recommitting herself to Emily. Pulling it away she reached up, and held on to the door handle. She pulled herself up and turned to face the door. She was hesitant and scared of what she’d see on the other side of the door when she saw Emily. She couldn’t bear to watch if Emily was leaving, she couldn’t cope with anything else. She wanted the brunette, but did she want her after this? JJ couldn’t blame the profiler if she didn’t.
Slowly opening the door, she peered her head out and heard nothing. Trying to hold back the sob, she walked towards Henry’s room, needing to see him, to tell him she loved him, that they loved him. Finding his door open, she stopped in the doorway, holding herself up on the wall. This time she didn’t try and stop the sob that came at the sight she saw in front of her. She always loved it when she came home from work to see them the way they were. JJ’s hand went instinctively to her stomach, imagining how Emily would have been with the baby.
She used to dream about waking up and finding Emily playing with Henry and Olivia, or about the four of them going to the park, and the brunette pushing their daughter on the swing. It was all she used to think about, and now all JJ could see was darkness.
Now in front of her was her whole life, everything she lived for. Emily was on Henry’s bed, her body wrapped around his, her arm slung across him so she was pulling him closer against her. All she could hear was their soft breathing and it made JJ feel a little at peace. It always did. But she could see the dark circles under Emily’s eyes; she could see the redness of Henry’s. It was obvious they had both been crying, and that made JJ’s stomach lurch. It made her feel sick; it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for her. They could have been having fun, messing around. Anything but what she saw on their faces which was devastation.
Slowly, JJ walked to the edge of Henry’s bed, and knelt down right in front of Emily’s eye line. Looking at her son, she brushed her hand through his soft hair, the silent tears rolling down her cheeks. Leaning forward she placed a small kiss on his forehead, breathing in the smell of him. She knew he would have been an amazing big brother. He had been so excited about it.
Her hand then moved to caress Emily’s cheek. Running her thumb along it, she leant forward and placed a gentle kiss on the brunette’s nose. Not being able to stop the sob that came, though she tried to cover the noise, she saw Emily’s eyes slowly open. Taking in a deep breath, she just knelt there and they stayed like that, looking in to each other’s eyes for a few minutes, before Emily broke the silence.
“Hey.”
Emily whispered, her own hand coming out to run it along JJ’s arm, relieved when the blonde didn’t pull away. It was probably the first time since the whole thing had happened, that JJ had let her wife touch her. And for that Emily was relieved.
“Hey yourself.”
JJ whispered back, not wanting to wake up Henry. She let out a huge breath, when Emily wiped away her tears with her thumbs. She’d missed the contact with her wife, and she needed it then, she needed to feel grounded. She brought her own hand up to cover Emily’s, giving it a gentle squeeze and giving the brunette a small smile, the tears still streaking down her cheeks.
Emily gently pulled JJ down on to the bed, moving over slightly and taking Henry with her, leaving enough space for the blonde to lie down too. JJ took a minute, looking down at the empty space before back up to meet Emily’s eyes. She could see a range of emotions in the beautiful brown eyes, including love and understanding. Though JJ had no idea how the brunette could understand after losing their baby.
Lightly sniffing, JJ stood up and knelt down on the bed, before lying down on her side, facing Emily with Henry in between them. Her hand went down to gently run through Henry’s hair, sighing before meeting her wife’s gaze again. The blonde shuffled slightly closer, as Emily wrapped her arm around her waist, drawing her in. This is exactly what she needed.
“I’ve...I’ve missed you.”
JJ whispered, her voice cracking with the emotion. Emily couldn’t help the tears that fell from her own eyes, as she watched JJ be overcome with the tears. All she wanted to do was take her pain away, she’d take it herself if she could. Anything to stop the tears coming from JJ. The pain was evident on her face.
“I’ve missed you too baby.”
The brunette said quietly back, not wanting to wake up Henry from his deep sleep that he had fallen in to. She was being honest, she had missed her wife. She had missed the contact, the connection between them. All she wanted to do was reconnect with JJ.
“How has he been?”
The media liaison asked, referring to the little boy squeezed between the pair of them. She had been worried about him, after she had walked off. JJ had regretted it, knowing it would have upset him. He had no idea what had happened, and he didn’t deserve to have her walk away from him without any explanation or anything. She also wondered what the team thought of it. She hadn’t said a word, but she didn’t want too. She had felt crowded, everyone being there, wanting to know how she was. When all she wanted to do was be with her wife and her son, so they could start working through the devastation and sadness together. Exactly how it should be.
JJ had taken away the one thing that Emily always wanted, and now she was determined to make sure to do anything the brunette wanted from her. She owed her.
“Um...he’s been okay, upset, but that was expected. I told him the truth about the baby; I didn’t want to keep him from anything. He asked whether he was going to be a big brother, it broke my heart JJ, seeing him like that. He had been so excited, you know?”
Emily explained, not going into as much detail as she could, so she wouldn’t upset JJ any further. She had seen it before on the job, where mothers had lost their baby. Seen them kill themselves over the guilt, but JJ seemed to be okay, and she was going to be there with her every step of the way. That was a promise; to herself, to Henry, to JJ and them as a family.
“I’m sorry for walking away, I just....I couldn’t handle everyone being there, and then Henry...”
Seeing that JJ was about to lose it again, Emily brought her hand up and cupped the blonde’s cheek, caressing it with her thumb. Wiping away the tears, she moved her hand again to tuck a piece of stray blonde hair behind her wife’s ear, before coming back down to cup her cheek. She smiled softly when JJ leaned in to the touch, nuzzling her hand.
“It’s okay baby, I understand. They understood too, it’s really okay.”
JJ couldn’t quite believe that. How could it be okay, how could Emily be okay when she had lost their baby? How could it ever be okay? She knew she was going to have to do everything in her power, anything Emily wanted, to make it okay again. If she didn’t, she was sure Emily was going to leave her. Leave her for someone that could give her a baby. So she had to do everything the brunette wanted.
Emily leaned across and gave JJ a soft kiss on the lips, before sliding off the bed and walking round to JJ’s side. Leaning across the blonde, she gave Henry a soft kiss on the head, before placing a blanket over his small body. Looking down at her wife, she held out her hand. JJ looked at it for a few seconds, before grabbing hold of it and letting herself be pulled up.
All Emily wanted to do was help make JJ remember everything they had together. To remember that she was loved and cherished but not only her but Henry too. She wanted her to feel special, to feel desirable and to know that she would always have her there to anchor her down. They had been through so much already that although this was one of the most devastating times of both of their lives, Emily fully believed that they could come through the other side of the fire. They could do it together, she was sure of that. She trusted in their strength, trusted in JJ’s strength and her own too. Her own to pull her family close and carry them through this if she had to.
She understood why JJ had pulled away, she honestly did. In the same circumstance the brunette didn’t think for a second that she wouldn’t have done it too. In fact she really thought she’d be fairing much worse than JJ, because JJ just had that light about her. The one everyone saw, the one that made her the little force of nature that she was. She’d be okay. Emily just needed to get her to feel again. Get her to reconnect.
She kissed JJ again after she had helped the blonde stand, and it was tentative and almost shaky from the overwhelming emotion. This had been the first real contact they had had since getting to the hospital. Emily had done her best to get her wife through all of that, but understandably JJ had been less than receptive to being touched. Now though, Emily felt some spark come back to life. JJ was kissing her back, softly and slowly at first. That was a good sign. Right now she could see the light at the end of the tunnel as JJ responded to her, and instinctively her hands moved along JJ’s side.
Emily thought the slight flinch of the blonde’s body was due to the sensitivity of her sides, but it wasn’t. JJ flinched as the brunette’s hands grazed along her stomach. For a second she thought she was going to be sick, as a thick, hot bile churned inside of her due to the touch. Part of her head was screaming, telling her to stop and lock herself away. Another part was whispering to her that something wasn’t right. The thoughts she was having, the feelings, they weren’t supposed to be there. That part of her knew she was in some kind of trouble; that she was spiralling out of control. However, a thick sense of apathy began to set in. Who the fuck cared?
Didn’t she deserve it? She had proved incompetent as a wife, as a Mother and as a woman. She had failed repeatedly. She was wrong. Everything was just so damn wrong. But she kissed Emily back anyway, and she swallowed the thick substance down and continued to let the brunette touch her. She was being soft and gentle and part of her relished that and the other part hated it. Her head was clashing together, all these screams and whispers and everything else contorting into things she didn’t recognise. Things she didn’t want in there. But the water she was in was so high. She was sinking and the part of her that wouldn’t fight was winning. So she was drowning.
Left desolate and ruined, JJ didn’t give a damn if she had to give herself over to keep what she hadn’t lost. To keep Emily in her life somehow, and to keep her little boy too. They would have been so much better off without her but she couldn’t let go, so it wasn’t to save herself that she fought for. It was to make sure she kept them, and she was willing to do anything and everything.
So she took Emily’s offered hand, recognising the look in her eyes that spoke to her in silence, and let her lead her out of Henry’s room and down the hall to their own. She had no idea why Emily would want her but she obviously wanted this, and who was she not to hand it over. She’d hand it over for as long as she ever had to, whatever Henry wanted of her, and whatever Emily wanted of her.
The finality of that thought came with the closing click of the bedroom door.