fic: Mystery Spot Misunderstanding - 10/? NC-17
Title: Mystery Spot Misunderstanding
Author: wolfish_willow
Pairing: Sam/Gabriel
Rating: NC-17 (holy crap, finally!)
Genre: angst, hurt/comfort
Spoilers: Anything up to and including 5.14
Warnings: none really.
Word Count: 5087
Disclaimer: Not my characters. Just using them for a bit of fun. They belong to Kripke.
Summary: Gabriel goes all angsty, and Sam suffers for it. (AU from 5.14 - so all episodes after My Bloody Valentine are being totally and utterly disregarded. *nodnod*)
Chapter Summary: Gabriel and Sam finally talk about what happened...
A/N 1: beta'd by ladyeternal Thanks so much, bb! Any remaining mistakes are my own.
A/N 2: I am so sorry for taking so long at getting this posted. My muse died on me randomly halfway through writing part 11, and I wanted to finish that before posting this. I finally finished that, so here is part 10. Hopefully y'all haven't forgotten about me. ;)
Masterpost
Things came to Sam gradually as he woke up the next morning. The first thing that registered in his sleep-addled mind was the light shining in the room: how it was just bright enough to be noticed even through his closed eyelids. Next, he noticed warmth enveloping him - not stifling - just enough to leave him feeling boneless and comfortable.
After letting the light and heat soak through him, Sam finally picked up on the feeling of fingers running through his hair, nails scratching softly against his scalp. He almost let himself get lost in the comforting gesture, his body slowly relaxing back into sleep, until he finally remembered.
Remembered Lucifer slowly carding fingers through his hair after every encounter with Gabriel, whispering words of comfort to him, wearing him down until there was no stopping himself from just letting it happen. The memories had him flinching away from touch like he hadn't let himself do in his nightmares. Only when he felt the fingers move out of his hair did he notice the warm chest his head was resting on, the strong heartbeat he felt under his cheek. When Sam looked up, his eyes widened as they landed on Gabriel’s face, staring down at him, hazel eyes soft and concerned.
It hit Sam then that he was awake. Gabriel was holding Sam to him, but he didn’t feel trapped in the archangel’s arms like he had in his nightmares. The angel didn’t grab hold of his hair and rip at it until it hurt, didn’t even touch his head after Sam tensed. And even knowing who they belonged to, the arms around him, holding him, felt good enough that Sam really just wanted to let sleep take him again. But he couldn't let himself relax into Gabriel's embrace; not after he'd been hurt so much, not until he got an explanation. So Sam sat up, shuffling to the other side of the bed and leaning slightly against the headboard behind him. He looked around the room, reassuring himself that it was the room he fell asleep in the night before. The same rickety table stood past Dean's bed, near the window. Same horrible checkered wallpaper; Sam hadn't really noticed how bad the room actually looked until then. But as he took in his surroundings, he was missing something.
"Where's Dean?" he asked, angling himself to face Gabriel. Sam's voice felt rough, like he hadn't spoken in a while. He hadn't realized until then just how little talking he'd done that week.
Gabriel shifted up against the headboard, turning so they could face each other from opposite sides of the bed. "He just went out to get some breakfast. We need to get food in you; you're looking a little thin there, kiddo."
Not like eating is all that appealing after being dumped, Sam thought angrily, wrapping his arms around himself. And food didn't sound all that great while he was stressing over what would happen when he went to sleep, either.
Gabriel sounded so casual, like nothing had changed. Like he hadn't just fought the Devil the night before. Sam unwrapped his arms from his chest, resting them stiffly at his sides as his hands curled into tight fists. He couldn't believe how Gabriel was acting after the hell Sam had been through that week, as though it all hadn't happened. And that was really more than Sam could handle.
"What the hell happened last night, Gabriel?" he demanded, anger flaring inside him at Gabriel's nonchalance.
When Gabriel shifted on the bed again, Sam moved further from him and as close to the edge of the bed as he could without falling over the side. The idea of Gabriel getting any nearer to him caused him to tense all over again, heart beating quicker in his chest. He saw the flash of hurt in the archangel's eyes at his actions, but Sam wasn't going to apologize. There was no use in dwelling on any of that if this was all just another mind game designed by the former Trickster to mess with him some more.
Gabriel sighed across from him, but stopped his movements and looked Sam in the eye, sadness swirling in the hazel depths. "No, Sam. This isn't a mind game."
Sam narrowed his eyes angrily at Gabriel, "You think that you could, I don't know, stay out of my head? 'Cause, honestly, I think it's the least you could do for me right about now."
The expression on Gabriel's face looked pained: his brow scrunched forward, mouth turned down into a frown. The angel's eyes looked suspiciously wet when they focused on Sam once again, "If I'd bothered to look into your mind at all this week, none of this would have even happened, Sam. So, no, I can't - won't - stay out of your head. I'm not going to risk anything like that happening to you ever again. And if that means you lose a little bit of your privacy, then I'm sorry, but I refuse to let anything get by me like that again." The angel's words, which had been sharp and loud, softened as he finished, eyes glancing away from Sam sadly. "This way I know what's going on in that huge head of yours," Gabriel continued, words barely audible as he all but whispered them. "This way I can help you, answer the questions you want answered and I can make sure you understand what I tell you. This way I can keep you from blaming yourself for any of this crap."
Sam averted his gaze, staring at the bed below him rather than at the angel in front of him. He could feel tears prickling at his eyes again and he really wanted nothing more than to just be anywhere else in that moment. Because who else could he really blame? He wanted to put it all on Lucifer and Gabriel, but if he had put up more of a fight then it never would have gotten so messed up. He blinked a few times, thankful that his eyes were under control again. Crying was not on his to-do list of the day.
To make it all worse, Sam wasn't even allowed to wallow in his head for fear of Gabriel listening in. Wasn't it bad enough that he'd had archangels messing with him all week while he slept? Now he had to cope with the knowledge that Gabriel would be in his head for the foreseeable future. As Sam picked at the threads of the worn comforter beneath him he thought about someone combing through his mind, his emotions - it was a terrifying prospect for him, especially given that he had no control over it. And his shoulders sagged under the weight of realizing that he had never really had any control. He felt like shrinking into himself, like maybe that dreamscape hadn't been quite as horrible as he'd thought compared to being awake. Untangling his fingers from the thread of the comforter, Sam crossed his arms over his chest protectively again. It was all he could do to hold himself together when he felt so cracked, like everything was falling apart.
Gabriel's sigh reached his ears, but Sam refused to look up. Rather than unfolding his arms from across his chest, he brought his knees up closer to his body and tucked his legs between his arms and his chest as he leaned more of his weight against the headboard. Gabriel sat across the bed on Sam's left side. The hunter's eyes never left the motel's dingy mattress beneath him. Sam started slightly when Gabriel spoke again.
"I didn't..." he started. Sam heard Gabriel clear his throat before continuing, "I didn't realize... Fine. Just... if you promise that you'll talk to me, answer my questions, I promise I'll stay out of your head. I can see why that would make you uncomfortable considering the week you've had... We just need to talk about this. I figure you've got your own questions for me, too. So, just promise that we're talking about it."
Sam didn't say anything for a long time. He just sat, gripping his knees tight while staring at the bed as he let Gabriel's words sink in. Would it really be so bad talk about what had happened to him? Clenching his hands around his legs, Sam tentatively looked up to meet Gabriel's eyes. The hunter still wasn't sure that he could trust the angel to keep his word, didn't know what he would find behind Gabriel's eyes, but he needed to put this behind him. And he couldn't do that unless he faced everything.
When their eyes met, Sam saw nothing like what he'd seen in his nightmares. The hazel orbs were warm with concern and reassurance. But there was something else hiding there, and the hunter would have sworn it was guilt. Slowly, Sam relaxed his hands and uncurled himself. With his legs no longer pressed to his chest, Sam turned so that he was once again facing Gabriel, determined to see this through. The longer he allowed himself to look, the surer he became that the look in his eyes was a guilty one - Sam should know, he saw it every time he looked in the mirror. But which part of this mess did the archangel feel guilty over?
Sam never got an answer to his question and took that as Gabriel keeping his side of the agreement. He cleared his throat, ready to uphold his side of it.
“Was it you?” he asked quietly. When he was met with a raised eyebrow and a head tilt slightly reminiscent of Castiel, Sam elaborated, “Were you the one who…” He cleared his throat unable to actually say the words, “Or was it really Lucifer?”
“It was really Lucifer, Sam. I promise, I would never do that to you.”
Sam didn’t mention all the times Gabriel had hurt him or his brother before he decided to join their side. It wouldn’t do any good, and he’d long since forgiven the archangel. But the fact that it had happened before left enough room for doubt in Sam’s mind that the question had to be asked. His fingers went back to pulling at the blanket beneath him, but he kept his eyes on Gabriel’s as he spoke again. “Then why do you look so guilty, if it wasn’t you who was hurting me?”
Gabriel’s eyes widened and any other time Sam would have laughed at the incredulous look he’d been given, but that wasn’t an appropriate reaction this time around. They sat in silence once more, though Sam thought that it didn’t feel quite as heavy as it had before. It felt almost charged as he waited for Gabriel to answer his question.
“I should have known!" Gabriel finally burst. "I should have and I didn’t! Lucifer slipped through the wards I set up for you and that never should have happened. But it did. And I didn’t see it! It took me a week - a week, Sam - to see that there was something going on. The possibility never even crossed my mind until I saw the way you reacted to me. Hell, even then I didn’t even think it could have been him.”
“How did he do it?” Sam asked, just as quietly as before, so different from the near-yelling Gabriel had been doing. He was still looking straight at Gabriel, though the archangel had moved his gaze to the space on the bed between them.
“He shouldn’t have even been able to.” It looked like Gabriel was talking more to himself than to Sam until he looked back up and met Sam’s eyes once more. “It wasn’t possible for him to just be able to go into your mind without me knowing. Nobody should be able to hurt what’s mine without my knowledge.”
Sam inhaled sharply. His mind hadn’t even grasped that Gabriel had claimed Sam as his. All he could focus on was the impossibility of Lucifer getting into his mind without Gabriel being aware.
“How can you say you didn’t know what was going on and then say that you would have known, Gabriel? Because that still sounds to me like you must have let him do this.”
"I didn't let him do anything, Sam! I swear to you that I didn't know what was happening. He shouldn't have been able to sneak past those defenses, especially without alerting me. I'm sorry that I let my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn't have let the wards crack..." Gabriel sighed and continued, voice quiet and tired. "When we broke up, I let my guard down. I allowed myself to wallow and Lucifer used that vulnerability against you, and I'm sorry."
The angel was blaming this on him? On the fact that they broke up? Sam stared in disbelief at Gabriel, his eyes narrowing at the archangel as he tried to control his temper. It was no use. He'd been through so much that week that Sam was honestly surprised he'd sat as calmly through Gabriel's explanation as he had.
"You 'allowed yourself to wallow'?" he spat angrily, ignoring the way Gabriel's eyes widened again in shock at the tone of his voice, "You break up with me because of Mystery Spot, because I was too damn pathetic or worthless or idiotic or whatever you want to call it, and now you're blaming this whole week on me, too? What the hell, Gabriel?" Sam pushed himself off the mattress and paced back and forth by the edge of the bed. "I get that I went dark side after I failed to learn your lesson. I couldn't see past my grief and anger and decided to get revenge even though you tried to warn me before all of that happened. But even all that doesn't give you the right to blame this on me."
Gabriel sat for a moment, mouth slightly agape, brows furrowed as he seemed to let Sam's words wash over him. "Blame you? What crazy thoughts are running through that head of yours, Winchester? I'm not blaming you for this. I was blaming me. It was my fault." He made a move to stand, but Sam couldn't keep himself from twitching slightly away at the movement and Gabriel stayed seated on the bed. "You've got this all wrong, Sam. You are not pathetic or worthless. Why the hell would you think that was the reason I broke up with you?"
"The book, Gabriel. I found the book. You told me that Mystery Spot was the reason behind ending it. What else could you have meant?" Sam shifted closer to the bed, but didn't sit down yet. The room was starting to feel warm, closed-in, but he needed to hear what Gabriel had to say. Needed to believe that maybe it wasn't all his fault.
"I killed your brother!" Sam saw Gabriel wince slightly at his own words, though the angel seemed unable to look at him. "I killed him over a hundred times, Sam. I sent you into TV Land and got him shot again. I turned you into a car and tried to get you both to say yes to my brothers. I knew, okay? I knew that you'd remember all of that eventually. That you would realize what I was - have been for so long. You'd leave and I couldn't stand it. I thought that if I left before it got to that point we'd both be better off." Gabriel snorted and rolled his eyes. "We see how well that plan worked out, huh?"
Sam slowly sat back on the mattress across from Gabriel and looked hard at the angel. He wanted to believe this was all a trick. Just another way to get him to let his guard down long enough for the archangel to attack him with something yet again. But Sam kept staring, and as Gabriel's gaze moved to meet his, the man's face looked so pained, lines etched across that shouldn't have been there, that Sam couldn't help but thinking maybe he was being at least partially truthful. And if Gabriel really wanted to mess with Sam, he wouldn't need to try and get his guard down again. He was an archangel, and archangels could do nearly anything they wanted. So Sam kept his eye contact and felt his gaze soften the longer he took in how earnest Gabriel seemed. And when Gabriel shifted closer to him, Sam didn't flinch or move away; just kept his eyes locked with the angel's.
"Did you really kill Lucifer last night?" Sam hated asking the question, but he needed to know that he wasn't imagining things. That it wasn't another one of the Devil's manipulations against him.
"Yes." Gabriel didn't even flinch at the admission of killing his own brother. Sam couldn't help but feel confused. Only minutes before he'd looked broken at the memory of killing Dean, and he hadn't even liked Dean then.
When Gabriel joined their side, he'd made it clear that he wouldn't kill his own brother. Dean had been unlivable for a while, but Sam had understood. There was no way he could ever bring himself to kill Dean and they'd all known from experience that Dean didn't have it in him to kill Sam.
"Why?" It was an important question, Sam knew, so he didn't ask again or say anything else as he waited for an answer. Gabriel looked like he was debating how exactly to say whatever answer he'd come up with. His gaze turned far away and Sam guessed the angel was probably imagining everything from the night before.
When Gabriel looked back up at Sam, though, his eyes were no longer focused on something in the past. Rather, they were focused directly on Sam, and the angel looked as determined as he had in Sam's dream.
Gabriel moved closer to him and didn't stop until he could comfortably rest a hand lightly on Sam's thigh. Sam could feel the heat coming from Gabriel as it seeped through the pants he wore, unable to tear his eyes away from the angel's hand until the weight of Gabriel's gaze finally made him look up. He swallowed thickly when he saw how close their faces were; if Sam leaned slightly forward he would be able to feel every puff of breath from the angel's mouth, but he didn't move.
"I told you, just like I told Lucifer," Gabriel started, reaching with his other hand to grab the back of Sam's head, fingers curling in the hair at the nape of his neck. "No one hurts what's mine. Not without consequences. And Lucifer may have been my brother, but I couldn't let him get away with hurting you, especially like that. I protect the ones I love."
Sam's breath hitched at the words and the memories of Gabriel's words to Lucifer in his dream. How Gabriel wouldn't let Lucifer get his hands on the man Gabriel loved ever again. His eyes widened slightly as it sank in that Gabriel could be telling the truth. It was Lucifer manipulating him the entire time.
He felt his eyes well up with tears again: whether because of everything he'd been through the past week or the fact that Gabriel just declared for the second time that he loved Sam, he wasn't sure.
Suddenly, there were arms wrapped around him and he was being pulled into archangel's chest. Sam burrowed closer, burying his face against Gabriel's neck and breathed deeply. He felt Gabriel shifting them around slowly until Sam found himself being pressed gently back into the mattress, face still hidden against the archangel's shoulder. Minutes ticked by but Sam didn't notice. He let himself get lost in breathing in his angel, feeling safe in Gabriel's arms rather than hurt, and didn't let his thoughts travel to anything beyond the two of them.
After he calmed himself down, Sam pushed back from Gabriel slightly and looked up at the man on top of him. He could only watch as Gabriel rushed forward and took his mouth. His lips parted on a gasp and Gabriel took full advantage, tongue pressing forward softly. Sam moaned at the touch and the sound seemed to drive Gabriel on. The fingers in Sam's hair tightened slightly while Gabriel's other hand slipped under the hem of his shirt, gliding over the fluttering muscles of his stomach.
They broke apart when Sam's need for air forced him back. It wasn't until his head hit the mattress beneath him that Sam felt the difference. The bed was larger than it had been only moments before, softer and more luxurious than any motel bed Sam had ever laid on before. He looked up at the man above him, smiling softly at the gesture as he ran his fingers through Gabriel's hair. Finally being with Gabriel again, the familiar weight on top of him was fantastic. Yes, they had only been apart for a week, but with the nightmares and Lucifer, it had felt so much longer. And changing the motel bed into something better was so sweetly Gabriel that Sam couldn't help arching into the hand still resting on his stomach. Didn't try to stop himself from yearning into that touch.
Gabriel pressed his lips lightly against Sam's again before moving to his cheek, slowly working down Sam's jawline. Sam moaned, fingers clutching Gabriel's back as the angel's teeth scraped at his pulse point, tongue following after, licking away the hurt. He slid his hands down Gabriel's back to push up under his shirt, skin hot beneath his fingertips as they dug into soft flesh.
Sam felt Gabriel's other hand slide down his side to join the other under his shirt right before it was pushed carefully up. He shivered slightly as his overheated skin was hit by the cooler air but slipped his hands from Gabriel's back to lift his arms. The shirt was pulled from him slowly as the angel mouthed at the skin of his chest and up to his collarbone. Sam pulled Gabriel up when his shirt was finally gone, lips meeting in another heated kiss as he gripped the hem of Gabriel's shirt.
"Off," he murmured against soft lips. Sam barely waited before he was ripping Gabriel's shirt up and over the angel's head, not caring where it ended up when he tossed it away. He moaned again, skin on skin driving his senses wild.
They rarely did this. Gabriel was always so impatient; snapping their clothing off was more his style. Gabriel taking his time, undressing Sam himself meant more to the hunter than he ever realized it would. The simple action was enough to make Sam feel cherished; he loved Gabriel making him feel like this. And as Gabriel rid them of the rest of their clothes, Sam wondered how exactly he could deserve any of it. Lucifer's vessel, the one who had been manipulated so easily for as long as he could remember and Gabriel overlooked all of it. Told him that he wasn't pathetic or worthless. Better than that: made him feel like he could have this.
Sam skimmed his hands over the angel's ribs, reveling in the feel of Gabriel's skin under his hands once again. When he looked up it was to find Gabriel looking straight at him, hazel eyes locked on his own. Any of Sam's remaining doubts faded away at the sight before him: eyes that held no hint of that evil, cruel Gabriel from his nightmares. The man above him was his Gabriel: the one who admitted to loving him. The one that killed the Devil for him.
Gabriel pressed a soft kiss to Sam's lips before he worked his way down. Sam tilted his head, giving the angel easier access as he mouthed at his jaw and down his neck. The soft glide of lips across his skin continued down his chest until Gabriel's mouth latched onto one of Sam's nipples causing the human to arch up once more, moaning out his pleasure. The scrape of teeth followed by a soothing tongue had Sam hissing out his breaths, hands restless against Gabriel's skin.
Soon enough the mouth moved on from one nipple to the next and downward until Gabriel swallowed him down whole, causing a yelp to escape Sam's throat. Gabriel pulled back, leaving just the head of Sam's cock in his mouth, and sucked, tongue dipping into the slit. Sam didn't know how he kept himself from thrusting up into that wet heat, but the first touch of slicked fingers at his entrance was enough for him to lose that small bit of control. His hips jerked upwards and pushed back. The fingers kept up their teasing, as did Gabriel's tongue, until Sam was writhing beneath the angel, unable to form a coherent thought.
When he let himself think about the possibility, Sam had thought that, if he and Gabriel got back together, it would be quick and rough and dirty. But Gabriel took his time, slowly slipping one finger in and stretching as well as he could before adding another. Sam didn't know how he didn't come at the first brush against his prostate.
Gabriel let Sam's cock slip from his lips as he worked three fingers in and out, brushing over that sweet spot inside him enough to keep Sam on edge, but not so much that Sam lost it completely. This was all so different than what they had ever had before: so much more; and Sam couldn't control what words spilled from his lips.
"Please, Gabriel... ah... Need... need you..."
His words cut off into a whimper as Gabriel's fingers slipped out of him. Gabriel crawled up his body and kissed him breathless once more before slowly sliding inside him. Sam moaned, having missed the feel of Gabriel stretching him open while they'd been apart, and wrapped his legs around the angel, digging his ankles in and forcing Gabriel further into him.
Once fully sheathed, the angel stopped above him, letting Sam get used to the feeling of being full again. Sam ran his hands up and down Gabriel's back, brushing them through the angel's hair as he let himself adjust. Finally, it was too much for him to stay still any longer.
"Move, please move. Gabriel... fuck," Sam choked out as Gabriel rolled his hips back and pushed in. Sam's moans continued as Gabriel positioned himself to hit that bundle of nerves inside him with each thrust forward. He clutched at the angel's back desperately, pulling them impossibly closer and he knew he wouldn't last long even with the gentle pace, not with all the teasing Gabriel had done while preparing him.
At the press of Gabriel's hand against his left hip Sam nearly flinched back, remembering how painful that touch had become in his nightmares. But the grip stayed light and gentle, like Gabriel knew exactly what Sam's reaction would be, and Sam let himself relax completely. He looked into Gabriel's eyes and knew that this was real. This was his Gabriel, the one who loved him and didn't want to hurt him and Sam tightened the hold of his hands on the angel's back as he gave all of his trust - all of himself - to Gabriel.
Heat bled out from the hand at Sam's hip and his entire body practically hummed in anticipation of this new level they'd reached. Gabriel's eyes over him flashed that intense gold he'd seen the night before, but the ferocity Sam saw in them didn't scare him this time. Sam felt the grace flowing into him from the angel and all he could do was move with Gabriel and clutch restlessly at the skin beneath his hands.
Suddenly Gabriel's other hand grasped his cock and Sam felt a different kind of heat pooling low in his belly as Gabriel stroked with the rythm of his thrusts. There was no chance of holding on and he was coming with Gabriel's name on his lips before he knew what hit him. His vision whited out for blissful seconds as Gabriel continued to pound into him. All Sam heard was a choked out "Close your eyes, Sam", and he was surprised he'd been able to comply so quickly when he felt so thoroughly fucked out, and then Gabriel was coming inside him with a burst of light that Sam could see even through his closed eyes. Heat seared into his left hip, but somehow never turned painful, leaving Sam feeling warm and comforted and loved.
The room was silent but for their panted breaths for long moments before Gabriel slowly pulled out of Sam, hands carefully slipping off of the human. Sam missed Gabriel's warmth and weight the second the angel rolled off of him, but before he had the chance to protest arms wrapped around him and pulled him into Gabriel's chest. He let his head rest over the angel's heart as he calmed his breathing to something resembling normal.
The heartbeat under his head slowed gradually in his ear.
When Sam finally had enough breath left to speak, he lifted his head from the spot against Gabriel and looked up into the angel's once-more hazel eyes. Sam smiled softly and let his emotions show across his face. "I love you, too."
Before Gabriel had the chance to do more than smile Sam rushed forward and pressed soft, slow kisses to Gabriel's lips. When he pulled back, he could see the happiness and utter relief in Gabriel's eyes and knew his must have looked much the same. He leaned in for one more kiss before sighing happily and nuzzling into Gabriel's neck. Sam closed his eyes and let the soothing motions of Gabriel's fingers in his hair lull him back to sleep; despite the bright morning sun shining through the cheap motel curtains, dozing in Gabriel's arms was the best sleep he'd had in a long time. Even longer than this week of nightmares.
Warm and safe and loved, the last thing his mind registered as he drifted off to sleep was the gentle stroke of fingers along the new handprint across his left hip.
Chapter Nine Chapter Eleven
Author: wolfish_willow
Pairing: Sam/Gabriel
Rating: NC-17 (holy crap, finally!)
Genre: angst, hurt/comfort
Spoilers: Anything up to and including 5.14
Warnings: none really.
Word Count: 5087
Disclaimer: Not my characters. Just using them for a bit of fun. They belong to Kripke.
Summary: Gabriel goes all angsty, and Sam suffers for it. (AU from 5.14 - so all episodes after My Bloody Valentine are being totally and utterly disregarded. *nodnod*)
Chapter Summary: Gabriel and Sam finally talk about what happened...
A/N 1: beta'd by ladyeternal Thanks so much, bb! Any remaining mistakes are my own.
A/N 2: I am so sorry for taking so long at getting this posted. My muse died on me randomly halfway through writing part 11, and I wanted to finish that before posting this. I finally finished that, so here is part 10. Hopefully y'all haven't forgotten about me. ;)
Masterpost
Things came to Sam gradually as he woke up the next morning. The first thing that registered in his sleep-addled mind was the light shining in the room: how it was just bright enough to be noticed even through his closed eyelids. Next, he noticed warmth enveloping him - not stifling - just enough to leave him feeling boneless and comfortable.
After letting the light and heat soak through him, Sam finally picked up on the feeling of fingers running through his hair, nails scratching softly against his scalp. He almost let himself get lost in the comforting gesture, his body slowly relaxing back into sleep, until he finally remembered.
Remembered Lucifer slowly carding fingers through his hair after every encounter with Gabriel, whispering words of comfort to him, wearing him down until there was no stopping himself from just letting it happen. The memories had him flinching away from touch like he hadn't let himself do in his nightmares. Only when he felt the fingers move out of his hair did he notice the warm chest his head was resting on, the strong heartbeat he felt under his cheek. When Sam looked up, his eyes widened as they landed on Gabriel’s face, staring down at him, hazel eyes soft and concerned.
It hit Sam then that he was awake. Gabriel was holding Sam to him, but he didn’t feel trapped in the archangel’s arms like he had in his nightmares. The angel didn’t grab hold of his hair and rip at it until it hurt, didn’t even touch his head after Sam tensed. And even knowing who they belonged to, the arms around him, holding him, felt good enough that Sam really just wanted to let sleep take him again. But he couldn't let himself relax into Gabriel's embrace; not after he'd been hurt so much, not until he got an explanation. So Sam sat up, shuffling to the other side of the bed and leaning slightly against the headboard behind him. He looked around the room, reassuring himself that it was the room he fell asleep in the night before. The same rickety table stood past Dean's bed, near the window. Same horrible checkered wallpaper; Sam hadn't really noticed how bad the room actually looked until then. But as he took in his surroundings, he was missing something.
"Where's Dean?" he asked, angling himself to face Gabriel. Sam's voice felt rough, like he hadn't spoken in a while. He hadn't realized until then just how little talking he'd done that week.
Gabriel shifted up against the headboard, turning so they could face each other from opposite sides of the bed. "He just went out to get some breakfast. We need to get food in you; you're looking a little thin there, kiddo."
Not like eating is all that appealing after being dumped, Sam thought angrily, wrapping his arms around himself. And food didn't sound all that great while he was stressing over what would happen when he went to sleep, either.
Gabriel sounded so casual, like nothing had changed. Like he hadn't just fought the Devil the night before. Sam unwrapped his arms from his chest, resting them stiffly at his sides as his hands curled into tight fists. He couldn't believe how Gabriel was acting after the hell Sam had been through that week, as though it all hadn't happened. And that was really more than Sam could handle.
"What the hell happened last night, Gabriel?" he demanded, anger flaring inside him at Gabriel's nonchalance.
When Gabriel shifted on the bed again, Sam moved further from him and as close to the edge of the bed as he could without falling over the side. The idea of Gabriel getting any nearer to him caused him to tense all over again, heart beating quicker in his chest. He saw the flash of hurt in the archangel's eyes at his actions, but Sam wasn't going to apologize. There was no use in dwelling on any of that if this was all just another mind game designed by the former Trickster to mess with him some more.
Gabriel sighed across from him, but stopped his movements and looked Sam in the eye, sadness swirling in the hazel depths. "No, Sam. This isn't a mind game."
Sam narrowed his eyes angrily at Gabriel, "You think that you could, I don't know, stay out of my head? 'Cause, honestly, I think it's the least you could do for me right about now."
The expression on Gabriel's face looked pained: his brow scrunched forward, mouth turned down into a frown. The angel's eyes looked suspiciously wet when they focused on Sam once again, "If I'd bothered to look into your mind at all this week, none of this would have even happened, Sam. So, no, I can't - won't - stay out of your head. I'm not going to risk anything like that happening to you ever again. And if that means you lose a little bit of your privacy, then I'm sorry, but I refuse to let anything get by me like that again." The angel's words, which had been sharp and loud, softened as he finished, eyes glancing away from Sam sadly. "This way I know what's going on in that huge head of yours," Gabriel continued, words barely audible as he all but whispered them. "This way I can help you, answer the questions you want answered and I can make sure you understand what I tell you. This way I can keep you from blaming yourself for any of this crap."
Sam averted his gaze, staring at the bed below him rather than at the angel in front of him. He could feel tears prickling at his eyes again and he really wanted nothing more than to just be anywhere else in that moment. Because who else could he really blame? He wanted to put it all on Lucifer and Gabriel, but if he had put up more of a fight then it never would have gotten so messed up. He blinked a few times, thankful that his eyes were under control again. Crying was not on his to-do list of the day.
To make it all worse, Sam wasn't even allowed to wallow in his head for fear of Gabriel listening in. Wasn't it bad enough that he'd had archangels messing with him all week while he slept? Now he had to cope with the knowledge that Gabriel would be in his head for the foreseeable future. As Sam picked at the threads of the worn comforter beneath him he thought about someone combing through his mind, his emotions - it was a terrifying prospect for him, especially given that he had no control over it. And his shoulders sagged under the weight of realizing that he had never really had any control. He felt like shrinking into himself, like maybe that dreamscape hadn't been quite as horrible as he'd thought compared to being awake. Untangling his fingers from the thread of the comforter, Sam crossed his arms over his chest protectively again. It was all he could do to hold himself together when he felt so cracked, like everything was falling apart.
Gabriel's sigh reached his ears, but Sam refused to look up. Rather than unfolding his arms from across his chest, he brought his knees up closer to his body and tucked his legs between his arms and his chest as he leaned more of his weight against the headboard. Gabriel sat across the bed on Sam's left side. The hunter's eyes never left the motel's dingy mattress beneath him. Sam started slightly when Gabriel spoke again.
"I didn't..." he started. Sam heard Gabriel clear his throat before continuing, "I didn't realize... Fine. Just... if you promise that you'll talk to me, answer my questions, I promise I'll stay out of your head. I can see why that would make you uncomfortable considering the week you've had... We just need to talk about this. I figure you've got your own questions for me, too. So, just promise that we're talking about it."
Sam didn't say anything for a long time. He just sat, gripping his knees tight while staring at the bed as he let Gabriel's words sink in. Would it really be so bad talk about what had happened to him? Clenching his hands around his legs, Sam tentatively looked up to meet Gabriel's eyes. The hunter still wasn't sure that he could trust the angel to keep his word, didn't know what he would find behind Gabriel's eyes, but he needed to put this behind him. And he couldn't do that unless he faced everything.
When their eyes met, Sam saw nothing like what he'd seen in his nightmares. The hazel orbs were warm with concern and reassurance. But there was something else hiding there, and the hunter would have sworn it was guilt. Slowly, Sam relaxed his hands and uncurled himself. With his legs no longer pressed to his chest, Sam turned so that he was once again facing Gabriel, determined to see this through. The longer he allowed himself to look, the surer he became that the look in his eyes was a guilty one - Sam should know, he saw it every time he looked in the mirror. But which part of this mess did the archangel feel guilty over?
Sam never got an answer to his question and took that as Gabriel keeping his side of the agreement. He cleared his throat, ready to uphold his side of it.
“Was it you?” he asked quietly. When he was met with a raised eyebrow and a head tilt slightly reminiscent of Castiel, Sam elaborated, “Were you the one who…” He cleared his throat unable to actually say the words, “Or was it really Lucifer?”
“It was really Lucifer, Sam. I promise, I would never do that to you.”
Sam didn’t mention all the times Gabriel had hurt him or his brother before he decided to join their side. It wouldn’t do any good, and he’d long since forgiven the archangel. But the fact that it had happened before left enough room for doubt in Sam’s mind that the question had to be asked. His fingers went back to pulling at the blanket beneath him, but he kept his eyes on Gabriel’s as he spoke again. “Then why do you look so guilty, if it wasn’t you who was hurting me?”
Gabriel’s eyes widened and any other time Sam would have laughed at the incredulous look he’d been given, but that wasn’t an appropriate reaction this time around. They sat in silence once more, though Sam thought that it didn’t feel quite as heavy as it had before. It felt almost charged as he waited for Gabriel to answer his question.
“I should have known!" Gabriel finally burst. "I should have and I didn’t! Lucifer slipped through the wards I set up for you and that never should have happened. But it did. And I didn’t see it! It took me a week - a week, Sam - to see that there was something going on. The possibility never even crossed my mind until I saw the way you reacted to me. Hell, even then I didn’t even think it could have been him.”
“How did he do it?” Sam asked, just as quietly as before, so different from the near-yelling Gabriel had been doing. He was still looking straight at Gabriel, though the archangel had moved his gaze to the space on the bed between them.
“He shouldn’t have even been able to.” It looked like Gabriel was talking more to himself than to Sam until he looked back up and met Sam’s eyes once more. “It wasn’t possible for him to just be able to go into your mind without me knowing. Nobody should be able to hurt what’s mine without my knowledge.”
Sam inhaled sharply. His mind hadn’t even grasped that Gabriel had claimed Sam as his. All he could focus on was the impossibility of Lucifer getting into his mind without Gabriel being aware.
“How can you say you didn’t know what was going on and then say that you would have known, Gabriel? Because that still sounds to me like you must have let him do this.”
"I didn't let him do anything, Sam! I swear to you that I didn't know what was happening. He shouldn't have been able to sneak past those defenses, especially without alerting me. I'm sorry that I let my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn't have let the wards crack..." Gabriel sighed and continued, voice quiet and tired. "When we broke up, I let my guard down. I allowed myself to wallow and Lucifer used that vulnerability against you, and I'm sorry."
The angel was blaming this on him? On the fact that they broke up? Sam stared in disbelief at Gabriel, his eyes narrowing at the archangel as he tried to control his temper. It was no use. He'd been through so much that week that Sam was honestly surprised he'd sat as calmly through Gabriel's explanation as he had.
"You 'allowed yourself to wallow'?" he spat angrily, ignoring the way Gabriel's eyes widened again in shock at the tone of his voice, "You break up with me because of Mystery Spot, because I was too damn pathetic or worthless or idiotic or whatever you want to call it, and now you're blaming this whole week on me, too? What the hell, Gabriel?" Sam pushed himself off the mattress and paced back and forth by the edge of the bed. "I get that I went dark side after I failed to learn your lesson. I couldn't see past my grief and anger and decided to get revenge even though you tried to warn me before all of that happened. But even all that doesn't give you the right to blame this on me."
Gabriel sat for a moment, mouth slightly agape, brows furrowed as he seemed to let Sam's words wash over him. "Blame you? What crazy thoughts are running through that head of yours, Winchester? I'm not blaming you for this. I was blaming me. It was my fault." He made a move to stand, but Sam couldn't keep himself from twitching slightly away at the movement and Gabriel stayed seated on the bed. "You've got this all wrong, Sam. You are not pathetic or worthless. Why the hell would you think that was the reason I broke up with you?"
"The book, Gabriel. I found the book. You told me that Mystery Spot was the reason behind ending it. What else could you have meant?" Sam shifted closer to the bed, but didn't sit down yet. The room was starting to feel warm, closed-in, but he needed to hear what Gabriel had to say. Needed to believe that maybe it wasn't all his fault.
"I killed your brother!" Sam saw Gabriel wince slightly at his own words, though the angel seemed unable to look at him. "I killed him over a hundred times, Sam. I sent you into TV Land and got him shot again. I turned you into a car and tried to get you both to say yes to my brothers. I knew, okay? I knew that you'd remember all of that eventually. That you would realize what I was - have been for so long. You'd leave and I couldn't stand it. I thought that if I left before it got to that point we'd both be better off." Gabriel snorted and rolled his eyes. "We see how well that plan worked out, huh?"
Sam slowly sat back on the mattress across from Gabriel and looked hard at the angel. He wanted to believe this was all a trick. Just another way to get him to let his guard down long enough for the archangel to attack him with something yet again. But Sam kept staring, and as Gabriel's gaze moved to meet his, the man's face looked so pained, lines etched across that shouldn't have been there, that Sam couldn't help but thinking maybe he was being at least partially truthful. And if Gabriel really wanted to mess with Sam, he wouldn't need to try and get his guard down again. He was an archangel, and archangels could do nearly anything they wanted. So Sam kept his eye contact and felt his gaze soften the longer he took in how earnest Gabriel seemed. And when Gabriel shifted closer to him, Sam didn't flinch or move away; just kept his eyes locked with the angel's.
"Did you really kill Lucifer last night?" Sam hated asking the question, but he needed to know that he wasn't imagining things. That it wasn't another one of the Devil's manipulations against him.
"Yes." Gabriel didn't even flinch at the admission of killing his own brother. Sam couldn't help but feel confused. Only minutes before he'd looked broken at the memory of killing Dean, and he hadn't even liked Dean then.
When Gabriel joined their side, he'd made it clear that he wouldn't kill his own brother. Dean had been unlivable for a while, but Sam had understood. There was no way he could ever bring himself to kill Dean and they'd all known from experience that Dean didn't have it in him to kill Sam.
"Why?" It was an important question, Sam knew, so he didn't ask again or say anything else as he waited for an answer. Gabriel looked like he was debating how exactly to say whatever answer he'd come up with. His gaze turned far away and Sam guessed the angel was probably imagining everything from the night before.
When Gabriel looked back up at Sam, though, his eyes were no longer focused on something in the past. Rather, they were focused directly on Sam, and the angel looked as determined as he had in Sam's dream.
Gabriel moved closer to him and didn't stop until he could comfortably rest a hand lightly on Sam's thigh. Sam could feel the heat coming from Gabriel as it seeped through the pants he wore, unable to tear his eyes away from the angel's hand until the weight of Gabriel's gaze finally made him look up. He swallowed thickly when he saw how close their faces were; if Sam leaned slightly forward he would be able to feel every puff of breath from the angel's mouth, but he didn't move.
"I told you, just like I told Lucifer," Gabriel started, reaching with his other hand to grab the back of Sam's head, fingers curling in the hair at the nape of his neck. "No one hurts what's mine. Not without consequences. And Lucifer may have been my brother, but I couldn't let him get away with hurting you, especially like that. I protect the ones I love."
Sam's breath hitched at the words and the memories of Gabriel's words to Lucifer in his dream. How Gabriel wouldn't let Lucifer get his hands on the man Gabriel loved ever again. His eyes widened slightly as it sank in that Gabriel could be telling the truth. It was Lucifer manipulating him the entire time.
He felt his eyes well up with tears again: whether because of everything he'd been through the past week or the fact that Gabriel just declared for the second time that he loved Sam, he wasn't sure.
Suddenly, there were arms wrapped around him and he was being pulled into archangel's chest. Sam burrowed closer, burying his face against Gabriel's neck and breathed deeply. He felt Gabriel shifting them around slowly until Sam found himself being pressed gently back into the mattress, face still hidden against the archangel's shoulder. Minutes ticked by but Sam didn't notice. He let himself get lost in breathing in his angel, feeling safe in Gabriel's arms rather than hurt, and didn't let his thoughts travel to anything beyond the two of them.
After he calmed himself down, Sam pushed back from Gabriel slightly and looked up at the man on top of him. He could only watch as Gabriel rushed forward and took his mouth. His lips parted on a gasp and Gabriel took full advantage, tongue pressing forward softly. Sam moaned at the touch and the sound seemed to drive Gabriel on. The fingers in Sam's hair tightened slightly while Gabriel's other hand slipped under the hem of his shirt, gliding over the fluttering muscles of his stomach.
They broke apart when Sam's need for air forced him back. It wasn't until his head hit the mattress beneath him that Sam felt the difference. The bed was larger than it had been only moments before, softer and more luxurious than any motel bed Sam had ever laid on before. He looked up at the man above him, smiling softly at the gesture as he ran his fingers through Gabriel's hair. Finally being with Gabriel again, the familiar weight on top of him was fantastic. Yes, they had only been apart for a week, but with the nightmares and Lucifer, it had felt so much longer. And changing the motel bed into something better was so sweetly Gabriel that Sam couldn't help arching into the hand still resting on his stomach. Didn't try to stop himself from yearning into that touch.
Gabriel pressed his lips lightly against Sam's again before moving to his cheek, slowly working down Sam's jawline. Sam moaned, fingers clutching Gabriel's back as the angel's teeth scraped at his pulse point, tongue following after, licking away the hurt. He slid his hands down Gabriel's back to push up under his shirt, skin hot beneath his fingertips as they dug into soft flesh.
Sam felt Gabriel's other hand slide down his side to join the other under his shirt right before it was pushed carefully up. He shivered slightly as his overheated skin was hit by the cooler air but slipped his hands from Gabriel's back to lift his arms. The shirt was pulled from him slowly as the angel mouthed at the skin of his chest and up to his collarbone. Sam pulled Gabriel up when his shirt was finally gone, lips meeting in another heated kiss as he gripped the hem of Gabriel's shirt.
"Off," he murmured against soft lips. Sam barely waited before he was ripping Gabriel's shirt up and over the angel's head, not caring where it ended up when he tossed it away. He moaned again, skin on skin driving his senses wild.
They rarely did this. Gabriel was always so impatient; snapping their clothing off was more his style. Gabriel taking his time, undressing Sam himself meant more to the hunter than he ever realized it would. The simple action was enough to make Sam feel cherished; he loved Gabriel making him feel like this. And as Gabriel rid them of the rest of their clothes, Sam wondered how exactly he could deserve any of it. Lucifer's vessel, the one who had been manipulated so easily for as long as he could remember and Gabriel overlooked all of it. Told him that he wasn't pathetic or worthless. Better than that: made him feel like he could have this.
Sam skimmed his hands over the angel's ribs, reveling in the feel of Gabriel's skin under his hands once again. When he looked up it was to find Gabriel looking straight at him, hazel eyes locked on his own. Any of Sam's remaining doubts faded away at the sight before him: eyes that held no hint of that evil, cruel Gabriel from his nightmares. The man above him was his Gabriel: the one who admitted to loving him. The one that killed the Devil for him.
Gabriel pressed a soft kiss to Sam's lips before he worked his way down. Sam tilted his head, giving the angel easier access as he mouthed at his jaw and down his neck. The soft glide of lips across his skin continued down his chest until Gabriel's mouth latched onto one of Sam's nipples causing the human to arch up once more, moaning out his pleasure. The scrape of teeth followed by a soothing tongue had Sam hissing out his breaths, hands restless against Gabriel's skin.
Soon enough the mouth moved on from one nipple to the next and downward until Gabriel swallowed him down whole, causing a yelp to escape Sam's throat. Gabriel pulled back, leaving just the head of Sam's cock in his mouth, and sucked, tongue dipping into the slit. Sam didn't know how he kept himself from thrusting up into that wet heat, but the first touch of slicked fingers at his entrance was enough for him to lose that small bit of control. His hips jerked upwards and pushed back. The fingers kept up their teasing, as did Gabriel's tongue, until Sam was writhing beneath the angel, unable to form a coherent thought.
When he let himself think about the possibility, Sam had thought that, if he and Gabriel got back together, it would be quick and rough and dirty. But Gabriel took his time, slowly slipping one finger in and stretching as well as he could before adding another. Sam didn't know how he didn't come at the first brush against his prostate.
Gabriel let Sam's cock slip from his lips as he worked three fingers in and out, brushing over that sweet spot inside him enough to keep Sam on edge, but not so much that Sam lost it completely. This was all so different than what they had ever had before: so much more; and Sam couldn't control what words spilled from his lips.
"Please, Gabriel... ah... Need... need you..."
His words cut off into a whimper as Gabriel's fingers slipped out of him. Gabriel crawled up his body and kissed him breathless once more before slowly sliding inside him. Sam moaned, having missed the feel of Gabriel stretching him open while they'd been apart, and wrapped his legs around the angel, digging his ankles in and forcing Gabriel further into him.
Once fully sheathed, the angel stopped above him, letting Sam get used to the feeling of being full again. Sam ran his hands up and down Gabriel's back, brushing them through the angel's hair as he let himself adjust. Finally, it was too much for him to stay still any longer.
"Move, please move. Gabriel... fuck," Sam choked out as Gabriel rolled his hips back and pushed in. Sam's moans continued as Gabriel positioned himself to hit that bundle of nerves inside him with each thrust forward. He clutched at the angel's back desperately, pulling them impossibly closer and he knew he wouldn't last long even with the gentle pace, not with all the teasing Gabriel had done while preparing him.
At the press of Gabriel's hand against his left hip Sam nearly flinched back, remembering how painful that touch had become in his nightmares. But the grip stayed light and gentle, like Gabriel knew exactly what Sam's reaction would be, and Sam let himself relax completely. He looked into Gabriel's eyes and knew that this was real. This was his Gabriel, the one who loved him and didn't want to hurt him and Sam tightened the hold of his hands on the angel's back as he gave all of his trust - all of himself - to Gabriel.
Heat bled out from the hand at Sam's hip and his entire body practically hummed in anticipation of this new level they'd reached. Gabriel's eyes over him flashed that intense gold he'd seen the night before, but the ferocity Sam saw in them didn't scare him this time. Sam felt the grace flowing into him from the angel and all he could do was move with Gabriel and clutch restlessly at the skin beneath his hands.
Suddenly Gabriel's other hand grasped his cock and Sam felt a different kind of heat pooling low in his belly as Gabriel stroked with the rythm of his thrusts. There was no chance of holding on and he was coming with Gabriel's name on his lips before he knew what hit him. His vision whited out for blissful seconds as Gabriel continued to pound into him. All Sam heard was a choked out "Close your eyes, Sam", and he was surprised he'd been able to comply so quickly when he felt so thoroughly fucked out, and then Gabriel was coming inside him with a burst of light that Sam could see even through his closed eyes. Heat seared into his left hip, but somehow never turned painful, leaving Sam feeling warm and comforted and loved.
The room was silent but for their panted breaths for long moments before Gabriel slowly pulled out of Sam, hands carefully slipping off of the human. Sam missed Gabriel's warmth and weight the second the angel rolled off of him, but before he had the chance to protest arms wrapped around him and pulled him into Gabriel's chest. He let his head rest over the angel's heart as he calmed his breathing to something resembling normal.
The heartbeat under his head slowed gradually in his ear.
When Sam finally had enough breath left to speak, he lifted his head from the spot against Gabriel and looked up into the angel's once-more hazel eyes. Sam smiled softly and let his emotions show across his face. "I love you, too."
Before Gabriel had the chance to do more than smile Sam rushed forward and pressed soft, slow kisses to Gabriel's lips. When he pulled back, he could see the happiness and utter relief in Gabriel's eyes and knew his must have looked much the same. He leaned in for one more kiss before sighing happily and nuzzling into Gabriel's neck. Sam closed his eyes and let the soothing motions of Gabriel's fingers in his hair lull him back to sleep; despite the bright morning sun shining through the cheap motel curtains, dozing in Gabriel's arms was the best sleep he'd had in a long time. Even longer than this week of nightmares.
Warm and safe and loved, the last thing his mind registered as he drifted off to sleep was the gentle stroke of fingers along the new handprint across his left hip.
Chapter Nine Chapter Eleven