Fic: Office Romance
Title: Office Romance
Word Count: 500
Rating: NC-17 due to Farfarello
Characters: Schwarz
Setting: Set after Kapitel, now A/U
Notes: Humor!fic. Written for the wk_100 office romance challenge.
***
It was a typical Schwarz meeting, until Crawford passed out the application forms.
For the next ten minutes, the space room was deathly quiet. Schuldig, Farfarello and Nagi looked at one another, turned to glare at their team leader and shouted, “What the fuck!?!” in unison.
If nothing else, Crawford could consider this a team bonding experience.
“A normal relationship is too difficult,” Crawford said. “Too many variables to consider. The best solution is to stick to one of you.”
“You mean stick it to one of us,” Schuldig sneered.
“I want those forms turned in by Friday,” Crawford ordered.
***
Name: Naoe Nagi
Age: Twenty
Sex: Male
Talents: Telekinesis, limited telepathy, summoning lightning, advanced computer skills.
Experience: Heavy petting with a teenaged girl and her stuffed bunny. Ongoing monogamous sexual relationship with Takatori Mamoru, head of Kritiker.
Why Are You Applying For This Position: Threats, blackmail and sheer insanity.
Other Comments: If chosen, I will use all of the talents listed above to make your life a living hell. Then I’ll let Farfarello and Schuldig have their turn with you, before - if you beg nicely enough - putting you out of your misery. Schuldig is going to kill you for this.
***
Name: Farfarello. Or, Jei.
Age: Twenty-six
Sex: I fornicate often, breaking God’s commandments with pleasure. Or, male.
Talents: Killing machine, excellent with all types of weapons, berserker fury, unable to feel pain.
Experience: Previous copulation with various sheep (figuratively, not literally), exhibiting a marked preference for clergy and nuns. Predilection for inserting sharp objects into sexual orifices (all orifices, truthfully.) Currently fucking witch.
Why Are You Applying For This Position: Opportunity to violate authority figure in painful, demeaning ways too hard to resist.
Other Comments: Birth control mandatory (it‘s the thought that counts.) Schuldig (for once) is your best option.
***
Name: Schuldig
Age: Twenty-eight
Sex: Default male, with illusory female, hermaphrodite and alien physiology available upon groveling request.
Talents: Telepathy, acrobatic skills, super-speed (alright, this one’s a drawback, unless you’re referring to my refractory period), extensive experience in stimulating pleasure centers located in the brain. Rephrased, that last part means I. Am. A. Sex. God.
Experience: References available.
Why Are You Applying For This Position: Mandatory.
Other Comments: Brad, you goddamn idiot! All you had to do was ask - a nice dinner, talking to me instead of issuing orders, a little honesty - and I would have tried. This way? Never!
***
It was not a typical Schwarz meeting. Crawford’s face was pale and drawn.
For the next ten minutes, the space room was deathly quiet. Schuldig, Farfarello and Nagi looked at one another, turned to glare at their team leader and shouted, “What the fuck!?!” in unison.
If nothing else, Crawford could consider this a team bonding experience. He just wished he was a part of that team.
“I’m sorry,” Crawford finally said. “My demands were overbearing and unacceptable.”
“Office romances rarely work,” Schuldig sneered.
“I wanted ours to, Schuldig," Crawford sadly answered.
“Nagi, Farfarello: leave,” Schuldig ordered. “You, Crawford: talk.”
Word Count: 500
Rating: NC-17 due to Farfarello
Characters: Schwarz
Setting: Set after Kapitel, now A/U
Notes: Humor!fic. Written for the wk_100 office romance challenge.
***
It was a typical Schwarz meeting, until Crawford passed out the application forms.
For the next ten minutes, the space room was deathly quiet. Schuldig, Farfarello and Nagi looked at one another, turned to glare at their team leader and shouted, “What the fuck!?!” in unison.
If nothing else, Crawford could consider this a team bonding experience.
“A normal relationship is too difficult,” Crawford said. “Too many variables to consider. The best solution is to stick to one of you.”
“You mean stick it to one of us,” Schuldig sneered.
“I want those forms turned in by Friday,” Crawford ordered.
***
Name: Naoe Nagi
Age: Twenty
Sex: Male
Talents: Telekinesis, limited telepathy, summoning lightning, advanced computer skills.
Experience: Heavy petting with a teenaged girl and her stuffed bunny. Ongoing monogamous sexual relationship with Takatori Mamoru, head of Kritiker.
Why Are You Applying For This Position: Threats, blackmail and sheer insanity.
Other Comments: If chosen, I will use all of the talents listed above to make your life a living hell. Then I’ll let Farfarello and Schuldig have their turn with you, before - if you beg nicely enough - putting you out of your misery. Schuldig is going to kill you for this.
***
Name: Farfarello. Or, Jei.
Age: Twenty-six
Sex: I fornicate often, breaking God’s commandments with pleasure. Or, male.
Talents: Killing machine, excellent with all types of weapons, berserker fury, unable to feel pain.
Experience: Previous copulation with various sheep (figuratively, not literally), exhibiting a marked preference for clergy and nuns. Predilection for inserting sharp objects into sexual orifices (all orifices, truthfully.) Currently fucking witch.
Why Are You Applying For This Position: Opportunity to violate authority figure in painful, demeaning ways too hard to resist.
Other Comments: Birth control mandatory (it‘s the thought that counts.) Schuldig (for once) is your best option.
***
Name: Schuldig
Age: Twenty-eight
Sex: Default male, with illusory female, hermaphrodite and alien physiology available upon groveling request.
Talents: Telepathy, acrobatic skills, super-speed (alright, this one’s a drawback, unless you’re referring to my refractory period), extensive experience in stimulating pleasure centers located in the brain. Rephrased, that last part means I. Am. A. Sex. God.
Experience: References available.
Why Are You Applying For This Position: Mandatory.
Other Comments: Brad, you goddamn idiot! All you had to do was ask - a nice dinner, talking to me instead of issuing orders, a little honesty - and I would have tried. This way? Never!
***
It was not a typical Schwarz meeting. Crawford’s face was pale and drawn.
For the next ten minutes, the space room was deathly quiet. Schuldig, Farfarello and Nagi looked at one another, turned to glare at their team leader and shouted, “What the fuck!?!” in unison.
If nothing else, Crawford could consider this a team bonding experience. He just wished he was a part of that team.
“I’m sorry,” Crawford finally said. “My demands were overbearing and unacceptable.”
“Office romances rarely work,” Schuldig sneered.
“I wanted ours to, Schuldig," Crawford sadly answered.
“Nagi, Farfarello: leave,” Schuldig ordered. “You, Crawford: talk.”