the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses

Oct 15, 2006 02:28

OMFG I WROTE FIC.

Okay. Okay. It's complicated. Because this fic takes place some time after this fic, but is in direct contradiction with this fic, which, according to Lo, contradicts everything else, so that is officially AU, and this, the one I am posting now, is canon for my crackverse, which, in itself, is an AU.

Did you get that?

Good. Explain it to me.

The summary of this fic should be: Alex and Lorelai come out in the very worst possible way.



not even the rain

Alex comes back from lunch and checks her Outlook, and finds her inbox stuffed with emails from what appears to be every single person from Stars Hollow, possibly every single person in the entire county. She makes a point to ignore all of them until an email from Lorelai catches her eye.

HI HONEY WE JUST CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET, it is titled, followed by fifteen exclamation points.

She dismisses it as one of Lorelai's jokes.

God, it had better be one of Lorelai's jokes.

Alex knows the emergency number Hammond gave her by heart, and this, she thinks, is the perfect opportunity to use it. The marshals could pick her up within the hour, whisk her away to someplace new, and she could start over, preferably in a town where people actually have a sense of personal boundaries, where the biggest crisis of the year is not finding out that the muskets for the Revolutionary War re-enactment have disappeared.

But, well. Lorelai.

Maybe every small town in America has its own Lorelai, but somehow Alex doubts it. So she reaches into her drawer for her bottle of extra-strength Tylenol, takes two, and clicks open the email, which, surprisingly, is empty but for a link to Kirk's blog.

There is no way this is going to end well.

Alex remembers an article she once read about a certain politician during the Watergate scandals, who held his hand to a flame every night to prove to himself that he could withstand torture.

Alex is that politician, and Kirk is the candle.

She clicks.

*

To: Lorelai Gilmore
From: Claire Kitchener
Subject: MAKE HIM TAKE IT DOWN

-----------------------------

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: manners

I know you're not into the whole surfing-the-net-for-fun thing, which is why you're not really familiar with the rules of netspeak, but it is considered very rude to send someone an empty email. You wouldn't send someone a blank envelope, would you? Or a postcard with nothing written on the back? It is also very rude to write in ALL CAPS. (It is, however, acceptable to write ALL CAPS in ALL CAPS. In fact, it is *necessary* (notice how I used * to emphasize that the word must be emphasized) to type ALL CAPS in ALL CAPS).

To express emotion over the internet, you should consider using smiley faces constructed from punctuation. Such as:

: )

Did you see what I just did there?

Practice makes perfect, Claire. I look forward to seeing your reply.

P.S. How do you think he found out?

P.P.S. For further reference on how to use the internet properly, watch You've Got Mail.

-----------------------------

To: Lorelai Gilmore
From: Claire Kitchener
Subject: This is not the time.

He posted a photoshopped image of us with pink hearts and cartoon cupids all around the edges, and all you're concerned about is how he found out?

There is no amount of punctuation, at this moment, to express the rage and mortification that I feel.

I hate Tom Hanks.

-----------------------------

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: the time to what, Claire? the time to what?

There is an emergency town meeting this afternoon to discuss our situation.

Wear something slutty!

Tom's hair was not at its best in The Da Vinci Code. (Reminder: I only watched it so I can mock it. You cannot mock me for wanting to mock.) (Also: Tom's hair was not very *present* in The Da Vinci Code.) You should take a note of his other works: Sleepless in Seattle, Philadelphia, Toy Story.

*

In all honesty, Alex thinks this town meeting is acceptable grounds for her to call the emergency number.

She settles for showing up half an hour late, hoping the meeting will be over by then, and that the villagers will have dispersed. She'd considered not showing up, but it seems unfair to leave Lorelai alone to face the tar and feathers.

She arrives right in the middle of an uproar. For whatever reason, half the audience is wearing yellow ribbons, the other half is wearing pink, Babette gives her a big congratulatory hug on the way in, Taylor is viciously tapping a yardstick against a pie chart, and Lorelai is on the stage, letting out a litany of adjectives and a truly rude gerund that would have been jarring to hear on even HBO.

"Excellent," Taylor says sarcastically as he sees Alex wading through the crowd. "The other party is here. Let's hear what she thinks."

"She's not going to break up with me to make you happy!" Lorelai yells.

"Claire, you are the official H.A.T.S. of Stars Hollow. Your being a lesbian is undoubtedly going to hinder your ability to handle your duties, and your duties as official H.A.T.S. of Stars Hollow are extremely important and will affect everybody living in this town. I think it's only fair that you make a choice. Do you want to be S.H.H.A.T.S., or would you rather be a lesbian?"

"What's hats?" asks Gypsy.

"Shats," corrects Andrew.

"Honorary Assistant Town Selectman," Taylor answers.

"It means that in the unlikely the event that Stars Hollow is visited by the Ten Plagues of Egypt and Taylor gets eaten by locusts, Claire's in charge," Lorelai explains.

"I will not be eaten by locusts," Taylor says. "There has not been reported incidents of locust invasion in the United States in the past thirty years."

"No, I think there was," Kirk says. "I remember watching a documentary on it. It starred that girl who was Xena, Warrior Princess."

"That was a TV movie," Alex says, feeling very, very sorry for herself for knowing that. Triumph blooms across Taylor's face, and Lorelai glares at her. "Regardless of hypothetical occurrences of insect infestations, Taylor, I don't think my . . ." she hesitates, and she can feel all eighty pairs of eyes on her, ". . . my being with Lorelai is going to affect my performance as Honorary Assistant Town Selectman."

"So you are with Lorelai," Taylor says.

The room is quiet, and Alex can hear Lorelai's breath hitch. It is so easy, Alex realizes, to be able to break somebody with her words. She knows; she's done it many times before, in the courtroom. Her mind flashes briefly to Richard Manning, Cheryl Avery, before she catches Lorelai's expression, like she should've given up already, like she knows Alex has every reason to say "no," but she hopes anyway. For some reason, it makes Alex feel brave.

"Yeah," she says finally. "I'm with her."

Loud murmurs fill the room and Miss Patty starts to applaud and Taylor begins shouting, "Order! Order!" and Lorelai grabs Alex by the shoulders and kisses her on the mouth.

"Yes, yes, Lorelai, we get the gist of it," says Taylor, resigned.

Alex has no idea how she makes it back to her seat.

*

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: We have a poll

http:// www.starshollowbeautysupply.com/kirkskorner

-----------------------------

To: Lorelai Gilmore
From: Claire Kitchener
Subject: Please stop sending these emails to my work account.

Where?

-----------------------------

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: then go on AIM

In the forum. You have to register to see.

-----------------------------

To: Lorelai Gilmore
From: Claire Kitchener
Subject: I actually work during office hours.

I am not signing up for an account for Kirk's forum. I'm just not.

-----------------------------

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: is your boss still reading your IMs? i can't believe your boss is called Angel

There is a video of us making out.

-----------------------------

To: Lorelai Gilmore
From: Claire Kitchener
Subject: Yes, and me neither.

You lie.

-----------------------------

Actually, it's probably true, but Alex doesn't want to find out.

*

"You didn't sign up for an account." Lorelai's irritation is as pronounced over the phone as it is in person.

"I'm aware of that," Alex says, peeling the paper wrapping from her sandwich.

"How could you not? Aren't you interested in what people think of us?"

"No."

"Claire!"

"You're going to tell me anyway."

"That's not the point." Lorelai sighs. Alex hears her switching the phone to her other hand. "Anyway, according to the poll, right now 65% of the voters think we're going to be over in two months. 4% thinks we're going to be over in two weeks --- remind me to order a hit on Taylor and Michel --- 31% remain optimistic that we'll still be together in a year, and one person thinks you're secret agent working for the government and plotting to destroy the entire town and everyone in association with it, but that's Paris."

"Oh, great. Paris knows." Of course, Paris knows. Who doesn't know by this point?

"Not only does she know, she keeps calling me up and asking intrusive questions about my newfound sexual habits."

Alex sets down the rest of her sandwich. "Do not tell me that you actually answered them."

"You think the fact that I am her roommate's mother would stop her from asking, but no, she just barrels away like the little sexually inquisitive engine that could. You're not on speaker phone, are you?"

"Would that stop you?"

"Uh, no."

"I didn't think so."

"Do you want me to stop talking now?"

"No, that's okay." And it is true. Alex likes the sound of Lorelai's voice, even though she doesn't really care about much of what Lorelai has to say. She doesn't understand much of what Lorelai has to say. She just likes hearing Lorelai talk.

"I know what you mean," Lorelai said when Alex pointed it out to her. "It's like that guy on Oprah who had a tumor for a long time, and he got used to it and didn't know what to do with himself when the doctors removed that tumor, so he wrote a book about his whole experience."

Alex fought to keep a straight face as she said, "You are that tumor, Lorelai," and Lorelai leaned in and whispered, "A tumor you had sex with while Mary Poppins was playing in the background," which sounds wrong, but is much less so in reality.

"I'll keep you updated on the poll," Lorelai says when Alex tells her that her lunch break is over.

Alex smiles, even though there's no one to see it. "I was afraid of that."

*

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: the poll. you know you wanna.

Percentage of voters who think we will last for two weeks: 3%
Percentage of voters who think we will last for two months: 52%
Percentage of voters who think we will last for a year: 45%

Number of persons who think you are a secret agent plotting to destroy small towns etc. etc.: 1

-----------------------------

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: I know you got the last email so why didn't you say anything?

Percentage of voters who think we will last for two weeks: 3%
Percentage of voters who think we will last for two months: 29%
Percentage of voters who think we will last for six months - NEW CATEGORY: 27%
Percentage of voters who think we will last for a year or more: 41%

Number of persons who think you are a secret agent plotting to destroy small towns etc. etc.: 1

-----------------------------

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: OH MY FUCKING GOD

I cannot FUCKING believe this. Kirk started a new category for people who think we'll last forever and have a really gay lesbian wedding and live happily ever after, and I've been watching it for the last two hours, and it is still at zero.

ZERO PERCENT.

ZERO.

Okay, that's not actually true, because there are actually three votes, but they came from me, Kirk, and Cat Kirk. (Yes, Cat Kirk votes. He has his own CATEGORY on Kirk's blog.) I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. Only three people have voted for us, and one of them is KIRK, and one of them is ME, and the other one is FELINE. You were right when you said this town is like the town in Needful Things and everyone is being corrupted and Taylor is Satan.

*

Alex is surprised. She is actually surprised. Not surprised in a pejorative way --- not mortified like she was when she saw that picture up on Kirk's blog --- but not surprised in an ecstatic way either.

Just.

Surprised.

She hadn't actually considered that Lorelai thinks they will last forever and live happily ever after (the really gay lesbian wedding is not going to happen under any circumstances), and she's not sure if Lorelai really does or if she just voted out of spite, but there it is.

She's surprised. It's a nice kind of surprised.

Even if she doesn't believe it herself.

*

To: Claire Kitchener
From: Lorelai Gilmore
Subject: yes, i'm whining

CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE

Say something.

-----------------------------

To: Lorelai Gilmore
From: Claire Kitchener
Subject: I hate you for making me sign up for Kirk's forum. Did you know he sent me an email thanking me personally and asking for suggestions to improve his korner [sic] of the internet? Did you also know he does not understand that you're supposed to write in the body of your email, and not write everything you want to say in the subject line? Do you know how annoying that is? I shall demonstrate.

I voted.

The title is from the same poem I got "somewhere i have never traveled" from.

If I had better English, I would not have ended the previous sentence with a preposition.

Oh, and I will write a fic or make an icon or do ANYTHING for whoever is able to make Kirk's photoshopped image of Alex and Lorelai.

alex in stars hollow

Previous post Next post
Up